Tag: red flags (Page 9 of 9)

Red flags and ultimate results of narcissistic abuse

April 15, 2021 / Heather / 0 Comments

If you are/have been in a relationship with a narcissistically-inclined individual, here are some of the most common results:

You believe that you can’t live without the other person. (codependence)
The other person uses you as their scapegoat.
You feel as though you are often under attack in a variety of ways (judged, criticized, devalued, made fun of, spoken to in a condescending fashion, made to feel like you’re a problem, told that you’re responsible for the other person’s feelings and issues, yelled at or spoken to in a harsh manner, etc.).
You have regular feelings of anxiety, depression, worry and fearfulness.
You don’t trust your judgments or abilities, and you begin to give up on yourself and view yourself as a failure.
You no longer feel as though you have a voice.
You feel as though you must somehow be deserving of the poor treatment.
You fear being abandoned (trauma bonds).
You lose touch with other people because this person has isolated you from them.
You don’t feel like yourself anymore, which leaves you feeling lost and hopeless.
The roller coaster ride of silent treatments and abusive behaviour mixed with love-bombing and ‘good days’ has you confused and disoriented.
You feel as though you are always ‘running on empty’; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted (sometimes financially as well).
You may develop complex PTSD (C-PTSD).

This is by no means an exhaustive list but it definitely includes some of the more common items experienced by those in a relationship with a narcissist, be it romantic, family, work, etc.

If you find yourself regularly experiencing these types of symptoms in relation to someone in your life, it would be beneficial to view them as red flags. Regardless of what someone may try to tell you to explain everything away or blame it on you, no one deserves to be treated with abuse and disrespect. If someone’s treatment and attitude towards you makes you feel badly about yourself or ‘less than’, the situation needs your attention and action. It may seem simpler to maintain the status quo and give the person the benefit of the doubt that they’re just ‘having a bad day’ or ‘didn’t mean it that way’, but it isn’t worth the price you will pay for this narcissistic treatment as time goes by. Narcissistic abuse is insidious. It creeps in and gradually breaks you down. Narcissists tend to prey on kind, forgiving and non-confrontational people, and they count on those traits to allow them to continue their abusive ways. By the time you really begin to notice the negative effects, you will already have been impacted, sometimes quite deeply, in a variety of ways.

Many of us, after the fact, wish that we had listened to our intuition and heeded the red flags that we noticed early on, rather than sweeping it all under the rug and trudging forward, allowing the acceptance of abuse as a way of life until it just feels ‘normal’. Trust your gut; it will set off alarm bells but you need to be willing to listen and believe it. Trust what you have noticed in someone and within your relationship. If something seems off, there’s a good chance that it is off. Take the time you need to assess a situation but don’t be afraid to walk away from it at any point. You have the right to your own choices and you owe it to yourself to do whatever is in your best interests. Forget about what anyone else thinks. Trust yourself. You are strong enough to make things work, no matter what happens. If you can avoid a narcissistic abuse situation, it’s so much preferred to anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, etc., and the years of therapy/coaching, self-help and soul-searching that will be needed after having gone through it.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

How do narcissists get past our defences in the beginning of a romantic relationship?

January 25, 2021 / Heather / 0 Comments

Most of us who have ultimately realized that we are dealing with a narcissist in a romantic relationship will question how this person was able to sneak past our defences. Just how exactly did we not notice from the start? How is it possible for us to have missed the truth of who this disordered individual really is?

First of all, try not to blame yourself. Honestly, it’s not a failing on our part. It’s not as though narcissists show their true colors from the get-go. And if they do happen to slip up and drop their mask somewhat and their real behaviour comes through for a brief moment now and then in the early stages of a relationship, we tend to overlook it or explain it away (they are also incredibly good at making light of their actions and convincing us of it). Everyone makes mistakes, right? This person seems so great – we all have our moments, don’t we? Our kind and forgiving traits, which we should be proud of, are used against us in this case. We give people the benefit of the doubt; however, some people don’t deserve it. We just don’t realize it yet.

Here’s the way narcissists worm their way into our lives and our hearts – they mirror us. What does that mean, you might ask. It means that they observe us: our beliefs, morals, values, behaviour, likes, dislikes, and then they become somewhat of a reflection of us. This works for the narcissist because on the surface we see someone who *appears* to have a lot in common with us. A kindred spirit, if you will. So, naturally, we feel an attraction and begin to put our trust in them. Then we find ourselves falling in love with them. And, bam, just like that, we’re deep in it. From there – guess what – when the narcissist’s true self begins to emerge (and it always does because they can only ‘act’ for so long), we’re in a state of confusion. We want to continue to believe that this person is who we think they are, despite them beginning to show a different side of themselves. And by this point, we’re determined to stand by this person and what we think we have been building with them, the seeming ‘love of our life’, even as their mask begins to slip and they allow their true self to come through. They know that we’re hooked (and sometimes all in on a financial level, or we now share assets, or there are children involved who we don’t want to upset, and so on) and that we’ll likely tolerate increasingly poor behaviour because we are of the mindset that it’s most likely only temporary. Oh, he’s just having a bad day and that’s why he did that, or, oh, she didn’t mean that cruel thing she just said.

You may be wondering if it’s possible to see through the narcissist’s ‘act’ before we’re potentially damaged by them in any or all ways. Taking things slowly in the early stages (and beyond for as long as we feel it will take, if we so choose) of a romantic relationship can allow us time to truly get to know someone and possibly see any red flags that might pop up. Keeping assets separate and children outside of the attachment zone are also protective measures. Narcissists can’t keep up the charade indefinitely. That’s why they try to draw us into whirlwind romances and make things happen as quickly as possible. Our best line of defence in a new relationship is to not allow ourselves to be rushed, and to take things at a pace that we’re comfortable with, all while keeping our eyes and ears wide open. That doesn’t mean being paranoid and suspicious – it means being aware and honest with yourself about what you are observing.