As scapegoats, we’re typically chosen by a narcissistic parent on the basis of personal attributes and characteristics that they find threatening to their control or ego. When we are the family scapegoat as children and onward, we carry the blame, shame, and guilt that is placed on us by a disordered parent and, most likely, an enabling parent and other family members. Because we’re exposed to this as children, and we trust and believe our parents or role models, we begin to see ourselves this way. We believe that we’re to blame for everything and we should feel ashamed and guilty for it. We think that we ARE indeed a problematic person, and we deserve the way we’re treated. Our intuition may grate against this belief, but we typically don’t trust ourselves enough to listen to it when we’re young or to disbelieve who our family is telling us we are. This can happen again in future relationships because we’re already familiar with and trained to accept the blame.

And so our true identity becomes shrouded in that of the scapegoat. This can result in lost opportunities as we tend to ignore self-care along with our own needs and interests in order to carry the emotional weight of not only our family, but of others with whom we have some form of relationship. And we don’t live as who we genuinely are because we have learned that it will result in backlash from those who wish to hold us down and not allow us to possibly outshine them.

Many times, when scapegoats reach adulthood, we may feel lost. Who am I? What do I like? What interests me? What are my life and career goals? And, quite honestly, that’s a tough spot to find oneself in. When our true identities have been so buried in order to appease others and take care of their emotional needs, it can be challenging to find ourselves. But it’s entirely possible to have success with the search.

Finding ourselves requires asking questions like the ones above, and then answering them from the heart. Leave out what other people want us to do or who we’ve been told that we are or need to be. The focus needs to be on what brings us happiness, fulfillment, peace, and purpose. The process may take some time, but we need to remember that who we are is and always will be inside of us, regardless of how distant it may seem. And if we don’t have answers to the questions just yet, then we have the option to work on determining what they are. We need to trust in the process and that we can successfully unmask our real identity.

Scapegoats are given an identity and expected to wear it over their authentic selves. Just like any other costume, that identity can be removed. We deserve to know who we truly are without a cover that we didn’t ask for or want in the first place. If you’re a scapegoat who hasn’t yet discovered who they really are, maybe it’s time to give yourself that opportunity. It’s not exactly an easy task, but it can result in some beautiful and meaningful revelations that could change our lives in ways we might never have imagined possible.

Here’s a link to some reading recommendations for finding identity after narcissistic abuse: https://amzn.to/48Q879r

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching

www. naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

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