Tag: golden child (Page 12 of 13)

Moral Grandstanding and Virtue Signaling … More Narcissistic Tools

October 24, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Before I get to my post, I wanted to welcome all of the new visitors to this website. The analytics for the site are revealing a growing audience that is increasingly global in nature. Welcome to all of you! Posts have been fewer and farther between recently due to my return to university. I’m taking several courses, one of which is psychology, and am currently in the midst of studying neuroscience. I may try to post more often but sometimes with shorter posts. It’s important to me to make time for it one way or another. Writing is cathartic for me. And if what I’m writing is beneficial for others, then that is truly a win-win.

So, on to the post. Narcissists and moral grandstanding and virtue signaling … always a show. In order to make the people around them believe that they are upstanding people, the narcissistically inclined love to talk about how honest they are … how kind they are … how understanding they are … how trustworthy they are … how empathetic they are … and so on. This helps to create a fake image of wonderfulness so that people are less likely to question their intentions when they do crappy things, and they can also make others feel guilty for even thinking they would do anything unpleasant because they expressed how honest, kind, nice, etc. they are. This is also a way to seem “better” than other people. Shaming others for choices that the narcissist has judged as “wrong” fits here as well. It’s a “holier than thou”, righteous, judgmental spectacle. “I’m SO honest. I would never hurt anyone by lying to them. I’m not like other people.” When a new person in your life behaves this way, take note. It’s a major red flag that would be unwise to ignore.

In no uncertain terms, it’s all a set-up, particularly in new relationships (romantic, friendships, employers or colleagues). It’s a set-up for buffering future toxic behavior that the narcissist wants to get out in front of. (It can also be a show for strangers, just so that the narcissist can have an audience to whom they can display how morally superior they are). When the mask comes off (and it always does), though, for those in their lives, narcissists want to be able to fall back on all their claims of wondrousness. They don’t want you to see who they know they really are. That would crush their fragile ego! So they’ll remind you of how honest they are and then try to make you feel guilty for questioning them. They’ll shame you with “How could you think I would do such a thing?!” and then pout for a while. “I told you ages ago that I’m nothing but honest and trustworthy so why are you making these hurtful accusations? I’ll bet you’ve lied to me and you’re trying to cover it up by pointing fingers in my direction!”

Don’t fall for the grandstanding. Think about the genuinely honest and trustworthy people in your life. Do they spend time telling everyone how honest and trustworthy they are? Not usually. They just are that way, and they don’t feel the need to shout it from the rooftops. On the other hand, those who are dishonest, unkind, lacking in understanding and empathy, etc., often feel the need to put on a false front in order to fool people into thinking they’re someone that they aren’t. If they just came at the world with their true intentions and behavior on full display, there would likely be a lot of people running off in the opposite direction.

I guess the takeaway from this is that it’s wise to be aware of the behavior of people around you. Most narcissists have similar behaviors, moral grandstanding and virtue signaling being just a couple of them. Some may be loud about it, and others may be trying to quietly stay under the radar, but the message they attempt to convey is the same. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, try not to get caught up in the webs of the personality disordered and you will save yourself a great deal of trouble.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Growing up with a Narcissistic Parent

August 19, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Narcissistic parents; they aren’t what anyone would choose if we had a choice in the matter. They color so much of our lives in dark shades that aren’t easy to erase.

If you grew up in a household headed by a narcissist, whether you were a scapegoat or a golden child, my heart goes out to you. I get it because I lived it myself. Our childhoods were often filled with criticism, judgment, blaming, gaslighting, silent treatments, unattainable goals with constantly moving goalposts, lack of affection, dishonesty, physical abuse, and the list goes on. We could always count on our disordered parents (either two narcissists or a narcissist and an enabler/flying monkey) to create negative environments filled with all manner of difficult situations and emotions for us to try to cope with. One of the only things that most of us could always count on in a dysfunctional family system was that a new issue was around every corner.

Our life with a narcissistic parent shapes us in ways we did not ask for or want. They lead us down dark alleys to places where we eventually lack trust in others and ourselves, suffer low self-esteem and a total lack of confidence, isolate ourselves from the world, feel as though we’re unloved, always being judged and never measuring up, blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong within a 10-mile radius of us, and a never-ending list of behaviours and thoughts that challenge us to our very core.

