Childhood abuse and trauma, together with cumulative negative experiences with toxic people as our lives move forward, often results in an exaggerated physiological response to stressful situations. Our emotional reactions register within our mind and body, and this can also lead to mental and/or physical illnesses.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, shows “how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust”. This is a great book with beneficial insights into the workings of stress and trauma on our bodies and minds. (Amazon Link to this book: https://amzn.to/3SHQIsE).
When we are aware of how abuse, stress, and trauma can affect our minds and bodies, we have the opportunity to minimize our exposure to these situations and/or learn how to successfully manage it in our lives. There are many helpful activities that we can engage in, which I have discussed in previous posts, that include deep breathing, mindfulness, self-care, talking with a trusted individual, and so on. We are empowered when we learn about the impacts of certain negative situations on our wellbeing, and then take steps to minimize those impacts. Protecting ourselves from harm is imperative, and we have the right to take steps to keep ourselves safe.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
This is a great short video from WHO with a view of depression and its perception that is quite unique. If you’re interested, the link is below. Just click on it and it will take you to the video in YouTube.
You may have heard the term “flying monkeys”. Just who is this referring to? Flying monkeys refers to people who act on behalf of a narcissist against a third party, often in an abusive manner. The term originated with regard to the actual winged monkeys in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ movie, who were ordered to do the unpleasant bidding of the wicked witch, because she had cast a spell on them, against Dorothy and her friends.
Narcissists almost always have people ‘in their corner’. They spin wild stories about how they’ve been victimized, they outright lie to turn people against someone that has angered them or damaged their fragile ego, and then they often create a situation where someone (flying monkey/enabler) feels that they need to defend and join forces with the narcissist against the alleged victimizer (who is typically the actual victim). Now, I have also observed flying monkeys carry out abusive actions against someone that the narcissist dislikes simply because it temporarily quiets the narcissist and makes the life of the flying monkey less irritating for a time. It isn’t always about defending and protecting the narcissistic individual. Sometimes it’s just about shutting them up and taking the heat off the flying monkey in that moment.
When flying monkeys are prompted to be abusive towards a narcissist’s target, it can be equally as (or sometimes more) damaging as the narcissist’s abuse. Flying monkeys can be family members, friends, co-workers – people that are important to us. So it’s quite shocking and painful to be attacked by a loved one or someone who is close to us.
Depending upon the flying monkey’s relationship with the narcissist (and let’s assume that many of these people have no idea what a narcissist is, let alone that they’re caught up with one), many have their eyes opened to the reality of narcissism when the narcissist turns on them, or after they have been a part of more than one attack on others on the narcissist’s behalf and begin to question the situation. When it comes to the spouse/partner of a narcissist (again, they may have no idea that they’re involved with a narcissistic individual or know anything about narcissism), it’s more complicated. This individual is caught between a rock and a hard place. If they don’t join forces with their narcissistic partner/spouse against the target(s), they themselves risk becoming the target, being made miserable on the daily and possibly eroding their relationship with the narcissist (which can be upsetting, depending upon how much or how little they are aware of the dysfunctional dynamics). In the event that they choose to act against someone on behalf of the narcissist, particularly a family member, they will undoubtedly damage their relationship with that individual. It’s a no-win situation for a flying monkey within a family environment that includes a narcissistic partner.
Any of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse with the help of a flying monkey know all too well how hurtful it can be. My advice is to look at the big picture of where this all comes from. When you take a step back, the inner workings of this disordered system become very clear. If you can picture, within the family system, the flying monkey as stuck between a rock (their narcissist spouse/partner) and a hard place (the narcissist’s target, often the scapegoat child), it can make it much easier to process and understand. In other non-family situations, flying monkeys are generally oblivious to what is happening at the start. They have been manipulated into believing that the narcissist (a friend, co-worker, neighbour, etc.), who they may feel is a sweet, kind and wonderful person because of the fake persona the narcissist has shown them, is being victimized and they feel the need to defend them. At some point, they will likely see the light. In the meantime, it helps to recognize that these people are unaware of the truth of what is at play yet. Narcissists are good at hiding who they are when it suits their interests. There’s a pretty good chance that the flying monkey(s) that came after you will be on the receiving end of the very same narcissist’s wrath and new flying monkeys some day, too, and then it will all become abundantly clear to them.
