Tag: ottawa life coach (Page 1 of 3)

Narcissists who are also scapegoats

August 28, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Yes, it’s possible for a narcissist to have been, or still be, a scapegoat. This is particularly true when they have been narcissistically abused by a parent or guardian.  It isn’t necessarily golden children who may become egotistical and/or narcissistic.

I’ll share a bit about the case of an individual (not a client) who grew up with three siblings. He has two sisters and an older brother. This brother is the golden child of the family, while the person I mentioned was – and still is – the scapegoat. His mother never has a kind or complimentary thing to say about him, and she does her best to control everything in his life, which has led him to many downfalls. And yet she raves about her oldest son while continuing to criticize her other adult son. Of note is the fact that her oldest son is quite a narcissist himself but couldn’t do wrong in her eyes if he tried.

In this particular situation, this  narcissistic mother believed herself to have been an outstanding farmer with a huge cattle operation when her children were young, and yet accounts from others – including her scapegoated son – were that they lived on a relatively small hobby farm that never amounted to much. Livestock was not well cared for, plentiful crops evaded her, and veggie gardens were not productive. But the point to be made here is that she has always placed immense importance on farming because, in her narcissistic mind,  she felt that she was exceptional at it. And so, her scapegoated son has spent his life to date attempting to become a farmer that his toxic mother would be proud of. He has poured tens of thousands of dollars into creating what he thinks would impress her. He lost his family over the obsession, although his alcoholism and narcissistic abuse were also major contributing factors.  Yet, in the end, he has never been successful at farming despite decades of trying. Why? Because it isn’t his dream. It’s his mother’s dream. And the sad fact is that even if he were to be successful, it would never be enough for her. He will never receive the love and validation that he has craved from his mother for his entire life.

This scapegoated narcissist will likely spend all his days attempting to live out someone else’s dreams in the hopes of finally being acknowledged and praised by someone who is incapable of giving that to him. His only release may come about when his mother passes on.

So, yes, narcissists can simultaneously be scapegoats. The hits to the ego that are a part of being a scapegoated child have the potential to turn a person into an ego-protecting and abusive narcissist, seeking out their own scapegoats, while continuing to be narcissistically abused by a disordered parent. Sad mixture, for certain.

Everyone has a story that has brought them to their current chapter. While it’s a challenge to feel sympathy for narcissists, simply trying to put oneself in their shoes for a few moments is often enough to shine a spotlight on their unpleasant existence. If nothing else, it allows for a glimpse into why they behave the way they do. We don’t have to forgive if we don’t choose to, but sometimes it helps to understand why narcissists are they way they are. It allows us to know that it has nothing to do with us but everything to do with their own internal chaos.

Here are some great books on narcissistic families and scapegoats:   https://amzn.to/3KYNMVI

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

‘Lack of’ can have as much of a negative impact as observable experiences

August 22, 2023 / / 0 Comments

As they say, trauma isn’t all about just the bad stuff; it’s also about the good stuff that never happened. And great malice isn’t necessary to do great harm because an absence of both empathy and understanding are sufficient.

Sometimes what is lacking can have as much of a negative impact as what is occurring. So, what happens in our childhoods within dysfunctional families can be obvious – like physical and/or verbal abuse – but it can also be invisible. And, sadly, both play out in our lives as we become adults. All of it can lead to severe insecurity, lack of confidence or self-acceptance, and issues in other relationships, to name just a few. Emotionally immature and unavailable role models often lead their children down the path of deficits in many ways.

How do we repair these emotional wounds that have major influence in our lives? My focus is always on growing an awareness of the dynamics we have experienced in our lives, and then making healing a priority. Once we see where and by whom the damage was done, it’s okay to sit with those feelings that will inevitably arise, like anger, grief, sadness, loss, and regret. Even though we’re often taught not to feel or show emotions, we need to recognize the importance of honouring and validating how we feel.

But once that step feels complete, we need to prioritize ourselves and our healing. That’s what is most important. Some online articles or books will suggest taking revenge on disordered parents or anyone who has caused us harm, but when you really think about it, what good does that do us? It only uses time that we could be putting into healing and thriving. That’s been said in previous blog posts so I won’t go into it again here.

For now, this is simply a reminder that the experiences that create trauma or challenges aren’t always loud and directly observable. They can lay within parental silent treatment, the absence of empathy and understanding from our role models, missing out on good experiences, and so on. And what creates trauma or other issues in each of us is as unique as we are.

Here’s a link to search results for books on the subject of healing trauma:  https://amzn.to/44nrV0S

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

 

Engage in ‘Flow’ for Self-Care

August 10, 2023 / / 0 Comments

From the field of what is known as positive psychology, the theory of ‘flow’ was created in the 1970s after studies were conducted on participants who were doing things for pleasure, without any form of monetary reward or fame. This research project was led by psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. 

So, what exactly is ‘flow’, you might wonder? A great definition of it is that it is a state of mind in which an individual becomes fully immersed in an activity. It’s one of those times when someone becomes completely absorbed in an experience. It is energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment of the process of the activity or experience. Time flies by and a person has the feeling of being in ‘the zone’.  Which means that everyone will have different activities in which they experience ‘flow’. It could be within the arts or sciences, athletics, personal hobbies, time in nature, and so on. Virtually anything that someone derives pleasure from and loses themselves in. For some, it may feel like only moments have passed while it has, in fact, been hours.

And ‘flow’ can be particularly useful as a form of self-help for anyone who is dealing with toxic people and/or challenging situations. It isn’t always possible to access professional help when we feel we need it, so it’s beneficial to have resources in our personal toolbox. And the more we put these into practice, the easier it is to implement self-help methods at any time. Being in a ‘flow’ state can mentally take us away from difficult circumstances and provide a temporary reprieve. Even just a few moments of listening to a favourite musical artist or taking a walk in nature, for instance, can provide someone who loves those things with much-needed self-care and empowerment.

When we’re in difficult circumstances, particularly with narcissists and other disordered people, it can be easy to forget to take care of ourselves and to do things we love. But it is especially important for us to eke out time for these activities when we are in need of inner strength and rejuvenation.  It often doesn’t take much immersion into our chosen activity to see significant benefits.

When life gets tough … when difficult and/or toxic people are at their worst … whatever the situation may be, it’s time to dig deep into self-help. And if professional resources are needed, always remember to reach out to those individuals. But in the meantime, find those experiences and activities that are meaningful.  A state of ‘flow’ is always waiting there, ready to provide a reprieve and positive energy. Go with your ‘flow’.

*Copy-and-paste link to books on the subject of the state of ‘flow’:  https://amzn.to/3s9kvkM

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

 

How to Say Goodbye to Limiting Beliefs

July 29, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Limiting beliefs are a state of mind or beliefs about yourself or the world that are restricting. These beliefs can run the gamut from “I don’t have enough time” to “I’m not good enough – smart enough – attractive enough” and so on. And, yes, we place these limits on ourselves and our environment. Sometimes they arise from a single negative experience. Other times, though, they are the result of growing up in a toxic family. Scapegoats/black sheep of narcissist parents, for instance, are regularly criticized, critiqued, berated, judged, and punished for the smallest of things. This gives the distinct message from one’s own family that a person is unworthy and unlovable. Under these conditions, it’s not difficult to fall into the belief that we’re defective and lacking.  And this can impact our entire life if we don’t intervene on our own behalf.

So, how do we go about dealing with limiting beliefs?

First of all, we need to recognize them. Like, “why am I afraid to try this? There’s something holding me back!”

Next, we need to recognize that what we have is simply a belief. It isn’t a fact. It isn’t truth. It’s just a belief we are holding about ourselves or the world around us.

Knowing that these are just beliefs, we can begin to challenge them.

The next step is to challenge our belief. Rather than accepting our negative, belief-based thoughts about, say, what we’re capable of academically, we should ask ourselves why we feel that way. If our answer to the self-posed question is that we aren’t intelligent enough to be successful in academics, then our next question to ourselves should be, “why not?”. Chances are, we might not have a justifiable response.

It is incredibly important to then recognize the potentially damaging consequences of continuing to hold limiting beliefs about ourselves and our world. Missed opportunities, self-esteem issues, lack of success, and so on.

Then, adopting new and positive beliefs is imperative. For example, if we’ve been holding the belief that we’re “not smart enough”, we can replace it with “I am capable of whatever I put my mind to”. Or if it’s “I’m not good enough”, then it needs to be something more like, “I am enough”.

Lastly, we need to put new beliefs into practice. It can be challenging to step out of a comfort zone, no matter how dysfunctional it is or that it didn’t serve us well. But it is entirely possible to overhaul our belief systems and then act in accordance with them.

As an example, many people who were raised in a narcissistic environment (narcissist, enabling parent, golden child) are likely to have limiting beliefs about many parts of themselves. A common occurrence with scapegoats is being told that they’re “average” or even “stupid”.  That can translate to difficulties in school because scapegoats will often adopt that belief about themselves (remember, as children, we trust our parents and accept what they say as truth) and it, in turn, limits them academically. From childhood, that typically carries on through adolescence and into adulthood, sometimes having negative impacts on post-secondary education and career options, for instance. But if we learn to challenge our beliefs regularly, and to implement beneficial beliefs after weeding out the limiting ones, we will begin to approach our self-image and self-beliefs, as well as our beliefs about the world, in ways that help us to stop cheating ourselves out of opportunities. Instead, we will learn to approach our lives with confidence and healthy self-esteem.

One word of warning is that, although anyone can have limiting beliefs that should be changed, scapegoats in particular need to have an awareness that anger may rise up when we’re working through the process. Why? Because it’s difficult to recognize that we adopted our beliefs about ourselves and the world from people we trusted because we were too young to question it. And then those beliefs have been carried through our lives to whatever point we’re currently at. And we may, in retrospect, see lost opportunities, self-sabotaging or destructive behaviours that have taken place. It can bring up a lot of emotions that we need to be prepared for.

In the end, what we need to remind ourselves is that we weren’t foolish to listen to our disordered or emotionally immature parents and then accept what they told us about ourselves and the world as truth. We were children. And children trust their role models. But when we become ‘awakened’ and see things as they are, it’s our opportunity to take our futures in hand and live our lives in healthy, functional ways. Holding beneficial beliefs is empowering and it frees us to thrive as we were meant to. We’ll likely discover amazing things about ourselves along the way. Resentment and anger will only hold us back if we don’t let it go. That in itself is limiting. Step into this new awareness with a growth mindset, inner strength, and the knowledge that the future is ours and it’s limitless.

Until next time,

~Heather Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

 

When Special Occasions Are Challenging

June 15, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hi all,

I’ve been busy working on various projects and realized it had been a bit since I wrote a post.

So, for those of us who are estranged from or not looking forward to spending time with a dysfunctional family or certain members, special occasions come with mixed and challenging feelings. We may even dread them. If no-contact has been the choice, then, for the people who are not part of our life, there won’t be any celebrations of mother’s or father’s day, to name a couple that take place this time of year. On the other hand, if low-contact or interactions with strong boundaries are the current way of things, then dealing with these occasions will likely be happening.

Regardless of a person’s current situation with family – beyond dysfunction, some people’s parents have passed or they’ve lost children, for example – occasions like mother’s and father’s days can be difficult.

What are some ways of getting through, whether it’s full no-contact or a tense family gathering?

  1. Prepare for it mentally. Get plenty of sleep beforehand, hydrate, be realistic about what you might encounter and how you will deal with it (ie. deep breathing, keeping conversation and emotion to a minimum, leaving if necessary, finding other things to do alone or with other family or friends, etc.).
  2. Know your boundaries and hold to them. Toxic people love to push boundaries and it helps to be prepared for that eventuality, whether it’s happening in real time or there’s fall-out after the fact. Enabling parents and flying monkeys come out of the woodwork more often around special occasions, too. The simple fact of the matter is that each of us has the right to decide who can be in our life, and if someone is toxic and unhealthy for us, then we have the choice to disallow their access to us. If they don’t like it and if they send their lackeys to do their bidding, so be it. We can still hold strong. If it’s protection of ourselves and/or our children or other loved ones, that’s what we need to focus on rather than all of the noise and smear campaigns that come from toxic people and their army of yes-people when they don’t get their way.
  3. Don’t stick around or allow guests to stay in your home if there is a need to bring festivities to an end. Respect your needs and expect respect from others, particularly if they’re in your home.
  4. Remember to celebrate yourself if you’re a parent or for other celebratory events! These occasions aren’t only about other people; they apply to you, too. Growing up in a dysfunctional family may have created the impression that only certain people matter enough to be celebrated; bury that inaccurate narrative in a deep hole, fill it in, and then add some cement over the top!
  5. Go for a walk or have a relaxing bath after all is said and done – whatever works for you. Self-care can work wonders, and it doesn’t take much to have a big effect.
  6. If unpleasant words were spoken to you by or on behalf of a toxic person, try not to ruminate over them. Consider the source, allow yourself to see the dynamics behind the words, and then let them go and don’t give them any further energy.

