As I sit down to write this post here in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, I’m looking out at several inches of newly fallen snow (after a day of rain) with hope that the police and protestors involved in the Freedom Convoy in the downtown core will interact as peacefully as possible. After three weeks of trucks and protestors occupying the city center, it’s difficult to guess what the final results of the ramped up police efforts of yesterday and today will ultimately be.
On to today’s post. For anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, many of which have a narcissist at the helm, the feeling of being wrong all the time is a familiar one, particularly when it comes to emotions and opinions. We were, as children, and may still be as adults, often told what to feel or what not to feel, that our opinions and beliefs are incorrect unless they fit with a certain description, and typically that we are at fault for anything considered to be an issue within the family unit. Many of us will have been asked the question, “what did you do?” at every turn. It isn’t uncommon to be told that we’ve been the main problem within the family since we came into the world. Yes, indeed, as newborn babies we were a ‘problem’ and that trend apparently just continued throughout our lives. Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn’t it? And yet that’s what many dysfunctional families, particularly those with narcissists, would have us, the scapegoats, believe. Why? Because that way the person or people who are actually the ongoing troublemaker(s) and their loyal followers can avoid accountability or any need to look at themselves or change their toxic behavior. As long as there’s someone else to constantly put the blame on, they can continue with their dysfunctional ways.
Where does a lifetime of being told we’re wrong and always at fault tend to lead us? Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, accepting unjustified blame from other toxic people who may come into our lives, believing that everything that goes wrong around us must have been caused by us in some way, and an overall feeling that our opinions and beliefs are quite simply wrong or that we don’t have a right to speak up or be heard.
Here’s the truth of the matter: we aren’t wrong any more than anyone else is; we don’t have to accept the blame or take accountability for things we didn’t say or do; we have a right to our opinions and beliefs, whether or not they fit with those of other people, and to be heard when we choose to speak up. We shouldn’t be robbed of the benefits of confidence and self-esteem simply because making ourselves small and accepting blame allows a narcissist to keep up their facade and to manipulate and control us and others in our environment. Yes, there will always be ‘flying monkeys’ who will go along with toxic people in their campaigns against us. That doesn’t make them right and us wrong, though. It’s simply the way this type of dysfunctional system operates.
We can live our lives fully and feel good about ourselves in spite of the messages conveyed to us as children and onward through our lives. The fact of the matter is that those messages of constant blame and shame are what is wrong. No one should be made to feel like a black sheep and scapegoated at every turn, especially when the main agenda at play is to maintain and strengthen the role of a narcissist or other toxic individual.
How do we defend ourselves against these messages or undo the results of years of finger-pointing? Take a step back and really consider these messages from an unemotional and neutral space. For example, could a person have been a ‘problem’ in their family of origin from the moment of their birth? Nope. Could anyone always be ‘at fault’ and ‘wrong’, creating all problems within a family in every moment of every day? Nope. Could one person’s opinions be consistently ‘wrong’ and not worth hearing? Again, nope. You get the gist of what I’m trying to say. These messages from dysfunctional families to their scapegoated member(s) are ridiculous and without merit or sense. The truth of the matter is that we, as scapegoats, are chosen by a narcissistic parent or other toxic individual as a scapegoat, others are convinced to believe this to be the case in order to stay in line with the narcissist/toxic person, and then it becomes ‘the way it is’ so that the family unit can limp along with some form of consistency while ensuring the continued reign of a disordered leader. It has nothing to do with us or who we are and everything to do with our dysfunctional family of origin.
If we continue looking at these negative behaviors and messages from an unemotional standpoint and from a space of neutrality, we undoubtedly begin to see how this unfair family system operates. From there, we need to start trying to unravel the webs of this system that are within each of us as a result of this unjustified and abusive treatment. When we take action for ourselves and our well-being, it’s amazing how quickly we can become empowered with self-esteem, confidence, and the knowledge that we have every right to hold space in this world with our own opinions, beliefs and feelings. If we need help in the process, there are always resources available – counsellors, life coaches, online support groups, self-help books, etc.
Being scapegoated by one’s family is a challenging and unjustifiable experience, but we are all strong enough to save ourselves from a lifetime of being burdened by it. If we believe in ourselves, our rights, and a better future, and if we seek out help when needed, the sky’s the limit.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com
