The bottom line when it comes to negative, unpleasant people is that you have no obligation to have them in your life. From romantic partners to family members to friends to coworkers and everyone in between, no one has an obligation to accept and endure toxic behaviour.
I’ve said this in past posts but it deserves repeating – focus on how you ‘feel’ when in the presence of a negative (potentially narcissistic) individual. How do you feel on every level (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual)? If being in the same room with someone makes you feel anxious, depressed, fearful, worried, bad about yourself (one or all of the above), it might be beneficial for you to assess your relationship with them.
Try spending time with other people whose very presence makes you feel peaceful, positive, cared for, etc. because they foster those environments and feelings, and you will notice the massive differences as compared to interacting with a toxic person. Life can be happier, more peaceful and rewarding when we interact with positive people.
What can we do if we can’t find new functional friends or spend time with these sorts of positive people right now, particularly because of COVID? It’s always a good thing to learn to be content and happy by yourself. Hobbies, activities you enjoy, relaxing … whatever it may be, you can be your own happy place. In the end, we are the only ones who can make ourselves truly happy. That isn’t something anyone else can do for us.
So, call that fun relative or friend, hang out in an online forum with others who have common interests, or spend some quality time on your own. But try to avoid believing that you have any responsibility or obligation to allow negative (especially narcissistic), unpleasant, hurtful people to be a part of your existence.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
If you are currently in a situation where you have to endure interactions with a narcissist, here are a few ways to stay strong, balanced and uphold your boundaries:
Do your best to avoid being drawn into their negativity. Using the ‘grey rock’ technique of being non-emotional, as boring as possible and generally rock-like can often deter a narcissist because they can’t get the reactions that they are hoping to.
Walk away rather than being drawn into a cyclical argument or rant against you or someone meaningful in your life.
Keep yourself grounded by taking a walk outside, talking to someone other than the narcissist, taking part in activities that keep your mind from wandering to the narcissistic nonsense, or anything else that works for you.
Reminding yourself that you are dealing with someone whose main goal is to protect their fragile and highly sensitive ego at all costs. Recognizing that their issues are their own and that the behaviour they exhibit has nothing to do with you.
If you so choose, begin making plans to go low or no contact with the narcissist. Just the thought of breaking free from a narcissistically-inclined person can often be enough to lift spirits and clear the mind.
Self-care is incredibly important when regular interaction with a narcissist is necessary for whatever reason. Take a long bath, read a book, go for a walk in nature, watch something on Netflix, etc. Whatever you enjoy doing, do it. Taking care of yourself is especially beneficial when interacting with problematic people because it can help to keep your strength up on all levels.
Mindfulness – bring your mind to the present moment, without judgment. See the narcissist’s behaviour for what it is (their issues), take a few deep breaths and go on with doing what you need to do.
When it comes to dealing with narcissists, learning the tools that work best for you to stay strong and not be drawn in is a great step to take for your own wellbeing and further developing coping strategies. If you would like a support system to help you with these strategies, contact us as set out below.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
You may have heard the term “flying monkeys”. Just who is this referring to? Flying monkeys refers to people who act on behalf of a narcissist against a third party, often in an abusive manner. The term originated with regard to the actual winged monkeys in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ movie, who were ordered to do the unpleasant bidding of the wicked witch, because she had cast a spell on them, against Dorothy and her friends.
Narcissists almost always have people ‘in their corner’. They spin wild stories about how they’ve been victimized, they outright lie to turn people against someone that has angered them or damaged their fragile ego, and then they often create a situation where someone (flying monkey/enabler) feels that they need to defend and join forces with the narcissist against the alleged victimizer (who is typically the actual victim). Now, I have also observed flying monkeys carry out abusive actions against someone that the narcissist dislikes simply because it temporarily quiets the narcissist and makes the life of the flying monkey less irritating for a time. It isn’t always about defending and protecting the narcissistic individual. Sometimes it’s just about shutting them up and taking the heat off the flying monkey in that moment.
When flying monkeys are prompted to be abusive towards a narcissist’s target, it can be equally as (or sometimes more) damaging as the narcissist’s abuse. Flying monkeys can be family members, friends, co-workers – people that are important to us. So it’s quite shocking and painful to be attacked by a loved one or someone who is close to us.
Depending upon the flying monkey’s relationship with the narcissist (and let’s assume that many of these people have no idea what a narcissist is, let alone that they’re caught up with one), many have their eyes opened to the reality of narcissism when the narcissist turns on them, or after they have been a part of more than one attack on others on the narcissist’s behalf and begin to question the situation. When it comes to the spouse/partner of a narcissist (again, they may have no idea that they’re involved with a narcissistic individual or know anything about narcissism), it’s more complicated. This individual is caught between a rock and a hard place. If they don’t join forces with their narcissistic partner/spouse against the target(s), they themselves risk becoming the target, being made miserable on the daily and possibly eroding their relationship with the narcissist (which can be upsetting, depending upon how much or how little they are aware of the dysfunctional dynamics). In the event that they choose to act against someone on behalf of the narcissist, particularly a family member, they will undoubtedly damage their relationship with that individual. It’s a no-win situation for a flying monkey within a family environment that includes a narcissistic partner.
Any of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse with the help of a flying monkey know all too well how hurtful it can be. My advice is to look at the big picture of where this all comes from. When you take a step back, the inner workings of this disordered system become very clear. If you can picture, within the family system, the flying monkey as stuck between a rock (their narcissist spouse/partner) and a hard place (the narcissist’s target, often the scapegoat child), it can make it much easier to process and understand. In other non-family situations, flying monkeys are generally oblivious to what is happening at the start. They have been manipulated into believing that the narcissist (a friend, co-worker, neighbour, etc.), who they may feel is a sweet, kind and wonderful person because of the fake persona the narcissist has shown them, is being victimized and they feel the need to defend them. At some point, they will likely see the light. In the meantime, it helps to recognize that these people are unaware of the truth of what is at play yet. Narcissists are good at hiding who they are when it suits their interests. There’s a pretty good chance that the flying monkey(s) that came after you will be on the receiving end of the very same narcissist’s wrath and new flying monkeys some day, too, and then it will all become abundantly clear to them.
When dealing with flying monkeys, try to keep in mind that they are often having the wool pulled over their eyes by the narcissist. They are being used and manipulated in the narcissist’s crusades against others; puppets being controlled by someone whose main goal in life is to protect their fragile ego at any and all costs. This isn’t to say that their ignorance excuses them from their actions against others at the urging of a narcissist; but when processing the damage that flying monkeys can do, it helps to understand where it all originates from.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
The definition of intuition is “the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning”.
Intuition is a tool that is always in our toolbox. The trick is to allow it to do its job by consistently listening to it and trusting in the process.
When we have narcissists in our lives, they will often convince us to listen to them rather than following our own instincts and wisdom when it comes to our life decisions. Without a doubt, this will ultimately create issues for us.
By following our intuition, in concert with using our knowledge and common sense, we tend to derive positive and beneficial outcomes. This all boils down to trusting ourselves to make good decisions. Have faith in yourself that you have the ability to manage your life. It’s never a good idea to hand over that power to anyone, especially a narcissist.
Let your intuition freely flow, listen to and trust in it, and then trust yourself to do what is best with the information available to you. Believe and trust in yourself to know what is best for you.
If you would like to delve further into the world of intuition, here is a book suggestion and link:
