Tag: growth (Page 1 of 7)

New Year, New Possibilities for Peace

January 5, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I’m a little late for a New Year’s post, but here it is in the spirit of January 1st.

My wish for everyone, especially those negatively affected by narcissists and other toxic individuals, is that they find and/or maintain a life filled with peace.  Peace can permeate other layers of our lives and make everything else better, or, at the very least, somewhat easier.  How we attain peace will look different for each person.  But it’s a possibility for everyone, no matter how challenging things may be at any given moment.

For this new year with new possibilities, think about finding your peace, or maintaining and growing the peace that you’ve already established for yourself.  Peace is the key to so many other components of our lives.  No matter what’s going on around us, we have the ability to cultivate peace and hold it within ourselves.  It won’t always be a simple task, but it is a possibility.  It might even help to think of plants and trees that manage to grow in sidewalk cracks.  Sometimes we have to grow our peace in less than ideal conditions, but it will grow despite the harshest of environments.

So, I wish you all peace in 2023! 

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Narcissists love fanning the flames of discord, especially against scapegoats

October 6, 2022 / / 0 Comments

For anyone who has had issues with a narcissist or other toxic individual, it is evident that they love to fan the flames of discord. Oh, they’ll smile and try to hide the bellows behind their back, but they’re definitely keeping that fire nice and hot when no one is looking.

When a narcissist chooses a scapegoat (or sometimes more than one), within a family, workplace, or other environment, they then need to continue the narrative against that person at all costs. Without the continuation of this false narrative they have created against their target(s), the entire system upon which they bolster their fragile ego, is at risk of collapsing. This is especially true when they feel that their control is being threatened. Some examples of this may be an enabling parent showing kindness or some other form of positivity towards a scapegoated child, or it could be a scapegoated individual in the workplace who is having a friendly chat with a “flying monkey” co-worker in the lunchroom. Narcissists in particular can’t allow those types of things to happen because it goes against the picture they’ve painted of their target, and they also don’t want to risk people having a discussion about them and discovering the truth.

When toxic people feel threatened, they react with more manipulation and aggression. Basically, they start what is known as a smear campaign. They call their enablers to action through more lies, negativity, and exaggerations about their targets. They ramp up their alleged role of victim in their twisted game where they are, in fact, anything but victims. And their enablers naively jump to their defence and (in their minds) heroically rescue them from such horrible behaviour. Most of the time, enablers and flying monkeys don’t even attempt to hear anyone else’s side of the story. They flat out believe the nonsense they’re being fed. In my experience, some enablers will also return to scapegoating the narcissist’s target simply to bring an end to the ranting and raging. What they truly believe is anyone’s guess; their goal is simply to find a (usually temporary) reprieve from the toxic person’s thunderstorm. Overall, though, toxic people will pull out all the stops in an effort to maintain their control and position within their environment. Those false narratives are the very foundation of the protection of their egos. If they couldn’t triangulate and place blame on others, then they might ultimately be asked by their enablers to face accountability or, even worse, be forced to honestly evaluate themselves and engage in introspection. To a narcissist or other toxic individual, that would be a fate worse than death.

So if we’re the scapegoat and we recognize, based on the behaviour of others, that the narcissist/toxic person in our life has been frantically pumping those bellows and turning up the heat against us, even though we’re typically left in the dark as to what has been said, what can we do? Well, that varies by individual. One method that people find useful is to not JADE; that is, don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Yes, that’s a challenging task. No one wants to have lies floating around about them, and it’s human nature to want to JADE. But another more viable option is to simply live our lives and let our behaviour speak for itself. And in all honesty, silence speaks volumes, people. It truly does. There will always be enablers and flying monkeys. That’s just a fact of life. It lies with us to decide how much we will allow those dynamics to create negative personal impacts for us. Yet another option is to learn to let go of or distance ourselves from people who don’t see us as we truly are, but, rather, choose to believe the tales being spun about us by toxic people who are all about being in control and actively working to destroy relationships that they feel threatened by. Even though it’s easy to feel trapped within toxic systems, and we’ve often been trained to feel that we’re permanently stuck, helpless, and lacking any control over our own lives, we do have choices as to how we react to toxicity and dysfunction being aimed at us. We truly do have power. Remembering that fact and feeling empowered by it is half the battle.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