When dealing with flying monkeys, try to keep in mind that they are often having the wool pulled over their eyes by the narcissist. They are being used and manipulated in the narcissist’s crusades against others; puppets being controlled by someone whose main goal in life is to protect their fragile ego at any and all costs. This isn’t to say that their ignorance excuses them from their actions against others at the urging of a narcissist; but when processing the damage that flying monkeys can do, it helps to understand where it all originates from.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Here’s the lowdown on many people – they will believe whatever suits them about a particular situation/person. Whether their conclusion is accurate or not, their existing belief system, need to ‘follow the crowd’, low self-esteem or a whole host of other factors, will shape their perception and judgment of whatever information is in front of them.
If you happen to have been the subject of a conversation that you are made privy to afterwards and you appear to have come out looking like the ‘bad guy’, you could spend all day, every day attempting to convince certain individuals of your innocence, etc. But the fact remains that no matter how much energy you put into justifying and defending yourself, they will still believe whatever they want to believe about you. We can only control our own thoughts and actions. There is absolutely nothing any of us can do when it comes to what someone else chooses to believe about us, true or otherwise.
When narcissists are involved, the situation can be even more challenging. If a narcissistic individual has targeted you and started a smear campaign against you to other people, this can be a difficult enough situation to cope with. Add in the high possibility that the narcissist will be portraying themselves as a victim as well, and you will typically be looking at a heaping pot bubbling over with gossip, untruths and judgment.
I’ll admit it – this 110% used to bother me. It was a driving force in my life for years upon years. I felt as though I needed to justify my words/actions and defend my character and reputation to all who may have been manipulated by the person in question (most often a narcissistically-inclined individual) into believing that I was (fill in the blank). Those situations caused me endless worry, sleepless nights and a ton of stress and anxiety. I naively believed that if I was given an opportunity to plead my case, people would miraculously recognize that they had been given false and misleading information and they would instantly “see the truth” and change their erroneous beliefs about me. It definitely doesn’t work that way with most people. We all have our own perceptions, belief systems and moral code that we live by and it’s rare for any two people to share the exact same ones.
For me, the big a-ha moment came when a situation took place several years ago involving a person I absolutely adored, someone I thought should have known me better than to believe the tall tales of a narcissist. And yet, they did just that. They believed the narcissist and then destroyed our relationship over it. It was as though a light bulb went on in my mind. I realized then and there that no matter what I did or said or shouted from the rooftops, people will believe what they choose to believe, regardless of whether it is accurate or not. When a narcissist is at play as well, gleefully adding to the character assassination with their distorted stories of rewritten history and claims of being victimized, everything becomes just that much more intense.
I have to say, even though the situation that brought me to this awareness caused extreme emotional distress at the time, it also removed a huge weight. This person who I thought knew my character well enough to see through untruths about me had chosen instead to accept them. I had known this person my entire life and thought I could always trust them to have my back. But, regardless of their reasons for choosing to believe narcissistic tales, it had become instantly clear to me that there was absolutely nothing I could say or do to change what this person believed about me. And if this person who was a close part of my life could make that choice after years of knowing me and completely ignore the fact that I wasn’t capable of the lies being told about me, then those who didn’t know me well or at all undoubtedly could and would do the same, and there wasn’t a thing that would change that. Suddenly, what others thought of me, whether they believed outright lies about me, whether they heard my perspective or judged me in ways that didn’t fit with my character – it no longer mattered to me or controlled me in any way. It was an emotional and empowering moment in my life. That self-imposed burden of caring what other people thought of me or of anything or anyone else, for that matter, or naively thinking that the truth would always prevail, was instantly removed and tossed away, never to return.
The truth is that, without a doubt, most people (those who don’t have your back, I mean) will believe what they want to believe about you, even if it’s some nonsense imparted to them by a narcissist with a vendetta against you. Whether those beliefs are good or bad, accurate or inaccurate, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change someone else’s beliefs. Setting ourselves free from the shackles of outside opinions is an incredible gift. Recognizing that regardless of what we say or do, others will believe what they choose to believe, can make an enormous difference in the quality of our lives. We have the ability to set ourselves free from these confines and to go forward each day knowing that we do not need to be slaves to what anyone else thinks, feels or believes about us.
