Low Expectations

I don’t often write from a strictly personal level but I thought this experience might resonate with other scapegoats.

My narcissistic parent – despite constantly pressuring me to attain high levels of achievement – has told me, from the earliest days I can remember, that I’m ‘average’. Average (sometimes below average) at everything – academics, music, athletics, social skills, personality, appearance, and so on. And I was constantly reminded that while high achievement was required by them, I was incapable of achieving it. Impossible situation. You get the picture. And I was informed of this at every opportunity. The message was that I was never enough, that I was always falling short. And so, from the time I was a young child, I believed the negativity and biased things I was told about myself. I mean, as children, we tend to believe our parents without question. They’re our everything, and we think that they’ll keep us safe and look out for our best interests. I was no different in that regard.

I always hoped that my parent might show pride or give me a compliment if I just kept working away as much as possible, existing under constant pressure. I wanted to make them proud. I wanted to avoid their disappointment and negative comments. But it never happened, no matter what I did. If I received an ‘A’ on a school project, they wanted to know why it wasn’t an ‘A+’. If I received an ‘A+’ on an assignment, then they assumed every student must have received high marks because it was too easy. Or if I was practicing the piano, one wrong note was all I received feedback on from my parent while the many accurate notes were completely ignored. I typically felt as though I was failing at everything I attempted. It seemed as though I was never good enough and never would be. And, ironically, yes, my golden child sibling was often an underachiever and yet received accolades from our narc parent at every turn. That continues to this day.

Looking back, at different times over the years, at report cards, music conservatory records, sports medals, memories of great friendships, compliments from trusted others, and who I knew or felt myself to be, I often questioned the significant differences between my parent’s perspective of me and my achievements and the voices of those outside our immediate family. And yet I always deferred to the negative portrayal simply because this was my parent and I thought they knew me best. In fact, I was often told that they knew me better than I knew myself. Their negative voice and perspective eventually became cemented in my mind and coloured most of my daily life. It did a lot of damage, to say the least. And, as an adult, it took a lot of time and effort to undo the worst of it once I realized the truth about my family. Now I look at the past through different eyes and give myself credit for my achievements, especially in the face of the negativity and never-ending stress that existed.

Fast-forward to this week. Narcs like to come out of the woodwork during special occasions. Although I’m no-contact with this individual, they are determined to get negative messaging to me and tend to do that through family members. So, the long and the short of it is that my ‘parent’ (using the term loosely) conveyed to a family member a comment that made it unquestionably clear that their unfounded belief about my ‘average-ness’ or ‘below average-ness’ has not changed in the slightest, regardless of my actual accomplishments and who I actually am as a person. They continue to launch smear campaigns and take aim at me, even after years of estrangement.

And that’s okay. Why? Because it’s their issue, not mine. This person branded me as a scapegoat as soon as I came into the world. They’ve felt threatened by my very existence because they’re always on high alert for protecting and bolstering their fragile ego. They needed someone to take all the blame in the family, and I was the chosen one. And that behaviour has continued throughout my life. I’ve been the family scapegoat since day one. My enabling parent told me several years ago that I had been the ‘problem’ in our family my entire life because I wouldn’t go along with the dynamics of their toxic spouse. That’s the scapegoat role in a nutshell. Even though I’ve kept myself protected and out of their lives for many years, they still need to keep me (in their mind) in that role in order to maintain the balance of the dysfunctional family dynamics. This person’s attitude towards me will never change, nor will my enabling parent ever see me in any way but what is dictated by the head narc because, otherwise, their life would be complete misery. I know all of that, I accept it, and it is what it is.

So be it. It literally has nothing to do with me. And for all of you who are scapegoats, how you are perceived by dysfunctional family members and other toxic individuals or enablers is not rooted in reality. It’s based in who they need to see you as – who you need to be in their minds – in order to ensure that your scapegoat role continues. Being able to point fingers and place blame on you is the key for them to avoid the consequences of their own bad behaviour. Even if you’re not in their lives and they know nothing about your life, they will continue to target you. They need you. But the truth is, you don’t need them. Someone once asked me, “If they weren’t your parent, would you choose that person as a friend?”, and I couldn’t honestly say that I would. I prefer non-toxic friends.

Going into this new year, let’s all try to show ourselves compassion, acceptance, patience, and love. Positive self-perception has the power to override even the worst of comments and attitudes from narcissistically inclined people. We get this one life to live and we might as well make it a great one. Some people aren’t conducive to that goal, and they never will be. In the end, as adults, we have the ultimate choice in who goes along with us on our life’s journey. Choose wisely, my friends. And it also helps to keep in mind that low expectations can go both ways. We may have a parent who scapegoats us and, in my specific case, places us in the realm of ‘below average’ or some other unjustified space, but the most realistic response to those attitudes is to hold low expectations of that parent who scapegoats us. They are emotionally immature people who engage in smear campaigns against their own scapegoated children, regardless of their age or any other factors, and have never been supportive, shown authentic pride, or expressed genuine love for us. Why expect more? Let’s all be our own biggest fan and negate the need to seek approval from others, particularly narcissists.

I hope that this post helps someone in some way. ❤️

Book recommendations on self-acceptance: https://amzn.to/3SfwMNW

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching

www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and TikTok

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours*