Tag: narcissistic mother (Page 1 of 2)

How to Say Goodbye to Limiting Beliefs

July 29, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Limiting beliefs are a state of mind or beliefs about yourself or the world that are restricting. These beliefs can run the gamut from “I don’t have enough time” to “I’m not good enough – smart enough – attractive enough” and so on. And, yes, we place these limits on ourselves and our environment. Sometimes they arise from a single negative experience. Other times, though, they are the result of growing up in a toxic family. Scapegoats/black sheep of narcissist parents, for instance, are regularly criticized, critiqued, berated, judged, and punished for the smallest of things. This gives the distinct message from one’s own family that a person is unworthy and unlovable. Under these conditions, it’s not difficult to fall into the belief that we’re defective and lacking.  And this can impact our entire life if we don’t intervene on our own behalf.

So, how do we go about dealing with limiting beliefs?

First of all, we need to recognize them. Like, “why am I afraid to try this? There’s something holding me back!”

Next, we need to recognize that what we have is simply a belief. It isn’t a fact. It isn’t truth. It’s just a belief we are holding about ourselves or the world around us.

Knowing that these are just beliefs, we can begin to challenge them.

The next step is to challenge our belief. Rather than accepting our negative, belief-based thoughts about, say, what we’re capable of academically, we should ask ourselves why we feel that way. If our answer to the self-posed question is that we aren’t intelligent enough to be successful in academics, then our next question to ourselves should be, “why not?”. Chances are, we might not have a justifiable response.

It is incredibly important to then recognize the potentially damaging consequences of continuing to hold limiting beliefs about ourselves and our world. Missed opportunities, self-esteem issues, lack of success, and so on.

Then, adopting new and positive beliefs is imperative. For example, if we’ve been holding the belief that we’re “not smart enough”, we can replace it with “I am capable of whatever I put my mind to”. Or if it’s “I’m not good enough”, then it needs to be something more like, “I am enough”.

Lastly, we need to put new beliefs into practice. It can be challenging to step out of a comfort zone, no matter how dysfunctional it is or that it didn’t serve us well. But it is entirely possible to overhaul our belief systems and then act in accordance with them.

As an example, many people who were raised in a narcissistic environment (narcissist, enabling parent, golden child) are likely to have limiting beliefs about many parts of themselves. A common occurrence with scapegoats is being told that they’re “average” or even “stupid”.  That can translate to difficulties in school because scapegoats will often adopt that belief about themselves (remember, as children, we trust our parents and accept what they say as truth) and it, in turn, limits them academically. From childhood, that typically carries on through adolescence and into adulthood, sometimes having negative impacts on post-secondary education and career options, for instance. But if we learn to challenge our beliefs regularly, and to implement beneficial beliefs after weeding out the limiting ones, we will begin to approach our self-image and self-beliefs, as well as our beliefs about the world, in ways that help us to stop cheating ourselves out of opportunities. Instead, we will learn to approach our lives with confidence and healthy self-esteem.

One word of warning is that, although anyone can have limiting beliefs that should be changed, scapegoats in particular need to have an awareness that anger may rise up when we’re working through the process. Why? Because it’s difficult to recognize that we adopted our beliefs about ourselves and the world from people we trusted because we were too young to question it. And then those beliefs have been carried through our lives to whatever point we’re currently at. And we may, in retrospect, see lost opportunities, self-sabotaging or destructive behaviours that have taken place. It can bring up a lot of emotions that we need to be prepared for.

In the end, what we need to remind ourselves is that we weren’t foolish to listen to our disordered or emotionally immature parents and then accept what they told us about ourselves and the world as truth. We were children. And children trust their role models. But when we become ‘awakened’ and see things as they are, it’s our opportunity to take our futures in hand and live our lives in healthy, functional ways. Holding beneficial beliefs is empowering and it frees us to thrive as we were meant to. We’ll likely discover amazing things about ourselves along the way. Resentment and anger will only hold us back if we don’t let it go. That in itself is limiting. Step into this new awareness with a growth mindset, inner strength, and the knowledge that the future is ours and it’s limitless.

Until next time,

~Heather Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

 

What Happens When We Leave a Toxic System?

January 18, 2023 / / 0 Comments

When we decide to go low contact or no contact with dysfunctional family members, friends, partners, workplaces, and so on, what happens to those individuals and the toxic system?  It doesn’t really matter as far as our own healing and progress is concerned, but it’s interesting to consider it.

In the case of, say, a narcissistic romantic partner, there may be an initial attempt at keeping the relationship intact but they will typically move on to a new person (aka source of supply, meaning someone to keep their ego happy temporarily).  When there are children involved, there may be issues, but there is definitely an assortment of legal and other means of managing everything.  Toxic workplaces would be similar to romantic partners because there will typically be someone there to fill the void space, as would be the case with the majority of toxic friends (particularly ones with shallow bonds).

But when it comes to a toxic family system with, potentially, a narcissist at the helm, what happens when, say, the scapegoat leaves through low contact or no contact?  This is different than the relationships noted above.  Family systems have incredibly lengthy histories, with specific people who “play” certain roles.  For example, with a narcissistic mother as the dominant individual, there will quite likely be an enabling father.  And there will be a child or children who are the scapegoat or the golden child.  The dysfunctional family system, and particularly the narcissist, needs everyone to stay in order to maintain the status quo.  And the people within the system can’t simply be replaced.  This toxic system can often include extended family members, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others.  In order to survive, it needs its members to remain in the loop and to play their given parts.

So, scapegoats will often experience attempts by family members to keep them drawn into the mix.  A narcissistic parent needs the scapegoat; to talk about, complain about, blame, control, condescend to, put down, manipulate.  Without this relational dynamic, the narcissist’s system falls apart.  This is at the very root of the entire game they play to feed their fragile egos.  How can they play the victim or place blame if the scapegoat isn’t available?  Who do they compare their golden child to, if not the scapegoat?  How do they pass their time with, perhaps, an enabling partner if they don’t have their usual scapegoat fodder to regularly discuss and dissect?  It may not even be the narcissistic parent who attempts to draw a scapegoat back into the fold.  In fact, they’re more likely to play the victim of ‘abandonment’ and then encourage others to do the convincing on their behalf.  It could be the enabling parent, siblings, other relatives, or flying monkeys (people who do the narcissist’s bidding on the mistaken belief that the narcissist is being victimized) who are friends of the narcissist.  Why?  Because they likely feel ill at ease with the shift in the system, in addition to having to deal with an angry narcissist who, without their fall guy, might now be aiming their increased victim charade, outbursts, blaming, and negative behaviour at other people.  Everyone in the system wants to keep the narcissist happy, if only to make their own lives less difficult.  Just like a loss of hydro to a home, the goal of a toxic family that has lost its integral scapegoat is to reinstitute them in their role and put the system back to ‘normal’.

To sum it up, toxic family systems will be turned on their heads when a scapegoat makes the decision to remove themselves.  And those who remain will struggle with the change and will have a tendency to want to bring everything back as it was.  Holding an awareness of this can be of great benefit for scapegoats.  We may get the emotional impression management treatment from family members who want us to return to our role so that everything will be back in place.  “We all miss you, please come back.  We’re your family”.  But the sad truth is that they don’t miss ‘us’; they miss the perceived stability of the toxic system, whether they realize it or not.  Everyone needs to play their part to keep the dysfunction alive and well in order to have even the slightest chance of a bit of peace in their lives.  This system is familiar and it’s what keeps narcissists as content as they can be, which means that everything can keep rolling along, as well as it possibly can in such a disordered environment.  When we leave, they want us to return, but not for the right reasons.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Emotional Loneliness in Abnormal Environments

November 17, 2022 / / 0 Comments

As children in dysfunctional families, particularly with narcissists in the mix, emotional loneliness can be a strong factor in our lives.  We may feel very alone and abandoned, and, in many cases, this creates feelings of something being ‘wrong’ with us.  In turn, we may use unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with all of it.

This emotional loneliness comes from being in an abnormal environment where sympathetic interest in us is lacking.  We may be told we’re too sensitive or too emotional.  Or the unspoken (or sometimes spoken) message might be that we don’t matter enough to our family for them to even take the time or make the effort to hear us or provide any support or comfort.  We’re usually conditioned to believe that the only voices that matter come from our caregivers and that they’re the only ones who are permitted to have and express all manner of emotions.  It’s a lonely and emotionally cut-off place to be, without a doubt.  This is abuse and it creates interpersonal trauma.

But does feeling this way mean there’s something wrong with us?  No.  Not in any way, shape, or form.  The way we feel is a completely normal reaction to an abnormal environment.  In most cases, our caregivers simply weren’t emotionally mature enough themselves, for whatever reason, to offer emotional support to anyone else.  We feel the effects of that void in the form of emotional loneliness.  It’s like being completely alone on an island.  As humans, it’s absolutely normal to feel this way in response to a lack of healthy contact and support from our caregivers.  It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us.  The root of these feelings is people who aren’t there for us the way they should be.  And we’re having normal human reactions to being starved of those connections and experiences.

So, how do we overcome emotional loneliness?  First of all, be aware that it won’t happen overnight, but it’s worth taking the time to heal.  We need to begin by repairing our conditioned reality.  Dysfunctional families are not there for one another in healthy and supportive ways.  If we’re looking at narcissistic parenting, for example, narcissists, with their fragile and needy egos, have zero ability or desire to attend to anyone but themselves, and they expect everyone around them to make them the center of the universe as well.  Once we see that, things begin to make sense.  “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with me!  I was reacting normally to an abnormal environment.”  Then we need to move on to the next step, which is to learn to love ourselves.  It sounds cliched, for sure.  But it helps us to heal.  This can look like building compassion for and trust in ourselves, giving ourselves the unconditional love that we deserved but rarely or never received as children, comforting and hearing our inner child, learning to silence our internal critic and the guilt and shame that has been unjustly forced on us, and exercising regular self-care.  We need to develop healthy, non-toxic relationships with self and with supportive others in order to heal ourselves.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Being emotion-free with narcissists is always beneficial

March 19, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Hi all! I’m taking a break from writing university course research essays to … well, to write a post. Ironic, isn’t it?

So, one of the key ways to address any dealings you need to have with a narcissist is to try to leave emotion out of the interaction. Narcissists thrive on our reactions when they’ve pushed our buttons; the more emotional the response, the better, as far as they’re concerned. It makes them feel as though they’ve controlled us and “got their own way”. And, when it comes down to it, that’s very true. When we allow a narcissist to bait us into an emotional response, we are literally handing over our power. That’s exactly the reaction they always hope for, and we sometimes fall into their traps. Let’s face it – it isn’t easy to deal with a narcissist at the best of times, and they always seem to know just what to say to upset us. That’s one of the most common characteristics of narcissists.

Here’s the thing, though: when we go into an interaction with someone we believe to be toxic, if not narcissistic, we have the choice to arm ourselves with the promise that no matter what is said or done, we will not react from an emotional level. This tactic may need to be repeated a few times because most narcissists won’t give up after just one unemotional response. But, eventually, they will lose interest in attempting to draw us into their game. When they don’t get any control or other benefits from trying to force an emotional reaction, they get bored. They are getting nothing out of it anymore. More than likely, they’ll move on to someone else who will give them the response they’re hoping for.

Trust me – this gets easier and more automatic the more you do it. It takes practice but it’s very possible to master it. And the self-control and strength it will give you is amazing. It’s empowering.

So, give it a try if you feel like it’s important to you. Take back your power by not feeding the trolls. You’ll be shocked by how great it feels to turn those tables and flip that script! Good luck!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Happy Family Day!!

February 21, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Where I live, Family Day is celebrated. It is essentially a day to take a rest from work and spend time with family. That day is today, February 21st.

For anyone else living where this occasion is observed, Happy Family Day to you!!

I’d like to take this opportunity, though, to mention that who we include in our lives as ‘family’ is truly up to us. Our blood relatives may indeed be part of that group, but they can just as easily not be. Because ‘family’ should be people who love, respect, value, and care about us. Sadly, that doesn’t always come in the form of people to whom we’re related. Family can be partners, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and everyone in between. We have the power to make the call on who is a member of what we consider to be our family unit.

Family

So if you’re celebrating Family Day today, enjoy some much-needed downtime and enjoy the moments with whoever you call family.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Say ‘No’ To the Role of Family Scapegoat

February 18, 2022 / / 0 Comments

As I sit down to write this post here in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, I’m looking out at several inches of newly fallen snow (after a day of rain) with hope that the police and protestors involved in the Freedom Convoy in the downtown core will interact as peacefully as possible. After three weeks of trucks and protestors occupying the city center, it’s difficult to guess what the final results of the ramped up police efforts of yesterday and today will ultimately be.

On to today’s post. For anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, many of which have a narcissist at the helm, the feeling of being wrong all the time is a familiar one, particularly when it comes to emotions and opinions. We were, as children, and may still be as adults, often told what to feel or what not to feel, that our opinions and beliefs are incorrect unless they fit with a certain description, and typically that we are at fault for anything considered to be an issue within the family unit. Many of us will have been asked the question, “what did you do?” at every turn. It isn’t uncommon to be told that we’ve been the main problem within the family since we came into the world. Yes, indeed, as newborn babies we were a ‘problem’ and that trend apparently just continued throughout our lives. Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn’t it? And yet that’s what many dysfunctional families, particularly those with narcissists, would have us, the scapegoats, believe. Why? Because that way the person or people who are actually the ongoing troublemaker(s) and their loyal followers can avoid accountability or any need to look at themselves or change their toxic behavior. As long as there’s someone else to constantly put the blame on, they can continue with their dysfunctional ways.

Where does a lifetime of being told we’re wrong and always at fault tend to lead us? Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, accepting unjustified blame from other toxic people who may come into our lives, believing that everything that goes wrong around us must have been caused by us in some way, and an overall feeling that our opinions and beliefs are quite simply wrong or that we don’t have a right to speak up or be heard.

Here’s the truth of the matter: we aren’t wrong any more than anyone else is; we don’t have to accept the blame or take accountability for things we didn’t say or do; we have a right to our opinions and beliefs, whether or not they fit with those of other people, and to be heard when we choose to speak up. We shouldn’t be robbed of the benefits of confidence and self-esteem simply because making ourselves small and accepting blame allows a narcissist to keep up their facade and to manipulate and control us and others in our environment. Yes, there will always be ‘flying monkeys’ who will go along with toxic people in their campaigns against us. That doesn’t make them right and us wrong, though. It’s simply the way this type of dysfunctional system operates.

We can live our lives fully and feel good about ourselves in spite of the messages conveyed to us as children and onward through our lives. The fact of the matter is that those messages of constant blame and shame are what is wrong. No one should be made to feel like a black sheep and scapegoated at every turn, especially when the main agenda at play is to maintain and strengthen the role of a narcissist or other toxic individual.

Scapegoat

How do we defend ourselves against these messages or undo the results of years of finger-pointing? Take a step back and really consider these messages from an unemotional and neutral space. For example, could a person have been a ‘problem’ in their family of origin from the moment of their birth? Nope. Could anyone always be ‘at fault’ and ‘wrong’, creating all problems within a family in every moment of every day? Nope. Could one person’s opinions be consistently ‘wrong’ and not worth hearing? Again, nope. You get the gist of what I’m trying to say. These messages from dysfunctional families to their scapegoated member(s) are ridiculous and without merit or sense. The truth of the matter is that we, as scapegoats, are chosen by a narcissistic parent or other toxic individual as a scapegoat, others are convinced to believe this to be the case in order to stay in line with the narcissist/toxic person, and then it becomes ‘the way it is’ so that the family unit can limp along with some form of consistency while ensuring the continued reign of a disordered leader. It has nothing to do with us or who we are and everything to do with our dysfunctional family of origin.

If we continue looking at these negative behaviors and messages from an unemotional standpoint and from a space of neutrality, we undoubtedly begin to see how this unfair family system operates. From there, we need to start trying to unravel the webs of this system that are within each of us as a result of this unjustified and abusive treatment. When we take action for ourselves and our well-being, it’s amazing how quickly we can become empowered with self-esteem, confidence, and the knowledge that we have every right to hold space in this world with our own opinions, beliefs and feelings. If we need help in the process, there are always resources available – counsellors, life coaches, online support groups, self-help books, etc.

Being scapegoated by one’s family is a challenging and unjustifiable experience, but we are all strong enough to save ourselves from a lifetime of being burdened by it. If we believe in ourselves, our rights, and a better future, and if we seek out help when needed, the sky’s the limit.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Don’t Let Fear Keep You Stuck

February 2, 2022 / / 0 Comments

My university courses are keeping me quite busy these days and yet the ideas for blog posts continue to flow. So, here we go!

One of the things that commonly holds people in a toxic romantic relationship is fear of change and of being alone. Many hold on to their current situation because they believe that starting over would be worse. Others may seek out new partners prior to leaving, in an effort to have a new relationship to run to, which generally won’t end well because we aren’t in the right place to make it work. That’s not fair to us or the new person we’ve escaped to.

Starting a new chapter can be an amazing opportunity, particularly when the last chapter involved abuse. And a new chapter started independently can be beneficial as well. Being on our own allows us to get to know ourselves, possibly in ways we had never experienced in the past. Once we get to know ourselves and grow into that knowledge, we will often find that there were patterns in our lives that led us down certain paths, some of which were undoubtedly not healthy for us. Time on our own can help us to build self-esteem and the clarity to spot red flags with new people who come into our lives so that we always have the tools to stand strong, put up boundaries, and protect ourselves from future harm.

An especially important part of leaving and then healing from any toxic relationship is a support system. However, many of us who have grown up in a dysfunctional family have learned that expressing emotions is not acceptable and we will often have been met with diminishing comments about how weak we are for having feelings, or maybe a flat-out refusal to even acknowledge that we are in a difficult emotional space. There’s also a good chance of being blamed for our situation, which is ironic, given that our choice of partners is typically a result of dysfunctional family experiences and belief systems handed down to us regarding the treatment we’re expected to accept from loved ones. If we’re allowed to speak of our troubles, we might also be ridiculed or have our experiences spewed out to any number of other people in the form of gossip. So the focus should be on finding a support system that we can lean on and trust. Maybe that’s an anonymous online forum or support group, a counsellor or coach, a trusted friend or family member; whoever it may be, it’s always beneficial to get our feelings out so that we can gain perspective and strength and begin healing. In the event that we aren’t yet ready to say any of it out loud or we haven’t yet found a safe space in which to do so, journaling can be helpful. Even if our feelings get written down and then we shred or burn the pages afterwards, the benefit comes from having expressed ourselves. Picture it as a form of release of negativity and hurt, helping us move forward.

Don’t be afraid of new chapters or going solo. Yes, it’s unnerving; the unknown can cause us to feel immense worry and concern. But just know that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. At the risk of sounding like a broken record from previous posts, make self-love and self-care priorities in your life. Find the courage to push forward to something better. We’re always stronger than we may give ourselves credit for. Find your support system in whatever form you feel safe with. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that new opportunities are around every corner. Eventually, you will find yourself in a better place, even if you need to fake it ’til you make it. Just don’t be deterred by fear of change or being on your own. As the saying goes, when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. Perspective is an amazing tool when we choose to utilize it.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Prioritize Yourself

January 15, 2022 / / 0 Comments

I have written posts on this subject in the past but I feel that it’s important enough to repeat. If you’ve been or are currently being damaged by a toxic individual, your most important priority should be healing and getting on with your life, and not the ‘why’s’ of that person’s behaviour. I see a lot of programs online with a major focus on the narcissist and asking questions about their thought processes when they cause damage to others. The truth is that narcissists and other toxic people are disordered and broken. Hurt people hurt people. It has nothing to do with who they hurt and everything to do with protecting their fragile egos. It really is that simple. Once we understand and accept this, our own healing should be at the forefront, along with making decisions about who is in our life and to what extent.

It’s easy and very common to get pulled into the habit of trying to analyze and understand the words and actions of someone who has caused us damage, especially when it’s someone we love. Another reaction is often a desire to help this person to see the error of their ways and how much pain they’ve caused us so that they can (hopefully) change for the better. Sadly, toxic people, narcissists in particular, rarely change, especially in any permanent, positive way. Improving themselves requires introspection, and their sensitive egos, with their need to always be right and superior, couldn’t possibly handle being wrong about anything. They need to make everyone else the scapegoat or the ‘bad guy’ because being accountable isn’t part of their vocabulary. In fact, any suggestion of them being responsible for negativity could very likely result in them lashing out even more.

So whether you will continue to have a toxic person in your life, or to go low or no contact with them, try to focus on protecting yourself from future damage and healing from the past. Honestly, the effort to understand a narcissist’s words/actions in any depth is a waste of precious time because, quite frankly, they have no depth. Their behaviour is always about one thing and one thing only: protecting their ego. They operate in this pattern in every relationship in their lives, from family to work to friendships to romantic partners to that stranger whose car they just backed into in a parking lot.

You deserve to heal and enjoy your life. Prioritize yourself. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. And make those tough decisions about who you allow in your life because that will set the tone for either peace or discontent. It’s your call. You have that power so use it wisely.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Coping with the Holidays

December 23, 2021 / / 0 Comments

So, it’s been a little while since I last had an opportunity to sit down and write. As I’ve posted in the past, I returned to university back in September in order to study psychology. So I’ve just finished up a multitude of assignments and midterm exams. The next term starts on January 10th, which gives me time to get caught up on a variety of items on my to-do list.

As the holidays are upon us, I wanted to touch on some tips for getting through in one piece, especially if a narcissist is involved. Maybe even more than one of them is a part of your life. Let me start by saying that you are not alone. There are many of us who are dealing with toxic family members and others in some way at this time of year. On the flip side, you might be low or no contact with those people and possibly feeling lost, lonely and down. Recognizing that others are going through what you are can lessen the challenging feelings that go along with these situations.

One great idea is to incorporate the JADE method into your interactions – Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Narcissists know how to push people’s buttons, including putting others on the defensive and feeling the need to justify their actions/words/life. Leave your emotions out of these interactions (grey rock method – little to no emotion) and recognize that someone is attempting to manipulate you because they have a need to diminish and control to feel good about themselves, and you won’t likely feel the need to JADE as often or even at all. It’s difficult to do initially but it gets easier with practice. And the bonus is that not only will you not get pulled into the drama but there’s a good chance that the person in question might just give up when they can’t get a rise out of you.

If you are alone over the holidays or missing special times that are no longer taking place, then consider making new traditions for yourself. And be sure to make time for self-care, whatever that may look like for you (exercise, bubble baths, spending time in nature or with pets, listening to music, reading, writing, etc.). Reach out to people that you trust, or chat with others in an online discussion group of your choice. Maybe it’s a group for adult children of toxic families or one that involves a hobby or topic of interest. Social connectedness can do wonders for our wellbeing, especially if it’s in a way that we feel comfortable and secure with.

That’s all for now. I’ll be back with new posts again very soon. Just try to remember that you are strong enough to get through anything from difficult people to temporary loneliness.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

A sad but true tale of a narcissistic grandmother

July 24, 2021 / / 0 Comments

This is a situation I knew of many years ago. And it’s a cautionary tale for anyone who has children who will be interacting with an individual who is a potentially narcissistic grandparent to their children.

This particular individual (I’ll call her Darleen) set out to ‘steal’ her first grandchild in the child’s earliest days. She started out by convincing her daughter-in-law (I’ll call her Rachel) that her milk supplies were insufficient for the baby for breastfeeding (this was never corroborated by a doctor) and that bottle-feeding formula would be the best option. Sadly, trusting in Darleen, Rachel was quickly convinced of this narrative and went along with it. Darleen saw this as a way that the child could easily be fed while alone with her, making Rachel less necessary in her mind. When the child developed an ear infection, Darleen convinced Rachel to leave the child with her until such time as they were well again, which turned into many weeks. And so it all began.

Not long after, Darleen began to launch a quiet campaign to split up her son, let’s call him Larry, and Rachel’s marriage in an effort to not only keep control of her son but to lessen her daughter-in-law’s influence and involvement in her own child’s life. This wasn’t too difficult of a task because Larry, who alternated between being abused by his mother and also acting like a narcissist himself, was already having an affair with a coworker. At the urging of Darleen, Larry ultimately set out to regularly confuse and manipulate Rachel and then told her he no longer loved her, which, not surprisingly, took her to the point that she was considering taking her own life. At that stage, he had her involuntarily taken to the psychiatric ward of the local hospital “for her own safety and the safety of the child”. While she was recovering in the hospital, he and his mother, together with their lawyer, applied for and had custody of his child given solely to him (read that as essentially Darleen brought the child to live with her because Rachel’s family lived a distance away). Upon the wife’s release, she had to hire a lawyer and enter into a battle to prove that she was stable in order to obtain joint custody of her daughter, and then eventually went through a brutal divorce that left her bankrupt due to some corrupt dealings of Larry’s that she was completely unaware of.

As this child grew up with Darleen as the center of her universe, they were very susceptible to the negative messaging that Darleen constantly conveyed to them about their parents. Darleen, as a narcissist who loves to have minions to worship them, wanted to put up walls between her grandchild and their own parents. And, sadly, she was quite successful in doing so. The child had ongoing battles with both parents (and future stepparents) that led to depression, anxiety, lack of identity, confusion, dropping out of school at 16 and never finishing her education, and so on. This child’s own grandmother, in attempting to be in control and ensure that the child idolized her, did nothing but create chaos and pain in the life of her grandchild. And, believe it or not, Darleen, wanting to keep control of her daughter-in-law as well as maintain a flow of information from her about the child, in addition to ensuring continued access to her grandchild, managed to convince her that all of the suffering with the custody battle and divorce was solely caused by her son, even speaking ill of him often to make it seem more likely. In doing so, Rachel still believed Darleen to be her friend and support system years after the divorce, and she therefore continued to allow her child to spend massive amounts of time alone with Darleen. This way, Darleen could continue to control and have access to both her grandchild and ex-daughter-in-law, all while looking like a saint. Rachel was eventually clued in to Darleen’s real persona and broke ties with her, but not before years of damage had been done.

Years later, Darleen attempted to ‘steal’ the child that her son and his second wife had together as well. Fortunately, the mother was aware of what was happening and took steps to protect the child. So then, as before, the grandmother set out to manipulate her son and, once again, hoped to cause her son’s marriage to implode so that she could continue to control him and also have an opportunity to lock in another minion with her newest grandchild. However, the daughter-in-law recognized what was happening and was able to fend off those attempts as well. Eventually, narcissistic grandma gave up and put all of her energy back into her first grandchild. Believe it or not, these are just a few of the things this woman has done over the years.

And, yes, as extreme as this all sounds, every bit of this story is factual. Narcissists will go to great lengths to manipulate people, including their own family members, in order to get their way. And they believe that the damage their actions create, even involving those they claim to love, is simply a necessary step in their overall plan (aka need to control and be worshiped to feed their fragile ego) and they feel no empathy or accountability for any of it.

So, if you have children and they will be involved with a family member that you believe may be narcissistic, consider taking steps to protect your child from the potential of being damaged by that person. In doing so, you will be sparing your child from the possibility of great harm and you will also be playing a part in ending or weakening the negative cycle of generational family narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Awareness and taking action when necessary are both key in these situations.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

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