As difficult as all of this is, we can find our path out from under the dark clouds. It takes hard work, introspection, courage and a strong support system but it’s more than possible and well worth it. There is a life of peace, self-love, self-care and happiness for us once we escape the negativity. How we do it is a matter of personal choice. There’s no contact, low contact, strong boundaries, and other techniques to assist us along the way. Therapy is always a good route to take (there are subsidized or free services available in many places), and a support system such as Natural Clarity Coaching can complement this work. It’s never simple, and often we need to distance ourselves from our family of origin in whatever way works for us, but if we take those first few steps and gather some momentum, nothing is impossible.

Path from dark clouds to sun

So, sons and daughters raised in narcissistic families, if you haven’t already started down the path to emotional freedom, peace and empowerment, consider prioritizing yourself and taking those steps. Baby steps are fine. Whatever you can muster. Maybe start with some small self-care measures and looking for a therapist (preferably one who is well-informed regarding narcissism and C-PTSD) to reach out to. Take it from there. The little steps will eventually become bigger ones as you move through this journey. You will find your way. And it will be well worth every step you take to get there.

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

A sad but true tale of a narcissistic grandmother

July 24, 2021 / / 0 Comments

This is a situation I knew of many years ago. And it’s a cautionary tale for anyone who has children who will be interacting with an individual who is a potentially narcissistic grandparent to their children.

This particular individual (I’ll call her Darleen) set out to ‘steal’ her first grandchild in the child’s earliest days. She started out by convincing her daughter-in-law (I’ll call her Rachel) that her milk supplies were insufficient for the baby for breastfeeding (this was never corroborated by a doctor) and that bottle-feeding formula would be the best option. Sadly, trusting in Darleen, Rachel was quickly convinced of this narrative and went along with it. Darleen saw this as a way that the child could easily be fed while alone with her, making Rachel less necessary in her mind. When the child developed an ear infection, Darleen convinced Rachel to leave the child with her until such time as they were well again, which turned into many weeks. And so it all began.

Not long after, Darleen began to launch a quiet campaign to split up her son, let’s call him Larry, and Rachel’s marriage in an effort to not only keep control of her son but to lessen her daughter-in-law’s influence and involvement in her own child’s life. This wasn’t too difficult of a task because Larry, who alternated between being abused by his mother and also acting like a narcissist himself, was already having an affair with a coworker. At the urging of Darleen, Larry ultimately set out to regularly confuse and manipulate Rachel and then told her he no longer loved her, which, not surprisingly, took her to the point that she was considering taking her own life. At that stage, he had her involuntarily taken to the psychiatric ward of the local hospital “for her own safety and the safety of the child”. While she was recovering in the hospital, he and his mother, together with their lawyer, applied for and had custody of his child given solely to him (read that as essentially Darleen brought the child to live with her because Rachel’s family lived a distance away). Upon the wife’s release, she had to hire a lawyer and enter into a battle to prove that she was stable in order to obtain joint custody of her daughter, and then eventually went through a brutal divorce that left her bankrupt due to some corrupt dealings of Larry’s that she was completely unaware of.

As this child grew up with Darleen as the center of her universe, they were very susceptible to the negative messaging that Darleen constantly conveyed to them about their parents. Darleen, as a narcissist who loves to have minions to worship them, wanted to put up walls between her grandchild and their own parents. And, sadly, she was quite successful in doing so. The child had ongoing battles with both parents (and future stepparents) that led to depression, anxiety, lack of identity, confusion, dropping out of school at 16 and never finishing her education, and so on. This child’s own grandmother, in attempting to be in control and ensure that the child idolized her, did nothing but create chaos and pain in the life of her grandchild. And, believe it or not, Darleen, wanting to keep control of her daughter-in-law as well as maintain a flow of information from her about the child, in addition to ensuring continued access to her grandchild, managed to convince her that all of the suffering with the custody battle and divorce was solely caused by her son, even speaking ill of him often to make it seem more likely. In doing so, Rachel still believed Darleen to be her friend and support system years after the divorce, and she therefore continued to allow her child to spend massive amounts of time alone with Darleen. This way, Darleen could continue to control and have access to both her grandchild and ex-daughter-in-law, all while looking like a saint. Rachel was eventually clued in to Darleen’s real persona and broke ties with her, but not before years of damage had been done.