The hypocrisy of toxic and personality-disordered individuals

September 29, 2022 / / 0 Comments

“Do as I say, not as I do”. This is a mainstay of toxic people, particularly narcissists. Most adult children of narcissists will likely have plenty of experience with this occurrence. For example, I grew up being force-fed the virtues of always being honest to a fault, to the point where I became a nervous wreck that I might some day be misunderstood by someone and accused of being dishonest. It used to feel as though the core of who I was would melt away if that ever happened. And that was because of the extreme pressure and scrutiny I was placed under to ensure that I carefully considered each and every single word I ever uttered. Ironically, the very “holier-than-thou” person who relentlessly pushed honesty on me and pretended to tell the truth at all costs, turned out to be incredibly dishonest. I just didn’t realize it when I was younger because they touted themselves as a pinnacle of all things truthful, and questioning or disbelief never failed to bring with them harsh consequences for me.

Definition Of A Hypocrite

So how do we uncover hypocrites? If something feels not quite right…if your intuition is chattering at you…if you’re catching someone in inconsistencies between their expectations of the world around them, while engaging in behaviour themselves that they have made clear that they don’t condone – question it. Literally, question it. You don’t necessarily have to confront the person immediately or at all, but, instead, you can run through everything logically in your mind, journal it, or talk with a trusted friend or family member about it. Leave out any ideals you have about the individual. Put aside emotion. Just look at the facts. And if they don’t add up, proceed with caution when it comes to your relationship with them. As the saying goes, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. Don’t make excuses for them, and take it as a serious warning. If the evidence amounts to someone who can’t be trusted to live their own life at the same level they seem to expect and, often, demand from others, then keep that in mind in future interactions with this person. Why? Because the likelihood of being damaged by someone who displays hypocritical behaviour is quite high. And we all have the right to protect ourselves from harm of any kind.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

It’s YOUR Life

September 1, 2022 / / 0 Comments

As a member of many online groups on the subject of dealing with narcissists and other toxic individuals, I have observed a variety of common themes within posts. A main current is that of one’s life not feeling like their own. This typically takes the shape of people being almost constantly bombarded with opinions, criticisms, and unsolicited advice about how they should be living their lives, particularly as adults. And, taking it one step further, if the individual doesn’t conform to the opinions, criticisms, and unsolicited advice of these people (narcissistic parents, partners, friends, colleagues, etc.), they will be faced with some form of punishment such as the silent treatment or abandonment, guilt-tripping, a smear campaign, or some other manipulative treatment meant to cause someone to “do as they’re told”.

What we need to keep in mind is that this is OUR life. No one else has the right to tell us how to live it, nor do we owe anyone explanations for our decisions. If someone feels that it’s acceptable to dole out punishment because we have not followed their advice on something within our own life, that’s very telling of their character and not ours. And we have no obligation whatsoever to anyone but ourselves when it comes to our life decisions. Going forward, we may also need to evaluate our relationships with those who feel that they are justified in telling us how to live and then trying to manipulate and control us into doing what they want. There are ways (such as low or no contact, placing boundaries, etc.) to protect ourselves from that type of behaviour.

If we follow our hearts and dreams, trust ourselves as captains of our own ships, and steer clear of other people’s unsolicited interference in our decision-making (very different situation from those times we may approach a trusted individual for advice), we will be fine. And, in all honesty, we all make mistakes. We’re human. As long as we learn from those mistakes, that’s all part and parcel of a growth mindset. It makes us stronger, gives us greater knowledge and experience, and empowers us as we journey through life. No one is intended to have others run their life for them. Nor should we feel guilty or wrong if we make our own decisions. We need to take our own path, believe in ourselves, and not be held back by anyone or anything. So, get out there and live life to its fullest and on your own terms.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

They make it about you because it can’t be about them

August 30, 2022 / / 0 Comments

It’s intriguing how narcissistically-inclined individuals refuse to take the blame for anything, even when everyone involved is aware that they are clearly at fault. Definitely a case of ego protection. Fragile egos cannot withstand being wrong…ever. And one of the best add-ons to refusing to take the blame is often putting that blame onto others.

Using family as an example, if we happen to be the scapegoat, that makes us the ongoing target of narcissists or other toxic people who need to shift the direction in which fingers are pointing. Plus, it’s easy for a dysfunctional family to accept without question that the designated scapegoat is the problem, even without any evidence or so much as asking for their perspective on the matter at hand. This could also happen in the workplace, social situations, or other environments.

So the next time that you are blamed for something you didn’t do, say, or whatever the accusation entails, consider the source. Is this someone with a fragile ego? Have you thought of them being narcissistic in nature? Do they have to be ‘right’ at all costs in order to continue their mask of perfection? Have they dragged you into it as a scapegoat for their own behaviour? Or is this person a flying monkey, acting on behalf of a narcissist who’s trying to shift blame? If so, stay strong. Take the emotion out and consider the mechanics of it. When you look at the situation from a neutral state, it’s much less complicated to approach. Avoiding JADE-ing – Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain – will also be useful. None of that is necessary. Walk away if you can. Say as little as possible. Don’t engage with the blame projector or anyone who is encouraging or furthering their accusations. Hold your head high. People (particularly flying monkeys) will believe what they want to believe, no matter what we say or do. Know that this has nothing to do with you and you owe no one any explanations or apologies. If you absolutely need to speak for yourself, stick to the facts and leave that emotional component out of it.

And remember, they make it about you because they literally aren’t strong enough for it to be about them. They can’t be wrong. They refuse to be accountable as a result. This is a disordered person and, usually, their merry band of enablers on the sidelines. No amount of explaining, putting forward evidence, or pointing the finger will improve the situation. Narcissists and assorted other toxic people will not back down, especially if it involves their egos taking a hit. It helps to focus on being grateful that you don’t need to live your life like that. Think about how much energy is required to behave in that fashion and continually find ways to protect against any hits to the ego. Leave them to their devices and move forward. It isn’t easy to be blamed for other people’s actions. But accepting the blame is an entirely different aspect. Just because someone says it, doesn’t make it true, nor does it mean we need to accept it. Know yourself and stay loyal to who you are, regardless of whatever chaos may be swirling around.

Trust me when I say that the more you practice leaving the emotion out of interactions with narcissists or their supporters, the easier it gets to stay calm and not be affected by their behaviour. This leads to improved awareness and empowerment, which allows us the tools to avoid being trapped in the future webs of narcissists. Stay strong and aware, my friends! We’ve got this!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Music As a Tool For Coping

July 27, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Growing up, I spent hours upon hours soaking up music. As a musician from a young age, performing and listening to music of many genres was and continues to be a big deal for me. Music takes me to different spaces, carries me out of my body to ethereal locations, and provides calm and relaxation in ways that most other things don’t come close to achieving.

I didn’t realize it at the time but music (and my Grandma) literally kept me sane. Well, that and a cache of inner strength that existed deep inside me, outside of my young awareness. In fact, it was many years later, when a therapist mentioned this strength that she saw in me, that I was able to recognize it. When important people in your childhood constantly place so much emphasis on your supposed weaknesses, you don’t often look for the strengths in yourself. Music was my safe space and companion in an emotionally, and sometimes physically, unstable and hurtful home environment. This revelation came to me as an adult, long after I had left my childhood behind. When I revisit music from, say, my teenage years, I recognize what my subconscious was embracing in the lyrics. Back then, I don’t know if it truly registered because I believe I was – at a conscious level – unaware of my circumstances. When you’ve been taught that your family is “perfect”, you believe that everything is completely normal. In my case, I had been so well-conditioned to accept everything I was told (scapegoat, black sheep, etc.) that I didn’t question any of it. My thinking at the time was that if I was being given the silent treatment for days on end, for example, then I had done something to deserve it. End of story.

As an adult, music is still one of my main go-to’s. Happy, sad, upset, frustrated, bored…music is and has always been there for me. I can sit down at the piano and play whatever pieces I feel like playing. Or I can pick up my headphones and listen to whatever suits my mood. Both are very cathartic acts of self-care.

Music…I recommend that everyone should keep it in their coping toolbox. Looking back, I’m incredibly grateful for everything it helped carry me through, especially when I didn’t realize just how important it was for my sanity. I have no doubt that my intuition brought me to it for much-needed therapy and healing.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Dealing with the fallout of standing up to the status quo in a toxic family system

July 25, 2022 / / 0 Comments

When we stand up for ourselves within a toxic family system – for instance our family of origin, especially one headed by a narcissist – there is almost definitely going to be fallout. This is especially true if we’re the scapegoat. Then we will likely be faced with silent treatments, guilt and shame tactics, other abusive behavior, and basically being ganged up on by our family members. Everyone will want things to return to what they were previously. Change in these systems tends to make everyone feel unsettled and anxious, typically because when the leader is a narcissist, they will do anything to avoid losing control of the situation. They become more angry, unreasonable, aggressive, and demanding, and their moody behavior knows no bounds. So they will wage war against us, using other family members as pawns and flying monkeys, in the hope that we will give in and they can return to complete control of us and everyone else in the family.

The above is pretty much a given for anyone going up against a disordered family unit. Preparing for it can make a big difference. When we know what the fallout will look like, we can ready ourselves for it. Whether it’s an onslaught of angry chatter or radio silence, being mentally prepared for whatever may come our way will make the process somewhat easier. Mental strength is a big advantage when it comes to these types of situations. Keep aware of the dynamics, hold that head high, and stay the course.

Reminding ourselves that we are worthy of love, respect, and kindness can be helpful, too. Also, try to remember why we’re standing up to a system that causes hurt on an ongoing basis. Believe it or not, there will be better things on the other side of these situations. Peace is often waiting there, quite possibly for the first time in our lives, although it may initially feel uncomfortable and awkward. Eventually we will come to embrace peace and protect it at all costs.

success, gradually, career-413093.jpg

So if you’re at the point, or in the middle of, standing up to a dysfunctional and toxic family system or relationship, be strong and be prepared for fallout. It won’t be easy, and you’ll likely, at some point in the process, question if it’s worth doing, but viewing it as taking steps to better days can be beneficial. You’ve got this!

Until next time,

Heather

~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Try not to bulldoze those red flags

July 17, 2022 / / 0 Comments

As I’ve been working on my university summer term courses, a lot of great post ideas have popped into my mind. So, I’ll try to get them into writing sooner rather than later whenever I have an opportunity.

Many of us who have grown up in dysfunctional families with a narcissist at the helm, or have been involved with friends or romantic partners who have narcissistic tendencies, may, at some point, look back at the red flags that we bulldozed over in the past. We typically see them clearly in hindsight, but at that point in time when they originally appeared, we will quite likely have run them over with great gusto and without so much as a second conscious thought. Is it that we don’t want to see them? Or do we spin them into something more positive and palatable than some pesky cautionary warning so that they’re more acceptable to us for the time being? Or are we maybe so caught up in avoiding conflict or losing a relationship that we do what we need to in the moment to squash those red flags like bugs?

Whatever coping technique we use, they all have the same effect: we can move on, quite possibly with our heads essentially in the sand, and maintain the status quo or give that toxic person just one more chance. Maybe this time they’ll see the light and change for the better?! Or just maybe we were too sensitive (gah – don’t narcissists love to put that label on us when we call them out?!) or misunderstood what they said or did and it was a simple mistake on our part?! Maybe…maybe…maybe. We ‘maybe’ ourselves into more hurt every time.

The truth of the matter is that narcissists rarely change. I don’t want to say ‘never change’ because … well, I try to avoid absolutes like ‘never’ or ‘always’. It’s too easy to use those words when you grew up listening to them or heard them often in a toxic relationship. Let’s just say that chances are that most narcissists won’t change because it requires insight and accountability that just doesn’t come easily to them. Once again, their fragile egos don’t allow for being ‘wrong’.

So if we want to possibly avoid the hurt and damage that goes along with relationships with narcissists, we need to do ourselves a favour and quit obliterating those red flags once and for all. Stop driving the bulldozer, take off the rose-colored glasses, and acknowledge when someone regularly behaves in a damaging way that we know isn’t loving and kind. We need to look at people realistically and rationally, call a spade a spade, and then decide how to deal with the situation with our best interests at heart. If we have children in the mix, our best interests and theirs are intermingled. Forget about keeping the peace, or being the ‘nice’ person in order to continue a negative relationship, or sticking around because of fear of ending up alone. Bottom line, if something someone says or does causes us pain, that behaviour needs to be looked at honestly, and it needs to happen asap. No excuses, no giving it time, no burying it. In the name of self-care and love for ourselves, those red flags need to be dealt with. If that means confronting someone, then so be it. If it entails ending a relationship or going low contact, that needs to happen. Sometimes we’ll need help to take action, and that’s when we should reach out to trusted people for whatever help we need. We have the right to protect ourselves, regardless of what disordered people may try to make us believe. If we wouldn’t stand back and watch our sister, mother, daughter, brother, father, son, other loved ones, or friends be treated the way that someone is treating us, then we need to grant ourselves that same love, protection, and respect.

See those red flags and take action. We owe it to ourselves to stop careening over them and looking the other way. I can’t stress enough that, in the end, we will pay a price for our acceptance of toxic behaviour and our choice of inaction (and, yes, inaction is still a choice).

We.are.all.deserving.of.respect.and.love.and.kindness. 🙂

Until next time,

Heather

~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

The road to a better place isn’t always a smooth one

June 29, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Hi everyone,

It’s so great to see the analytics showing ever-increasing numbers of readers on this website. Beyond the cathartic exercise it is for me, it’s nice to know that other people may be benefiting from it as well.

I wanted to touch on low and no contact with toxic family members or partners. When we make a decision to protect ourselves and set boundaries, particularly with disordered people such as narcissists, there is a high probability that our action of distancing ourselves will not be accepted and will, in fact, result in heightened toxic behaviour. Most narcissistically-inclined individuals, their enablers, and any flying monkeys they may have will almost certainly push hard against any barriers we have created. They will likely also try to guilt-trip and shame us in the hope that we will return to the fold and our role of scapegoat, etc.

Sadly, we shouldn’t hold out too much hope that our efforts may possibly result in positive changes in behaviour for the toxic person or people we are holding at arm’s length. That rarely happens, particularly with narcissists, because they typically refuse to be self-aware or accountable for anything. Quite frankly, they will be more likely to be increasingly abusive and blame us even more than usual if we take a stand against them. They don’t want to lose control of us and they will fight tooth and nail to maintain the status quo.

With going low or no contact, we also need to be prepared to lose enablers of the person or people we are distancing ourselves from. If it’s a toxic parent, we may, temporarily or permanently, lose our other parent (the enabler) as well. Sometimes it’s a sacrifice that needs to be made in order to save ourselves from further harm. It’s difficult and painful but often necessary. A toxic family system never reacts well to someone stirring things up, and then it’s all hands on deck to put things back in order at any cost. I mean, what would they do without their scapegoated black sheep to bear the blame for every problem that the narcissist manufactures?

The bottom line is that when we go no contact or low contact with abusive people, it’s for our benefit … period. Creating that safe space for ourselves is what we need in order to clear away the fog of gaslighting and negativity so that we can clearly hear our own thoughts and and feel our own feelings for a change. That, along with a taste of freedom and peace, can be empowering, which then gives us further strength to move forward in a positive direction while we continue to protect ourselves from toxicity.

No or low contact is an extremely personal choice that should not be made lightly. But know for sure that escaping toxic family or relationship dynamics is never without its benefits.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Reach out and don’t look back

June 12, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Hi all!

I don’t usually write specifically about my personal experiences with narcissists. However, here we go.

In honor of my growth mindset perspective and in direct opposition to biases fed to me over the course of many years, I recently reached out to family members who I was not given the opportunity to know throughout my childhood and beyond. It has been an amazing experience. Despite the lengthy amount of time that had elapsed, these people welcomed me with open arms. I have been able to start on a journey of not only knowing new perspectives of my family history, but also having the gift of these people in my life.

Without hesitation, if you so desire, I would recommend this journey. Has a narcissist kept you from getting to know someone that you wanted to have in your life? Has a narcissist been instrumental in destroying a relationship with someone important to you? If you want this person in your life, consider reaching out to them. Don’t be afraid to offer up an explanation as to your perspective on the situation (the narcissist) and why you would like to make a positive change. Show honesty and courage. Let that person know that they matter to you and that you want them in your life, despite what happened in the past. Life is too short to let narcissistic actions take people away from you permanently.

I’ll be back with new posts soon. As always, if you have requests for posts, send them through a comment here or by email to na********************@***il.com.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

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