For many of us – whether we are no contact, low contact, or still involved with our family of origin – witnessing or hearing about a narcissist abusing their enabler will be a common theme. This could be parents, grandparents, siblings in unhealthy relationships, etc. When we make choices to protect ourselves from narcissistic abuse, we may also lose our connection with the enabler. It can feel like a double-whammy and a huge loss. Although enablers can often seem like accessories to the behaviour of narcissists, let’s take a look at things from their perspective.
Enabling personalities will justify or indirectly support the often harmful behaviour of narcissists. In most cases, this is unintentional. It could be the result of the enabler having been raised in a toxic family and feeling that the dynamics are ‘normal’ in adulthood. And the other main reason can be that the enabler is also narcissistically abused by their partner. This typically rotates with special treatment in order for the narcissist to keep the enabler hooked. In essence, though, going along with the narcissist creates the least amount of suffering for the enabler. It’s not right or fair to anyone involved, particularly scapegoated children of any age, but it’s typically the best way for enablers to keep some semblance of peace in their lives. While we may have high expectations of our parents, they are only human in the end.
So while looking at an enabler from the perspective of also being a target of the narcissist can sometimes be a difficult task, it can also be helpful for scapegoats to be aware of it, even if just to understand that their seemingly complicit behaviour isn’t personal against us. This is definitely not an excuse for their being an often unwitting accessory to toxic actions, or at the very least a silent onlooker, but it’s a valid explanation. Enablers are essentially programmed to go along with dysfunction. In my experience and in hearing the experiences of many others, enablers suffer, too. I’ve heard stories of enablers facing health challenges and being met with a ‘partner’ (using that term lightly) who has zero empathy, care, or concern. In fact, the narcissist may even complain about how these health issues are inconvenient for them. Despite the enabler’s loyalty to this person, they rarely or never see any reciprocation. Narcissists cause suffering for everyone around them, unless we find ways to distance ourselves from them. And when we do take steps to protect ourselves, we may then be witness to ongoing abuse against enablers. We may even wish we could rescue them. But, unfortunately, protecting ourselves against narcissistic people is a personal decision that needs to happen for each of us independently. And trying to force anything can bring down a bigger storm of abuse on enablers.
Although any kind of ties with narcissists are never just, uncomplicated, or painless, it’s helpful to lessen the sting if we don’t view an enabler as part of a ‘team’ working against us with a toxic family member. In many cases, as I’ve mentioned, enablers have grown up in abusive families, only to wind up with more abusers due to the patterns of dysfunction that they think are normal and familiar. It’s sad, really.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
Above all else, toxic families present the ultimate betrayal. They leave members, particularly scapegoats, feeling unloved, insignificant, alone, abused, confused, bullied, useless, responsible for all that is wrong in the family, and flawed beyond hope. And then all of these feelings and beliefs, based on the type of ‘love’ (which is not love at all) experienced in this family system, set members up to be at high risk for winding up in other toxic relationships as adults.