Remember that if you were once a scapegoat/black sheep for your family of origin and you have stepped out of the role, remaining family members will typically want to pull you back in so that the status quo can be continued. Their dynamics will be off and they want to right them again. Special occasions are always a great opportunity for them to put things into action. That doesn’t mean that the once-scapegoat needs to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the greater good. Not at all. Scapegoats have the right to take their lives back, find peace, and keep it that way. Going back to dysfunctional situations for the sake of making other people happy (and, honestly, they aren’t “happy”) isn’t fair or healthy. If the situation had been good, we never would have left. Always keep that in mind. And, sadly, most toxic people and their enablers and golden children don’t change for the better. Going back into the fold won’t change anything. All it does is undo personal progress and cause stress and emotional struggles. It’s always best not to allow special occasions to pull us back in to a space that we thought long and hard about leaving in the first place.

No matter what this coming weekend looks like for you, know that you’re not alone and you’re stronger than you know.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

Intuition and Why We Should Listen to It

May 3, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Being aware of our intuition and feelings is important. This is especially true when it comes to how we feel around certain people. The Oxford Languages definition of intuition is “the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning”.  Further, according to the Berkley Well-Being Institute, “[i]ntuition is the result of your brain putting together everything you have learned from past experiences in your life to help you form a quick conclusion.”

Our intuition signals when someone (or something) isn’t good for us. Toxic people, particularly narcissists, will trigger intuitive and emotional reactions in us, whether or not we’re consciously aware of the why of it. When we’ve come from toxic and dysfunctional upbringings, we’re usually given the distinct impression that it’s frowned upon – maybe even punishable – to listen to our intuition or feelings. And we can easily become disconnected from these warning systems as a result. Why do toxic people want us to ignore our intuition? Because if we paid attention to it, then we would be acknowledging that the intuitive alarms are sounding because someone in our environment is setting them off, letting us know that we should defend and protect ourselves from some type of harm, and then we might act on the warning. Toxic people don’t want us to act on feelings that we should defend ourselves. They want complete control and for their scapegoats and others to accept any situation without question.

So, here’s the thing: our intuition and our feelings are worth listening to and honouring. When dealing with narcissists and other toxic people, we have the option of setting aside their manipulations and unpleasant behaviour and simply hearing what’s happening inside of us. We can ask ourselves, “how am I feeling as I’m interacting with this person?”.  And if it’s bringing about unpleasant feelings – whether it’s the first time or the thousandth time – we have every right to create boundaries and enforce them. That could look like walking away, telling someone our boundaries, or maybe limiting our contact with them through no contact or low contact. It could even give us time and space to clear our minds and reevaluate certain relationships. Obviously, that will depend on the person’s role in our life. Is there likely to be pushback from an individual or individuals that we’re taking a stand with for ourselves? There’s a huge chance of it, yes. But can we weather that storm in honour and protection of ourselves? Absolutely.

Growing up in a dysfunctional environment often breaks us down on every level. We accept poor treatment because we’ve been trained to think we don’t deserve better or that this is what love looks like or that there are very real consequences for going against or questioning the status quo. It’s usually all we’ve ever experienced, so it’s challenging to imagine that it’s ‘wrong’ or that we could possibly expect something different for ourselves. But despite all of that, our intuition and our emotions will continue to speak to us and set off those internal alarms. Someone in our lives may have trained us to believe that we’re inferior and/or a black sheep and so on, and we may not question those narratives about ourselves as a result. We’ve literally been brainwashed. But our instinct or sixth sense – whatever we want to call it – will always be operating inside us. No one can shut that off, regardless of how much they’d like to do so. They can condition us not to listen to it, for sure. Like when we’re told that we’re “too sensitive” or “stupid” or “unattractive”, we may believe it because we’ve been told for so long that’s it’s true and we’ll likely have received strong reactions to any attempts  we’ve made to contradict those claims against us. And yet, our intuition will be telling us otherwise. It may be a little flutter in the solar plexus (physical sensations) or flickering feelings and/or thoughts that contradict the toxic words or beliefs being expressed to us. That will always be there. And we will always have the option to hear it and, if we so choose, act on it.

That little voice inside us – or the interconnected reactions within our physical bodies – is our ally, our protector, our connection to truth and authenticity within ourselves. When our environment is harsh and hurtful, intuition is rays of light within us that point the way to our truth. And it isn’t going anywhere. It’s there for us any time, anywhere, and it forever will be. We have freedom of choice to hear it or ignore it. But, regardless of what we choose, we have that element of choice available to us. That’s empowering in itself.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

More on Self-Acceptance

April 30, 2023 / / 0 Comments

As has been mentioned in past posts, self-acceptance is incredibly important. So, here are some tips on making that happen:

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Forgive ourselves for past mistakes and know that absolutely everyone makes mistakes. Let them go, knowing that we did our best with the knowledge and circumstances we were dealing with at the time.

Try to celebrate our strengths, see the good in every situation, and stay positive and grateful (even for the smallest of things).

Avoid comparisons with others. We need to just be who we are and hold our heads high! 🙂

Hush that inner critic. It isn’t helpful anyway.

Learn to express our feelings to trusted others.

Surround ourselves with supportive people.

Help others. When we provide assistance to other people, we spend less time worrying about our own issues.

______________________________

Here’s the link to a great book by Tara Brach – Radical Self-acceptance – that is available for free on Amazon with an Audible trial: https://amzn.to/429P6Lt (copy link and paste into your browser)

It really comes down to positively shifting our way of looking at the world and ourselves. There’s no doubt that it takes some practice but it’s possible for anyone to do. And, in the end, it really can make a huge difference in our lives.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

From the Ashes

April 12, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

Trust

March 21, 2023 / / 0 Comments

A warm welcome to the new visitors to the site!  I love Google Analytics for providing insight into website activities.

So, one topic that presents challenges for scapegoats is trust. When we’re treated as a scapegoat and/or abused by narcissists, whether it’s in a family or other relationship, it damages our ability to trust others. Here we are being treated unfairly by someone who’s supposed to love and care about us, but they use us as a patsy for their own behaviour. And they criticize, berate, and lie about us all for their own interests. Sometimes physical or other abuse is involved. There’s no loyalty coming from them to us. None. If it’s a parent, we may believe that their actions toward us are somehow justified. I mean, this is our parent.  A supposed role model. Someone we should be able to trust and lean on. Someone who demands to be seen as wise and all-knowing. And yet the person they portray us to be is not anything like who we feel we are. That creates a great deal of dissonance. Then, because we’ve been taught to respect this person and “do as we’re told”, we feel guilty for even questioning them in our minds. And they will be quite willing to pile more guilt on just to keep us held down. Their behaviour towards us  – control, manipulation, gaslighting, projecting, etc. – is all meant to keep us in line and under their thumb.  They may try to mask it as concern, love, discipline, or whatever else, but it’s all about keeping us firmly entrenched in our scapegoat role.

If we go on to other relationships with narcissists (which is quite common because it’s familiar), this cycle will continue. Abuse, blame, guilt. At some point, it’s only human to want to stop trusting people, unless we’re fortunate enough to have people in our lives who happen to be the real deal and wouldn’t hurt us for all the money in the world.  There’s only so much our psyches can take before we need to protect ourselves.  That’s perfectly normal. Upsetting, but normal.

How do we learn to trust people? One big piece of advice is to take your time when we’re getting to know new people. And when it comes to people who have proved to us over and over that they can’t be trusted, but they’re suddenly saying they’ve ‘changed’, we need to keep their past behaviour in mind before we let down our guard.  There truly are good people out there in the world. We just need to listen to our intuition and past experience. We need to trust ourselves and our ability to make good judgments. And if red flags turn up along the way, we have every right to remove ourselves from whatever the situation may be. Don’t worry about hurt feelings or someone getting peeved.  We need to take care of ourselves, and that includes protection from people who we feel may hurt us.

In childhood, we don’t often have protection from a narcissistic parent. Family members and other relatives tend to go along with the narrative. But we may luck out and have at least one family member who’s in our corner for support, even if they do so out of sight of the narcissist. If not, we may have friends we can turn to for support. In other relationships, we may believe that the ‘love’ we were given by a narcissist is what love should look like.  As a result, we may inadvertently end up with more narcissists. And that’s okay. We all learn as we go. Once we recognize toxic people, abuse, cycles, patterns, scapegoating, and so on, we can forgive ourselves for not recognizing it because it was all we knew and what we thought was ‘normal’. And then we can do our best to keep ourselves safe from that point forward. We may at some point be tricked by another toxic person, even when we thought we had a handle on knowing what to look for. That’s okay. We forgive ourselves again and we move on. We save our trust for people who deserve it.

Yes, being a scapegoat is a difficult experience.  Look at it this way, though – imagine being a narcissist or other toxic, miserable type of person. Having to control and manipulate others just to feel some sense of security. Protecting a fragile ego at all costs. Hurting people over and over again. No, thanks! Even though they hurt us, at least we can learn, grow, and become stronger, kinder people.  They also provide us with a spectacular model of who we don’t ever want to be. They’re absolutely stuck where they are. Very few toxic people ever change. We have so many opportunities for changing and adapting. That’s such a gift.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

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