It has been a little while since my last post here. Between a welcome end-of-summer holiday and other happenings, I took some time away from writing. However, I have many topics that have been rolling around in my mind for future posts. If you are ever interested in having me create a post with regard to a specific topic, feel free to email me at na********************@***il.com. I’d be happy to look into your request and hopefully create something that you and others will find beneficial.
News: In an effort to be of further assistance and support to clients, I have returned to full-time university online with Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario. I’m majoring in a Bachelor of Psychology program with the goal of ultimately obtaining a Master’s degree in Counselling Psychology (with an institution that offers the program). Additionally, working within the benefits coverage system will allow more individuals to access my services and get the support they need. I’ll try to share some details of delving back into post-secondary education as my journey unfolds.
Check in for more posts soon. Don’t hesitate to touch base with me with post topics or to arrange an online or telephone appointment.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
Many of us are natural caregivers. We enjoy looking after others (people, animals, etc.), and that’s a great and admirable trait. But one thing that can be forgotten is to give ourselves the same care and love that we so willingly give to the world around us.
When we are low on our list of priorities (or absent from the list altogether), over time, it can leave us feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, depressed, anxious or possibly unbalanced and unwell on a mental and/or physical level. Eventually, we can end up unable to look after anyone else, let alone ourselves.
Prioritizing time for self-care is essential, whether or not we are caregivers. We need to nurture ourselves holistically in every area – physical, emotional, social, spiritual and mental. Whether it’s meditation, mindfulness, therapy, exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, relaxing in a warm bath, massage therapy, spending time in nature, listening to music, and so on, every act of self-care makes a difference in our lives. It helps us to recharge, energize, clear our minds, reconnect with people, nourish and keep our bodies well, to name just a few, and feeling good further encourages the healthy cycle of self-care.
When we take care of ourselves (it’s not selfish, it’s necessary), we are helping to ensure that our holistic health and wellness is prioritized, strengthened and maintained. That way, we can enjoy our lives and continue to care for others who are important to us and help them to enjoy their lives as well.
In situations where we are in a toxic environment, such as with a narcissist or other negative individual, prioritizing ourselves can be challenging, but it is all the more important to engage in self-care so that we can withstand the toxicity without allowing it to harm us.
Prioritizing ourselves is a matter of health and wellness. No matter how small the act of self-care, it can make a positive difference. Take care of yourselves every day, my friends!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
Narcissists use a variety of tactics to get what they want, including control over or silencing others. Here are just a few of the main tactics together with ways to combat them.
Projection – Narcissists refuse to see their own shortcomings because it damages their already fragile egos. As a result, they will accuse others of their own traits and behaviours in order to displace these things from themselves. How to stay strong: Don’t project your good traits onto the narcissist (expecting them to be like you is dangerous and will be disappointing), and don’t accept their negative ones as your own.
Gaslighting – This is a technique used by narcissists to cause distortion and erosion of other people’s sense of reality. They will suggest that an event didn’t happen or that it was all a figment of someone’s imagination and so on. Eventually, people who are gaslighted regularly will begin to question themselves and their sanity. How to stay strong: Make a point of grounding yourself in your own reality. It helps to keep a journal or discuss things with friends or members of a support group.
Ridiculous Conversations – Narcissists love to argue and it often turns a conversation into complete and utter nonsense. At the root of it, these people are arguing with themselves, not you. How to stay strong: A good option is to cut the conversation short and walk away.
All or Nothing/Black and White Thinking and Generalizations – “You never do anything right”. “You always make me angry”. “That group of people are always a problem”. Narcissistically-inclined individuals make blanket statements and far-reaching generalizations about anyone and everyone. How to stay strong: Try not to engage. Walk away wherever possible.
Making Other People’s Thoughts and Feelings Appear Absurd to Invalidate Their Rights to Have Them – If a narcissist can make someone believe that their feelings and thoughts are crazy and absurd, they can eventually wear them down until they believe they aren’t deserving of those things. How to stay strong: Again, try to stay grounded in your own reality and recognize that your feelings and thoughts are relevant and important.
Triangulation – I have written previous posts on the subject of triangulation. Triangulation involves a narcissist who won’t deal directly with someone but instead brings in a third party to do their dirty work for them, thus forming a triangle. How to stay strong: If you feel you need to respond to a third party acting on behalf of a narcissist, try to keep it short and to the point. Historically, the less you engage, the better it will be for you.
Smear Campaigns, Stalking – I have also written posts on smear campaigns in the past. This is a situation in which a narcissist targets you by speaking ill of you as an alleged aggressor while making themselves appear to be the victim, and they will spew their lies to anyone who is willing to listen, including your partners, children, friends, coworkers, relatives and so on. The narcissist may also stalk you in-person or online in order to find information with which to begin new attacks against you. How to stay strong: Again, a less-is-better approach is typically beneficial. If people confront you about your supposed negative behaviour towards a narcissist, a short “There are two sides to every story” or “If you knew me, you would know better” or something similar can be helpful. Silence is another option. Eventually, most people figure out that the person who launched the smear campaign against you is a narcissist and not to be believed.
I will move on to Part 2 on this subject of manipulative tactics to silence people in a future post. In the meantime, I recommend that everyone be aware of these tactics so as to (hopefully) not fall prey to them. When we educate ourselves regarding narcissistic behaviour, we give ourselves the tools to recognize and stay safe from their disordered actions.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
If you are currently in a situation where you have to endure interactions with a narcissist, here are a few ways to stay strong, balanced and uphold your boundaries:
Do your best to avoid being drawn into their negativity. Using the ‘grey rock’ technique of being non-emotional, as boring as possible and generally rock-like can often deter a narcissist because they can’t get the reactions that they are hoping to.
Walk away rather than being drawn into a cyclical argument or rant against you or someone meaningful in your life.
Keep yourself grounded by taking a walk outside, talking to someone other than the narcissist, taking part in activities that keep your mind from wandering to the narcissistic nonsense, or anything else that works for you.
Reminding yourself that you are dealing with someone whose main goal is to protect their fragile and highly sensitive ego at all costs. Recognizing that their issues are their own and that the behaviour they exhibit has nothing to do with you.
If you so choose, begin making plans to go low or no contact with the narcissist. Just the thought of breaking free from a narcissistically-inclined person can often be enough to lift spirits and clear the mind.
Self-care is incredibly important when regular interaction with a narcissist is necessary for whatever reason. Take a long bath, read a book, go for a walk in nature, watch something on Netflix, etc. Whatever you enjoy doing, do it. Taking care of yourself is especially beneficial when interacting with problematic people because it can help to keep your strength up on all levels.
Mindfulness – bring your mind to the present moment, without judgment. See the narcissist’s behaviour for what it is (their issues), take a few deep breaths and go on with doing what you need to do.
When it comes to dealing with narcissists, learning the tools that work best for you to stay strong and not be drawn in is a great step to take for your own wellbeing and further developing coping strategies. If you would like a support system to help you with these strategies, contact us as set out below.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
One of the most difficult situations I encountered after making the decision to leave my alcoholic and narcissistic spouse was finding my way out. We shared children, a home, vehicles and other assets, debts and several years of marriage. All of it felt incredibly overwhelming, and my fears and feelings ran the gamut from financial (many issues on this level, which left me feeling stuck) to emotional. The people in my life who knew about it at that time chose to ignore it – read that as my ‘narcissist of origin’ enjoyed watching me struggle. Others had no idea what I was dealing with because shame and fear kept me from disclosing the situation.
At a complete loss and feeling very fragile, I reached out to a local women’s shelter and thankfully found people willing to support me through the process of leaving an abusive partner. I was placed with an amazing social worker with the shelter who provided counselling without any fees (of note, CAMH is another organization that offers free-of-charge counselling – I spent a bit of time with them as well – and some private counselling services do have subsidized sessions based on income), helped me create a safe exit plan which could involve law enforcement if necessary, and made sure that every available resource was discussed. I can’t speak for all shelters but this particular one, whether you actually stayed there or just needed help from the outside, offered funds to pay for moving expenses (and help with the actual move) and initial rent and utility set-up bills as well as readying a home with some furnishings, groceries and other essential needs. If you require assistance and have no idea where to turn, don’t be afraid to contact a local shelter or other social service agency and ask what they might be able to help you with. There are so many people out there who are ready and willing to help.
I also attended a free legal resource centre in order to discuss with a lawyer my rights, obligations and creation of a separation agreement. In addition, a few months after leaving, I took the step to file the agreement, which had been signed by both my spouse and I in front of a witness, with the courts and then FRO (Financial Responsibility Office in Ontario) in order to ensure that child support payments would be made, which helped in the avoidance of struggles over it with my ex-spouse. Unfortunately, off the start, the child support was used as a tool to further abuse me both financially and emotionally. There were threats of it not being paid at all, or messages about delays in payment because his needs should come first, etc., which is why I took the step of filing the necessary documents and setting everything up with FRO. I refused to be further abused by or in regular contact with this person so I did my research and found yet another resource to facilitate my transition to freedom. Again, the resources are there but it’s often necessary to conduct research and then advocate for yourself to get where you need to be.
This is only a brief version of the steps I took in leaving. My goal in writing about it is to help with awareness that no one is alone when they choose to leave a narcissistic partner or family member. There are supportive resources available on many levels to aid individuals through the difficult transition of escaping from an abuser.
My advice is to not allow a lack of funds to hold you somewhere that you have chosen not to be. Reach out to friends, family, organizations – anyone you feel safe to discuss the situation with. They can help you and provide needed supports to move forward to a better, safer and more peaceful and healthy life.
Trust me – I know how grim and hopeless it feels when you have been abused by a narcissistic partner or family member, you have made the decision to end the relationship, and then you have no idea where to turn or what to do next. You’re likely already in a place of severe physical and mental exhaustion and possibly struggling with anxiety and depression as well as fear of retaliation, not to mention worrying about a major life change. Putting one foot in front of the other can feel like a significant challenge, let alone making plans and finding the means – financial, emotional, etc. – to leave and start over. My experience is that once I found support and began to feel an inkling of hope, momentum, strength and courage slowly but surely built up from there. Creating a safe plan of action and goals with my social worker gave me something to work towards. Even though I went though most of the initial part of the transition in somewhat of a fog and doing most of it on auto-pilot, I knew deep inside, despite my fears and apprehension, that a better life awaited my children and I. Turns out I was right. It didn’t happen overnight and the challenges obviously did not end immediately upon me leaving my spouse, but in time everything began to improve and my life changed in ways I had never imagined possible.
I created Natural Clarity Coaching to be an affordable support system, particularly for anyone dealing with narcissistic abuse and recovery, regardless of what stage of it they may be in. My fees are also on a sliding scale based on income (on the honor system – no need to divulge your financials). If you would like to know more, please don’t hesitate to contact me at na********************@***il.com. Initial consultations are free of charge, completely confidential and without any obligation. You don’t need to stay in an abusive situation because you believe there is nowhere to go, potentially a lack of funds to get you there, and no one to assist you, and it isn’t necessary to experience the processes of deciding to leave, leaving or recovery, without support. Reach out for whatever resources you need in order to get yourself to a better place and to further grow and thrive once you’re there.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
If you are/have been in a relationship with a narcissistically-inclined individual, here are some of the most common results:
You believe that you can’t live without the other person. (codependence)
The other person uses you as their scapegoat.
You feel as though you are often under attack in a variety of ways (judged, criticized, devalued, made fun of, spoken to in a condescending fashion, made to feel like you’re a problem, told that you’re responsible for the other person’s feelings and issues, yelled at or spoken to in a harsh manner, etc.).
You have regular feelings of anxiety, depression, worry and fearfulness.
You don’t trust your judgments or abilities, and you begin to give up on yourself and view yourself as a failure.
You no longer feel as though you have a voice.
You feel as though you must somehow be deserving of the poor treatment.
You fear being abandoned (trauma bonds).
You lose touch with other people because this person has isolated you from them.
You don’t feel like yourself anymore, which leaves you feeling lost and hopeless.
The roller coaster ride of silent treatments and abusive behaviour mixed with love-bombing and ‘good days’ has you confused and disoriented.
You feel as though you are always ‘running on empty’; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted (sometimes financially as well).
You may develop complex PTSD (C-PTSD).
This is by no means an exhaustive list but it definitely includes some of the more common items experienced by those in a relationship with a narcissist, be it romantic, family, work, etc.
If you find yourself regularly experiencing these types of symptoms in relation to someone in your life, it would be beneficial to view them as red flags. Regardless of what someone may try to tell you to explain everything away or blame it on you, no one deserves to be treated with abuse and disrespect. If someone’s treatment and attitude towards you makes you feel badly about yourself or ‘less than’, the situation needs your attention and action. It may seem simpler to maintain the status quo and give the person the benefit of the doubt that they’re just ‘having a bad day’ or ‘didn’t mean it that way’, but it isn’t worth the price you will pay for this narcissistic treatment as time goes by. Narcissistic abuse is insidious. It creeps in and gradually breaks you down. Narcissists tend to prey on kind, forgiving and non-confrontational people, and they count on those traits to allow them to continue their abusive ways. By the time you really begin to notice the negative effects, you will already have been impacted, sometimes quite deeply, in a variety of ways.
Many of us, after the fact, wish that we had listened to our intuition and heeded the red flags that we noticed early on, rather than sweeping it all under the rug and trudging forward, allowing the acceptance of abuse as a way of life until it just feels ‘normal’. Trust your gut; it will set off alarm bells but you need to be willing to listen and believe it. Trust what you have noticed in someone and within your relationship. If something seems off, there’s a good chance that it is off. Take the time you need to assess a situation but don’t be afraid to walk away from it at any point. You have the right to your own choices and you owe it to yourself to do whatever is in your best interests. Forget about what anyone else thinks. Trust yourself. You are strong enough to make things work, no matter what happens. If you can avoid a narcissistic abuse situation, it’s so much preferred to anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, etc., and the years of therapy/coaching, self-help and soul-searching that will be needed after having gone through it.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
One of the regular themes in my posts is to listen to your gut/intuition. Another one that is of importance for everybody, but particularly if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, is to listen to your body. Both of these things aim to keep us safe and healthy.
Stress doesn’t just take a toll within our minds in the form of depression, anxiety and other mental wellness symptoms; it also manifests itself in our bodies in negative ways. High blood pressure, stomach problems, headaches/migraines, muscle armoring, and the list goes on. Our minds, emotions and bodies are intricately connected; when one part is suffering, it seeps into the other parts.
Our bodies are always communicating to us about physical issues. The key is to listen and try to make positive changes that will lend themselves to healing and stability. For instance, when I recognized that my mind, soul and body were suffering from a relationship with one of the narcissists in my life (who I didn’t realize was a narcissist at the time) several years ago, I made the difficult decision to break ties with them. (And I’ve done it more than once since then.) In all honesty, I had begun to feel as though I was ‘losing my mind’, that my emotions were on a constant roller coaster ride, and that my body was literally breaking down more every day. I was in rough shape and at a point where I was terrified about what might happen to me if I didn’t take action. Stress from narcissistic abuse was constantly eating away at me from the inside. I was quickly slipping into a space that was anything but beneficial for me. The fear of becoming seriously ill eventually outweighed everything else.
Once I disconnected and found increasing amounts of peace, everything began turning around. I felt better on all levels. This all came about with a lot of therapy, introspection, mindfulness and hard work but it was much easier to do when clarity began to return to my mind because I wasn’t always operating in survival mode. Then self-care began to grow as a priority and the physical symptoms of stress from abuse began to wane. There’s no doubt in my mind that I saved my own life from losing years by listening to my intuition and body and then making choices that led the way to healing myself holistically.
It’s crucial to ‘hear’ the messages from your body, both good and bad. Our bodies are on a constant mission to maintain homeostasis (balance) but when they become overwhelmed, they let us know, through subtle signs to start – depending on the individual, for example, an ache here, a rash there, elevated blood pressure daily headaches, etc. – followed by increasingly obvious and gradually more severe symptoms and unavoidable signals that change is needed in order to remedy the situation.
The overall message is that making regular self-care a priority is incredibly important for all of us human beings, and always being open to listening to your body’s messages will help to ensure your continued wellbeing. Just like following your intuition is typically a good habit, hearing what your body is telling you is equally as vital to your overall health.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
