If we happen to be a family scapegoat or in a relationship with an intimate partner or friend who exhibits narcissistic traits, we will likely have seen the two different faces that they sometimes wear.

In private, these individuals can be abusive, hostile, angry, jealous, unpleasant people to be around. They don’t try to appear otherwise, in most cases. They treat us poorly and their attitudes towards us are written all over their faces and in their body language.

But, often, when we are in public with these same individuals, their entire demeanour, facial expressions, and body language will suddenly change for the better. If other people are in the vicinity, these individuals — who couldn’t smile at us in private to save their lives — are now smiling, sweet, and pleasant to everyone, including we scapegoats. They appear to be the wonderful, loving parent, partner, friend, and so on. But the key word here is ‘appear’.

The public display of niceness is an act. It’s all about appearances and putting on a show so that outsiders are kept in the dark about who these individuals are in their personal relationships. A narcissistic parent wouldn’t want the world to know that they regularly tell their scapegoat daughter, for example, that she’s unattractive, unintelligent, and unlikeable. The intimate partner tries to avoid outsiders knowing that, for instance, although they look attentive, gentle, and helpful with their children, they do absolutely nothing to pull their weight in any way in private. Toxic friends will appear to be bonded to scapegoated friends when they’re out, but smear campaigns may be building behind the scenes.

The ‘nice’ facade can be unsettling and confusing for scapegoats. “This person just screamed at me in the car on the way to the concert, but now they’re behaving as though we’re a loving family while we’re out around other people”. That might be the type of observation we make, and it can be disorienting. And then when we’re back in private with them, they revert to their toxic selves once again. It can be a roller coaster ride.

But once we recognize that it’s all an act, it gets easier to ride out the ups and downs. Narcissists typically want the world to see them in a bright and shiny way. They want respect, adulation, compliments, and other great things from people. Those things feed their fragile egos. In private, with their scapegoat(s) and enablers, they can pull off the mask and behave in whatever way they want. They have created the perfect environment in which to abuse people and get away with it so why would they bother to make any effort to be nice in that space? Plus, if they behave one way in private, and another way in public, people would be less likely to believe a scapegoat who tries to get help or vent. “But your ‘fill-in-the-blank’ is so kind and nice! How could you say that about them? What’s wrong with you?”. Not everyone would react this way, but many would because they are unaware of the dynamics at play.

In the end, we need to remember that there are two faces to most narcissistically-inclined individuals. And we can’t be fooled into thinking that the ‘nice’ act will continue in private or that these people have suddenly and permanently changed for the better. That’s a very rare occurrence. It’s all a show to keep others from seeing the truth.

As with most things, there will be toxic and/or narcissistic individuals who don’t fit into the typical mold of behaviours. They may be blatantly unpleasant with everyone in their surroundings and couldn’t care less what people think of them (overt narcissists). But it seems that many tend to be covert with their actions. They want to ensure that an impressive persona is created for outsiders. Appearances are everything to them because their egos depend on it.

The bottom line is that awareness is key with these behaviours. Scapegoats can’t continually ride out those emotions that can go along with behaviour changes in narcissists and others. That would be exhausting. The best thing to do is see things as they are. Otherwise, we would always be hoping and then being let down and hurt over and over again, which is emotionally draining. Awareness, self-care, self-love, and growth mindset are beneficial.

Here are some reading recommendations: https://amzn.to/4bnDES5

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching

www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and TikTok

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours*