Tag: red flags (Page 8 of 9)
In this age of technology, we have the ability to instantly find information on virtually anything and anyone. Although we need to exercise discretion in what we choose to believe of what we see and read online, there’s no doubt that there are all kinds of self-help resources to be found with a simple search.
So, have you checked out the new, free course that is available here at Natural Clarity Coaching? On the main page, open the menu (three white lines below the header) and select ‘Free Mini-Courses’. The current freebie is about the basics of narcissistic personality disorder, and there are more to come on a variety of topics.
How about the new course under the ‘Shop Online Courses’ tab? That one’s on intuition and red flag awareness. It’s $19.99 (U.S.) but I feel a sale coming on! And there are more courses coming in the near future.
What I can tell you about the courses at Natural Clarity Coaching is that they are created with a backing of not only personal experience and ongoing post-secondary education in psychology and trauma, but with genuine empathy and a desire to help others in difficult times. And the focus of these courses isn’t “what’s wrong with this person who hurt me” (although this is touched on for understanding of the topic), but, rather, a roadmap that moves from learning to healing, growing, and thriving.
That’s all for now! If you check out any of the courses, enjoy! And check back often because there’s plenty more to come. Oh, and these blogs are always available 24/7!!
Until next time,
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching
www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com
Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and TikTok
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours
This free mini-course touches on the basics of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Optimal viewing is full screen (button in bottom right-hand corner of slideshow below).
Click on each slide to move to the next or use left-right arrow keys . Use ‘escape’ to leave the full screen mode.
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching
Check out the Introduction section of my new, self-paced course offering, ‘Using Intuition and Red Flags to Avoid Toxic Behaviour‘. This will give you a bit of a taste of what the course has to offer. Then, if you’re interested in purchasing it, simply click on the ‘Shop Online Courses’ tab on the main menu. That will take you to the course purchase options.
Just a note – to watch the preview, it is recommended that you open it up to full screen by hovering over the box below and selecting the button in the bottom right-hand corner. To move from slide to slide, click on the slide show or use left-right arrow keys.
If you decide to purchase this course, enjoy! There are more on the way in the near future.
Heather
~Natural Clarity Coaching~
na********************@***il.com
Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Tiktok
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours
Hi All!
Just posting to let you know that there is a new course available for purchase from Natural Clarity Coaching – Using Intuition and Red Flag Awareness to Avoid Toxic Behaviour. The focus is on intuition – how it works, ways to access it, and the benefits it can create – and how to develop a strong awareness of some of the most common red flags. Next, the course delves into how using intuition and red flag awareness as a dynamic duo can provide empowerment and act as a guide to avoid toxic behaviours in our daily lives.
This affordable course is set out in a dynamic slideshow format that is self-paced and easy to follow.
If you are interested, please follow this link for the shop area of Natural Clarity Coaching: https://naturalclaritycoaching.com/product/course-using-intuition-and-awareness-of-red-flags-to-avoid-toxic-behaviour/ or simply click on the ‘Shop Online Courses’ menu on the home page.
Purchases are safely processed by WooCommerce, and the courses have lifetime availability.
Enjoy!
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn
“Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.” ~ Gabor Mate
With trauma of any kind, a mark is left not only on the mind, but also on the body. The memory of trauma becomes stored in the body as well as the nervous system. This can then lead to both psychological and physiological symptoms which can be overwhelming and fatiguing, as in PTSD and C-PTSD. In turn, emotional and physical exhaustion are common results.
If we’re looking at some of the specific symptoms, they can manifest as:
- Anxiety, depression, dissociation
- Triggers
- Flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty sleeping
- Paranoia
- Hypervigilance
- Migraines
- Chronic pain
When experiencing a traumatic event, our body is triggered to fight, flee, or fawn (trying to please someone to avoid conflict). This comes from within the sympathetic nervous system (connects internal organs to the brain by spinal nerves), and is considered an acute response to stress. While this reaction is a human survival reaction in the form of heightened arousal, when this happens regularly – even in the form of triggers from past trauma – it becomes challenging to return to a regulated and calm state.
There are many ways to counteract stored trauma and rebalance our nervous system, such as body-based therapies. These include trauma-informed yoga, somatic therapy (connecting mind and body), and other methods to establish calm, regulation, and feelings of safety.
If you are interested in delving further into this topic, here is a link to a page with a great book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., as well as workbooks to complement the reading of the book: https://amzn.to/3Pym8l1
Until next time,
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *
Hey there! So I thought it might be beneficial to go over dysfunctional and toxic family systems, such as is found with narcissists. This is a topic I’ve written about in the past, but I’m aware that there are always people coming to the blog who are in the beginning stages of trying to understand their situation.
Typically, there will be one narcissist at the helm of a family. Occasionally there will be two, but that’s a rarity. Why? Because narcissists generally gravitate towards partners who will make them the center of attention, and two narcissists couldn’t realistically supply each other with all of that ego-stroking. They want their ego stroked, and they aren’t interested in authentically doing that for anyone else. So partners of narcissists tend to be what is described as enablers. These individuals don’t take a stand for themselves or any children they may have with the narcissist. And they spend the majority of their time attempting to keep the peace and ensure that the narcissist is happy — at any cost. Enabling behaviour may also involve spending as little time at home as possible, leaving children entirely alone with the narcissist parent.
Next, in any narcissistic family there needs to be a scapegoat or black sheep amongst their children. In some cases, there’s more than one scapegoat. Scapegoats are chosen by the narcissist at birth or a young age (for any number of ridiculous reasons from gender to intelligence, physical traits, personality, and so on) and, at the urging of the narcissist parent, are blamed for everything by everyone in the family, including by their golden child sibling(s). There are many stories of scapegoats being told they have been the problem in their family since they were born! I know…it makes absolutely no sense, but that’s the way this dysfunctional system operates.
Golden child was made mention of in the previous paragraph. This child is also chosen by the narcissist, but for entirely different reasons than the scapegoat (yet it’s typically as senseless as the reasons behind the narcissist’s choice of a scapegoat). This golden child can do no wrong, ever. They are viewed as perfection itself by the narcissistic parent. The perfect baby, the smartest and funniest child, the most attractive teenager — you get the picture. And this adoration continues into adulthood for the golden child, while the scapegoat is unable to cast off their negative label no matter what they’ve accomplished in life.
The narcissistic family system requires everyone to play their assigned roles. The narcissist has all of the power and control over the family. The enabling parent needs to supply the narcissist with ongoing support, ego-stroking, and undying love. These enabling parents will throw their scapegoat child(ren) to the wolves time and again if it means keeping the peace between themselves and their narcissist partner. And this is because not only have they been told over and over again how ‘fill-in-the-blank-with-a-negative-word’ the scapegoat is, to the point that it’s simply accepted as fact, but if they don’t go along with the narcissist, their life is made miserable by narcissistic abuse. It is rare for an enabling parent to defend a scapegoat child for those very reasons. The golden child receives never-ending praise and is a source of great pride for the narcissist parent. And the scapegoat is the one who can never do anything right and is constantly having fingers pointed at them as the cause of all issues within the family (even though they probably haven’t done anything, or anything worth such berating).
From within this system, it’s easy for scapegoats to find themselves in other abusive relationships as they get older. When you’re told you’re always in the wrong and to blame for everyone’s problems, it’s easy to feel like that’s ‘normal’. It can be said that scapegoats often gravitate towards toxic people, and the reverse is also true. Toxic people need others to abuse and control, while scapegoats have been conditioned to follow orders and accept whatever is dished out to them. It’s an unfortunate but ideal pairing.
But once we see it — the abusive behaviour, controlling, gaslighting, unfairness — it’s difficult to un-see it. And although it’s common to feel stuck, there are ways out of this role and, if we choose, out of these relationships. Boundaries, low contact, no contact, etc. To start, though, we can begin to heal by empowering ourselves and recognizing our value. There are posts about all of this within the Natural Clarity Coaching blog pages, and there will be more to come. Because it’s all about empowerment and healing. Feel free to drop in and read posts at any time. They were written to empower, support, and give hope.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *
As I’ve been working on my university summer term courses, a lot of great post ideas have popped into my mind. So, I’ll try to get them into writing sooner rather than later whenever I have an opportunity.
Many of us who have grown up in dysfunctional families with a narcissist at the helm, or have been involved with friends or romantic partners who have narcissistic tendencies, may, at some point, look back at the red flags that we bulldozed over in the past. We typically see them clearly in hindsight, but at that point in time when they originally appeared, we will quite likely have run them over with great gusto and without so much as a second conscious thought. Is it that we don’t want to see them? Or do we spin them into something more positive and palatable than some pesky cautionary warning so that they’re more acceptable to us for the time being? Or are we maybe so caught up in avoiding conflict or losing a relationship that we do what we need to in the moment to squash those red flags like bugs?
Whatever coping technique we use, they all have the same effect: we can move on, quite possibly with our heads essentially in the sand, and maintain the status quo or give that toxic person just one more chance. Maybe this time they’ll see the light and change for the better?! Or just maybe we were too sensitive (gah – don’t narcissists love to put that label on us when we call them out?!) or misunderstood what they said or did and it was a simple mistake on our part?! Maybe…maybe…maybe. We ‘maybe’ ourselves into more hurt every time.
The truth of the matter is that narcissists rarely change. I don’t want to say ‘never change’ because … well, I try to avoid absolutes like ‘never’ or ‘always’. It’s too easy to use those words when you grew up listening to them or heard them often in a toxic relationship. Let’s just say that chances are that most narcissists won’t change because it requires insight and accountability that just doesn’t come easily to them. Once again, their fragile egos don’t allow for being ‘wrong’.
So if we want to possibly avoid the hurt and damage that goes along with relationships with narcissists, we need to do ourselves a favour and quit obliterating those red flags once and for all. Stop driving the bulldozer, take off the rose-colored glasses, and acknowledge when someone regularly behaves in a damaging way that we know isn’t loving and kind. We need to look at people realistically and rationally, call a spade a spade, and then decide how to deal with the situation with our best interests at heart. If we have children in the mix, our best interests and theirs are intermingled. Forget about keeping the peace, or being the ‘nice’ person in order to continue a negative relationship, or sticking around because of fear of ending up alone. Bottom line, if something someone says or does causes us pain, that behaviour needs to be looked at honestly, and it needs to happen asap. No excuses, no giving it time, no burying it. In the name of self-care and love for ourselves, those red flags need to be dealt with. If that means confronting someone, then so be it. If it entails ending a relationship or going low contact, that needs to happen. Sometimes we’ll need help to take action, and that’s when we should reach out to trusted people for whatever help we need. We have the right to protect ourselves, regardless of what disordered people may try to make us believe. If we wouldn’t stand back and watch our sister, mother, daughter, brother, father, son, other loved ones, or friends be treated the way that someone is treating us, then we need to grant ourselves that same love, protection, and respect.
See those red flags and take action. We owe it to ourselves to stop careening over them and looking the other way. I can’t stress enough that, in the end, we will pay a price for our acceptance of toxic behaviour and our choice of inaction (and, yes, inaction is still a choice).
We.are.all.deserving.of.respect.and.love.and.kindness. 🙂
Until next time,
Heather
~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
Before I get to my post, I wanted to welcome all of the new visitors to this website. The analytics for the site are revealing a growing audience that is increasingly global in nature. Welcome to all of you! Posts have been fewer and farther between recently due to my return to university. I’m taking several courses, one of which is psychology, and am currently in the midst of studying neuroscience. I may try to post more often but sometimes with shorter posts. It’s important to me to make time for it one way or another. Writing is cathartic for me. And if what I’m writing is beneficial for others, then that is truly a win-win.
So, on to the post. Narcissists and moral grandstanding and virtue signaling … always a show. In order to make the people around them believe that they are upstanding people, the narcissistically inclined love to talk about how honest they are … how kind they are … how understanding they are … how trustworthy they are … how empathetic they are … and so on. This helps to create a fake image of wonderfulness so that people are less likely to question their intentions when they do crappy things, and they can also make others feel guilty for even thinking they would do anything unpleasant because they expressed how honest, kind, nice, etc. they are. This is also a way to seem “better” than other people. Shaming others for choices that the narcissist has judged as “wrong” fits here as well. It’s a “holier than thou”, righteous, judgmental spectacle. “I’m SO honest. I would never hurt anyone by lying to them. I’m not like other people.” When a new person in your life behaves this way, take note. It’s a major red flag that would be unwise to ignore.
In no uncertain terms, it’s all a set-up, particularly in new relationships (romantic, friendships, employers or colleagues). It’s a set-up for buffering future toxic behavior that the narcissist wants to get out in front of. (It can also be a show for strangers, just so that the narcissist can have an audience to whom they can display how morally superior they are). When the mask comes off (and it always does), though, for those in their lives, narcissists want to be able to fall back on all their claims of wondrousness. They don’t want you to see who they know they really are. That would crush their fragile ego! So they’ll remind you of how honest they are and then try to make you feel guilty for questioning them. They’ll shame you with “How could you think I would do such a thing?!” and then pout for a while. “I told you ages ago that I’m nothing but honest and trustworthy so why are you making these hurtful accusations? I’ll bet you’ve lied to me and you’re trying to cover it up by pointing fingers in my direction!”
Don’t fall for the grandstanding. Think about the genuinely honest and trustworthy people in your life. Do they spend time telling everyone how honest and trustworthy they are? Not usually. They just are that way, and they don’t feel the need to shout it from the rooftops. On the other hand, those who are dishonest, unkind, lacking in understanding and empathy, etc., often feel the need to put on a false front in order to fool people into thinking they’re someone that they aren’t. If they just came at the world with their true intentions and behavior on full display, there would likely be a lot of people running off in the opposite direction.
I guess the takeaway from this is that it’s wise to be aware of the behavior of people around you. Most narcissists have similar behaviors, moral grandstanding and virtue signaling being just a couple of them. Some may be loud about it, and others may be trying to quietly stay under the radar, but the message they attempt to convey is the same. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, try not to get caught up in the webs of the personality disordered and you will save yourself a great deal of trouble.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
When asked what I believe is the most important step to take towards peace, fulfillment and happiness in life, particularly during and post-narcissistic abuse and the ensuing healing journey, the answer is definitely to Find Yourself and then continue the process of building on that foundation to hone, refine and develop exactly who you feel you are and want to be.
What exactly do I mean by Find Yourself? Finding yourself means truly searching for you. It means digging through all of the biases we have been subjected to throughout our lives and really focusing on what we think, feel and place importance on. It means asking ourselves who and what in this world makes us feel loved, comforted, happy and peaceful and then sorting those out from the people and things who do the opposite. We may need to consider low contact or no contact with family, friends and others who present us with disrespect, condescension, struggle and other negativity that causes us to feel harassed, belittled, uncomfortable, unloved, sad, confused, anxious and so on.
What else might finding yourself include? Self-care and self-love are incredibly important components in this process. From the smallest of items to more obvious ones, every act of self-care and self-love is of benefit. You can read more about some self-care ideas in my previous posts.
Why is finding yourself important? Once you find yourself, you will know what is important to you, how you feel about the people and the world around you, you will know what you think and you will care enough about yourself to ensure that you take steps to protect yourself from toxic people and situations by using strategies such as boundaries and low or no contact.
So you might wonder if finding yourself is easy. The simplest answer is no, usually not. It’s a journey. But, in my opinion, it’s an essential and necessary journey that will help to bring you to a more positive, confident, self-assured place where you can feel strong enough to create and uphold boundaries and to be true to yourself every day, with anyone, in any situation.
Finding yourself is a rewarding journey, but it is especially so for those who have experienced trauma and abuse of any kind. It can help you greatly as you navigate the healing process. Working with a counsellor or life coach can also be of assistance as you move forward in your journey. Find yourself.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter