Tag: ottawa life coach (Page 2 of 3)

Self-Care and Fitness Trackers

March 18, 2023 / / 0 Comments

When it comes to self-care, exercise, nutrition, sleep, and stress management are major components.  Self-care can sometimes be challenging to quantify and keep track of, though.  I’ve found over the years that fitness trackers are great tools for ensuring that my self-care efforts are at the level I want them to be.  For instance, my current tracker keeps a record of steps taken.  Heart rate is also tracked, which then gives me a good idea of my resting heart rate as well as the zones entered for fat burning, etc. during exercise. It also gives me a really good reference for my sleep habits, from duration and time spent in different phases (light, deep, REM, awake), to snoring (lol), restlessness, and other things.  There is a Menstrual Health Tracker as well.  Food and water intake can be logged into a related subscription app, allowing me to tweak calorie consumption and hydration levels as needed.  Additionally, the tracker provides access to what’s going on with my heart rate during periods of stress, which can prompt me to employ relaxation techniques like deep breathing. It’s really quite amazing to watch my heart rate drop when I take deep breaths and consciously attempt to relax my body.  It’s great evidence that these techniques really work!  Plus, the app I use keeps a record of the tracked information so that I can view long-term trends. On the tech side, it has GPS and an ECG app, text/call/app notifications, Alexa and Google Assistant, to name a few.  There’s so many great things to say about these gadgets.

If you’re in the market for a fitness tracker to accompany you on your self-care journey, I can recommend the Fitbit Sense because it’s the model I’ve had for about 1.5 years.  It’s a great-quality product, and the Fitbit app is simple to access and use (free for six months with purchase of new Fitbit, then around $12-13 CDN per month).  Also, I haven’t noticed any decline in the ability of the battery to hold a charge.  And for anyone who’s interested, you can purchase a variety of bands and screen covers for it in different colours, materials, and styles.  Fitness trackers can be as stylish as you want them to be.

In my experience, having a fitness tracker really opened my eyes to so many positives (and negatives that needed improvement) with regard to my self-care.  I can’t imagine not having one.  You can view them here: https://amzn.to/3yKFZEB (copy and paste link into browser to access details).

If a fitness tracker isn’t of interest to you, consider using online trackers or good, old-fashioned pen and paper to keep track of managing your self-care.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

 

 

Attachment in a Dysfunctional Family

March 12, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hi All,

I thought it might be beneficial to write a post about attachment within dysfunctional families, particularly with narcissists.

Attachment theory is based in psychology and looks at the relationship between a primary caregiver and their baby.  There are different stages of attachment, moving from birth to around two years of age.  Although there are four defined styles of attachment, both avoidant and dismissive attachment are the most common for children of narcissists.  These are insecure attachments, as compared to secure attachment with caregivers on which a child can depend.

Avoidant attachment involves a style of the child showing absolutely no preference for their caregiver or a complete stranger.  Often, this is created by caregivers who are neglectful and/or abusive.

Disorganized attachment looks like a mixture of behaviour, seeming at times confused or disoriented.  Due to caregivers who have made a child fearful of them, this style can result in the desire to defend oneself while still wanting to reach out to and form attachments with others.

Beyond the age of two, avoidant attachment often includes avoidance of seeking help from others because the individual needed to learn to be independent when their caregiver was never there for them.  Disorganized attachment individuals may display disassociation and/or symptoms of PTSD.

As adults, these attachment patterns, which formed at a young age, stay with us.  This often results in the recreation of these attachment/relationship styles throughout our lives, particularly in romantic interactions.  They shape how we see ourselves and others.

With insecure attachments, we may have more stress hormones, negative self-perception, and difficulties with emotions, cognition, and behaviour.  Anxiety, depression, and PTSD are also common outcomes.

So, where does this leave us?  When we become aware of these attachment styles and how they can impact us on many levels, we can learn to get out in front of them.  We can change our perspectives and perceptions.  We have the power and the tools to overcome these patterns.  Two of the main things we need are awareness and a desire to improve our situation.  Stop and think when an automatic response to a situation arises within: why is it that I’m feeling this way?  Is it a lifetime habit based in my childhood?  Is there another, more positive and healthy reaction that could be chosen?  What are the actual feelings at play here, rather than habitual reactions?

There is hope.  It can and does get better.  Here’s a link to a book on the subject: https://amzn.to/3JcVfid.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

Abuse, Stress, and the Toll on Our Bodies

March 1, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Childhood abuse and trauma, together with cumulative negative experiences with toxic people as our lives move forward, often results in an exaggerated physiological response to stressful situations.  Our emotional reactions register within our mind and body, and this can also lead to mental and/or physical illnesses.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, shows “how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust”.  This is a great book with beneficial insights into the workings of stress and trauma on our bodies and minds.  (Amazon Link to this book: https://amzn.to/3SHQIsE).

