For those of us who were raised by narcissists, there are some very common challenges that may rear their ugly heads when we are adults. Here are just a few: 1. Depression and anxiety; 2. Low self-esteem; 3. Trust and abandonment issues; 4. Feeling unworthy of love and respect;5. Downplaying accomplishments; 6. Finding yourself in recurring dysfunctional, destructive relationships; 7. Low or no self-care.
These are just some of the possible outcomes resulting from a childhood with narcissistic parents or role models. Obviously, because we are all individuals, the specific results will be unique. For the majority of us, it takes many years to recognize and then accept the damage that has been done on so many levels. In all honesty, some people never recognize it for what it is and, subsequently, go through their entire lives suffering. It doesn’t have to be this way, and this is one of the many reasons that I have dedicated myself to helping others in the realm of narcissistic abuse awareness and recovery.
My primary recommendation, whether a person has just an inkling of a feeling that something was/is ‘off’ in their family of origin or relationship(s), or if they have a massive “a-ha” moment of realization and see the damage within themselves, is to seek out support. Forums, support groups, therapists/psychologists/counsellors who are knowledgeable in narcissistic abuse and treatment, narcissistic abuse recovery coaches such as myself, friends who understand … whatever supportive resources you can locate for yourself, just do it. Having support is absolutely key in journeying through narcissistic abuse awareness, acceptance and recovery, particularly in the early stages.
In addition to support, it is imperative, beyond educating yourself about narcissism (fragile egos and disordered individuals) so that you understand what happened and why, to shine the spotlight on your recovery. Be patient with yourself, take the time you need to make your way through the process, look after yourself on all levels – mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. You need to make yourself strong for this journey. I can’t emphasize enough just how important this is. Invest in your recovery because it will serve you well in the future. In fact, it will more than likely change your life for the better in ways you never imagined!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Music has always been a big part of my life. Listening to it, performing it on the piano, composing it.
From a very young age, the piano became one of my best friends. Happy times, sad times and everything in between, it was always there for me. Playing the piano is definitely cathartic for me. I inevitably feel more positive both during and after engaging with those 88 keys, whether I play for 5 minutes or 60.
Beyond being a musician myself, I have also always loved listening to music. It has the ability to affect me on so many levels. I can just as easily appreciate a Chopin piano concerto as I can a song in the Top 40 charts (or pretty much anything in between).
Having something to engage in that you enjoy and are maybe even passionate about can have amazingly beneficial effects on your life. If you already know what that is, try to hang onto it. Even make some additions of new ones if you want. We can never have too many things in our lives that bring us happiness. If you haven’t yet discovered something that fulfills you and creates a fairly consistent positive space in your life, maybe it’s time to start looking.
When we need a quick pick-me-up, DIY therapy in any form can be helpful. It could be a hobby of some kind. Maybe it’s taking up a new recreational activity, sitting down to read a book or registering for an online course. Even if it’s simply self-care in the form of a bubble bath or a walk, or just taking a few minutes to do a crossword puzzle – whatever it may be, if it brings you some positivity, makes you feel better and/or creates some much-needed relaxation (whatever it is that you need in the moment), do that.
It helps to have something that brings us joy on some level and gives us a safe place to turn when we need it. This is also a great way to stay in touch with ourselves (especially if we happen to be in any type of relationship with a narcissistically-inclined individual). What that activity is, is a matter of personal choice. The end goal is the same for all of us – make sure to take the time to do something that makes us feel good. So, what’s your DIY therapy? 🙂
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Triangulation is an all-time favourite tactic of many people with narcissistic tendencies. Divide and conquer. Control and manipulate for the benefit of ego. Simple yet effective.
In the family environment, a narcissist will often take the positive and negative parts of their own self-image and project them onto their children. If there are two siblings, one will become the golden child and will have all of the positive traits piled onto them. No matter what they do, they can do no wrong in the eyes of the dysfunctional parent. As for the negative traits, they will be bestowed upon the scapegoat child, who will be viewed as doing everything wrong no matter how hard they try. In a family with only one child, the narcissistic parent may at times go back and forth between the positive and negative as it is placed on this individual. Or the child may always be either all good or all bad. Where more than two children are part of the family, these dynamics can stretch to all of them at times. Going back to the case of two siblings, the narcissistic parent will regularly compare the two children and play them against each other, touting the virtues of the golden child while heavily criticizing the scapegoat child. Many times, the siblings will end up disliking one another because they are constantly being compared. In the end, what the parent wants is the drama and attention. The golden child will adore them for always giving unending amounts of praise, while the scapegoated child will likely spend much time trying to please the parent to no avail. The narcissist controls the entire narrative with manipulation. Trusting that their parent would never do them harm and that this is ‘normal’ behaviour within a family, along with being too afraid to discuss it if they did indeed notice it, the children are typically unaware of what is truly happening. This does much damage to relationships and the wellbeing of the entire family. There are also cases where the narcissist will triangulate a child with the other parent or extended family members.
This dynamic also often plays out in romantic relationships. A narcissistic partner will suddenly begin to overtly show interest in another person and will subtly (or sometimes not-so-subtly) compare their current partner with the outsider. This leads to insecurities for the partner. The narcissist will also do the same to the new person but typically on the basis of complaining about how terrible their current partner treats them, etc., leaving them feeling as though they need to fight for the narcissist and save them from the clutches of this cruel abuser. This is also an easy way for the narcissist to send messages to one person through another, without directly addressing the first person. For example, the new person may send a cruel text to the current partner, telling them something unkind (which is based on lies that they are oblivious to), while thinking that they’re defending the narcissist (who is portraying themselves as a hapless victim) against damage. These two people, the current and new partners, will generally have little or no contact with one another (often complete strangers), which leaves the situation entirely in the control of the narcissist. Why would someone do this? It gives them power, control, drama, and the attention they seek to feed their fragile ego. Eventually, they will tire of the game and will then typically discard one of the love interests. Whoever ‘wins’ the prize of the narcissist will no doubt be drawn into future triangulations, maybe even being discarded at some point. It’s a never-ending cycle. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies are never content and are always looking for whatever or whoever they think will better suit their needs.
Narcissists will use triangulation in a variety of situations (school, workplace, social groups, etc.) but the above scenarios are the most common. This tactic allows them to manipulate and control others for the benefit of their own dysfunction and ego. Does a narcissist realize what they are doing? Possibly. But in the end, it serves to fulfill their strong and constant need for ego-stroking and drama, which is most important to them. They can callously turn two people against one another while drawing what they feel is much-needed attention for themselves in order to feed and protect their sensitive ego.
If you find yourself being triangulated, the best course of action is to remove yourself from it in any way possible and remind yourself that none of it is truly about you. No one needs to be a pawn in a disordered person’s twisted games. The potential consequences are too severe – self-esteem issues, eventual trauma, broken relationships, trust issues and so on. When we refuse to play the game, we are protecting ourselves from harm. No matter what message a manipulative person may try to convey to you, no one deserves to be the victim of triangulation.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Many tactics regularly implemented by narcissists involve the use of words. They use words to manipulate, deceive, belittle, confuse, make accusations and so on. Bottom line: narcissists use words to control others. When words don’t work for them, they will often flip the situation to that of the silent treatment. But that’s another post altogether.
If it is necessary to deal with a narcissist, a major defence for protection against their twisted use of words is to keep what they say in perspective in order to avoid being damaged or manipulated. Hold this in mind: They’re Just Words. Plus, these words are typically coming from someone who is disordered and protecting their excessively fragile ego. Also, in order for those words to hurt, manipulate, belittle, or confuse us, we have to first allow it. But if we always keep in mind that they’re just words being tossed out at us as a narcissistic tactic, it makes it much easier not to take any of it personally or be drawn into the web. This definitely takes practice but it’s very possible to master it.
At the very root of interactions with narcissists, it is most beneficial to implement our own countertactics to help to keep our wellbeing intact. Engaging with a narcissist rarely leads to positive outcomes. Sometimes it’s not possible to avoid narcissistic individuals. So, TJW (they’re just words) is always there for us to put into play as a protective barrier.
So, the next time you are interacting with a narcissistic individual, take a deep breath, remember your own strength and power, and put all of their nonsense into the TJW rubbish pile where it belongs.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching at Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
So, first of all, in psychology terms, projection refers to taking one’s own feelings, beliefs and/or insecurities and projecting/placing them onto someone else. Let’s say, for example, I’m feeling anxious about something. I may then approach my friend, who at that moment is free of anxiety, and talk to her as though she’s the one who is anxious, which may, as an aside, actually make her feel anxious. If I can convince myself that my friend is actually the anxious one in the scenario, it might just lighten or entirely remove the intensity of it for me. This is typically an activity, unaware as we may be of it, that we all do from time to time.
When used by narcissists, projection becomes somewhat of a weapon. And they use it on a very regular, albeit typically subconscious, basis. Narcissistic individuals base their entire self-worth on how they are perceived by others. In order to protect their fragile egos, the disordered will deny any shortcomings, usually by shifting the blame (projecting) for any issues onto, as well as devaluing, others. If it’s a romantic relationship and they happen to be unfaithful to their partner, suddenly they treat their partner as the one who has strayed. Or the narcissist in any type of relationship or situation may use projection by claiming that you are abusive to them (aka they are the “victim”) when, in fact, it is quite the opposite. Classic narcissistic behaviour using projection.
So, what approach is useful for dealing with narcissistic projection? As set out in my previous blog post on smear campaigns (the often culminating event of projection), silence tends to work well as a response and as a strong boundary. That means avoiding JED; justifying, explaining, defending. Narcissists literally count on their victims to JED so that they can further their agenda of playing the victim and take the heat off of their own shortcomings that they can’t bear to look at. They feed on the responses to their projection behaviour. If circumstances do not allow for silence as a reaction to projection, try to say as little as you need to and without JED-ing or pointing fingers in the process. Stick to the facts and leave emotion out of it as much as is humanly possible.
Above all else, check in with yourself when you feel that you’ve been accused of or made to feel responsible for something (feelings, behaviour, etc.) that isn’t yours. Recognize that projection is a very real and common occurrence and that you don’t need to ‘own’ anyone else’s issues, especially those who are in the narcissistic category. At the very foundation of it, narcissists cannot face any shortcomings in themselves – it goes against everything they constantly do to protect their sensitive egos – and they will go to any length to deflect it onto others. Do your best not to be drawn into their maneuvers and you can be assured of much less narcissistic drama in your life together with freedom from battles that aren’t yours to fight.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Many of us have been experiencing the intricacies and complexities of working from home due to the global COVID-19 pandemic, some of us for the first time ever. Although remote work has many benefits, it also comes with its fair share of challenges.
Sometimes those challenges come in the form of cramped office quarters, ergonomic issues, trying to find a quiet space, internet connectivity problems (typically during virtual office meetings!), working longer hours, and so on.
Self-care is always a great tool when stress and tension abound in our lives. In terms of working remotely, taking regular breaks to stretch or go for a short walk can be beneficial. Daily work routines that include some downtime, no matter how brief, can make for improved mood and less anxiety. Ensuring that the ergonomics of your workspace are to your liking can make a huge difference to your physical wellbeing. Sometimes it’s difficult to carve out a quiet place so it may be necessary to create some household rules about volume levels during working hours. It’s also quite easy to end up working extra time while stationed at home. Keep an eye on the clock in terms of your scheduled time and try not to make burning the midnight oil a habit. Insufficient sleepcan lead to mood and productivity issues so it’s best to avoid that at all costs. If getting to sleep becomes an issue, consider trying deep breathing techniques (see my previous blog post), aromatherapy or listening to bilateral music or wave sounds, to name a few great options.
Overall, reframing your work life to include a remote situation requires a change in perspective. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Do what works for you. Being mindful of how you feel about certain work-from-home situations can also open your thoughts to potential adjustments that would be welcome improvements.
Regardless of your situation, self-care is important on so many levels. Make sure to include time to take care of yourself every day.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www. naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