You know your character and exactly who you are. Go out into the world with your head held high. Life goes on for you regardless of what other people are thinking of you or anything else. And if you find yourself struggling with it some days, just remember this saying – “What other people think of you is none of your business”.
Here’s an idea and corresponding link for a journal to keep track of your thoughts and experiences while on your journey:
Continuing on with the short self-care series, our focus should always be on caring for ourselves to ensure that we are strong and as healthy as possible on all levels. Dealing with narcissists is usually a draining experience and it’s easy to lose ourselves in all of the drama and exhaustion from it.
So … acupuncture and acupressure. Both are based on promoting wellness and relaxation as well as treating disease. Acupuncture involves a practitioner stimulating certain points in the body, most often inserting thin needles through the skin. It has been found to be beneficial for some individuals with conditions such as low back pain, neck pain, osteoarthritis/knee pain, headaches/migraines and other conditions. I found acupuncture extremely helpful for pain with a herniated disc in my lower back many years ago.
Acupressure uses pressure to stimulate points on the body in an effort to clear blockages within a targeted area. Hands, elbows and other tools are used for this activity, and it can be performed by a practitioner or by oneself.
While living with a narcissistic individual, I often had headaches or migraines brought on by stress. Acupressure and acupuncture are both great options for relieving stress, improving relaxation and allowing the body to heal itself. One such acupressure exercise for potential headache/migraine relief is as follows: Using the thumb of one hand, press the webbing between the thumb and index finger of your other hand. Try to angle the pressure toward the bone that connects the index finger and hold for one minute. Then do the same for your other hand. I recently purchased this book, “Acupressure’s Potent Points A Guide to Self-Care for Common Ailments” by Michael Reed Gach. So far, I have found it to be quite a useful resource. Here is the link for this book:
I quite possibly sound like a broken record, but self-care is so extraordinarily important. I can’t emphasize enough just how crucial it is, particularly when dealing with narcissistic abuse. Do what you can to keep yourself strong. It’s easier to maintain strength and wellness than it is to start from scratch. Narcissists often try to convince us that we aren’t important and therefore there’s no point in taking care of ourselves. Don’t buy into that philosophy because it is 110% incorrect. We do matter and we are worth it.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
*Disclaimer: I may receive a small commission if you click on the above link and purchase the product.*
To anyone who is contemplating leaving a narcissist or in the process of doing so, just hang in there. You’ve got this … you can do it. Whether this is a family member, friend, romantic partner, etc., you can and will get to a better place.
There’s no doubt that it’s incredibly challenging to arrive at the decision to leave behind a narcissist, let alone actually leaving, but there is so much more for you on the other side of this situation.
Believe in yourself and your future. Everyone deserves respect, particularly from loved ones. If you aren’t getting that, then you need to consider moving on. Yes, it can be tough to imagine your life without this person, and, no, it isn’t easy to make huge life changes. But they are very much worth it. And when you look back, you will wonder why you didn’t make the changes sooner.
Narcissists rarely change. Trying to make them see that they should behave decently is typically a waste of energy (and also something you really shouldn’t need to explain to anyone). And while you’re working on convincing them, they are continuing to manipulate, undermine, sabotage and damage you further while wasting more of your time in the process. In the end, moving on inevitably brings on new opportunities, personal growth, and so much more.
During the decision-making and/or leaving process (wherever you may be right now), keep self-care at the forefront. You need to be strong on every level in order to move forward. If you make self-care a priority, you will benefit from it more than you can likely imagine right now. And find support in people you trust. That includes not only family and/or friends but also social workers, psychologists, coaches or any other resource that you can locate to help you get through this.
Just know that there are multitudes of narcissistic abuse survivors out there rooting for you and every other person trying to move beyond a narcissist in their life. Picture yourself in a better time and place and then put one foot in front of the other to start the journey. Your feet may feel like lead and your mind may be spinning, leaving you confused and muddled. That’s normal under these circumstances. But know that you can do it and you will thank yourself for it some day when peace, happiness and clarity become daily happenings.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
