You may have heard the term “flying monkeys”. Just who is this referring to? Flying monkeys refers to people who act on behalf of a narcissist against a third party, often in an abusive manner. The term originated with regard to the actual winged monkeys in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ movie, who were ordered to do the unpleasant bidding of the wicked witch, because she had cast a spell on them, against Dorothy and her friends.

Narcissists almost always have people ‘in their corner’. They spin wild stories about how they’ve been victimized, they outright lie to turn people against someone that has angered them or damaged their fragile ego, and then they often create a situation where someone (flying monkey/enabler) feels that they need to defend and join forces with the narcissist against the alleged victimizer (who is typically the actual victim). Now, I have also observed flying monkeys carry out abusive actions against someone that the narcissist dislikes simply because it temporarily quiets the narcissist and makes the life of the flying monkey less irritating for a time. It isn’t always about defending and protecting the narcissistic individual. Sometimes it’s just about shutting them up and taking the heat off the flying monkey in that moment.

When flying monkeys are prompted to be abusive towards a narcissist’s target, it can be equally as (or sometimes more) damaging as the narcissist’s abuse. Flying monkeys can be family members, friends, co-workers – people that are important to us. So it’s quite shocking and painful to be attacked by a loved one or someone who is close to us.

Depending upon the flying monkey’s relationship with the narcissist (and let’s assume that many of these people have no idea what a narcissist is, let alone that they’re caught up with one), many have their eyes opened to the reality of narcissism when the narcissist turns on them, or after they have been a part of more than one attack on others on the narcissist’s behalf and begin to question the situation. When it comes to the spouse/partner of a narcissist (again, they may have no idea that they’re involved with a narcissistic individual or know anything about narcissism), it’s more complicated. This individual is caught between a rock and a hard place. If they don’t join forces with their narcissistic partner/spouse against the target(s), they themselves risk becoming the target, being made miserable on the daily and possibly eroding their relationship with the narcissist (which can be upsetting, depending upon how much or how little they are aware of the dysfunctional dynamics). In the event that they choose to act against someone on behalf of the narcissist, particularly a family member, they will undoubtedly damage their relationship with that individual. It’s a no-win situation for a flying monkey within a family environment that includes a narcissistic partner.

Any of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse with the help of a flying monkey know all too well how hurtful it can be. My advice is to look at the big picture of where this all comes from. When you take a step back, the inner workings of this disordered system become very clear. If you can picture, within the family system, the flying monkey as stuck between a rock (their narcissist spouse/partner) and a hard place (the narcissist’s target, often the scapegoat child), it can make it much easier to process and understand. In other non-family situations, flying monkeys are generally oblivious to what is happening at the start. They have been manipulated into believing that the narcissist (a friend, co-worker, neighbour, etc.), who they may feel is a sweet, kind and wonderful person because of the fake persona the narcissist has shown them, is being victimized and they feel the need to defend them. At some point, they will likely see the light. In the meantime, it helps to recognize that these people are unaware of the truth of what is at play yet. Narcissists are good at hiding who they are when it suits their interests. There’s a pretty good chance that the flying monkey(s) that came after you will be on the receiving end of the very same narcissist’s wrath and new flying monkeys some day, too, and then it will all become abundantly clear to them.

When dealing with flying monkeys, try to keep in mind that they are often having the wool pulled over their eyes by the narcissist. They are being used and manipulated in the narcissist’s crusades against others; puppets being controlled by someone whose main goal in life is to protect their fragile ego at any and all costs. This isn’t to say that their ignorance excuses them from their actions against others at the urging of a narcissist; but when processing the damage that flying monkeys can do, it helps to understand where it all originates from.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter