Hello, everyone!
I wanted to write a bit about enabling parents and the two sides that we might see with them. There’s one side that they need to stay in character with when they are around their narcissistic partner, and there’s the other side that represents who they truly are. By that, I mean the real person that this individual is when not being controlled and overseen by their toxic mate.
What many of us may see, while the narcissist is present, is a parent who behaves in meek, mild, passive, obedient, and often child-like ways, as well as seeming that they don’t have a mind of their own. They also tend to go along with their partner, against us, often without so much as asking our perspective or possibly even considering that we have a different perspective. We may hear things like “Don’t let me hear you talking to your mother/father like that” or “Don’t talk back” or “Do as you’re told”, even when we’re teenagers, or even adults. Decisions are deferred to, and all attention is spotlighted on, the narcissist. This typically means that any children in the vicinity are all but ignored, except to blame and criticize, as though their presence is significantly lesser in comparison to the person whose ego needs constant stroking. I mean, it all makes sense, as sad as it is. Narcissists use tactics like the silent treatment, guilting, or raging out on their partners when they don’t get the full attention they want/need for their fragile ego. So the only way that enabling parents can keep some semblance of, albeit, weak peace in their lives is to make their narcissistic partner the center of the universe and fulfill their every selfish whim.
However, on those rare occasions when the non-toxic parent is away from the other parent (narcissists don’t like to let their enablers out of their sight), we may see full glimpses of their true selves. In fact, they may seem like an entirely different person. It can feel like a breath of fresh air to witness it. In my experiences and those I have heard from others, the enabling parent may suddenly seem much more confident, happy, caring, interested in you/your life, sociable, carefree, and quite willing to make decisions for themselves. I’ve even seen physical changes take place, like standing up taller as opposed to slouching, and marked, positive changes in body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. As nice as it is to see a parent as they are, even for a few moments, it’s incredibly heartbreaking to realize the full scope of the life (using that term loosely in this case) they lead with their partner. Yes, as children of narcissists, we have our own set of difficult circumstances and feel a need to cover up our authentic selves in the presence of our disordered parent. There’s no doubt about it. And it’s incredibly painful to feel unprotected and cast aside by an enabling parent. But it doesn’t make it any less difficult to see an enabling parent who may also be suffering and living as someone other than who they are, just to maintain some small fragment of peace.
It’s a crime that narcissists, using their manipulative and deceptive behaviours, are able to cause those around them to retreat into shells of their true selves and not live the full lives they are meant to live, children and partners alike. Obviously there can be exceptions to this, like families with two narcissistic parents, or an enabling parent who sometimes takes a stand for themselves and even for their children. Overall, though, rather than being what a family should be, life with narcissists can often be compared to a prison, with a warden who calls all the shots and creates a system that benefits them and them alone.
There are ways to heal from narcissists. There is hope. We need to educate ourselves – on narcissism, on boundaries, on low- and no-contact, on healing ourselves, etc. – and empower ourselves. Natural Clarity Coaching is a useful support system, as are many other resources. No one needs to be alone when grappling with these circumstances.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
It’s quite the grand cover-up that narcissists create for themselves at the expense of others. So, when it looks like they have everything locked up and have left us no way out, how do we escape it? The biggest step is awareness. Just being conscious of how this disordered system works is more than half the battle. Beyond that, we have numerous options. We can go low- or no-contact with the abusive individual and their enablers. This can be challenging, whether it’s within a workplace, family, or other type of relationship. It may mean taking steps that are outside of our comfort zone. But we are never trapped unless we allow ourselves to believe that we are. There are paths out of the lair. We just need to see them and be willing to take the steps. That may mean walking away from or creating strong boundaries within family or relationships, asking for shift or department changes at work, or maybe even finding a new job with a healthy environment.