When we are aware of how abuse, stress, and trauma can affect our minds and bodies, we have the opportunity to minimize our exposure to these situations and/or learn how to successfully manage it in our lives.  There are many helpful activities that we can engage in, which I have discussed in previous posts, that include deep breathing, mindfulness, self-care, talking with a trusted individual, and so on.  We are empowered when we learn about the impacts of certain negative situations on our wellbeing, and then take steps to minimize those impacts.  Protecting ourselves from harm is imperative, and we have the right to take steps to keep ourselves safe.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

 

 

Separation and Divorce

February 26, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Both separation and divorce are difficult experiences.  This can be particularly true when dealing with a toxic person.  Narcissists are often the main cause of many relationship breakdowns, although you’d never hear them taking ownership of their part in it.  And they can make it more challenging when children are involved.

We may find ourselves questioning how we ended up with a narcissist or other toxic person in the first place.  In some cases, if we have toxic role models in our lives, they have likely taught us a very skewed version of love.  In actuality, it isn’t love, but as children, we have no way of knowing that.  If we call a spade a spade, it’s control, manipulation, and abuse masquerading as what we’re expected to accept as “love”.  For others, it may be that we grew up in a loving, functional, and healthy family but we meet a person who does a good job of pretending to be someone they’re not, until they get us where they want us.  That place may be marriage, shared debt, children, or a multitude of other things that bind us to them and make it harder for us to walk away.

Regardless of how we’ve ended up with toxic people, if we eventually find our way to the point of leaving, we can use all the support we can get.  Unfortunately, when our family of origin is dysfunctional, we’re unlikely to receive any authentic support from them.  In fact, they may even make the whole situation feel even worse.  For many, it’s also common to have feelings of embarrassment or shame coming into the picture, so they don’t want to turn to anyone, even healthy family and friends.

If you’re going through separation or divorce, or in the phases leading to it, reach out for support.  When you are fortunate to have loving people in your life, consider talking to them about your situation.  You might be surprised just how much it can help to have people behind you who understand what you’re going through.  And, honestly, there’s no shame or reason to be embarrassed about leaving an unhealthy relationship.  We all have our limits, and only we can decide when it’s time to close a chapter in our lives.  But we don’t need to be martyrs and hang on, especially if it’s to avoid judgment by others.  Let people judge.  That’s their problem, not ours.

And when we don’t have anyone we feel we can to turn to on a personal level, it may be time to seek out other resources.   This could be online or in-person support groups, counselling or coaching, or reading or watching videos about the various parts of relationship breakdown and how to cope.  As a side note, find legal resources to protect yourself on that front as well.  If you can’t afford a lawyer, search for resources that can be of assistance.  Find that light at the end of the tunnel.  Trust me, it’s there.

With coaching, there is someone available to hear you, to help guide you towards a new chapter with courage andempowerment, and to assist you in taking a deep dive into what you want your future to look like, no matter where you’re at in life.  Check in with this website often, as there will be new online programs being released in the upcoming months that you might find helpful.

Just know, it does get better.  We grow through what we go through.  Even though these situations can make us feel weak and lost, we typically come out of them feeling stronger and more focused.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

New Online Program Being Created

February 26, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hi All,

Hope this finds you well.  Thanks to everyone who has recently joined the mailing list and to the increasing numbers of people who are touching down on the website.

Just letting you know that I’m working on a new program to be offered online.  I’ll post an announcement once it’s up and running.  I think it will be a beneficial program, and I’m looking forward to launching it in the next few months.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

 

Why am I the scapegoat?

February 7, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Why am I the scapegoat in my family?  Many of us ask ourselves this question on an ongoing basis.  And while there are not usually black and white explanations for ending up in this role, there are some common possibilities.

We may be the scapegoat simply because our narcissistic parent needed one and chose us.  Scapegoats may also be chosen due to things beyond their control, such as gender, birth order, appearance, personality, intelligence, or any other characteristic.  Why?  Because narcissists are easily intimidated and want to reduce threats to their fragile egos.  We may be chosen as scapegoat simply because the narcissist feels threatened by us.  Or we may remind them of something they dislike about themselves (not something they’d admit out loud, of course), or something they like about themselves and want to continue to feel that they’re superior.  The goal is to keep the scapegoat held down so that they can’t outshine anyone.

So, the best answer to the question at play here is that there is no way of knowing exactly why we’re chosen as scapegoats.  But one thing is for certain; whatever the reason is, it has absolutely nothing to do with us.  Scapegoats are targeted by toxic people because we’re perceived as a threat.  Maybe it’s about looks or accomplishments or athleticism or intelligence or…or…or…and the list goes on.  But that’s not our problem.  That’s their issue.

Shine, people!  Don’t ever believe that you’re flawed, or not good enough, or that you’ve done something to deserve the scapegoat role you’ve been given within your family of origin.  It literally has nothing to do with you.  So be you, live your life to its fullest, and don’t ever dim your light for anyone.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Time and Experiences Lost to Toxic People

February 2, 2023 / / 0 Comments

One of the things that I found most challenging in my own healing journey was the feeling of having lost time and positive life experiences as the result of narcissistic abuse.  And this can be the case for anyone when having dealt with or currently dealing with any type of toxic individual.  What do I mean by that?  As children and young adults being raised in a dysfunctional family, it’s common to lose our sense of identity (if we were even able to form or express one in this environment) and to miss out on common life experiences.  We may not have been permitted to socialize (in order to isolate us, or because we’re pressured for high performance in academics and other pursuits, etc.), which then impacts on belonging within social circles.  This can result in exclusion and loneliness, or even being bullied.  We may be pressured to look and act a certain way that doesn’t represent who we truly are, or made to behave and dress in provocative ways (or the exact opposite).  This impacts on our future relationships and self-image, and it may even create lifelong issues surrounding intimacy.  These are just a couple of examples.

So, in addition to being abused and all of the issues it creates for us, we may be left feeling that we lost time and positive life experiences, and that we were cheated out of all or parts of our childhood or teenage years.  Maybe we didn’t appreciate our youth because, due to family dysfunction, we were not given the opportunity to do so, or we were made to feel like we didn’t have the option to enjoy it because we needed to spend time being high achievers in absolutely everything, or that we were selfish if we enjoyed just being a kid or a teen, or we didn’t think highly of our appearance, intelligence, personality, and so on because we were criticized and put down.  All of these components may even have been the cause of lost opportunities in our futures, many that we are unaware of until further into adulthood.

As adults, this can all be difficult to accept.  I mean, we have had our childhoods damaged or completely stolen from us.  We missed out on experiences because of other people’s dysfunction and brokenness.  And we have every right to be angry, hurt, resentful, sad …    It’s absolutely okay to visit those feelings, but it’s not healthy for us to take up residence there.   Not only is it important to press forward and enjoy our lives in the now, but it’s crucial that we don’t lose more precious time.  When we get stuck in the negative feelings, we lose more time to situations that were beyond our control and are now firmly in the past.  We were unknowingly caught up in other people’s issues.

We need to be patient and kind with ourselves and our inner child.  This wasn’t our fault.  We didn’t ask for any of it.  But we do need to hold ourselves accountable for how we’ll work on healing ourselves and moving forward.  There’s a great deal of satisfaction and fulfillment to be derived from having a growth mindset and reaching for what we want our lives to look like.  And although it can’t bring back lost time, missed experiences or opportunities, it can help us to enjoy and make the most of our reclaimed lives and identities.  Look forward, not back.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

 

Difficult Realizations

January 13, 2023 / / 0 Comments

(Just a note to start off with.  As promised, more to come on self-acceptance (see previous post) in an upcoming post.)

Anyone who reaches an awareness of the toxicity of someone in their life – be it a parent, sibling, significant other, etc. – has to have experienced a major realization at some point.  That a-ha! moment where everything (months, years, or even decades) suddenly makes sense.  “Oh, wow.  My Mom behaves like a narcissist!” or “My best friend of 10 years has been plotting to steal my partner all this time!”  Something will trigger us to see what’s really been going on.  An epiphany of sorts.

For many of us, this new reality may become crushingly clear.   It could come in the form of suddenly realizing that not only has, for example, a parent not authentically supported us throughout our lives, but they have actually been actively creating and maintaining a negative narrative in their minds about us for years.  And, beyond that, they have spread this narrative to others.  Maybe we’ve been unjustifiably portrayed as stubborn, selfish, difficult, unintelligent, overly sensitive, lazy, or unable to successfully run our own lives.  And there have likely even been occasions when we have spoken up for ourselves when subtle insinuations to these narratives have been made, only to realize that no one bothered to truly hear a word we said and simply went forward as though we had never spoken.  Why?  Because they’re more interested in keeping the narrative alive, for whatever reason.  The whole dynamic of toxic people and their enablers or other people they’ve manipulated is typically a strong one, and, in the end, people will believe what they want to believe, regardless of facts.

Let’s take a closer look at this component of someone spreading false narratives about us and those on the receiving end believing what they want to believe, typically at the urging of a toxic person or people.  Let’s face it: if the person spreading falsehoods about us happens to be a parent, many people would simply assume it must be true.  Especially those who are not well-versed in toxic behaviours within families, for example, and the mechanisms of scapegoating.  And that can be a tough pill to swallow, when you can’t understand how someone could believe something so absolutely inaccurate about you.  But, really, anyone who has their head on straight would know better than to accept any narrative about someone without hearing what that individual has to say.  And they would also have the option to avoid judgment and simply disregard the information altogether.  Where does that leave us, though, when we become aware that not only has someone we may love and trust (such as a parent) been fabricating stories about who we are, but that they’ve spread it to others who are taking it at face value?  It leaves us with the opportunity of finding the strength to embrace what our truth is while acknowledging and accepting that any number of factors and variables are at play around us at any given time.  And that we don’t need to JADE – Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain – ourselves to anyone if we choose not to do so, especially about who we are as people or regarding our own lives and the choices we make.  If someone doesn’t know who we are … who we really are as a person … then that’s their issue, not ours.   If they choose to believe someone’s false narrative about us, that’s their prerogative.  In the end, other people’s opinions and beliefs about us don’t have any bearing on who we genuinely are.  It may disrupt relationships that we thought were deeper, but that’s nothing we can’t survive.  Actually, isn’t it better to know than to go along thinking people have our back when they really don’t?  I think so.

In the end, these realizations of toxic dynamics in our families and other relationships can be upsetting, disappointing, and hurtful.  Sometimes they’re traumatic.  Believing that someone has always had our best interests at heart and then finding out that it was anything but, can be gut-wrenching.   But we are strong enough to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move forward.  Yes, it can be challenging but, in the end, we’re stronger for the lessons we’ve learned and the empowerment, awareness, and knowledge we’ve gained.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Accepting Yourself

January 13, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Toxic people often try to make others feel “less than”.  Why?  Because it makes them feel superior.  It gives them someone to criticize and point fingers at.  It protects their fragile egos.

At the heart of what we need in order to be immune from the tactics of toxic people is acceptance.  Acceptance of ourselves.  When we accept ourselves – positives, flaws, all of who we are –  we empower ourselves.  If we’ve accepted (and maybe even embraced) who we are, then what others say is less likely to have a negative impact on us.  Narcissists, flying monkeys, enablers…none of them will affect us on that level.  We know who we are and that’s that.

Learning acceptance of oneself can seem like a daunting task at first.  But it gets easier the more we engage in it.  In an upcoming post will be some suggestions for seeking out and putting into practice acceptance skills.  There’s no one-size-fits-all approach because each of us is unique.  But it’s possible to find what we need and make it a way of life.  More in the next post.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Being emotion-free with narcissists is always beneficial

March 19, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Hi all! I’m taking a break from writing university course research essays to … well, to write a post. Ironic, isn’t it?

So, one of the key ways to address any dealings you need to have with a narcissist is to try to leave emotion out of the interaction. Narcissists thrive on our reactions when they’ve pushed our buttons; the more emotional the response, the better, as far as they’re concerned. It makes them feel as though they’ve controlled us and “got their own way”. And, when it comes down to it, that’s very true. When we allow a narcissist to bait us into an emotional response, we are literally handing over our power. That’s exactly the reaction they always hope for, and we sometimes fall into their traps. Let’s face it – it isn’t easy to deal with a narcissist at the best of times, and they always seem to know just what to say to upset us. That’s one of the most common characteristics of narcissists.

Here’s the thing, though: when we go into an interaction with someone we believe to be toxic, if not narcissistic, we have the choice to arm ourselves with the promise that no matter what is said or done, we will not react from an emotional level. This tactic may need to be repeated a few times because most narcissists won’t give up after just one unemotional response. But, eventually, they will lose interest in attempting to draw us into their game. When they don’t get any control or other benefits from trying to force an emotional reaction, they get bored. They are getting nothing out of it anymore. More than likely, they’ll move on to someone else who will give them the response they’re hoping for.

Trust me – this gets easier and more automatic the more you do it. It takes practice but it’s very possible to master it. And the self-control and strength it will give you is amazing. It’s empowering.

So, give it a try if you feel like it’s important to you. Take back your power by not feeding the trolls. You’ll be shocked by how great it feels to turn those tables and flip that script! Good luck!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

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