Years later, Darleen attempted to ‘steal’ the child that her son and his second wife had together as well. Fortunately, the mother was aware of what was happening and took steps to protect the child. So then, as before, the grandmother set out to manipulate her son and, once again, hoped to cause her son’s marriage to implode so that she could continue to control him and also have an opportunity to lock in another minion with her newest grandchild. However, the daughter-in-law recognized what was happening and was able to fend off those attempts as well. Eventually, narcissistic grandma gave up and put all of her energy back into her first grandchild. Believe it or not, these are just a few of the things this woman has done over the years.

And, yes, as extreme as this all sounds, every bit of this story is factual. Narcissists will go to great lengths to manipulate people, including their own family members, in order to get their way. And they believe that the damage their actions create, even involving those they claim to love, is simply a necessary step in their overall plan (aka need to control and be worshiped to feed their fragile ego) and they feel no empathy or accountability for any of it.

So, if you have children and they will be involved with a family member that you believe may be narcissistic, consider taking steps to protect your child from the potential of being damaged by that person. In doing so, you will be sparing your child from the possibility of great harm and you will also be playing a part in ending or weakening the negative cycle of generational family narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Awareness and taking action when necessary are both key in these situations.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Life as the Family Scapegoat

July 18, 2021 / / 0 Comments

From the perspective of an ACON (Adult Children of Narcissists) and a DONM (Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers), I could literally write a book on my experiences. In all honesty, anyone who grew up in a disordered household headed by a narcissist will have innumerable stories they could tell. The tales we can tell are our own but, sadly, the majority of them are incredibly similar at their root level. They all generally boil down to narcissistic behaviours and how they domino out to everyone in their orbit.

If I were to go to a more personal level and summarize my life as the child of a narcissist into its most basic form by using a few examples, it would be this:

As the family scapegoat, I felt from a very early age that my mom and I simply didn’t ‘jive’. The connection just wasn’t there. Being female, and through no fault of my own (from stories recounted to me, this appears to have started when I was just a baby – for example, being told many times over the course of my life that she wanted to throw me against a wall because I cried when I had colic), I triggered her own deep-seated issues, which caused her to target me and resulted in a lack of a bond between us. This woman adores, supports, encourages, brags about and idolizes my younger brother. It’s not as though she is incapable of those things. Ironically enough, when he and I have made similar decisions in our lives as adults, she has raved about how wondrous his choices were but somehow managed to find fault with all of mine. Although this narcissistic behaviour became abundantly clear to me many years ago, it was incredibly confusing when I was younger, and led to me accepting her nonsense and losing any self-esteem or confidence I may have had. This was my mother. My dad went along with it. I believed her to be the all-knowing and wise person she claimed to be. If she deemed me a disappointment and a failure, then she was probably right as far as I was concerned. That’s what narcissistic abuse has the potential to do to a person when they don’t have a knowledgeable support system or awareness to lean on.

Throughout my childhood and into my teen years, I was pressured and expected to excel at everything I did while, simultaneously, a cloud of low expectations hung over my head. My mom expected me to be the best (because in her mind this would make her look good to the outside world) while at the same time telling me I was “just average” (she’s big on labelling, especially when it comes to intelligence). To add insult to injury, no matter how well I did in school or other pursuits, it was never good enough for her. An ‘A’ on a test would result in her questioning why it wasn’t an A+. On occasions when an A+ was awarded, apparently it was obvious to my mom that the test was too easy and likely everyone in the class did well on it. Or sometimes she surmised that the teacher must have favored me and therefore the mark wasn’t truly representative of my (in her opinion, limited) abilities and was undeserved and, in fact, unfair to my classmates. The same judgments were a constant for any of my other pursuits, including sports and, especially, music. She always heard that one little mistake and, in her opinion, that ruined the entire performance. That one error would be blown out of proportion and zero credit would be given for the thousands of correct notes and other musical elements that go together with them. Looking back from an adult’s point of view, I realized that from a young age I began focusing on the negative and not looking at my strengths as a direct result of my mother’s constant judgments and criticisms as well as the almost complete lack of encouragement and support. One mistake became catastrophic in my mind.

My friends were also constantly being critiqued and negative comments made to me about them. In her mind, I never chose the ‘right’ friends (or partners as I got older). She would literally suggest the people that I should spend time with (people she felt would be “good friends”) and would badger me about it on a regular basis. There would be comments made by her that my chosen friends were abusive (ironic, isn’t it?!) and that I needed to “get a backbone” and “stand up” for myself. One time when I had a falling out (temporary, thankfully) with a friend (which, by the way, was instigated by my mom and her constant prodding), I shared with my mom just how upset I was that I felt I had lost my best friend. Rather than comfort me or say something supportive, she started crying and told me that she thought she was my best friend and that what I said had hurt her deeply! Within a couple weeks, though, she was talking about how many years she and her “best friend” had known one another!

One moment that is very vivid for me after many years was the time that I told my mom that I was feeling depressed. After getting this out in the open, I started to cry because I was feeling emotional. She slapped me across the face, told me to “snap out of it” and then stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Needless to say, that was truly a lesson in not sharing my feelings that has stuck with me since then. Working through it has been a process but is well worth it.

In terms of my family of origin (FOO), it was dysfunctional from day one. My dad, bless his heart, is a lovely man who is loyal and kind to a fault. Does he see my mom for who she is? I don’t know for certain. I’ve seen glimpses of awareness over the years but his enabling behaviour continues regardless. However, I do understand the reason for this. My mom has a strong “you’re either with me or against me” mentality with everyone in her life. If my dad even slightly appears to side with anyone but her, days or sometimes weeks of misery rain down upon him. Her vicious griping is equally as undesirable as her cold stares and silent treatment. I don’t blame him for wanting to avoid all of that. I get it because I’ve lived it, too. He has spent decades working/escaping more than he was home so I’m sure it’s nice to look forward to downtime rather than dreading it. But it’s also really difficult for me to have always been the scapegoat (my golden child sibling was, of course, rarely held accountable for anything), the black sheep, the one “in the wrong” no matter what, the one whose perspective was not allowed to be heard. As an aside, I had an absolutely wonderful grandmother who lived nearby who was supportive, loving, caring and an amazing friend. Without her … well, I wouldn’t even want to imagine how much more challenging life would have been. Although we rarely spoke of my mom or her behaviour (it’s quite likely that she had never put a name to it, and she was also someone who didn’t speak of others behind their backs), my grandma was there for me and that was what mattered.

Fittingly enough, the final narcissistic straw for me that led to many and continuing years of low and rare contact (never in-person or by phone) with my parents was, after several months of ridiculous drama, my mom pressuring my dad to the point where he informed me that I had “been the problem in this family for XX years” (the X’s represent my age at the time). Yes, folks, apparently my just being born was an issue and, in fact, the very reason our family was so disordered. After all that, I was then informed by my mom that my dad wouldn’t have said that (it was said in front of a witness) and that I needed to apologize. And that situation from start to finish is something that really sealed the deal for me in recognizing that I genuinely was not and had never been “the problem” in my family, no matter how much my narcissistic mother needed to label me as such in order to avoid dealing with or having other people focus on her many serious issues and the trouble those had caused within our family unit. Before I could walk, talk or be independent enough to even cause a problem for anyone, I was negatively labelled and that continued on because my mom needed it to and my dad felt that he was required to go along with it or else be made miserable (yes, he had choices but his blind loyalty and trying to protect his own peace traditionally came and still comes first). And then to be be informed that I had made up my dad’s words to me and should apologize … well, that was added to the already large stores of strong evidence that my mom holds neither herself (I don’t recall her ever sincerely accepting responsibility for her actions or giving a genuine apology for anything) nor anyone who acts on her behalf accountable for anything. Shifting the blame is typical behaviour, particularly blaming the family scapegoat.

So, obviously this is an incredibly shortened version of a small number of my experiences within a narcissistic family. There are hundreds, maybe thousands more that I could write about but it would take me well beyond the scope of a website post. Since becoming aware of my mother’s issues, how it impacted my family of origin, and how it has deeply affected me on more levels than I ever thought possible, I have read, researched and taken in everything possible on the subject of narcissism and its far-reaching impacts. I have worked diligently on my own recovery and committed years ago to helping and supporting others in doing the same. I also firmly believe in educating people in the realm of narcissism awareness so that some might be spared from being victims of the damage caused by individuals with this personality disorder. Difficult as they were, my experiences have made me the person I am today and also placed me in the position of being there to help others who find themselves in the grips of narcissistic abuse and/or attempting to recover from it.

Until next time,

Heather Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

When special occasions are challenging (especially where narcissists are involved)

June 20, 2021 / / 0 Comments

For everyone who finds special occasions like today, Father’s Day, challenging for any reason, I get it. If special occasions also feel like walking on egg shells (or possibly landmines), I completely understand where you’re coming from. This can be particularly so when narcissists are in the picture.

If your family of origin involved narcissism, special occasions were likely incredibly challenging to deal with from early in your life and probably remained that way throughout your childhood and into adulthood. Maybe the narcissistically-inclined parent was your mom, or maybe your dad, or maybe both of your parents. Whoever it was, it’s highly likely that special occasions were often drama-filled, emotionally draining and confusing events during your childhood and possibly into adulthood.

When it comes to narcissists, they feel the need to always be the center of attention, even on special occasions that have nothing to do with them. They will cause drama, upheaval and emotional upset by whatever means necessary. Maybe they’re sulking because the day isn’t about them but they’re making it appear as though someone slighted them and caused the issue. Or maybe they’re starting arguments because they want to take the attention away from the special occasion. It’s possible that they will criticize the people who are trying to celebrate by saying that their efforts aren’t good enough or they’ve done everything wrong. Whatever it may be, narcissists very commonly ruin special occasions, all for the need to be the constant focus of the family. And that toxic, narcissistic energy often attaches to special occasions and can bring apprehension and anxiety to other family members year after year after year. What is Mom going to do to ruin everything this year? What will Dad say to upset everyone so that he can storm off and then be free to do something he’d rather be doing?

Rather than being happy and enjoyable celebrations, special occasions in narcissistic families are often the exact opposite. They are prone to being stressful, anxiety-provoking, emotionally taxing situations that come to be dreaded every year rather than looked forward to. The narcissist’s negativity permeates virtually every special day circled on the calendar, particularly if that day doesn’t happen to be all about them. And even if it is ‘their’ day (say, a birthday), they will regularly ruin those with complaints of the celebration not being lavish enough, or no one got them what they wanted as a gift, or someone else was getting more attention than them for five minutes, or they simply feel like sulking and keeping everyone guessing by not divulging what it’s all about, and so on. There is no winning when it comes to narcissists and special events.

So, is there any way to get through these times as unscathed as possible? In the event that you decide to make a call to your family or drop by for a visit, be emotionally and mentally prepared. Know your limits as to what you are and are not willing to discuss with them. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ or ‘that’s something I don’t wish to talk about’. Boundaries are important. If you are pushed and bullied to engage in a discussion that you are uncomfortable with, it’s fine to let your parent(s)/family members know that you need to end the conversation and politely say goodbye. If you are in-person and this situation arises, let them know that you’re leaving and be on your way. No apologies, no excuses, no justifications necessary. You have the right to protect yourself and your wellbeing. Don’t allow the guilt trips or aggressiveness to sway you to stay and possibly be verbally/emotionally abused or attacked.

Obviously being low contact or no contact with your family of origin is a sure way to keep yourself safe and avoid negativity and possible verbal/emotional attacks. If you do reach out to a narcissistic parent or an enabling parent on a day such as today and a phone call or visit is not on the table (only do what you feel comfortable doing), texting and/or emailing are always viable options for sending a message. It’s okay to let your parent know you’re thinking of them in a way that allows you to avoid being drawn into an emotional maze. Sometimes it comes down to what you feel you need to do (touch base with a parent even if it’s difficult, etc.) rather than what you believe anyone else expects from you. If you’re currently in therapy or self-directed recovery work from narcissistic abuse, there is no need to set yourself back by opening doors that need to be closed either temporarily or permanently. Do what you feel safe doing. Maybe reaching out simply isn’t an option for you today; that’s absolutely fine. This is your decision and there is no right or wrong here.

Another way to cope with special occasions fraught with confusion, emotional upheaval and frustration is to create new traditions on your own or with friends, a partner, children, etc. Start a new chapter with these celebrations and rewrite what they will look like for you. Do what you can to let go of the negative energy that has been attached to these dates (likely for years or decades) and make them whatever you want them to be.

Above all else, it’s helpful to keep in mind that narcissists are extremely similar to a tired, grouchy toddler who didn’t get their own way. This may involve sulking, tantrums, childish outbursts and more, but you need to consider the source. Narcissists are disordered individuals who are protecting and seeking to feed their fragile egos at all costs. Not being the center of attention is viewed as a loss from their perspective and they will react in the most immature ways, along with lashing out and attacking those they feel have slighted them by not having their focus on the narcissist at all times. When we can understand the dynamics at play with narcissists, it can make dealing with them much less challenging. Also, keeping our own emotions out of the mix is a beneficial action. Don’t take their behaviour personally and try not to allow them to ‘get a rise out of you’.

So, Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there! To everyone for whom this day and other special occasions are difficult, I wish you the best in getting through it with grace and strength. For everyone (ACONs – Adult Children of Narcissists) who grew up in a dysfunctional family headed by a narcissist (or narcissists), step up the self-care if necessary in order to stay strong and healthy, and only do what you feel comfortable with. Not everyone understands or could even begin to understand the dynamics of the relationships within your family of origin (FOO) and the narcissist(s) at the helm, so it’s best to take all of the well-meaning societal messages with a grain of salt. No one has the right to push you into contact with someone simply because that someone happens to be a parent or family member. Listen to your intuition and only do what is right for you. Whatever feels right for you, trust it, embrace it and move forward with the knowledge that you’re doing your best and that’s all that matters.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists) and dealing with becoming aware

June 16, 2021 / / 0 Comments

As an adult child of a narcissist, life can be challenging in many ways. The shock of the realization that one’s parent(s) is/are narcissistic can be shocking, disappointing, depressing, anxiety-provoking, disillusioning, etc. Having a trustworthy support system is crucial, be it a family member, friend, therapist, life coach, online support group or another resource. This new awareness opens up not only intense emotions with regard to the narcissist parent (and possibly the other parent or family members , who may be a ‘flying monkey’, and maybe a sibling who is a ‘golden child’) but also about ourselves (and quite possibly our previously unknown role in the family as the ‘scapegoat’).

First of all, we are learning that this person, our parent, who we probably believed to be the end all and be all has turned out to be disordered. We may have thought they were any number of amazing things (mostly because they led us to believe this and brought down consequences if we questioned it) and now it may appear that none or very little of it was accurate. Our lives have been shaped by this person, often in negative ways. This realization will likely bring our entire upbringing and belief systems into massive question. Without a doubt, our relationship with this person will feel broken and confusing. Pulling away seems like a good option, temporary or otherwise. It feels as though everything is a lie and we commonly begin questioning our family, childhood, experiences, beliefs, feelings. We need to work through all of this to get to a better place.

In addition to the above, it is common to then begin analyzing ourselves in this new light. Our lives, our belief systems, our relationships … everything may seem to have been upended in a heartbeat. Turn to supports now more than ever.

With your trusted resource(s) of choice, it is beneficial to talk about your feelings. Get them out in the open in a safe environment and work on processing them. Be patient with yourself. This step takes time. (Keep in mind that Complex PTSD and/or other mental health issues may also be realities that you need to either rule out or get help for) The fog will lift and clarity will take its place. We need to believe in ourselves, our abilities and our hope for the future.

If you are not well-versed on narcissism, it never hurts to educate yourself about the traits and behaviour so that you can see this person as they are and understand what is behind their actions and words. As I always say, these are weak people with fragile egos that they spend most of their time protecting, often at the expense of the people around them as they attempt to control everything and everyone in their lives.

I strongly recommend online support groups as a resource to lean on for support. Whether you post or comment or simply read the words of others, you will know that you are not alone and this can be of great comfort. People in these groups are at various stages of their recovery, but above all else, they know what you’re experiencing because they are going through or have been through similar experiences.

As ACON’s, we need to give ourselves credit for what we have survived and the steps we will continue to take to keep ourselves strong and whole with this new reality in mind. We have endured incredibly difficult situations within our family of origin (FOO) but we are still standing. If this isn’t a testament to our great strength, I don’t know what is. Try looking at this as the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new and wonderful chapter on your journey. The best is yet to come and we will find that peace and happiness that has been so elusive in the past. This is a time of awakening and awareness that can help us to thrive if we are willing to take that step for ourselves. We are worth it!!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter

The Enabling Parent in a Narcissistic Family System

May 19, 2021 / / 0 Comments

As a child of a narcissist parent, it can be all the more devastating to witness the other parent behaving in an enabling fashion. It can create painful feelings of betrayal, loss, loneliness, fear, shame and disappointment that never completely dissipate. The enabler will more often than not take the side of the narcissist at all costs, even assuming the role of a flying monkey when required. For a child in this situation, it can feel as though there is no one on their side and nowhere safe to turn, unless they have the good fortune of other non-narcissist/non-enabling adults in their life (grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings, etc.).

The main reasons that a parent may become an enabler to their narcissistic partner are a) they are completely oblivious with regard to narcissism and that they are involved with a narcissist (they often operate with a blind loyalty to their partner); b) whether or not they are aware of narcissism and that their partner is a narcissist, their life is less challenging when they go along with them.

To go into those reasons more deeply, many people have heard the terms ‘narcissism’ and ‘narcissist’ but they don’t truly understand what it means. As a result, they will remain unaware of the dysfunctional web in which they exist. There’s also a very high likelihood that the enabling parent grew up in a narcissistic family and were then drawn to narcissists as adults because of the feeling of familiarity within that form of dysfunction and abuse.

On the second point, there is no doubt that going along with and even catering to a narcissistic partner, often against one’s own children, is the path of least resistance for an enabling parent. The partner recognizes that both they and their children need to revolve around the narcissist in an attempt to pacify them and hopefully bring some relief from the abusive environment. The thinking is that maybe if we all just do what the narcissist wants, life will be more tolerable, even temporarily. However, if the non-narcissistic parent does not go along with the narcissist in every way, even so far as scapegoating one of their own children, they will become the target of their partner’s wrath. In some ways, it’s an “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em’ mentality that permeates this relationship and family dynamic.

An example of a family with a narcissistic mother at the helm

There’s no doubt that the enabling parent is in a challenging position and that they will regularly suffer abuse and punishment (silent treatment, berating, shaming, false accusations, sometimes physical violence and so on), subtle and/or direct, at the hands of their narcissistic partner if they choose not to comply as an enabler (aware or unaware, this is what it comes down to). Narcissism is literally an ongoing cycle of victimization which typically travels down through generations. However, this does not negate the fact that, as an adult, they have choices. They can make their opinions known regarding the scapegoating of their child and the likely golden child routine if there are other children and then do their best to enforce compliance in this regard. They can ‘stand up’ for their child/children. They also have the option of ending the relationship with the narcissist, although, unfortunately, this can at times leave children in the care of said narcissist without the buffer of the other parent when it comes to shared custody arrangements. There are ways to lessen the negative effects of this type of situation but I won’t go into them today.

The bottom line is that enablers are ruled by fear and will resort to disordered behaviour, even towards their own children, in an effort to avoid issues with their partner. Is this weak? Probably. However, these people, as mentioned above, have likely lived through a narcissistic childhood themselves, which has led them to the pattern of ending up with other narcissists in adulthood. They don’t know anything else but being abused and controlled. Their skewed, lifelong belief system encourages them to accept that this type of family system is ‘normal’. Unless their level of awareness is somehow raised when it comes to narcissistic family dynamics, they are more likely than not to continue with the status quo. This certainly doesn’t excuse them from accountability or responsibility; however, it does offer a probable explanation for their behaviour.

The sad reality of the family members of a narcissist is that everyone, regardless of whether they understand the dynamics or not, lives a life of walking on egg shells, enduring abusive behaviour, and doing their best to avoid being targeted by the narcissist. It’s a no-win situation and one that causes great strain and damage, especially for children. And from this dysfunction is often born more dysfunctional patterns as people carry on from a narcissistic childhood to be drawn to partners, friends, etc. who tend to have narcissistic tendencies.

How does this ever get better, you may be asking yourself. Obviously, narcissism has been around for as long as human beings have existed. This is a long-standing issue. Awareness is the key. Social education on narcissism is crucial in order to allow people to recognize and make informed decisions on toxic people in their lives and then take steps to mitigate the damage to themselves and possibly help others in the process. It’s highly unlikely for a narcissistic person to change, but everyone around them has the option to make changes, big or small, in an effort to improve the quality of their lives. There’s no hard and fast rule to follow because everyone’s situation is unique; however, no one is required to forever suffer at the hands of a narcissist. Awareness and education on narcissism, together with support systems and professional assistance for people who have been damaged, can bring about hope and positive change.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

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If you decide to leave, there are resources available to assist and support you

April 17, 2021 / / 0 Comments

One of the most difficult situations I encountered after making the decision to leave my alcoholic and narcissistic spouse was finding my way out. We shared children, a home, vehicles and other assets, debts and several years of marriage. All of it felt incredibly overwhelming, and my fears and feelings ran the gamut from financial (many issues on this level, which left me feeling stuck) to emotional. The people in my life who knew about it at that time chose to ignore it – read that as my ‘narcissist of origin’ enjoyed watching me struggle. Others had no idea what I was dealing with because shame and fear kept me from disclosing the situation.

At a complete loss and feeling very fragile, I reached out to a local women’s shelter and thankfully found people willing to support me through the process of leaving an abusive partner. I was placed with an amazing social worker with the shelter who provided counselling without any fees (of note, CAMH is another organization that offers free-of-charge counselling – I spent a bit of time with them as well – and some private counselling services do have subsidized sessions based on income), helped me create a safe exit plan which could involve law enforcement if necessary, and made sure that every available resource was discussed. I can’t speak for all shelters but this particular one, whether you actually stayed there or just needed help from the outside, offered funds to pay for moving expenses (and help with the actual move) and initial rent and utility set-up bills as well as readying a home with some furnishings, groceries and other essential needs. If you require assistance and have no idea where to turn, don’t be afraid to contact a local shelter or other social service agency and ask what they might be able to help you with. There are so many people out there who are ready and willing to help.

I also attended a free legal resource centre in order to discuss with a lawyer my rights, obligations and creation of a separation agreement. In addition, a few months after leaving, I took the step to file the agreement, which had been signed by both my spouse and I in front of a witness, with the courts and then FRO (Financial Responsibility Office in Ontario) in order to ensure that child support payments would be made, which helped in the avoidance of struggles over it with my ex-spouse. Unfortunately, off the start, the child support was used as a tool to further abuse me both financially and emotionally. There were threats of it not being paid at all, or messages about delays in payment because his needs should come first, etc., which is why I took the step of filing the necessary documents and setting everything up with FRO. I refused to be further abused by or in regular contact with this person so I did my research and found yet another resource to facilitate my transition to freedom. Again, the resources are there but it’s often necessary to conduct research and then advocate for yourself to get where you need to be.

This is only a brief version of the steps I took in leaving. My goal in writing about it is to help with awareness that no one is alone when they choose to leave a narcissistic partner or family member. There are supportive resources available on many levels to aid individuals through the difficult transition of escaping from an abuser.

My advice is to not allow a lack of funds to hold you somewhere that you have chosen not to be. Reach out to friends, family, organizations – anyone you feel safe to discuss the situation with. They can help you and provide needed supports to move forward to a better, safer and more peaceful and healthy life.

Trust me – I know how grim and hopeless it feels when you have been abused by a narcissistic partner or family member, you have made the decision to end the relationship, and then you have no idea where to turn or what to do next. You’re likely already in a place of severe physical and mental exhaustion and possibly struggling with anxiety and depression as well as fear of retaliation, not to mention worrying about a major life change. Putting one foot in front of the other can feel like a significant challenge, let alone making plans and finding the means – financial, emotional, etc. – to leave and start over. My experience is that once I found support and began to feel an inkling of hope, momentum, strength and courage slowly but surely built up from there. Creating a safe plan of action and goals with my social worker gave me something to work towards. Even though I went though most of the initial part of the transition in somewhat of a fog and doing most of it on auto-pilot, I knew deep inside, despite my fears and apprehension, that a better life awaited my children and I. Turns out I was right. It didn’t happen overnight and the challenges obviously did not end immediately upon me leaving my spouse, but in time everything began to improve and my life changed in ways I had never imagined possible.

I created Natural Clarity Coaching to be an affordable support system, particularly for anyone dealing with narcissistic abuse and recovery, regardless of what stage of it they may be in. My fees are also on a sliding scale based on income (on the honor system – no need to divulge your financials). If you would like to know more, please don’t hesitate to contact me at na********************@***il.com. Initial consultations are free of charge, completely confidential and without any obligation. You don’t need to stay in an abusive situation because you believe there is nowhere to go, potentially a lack of funds to get you there, and no one to assist you, and it isn’t necessary to experience the processes of deciding to leave, leaving or recovery, without support. Reach out for whatever resources you need in order to get yourself to a better place and to further grow and thrive once you’re there.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Red flags and ultimate results of narcissistic abuse

April 15, 2021 / / 0 Comments

If you are/have been in a relationship with a narcissistically-inclined individual, here are some of the most common results:

  1. You believe that you can’t live without the other person. (codependence)
  2. The other person uses you as their scapegoat.
  3. You feel as though you are often under attack in a variety of ways (judged, criticized, devalued, made fun of, spoken to in a condescending fashion, made to feel like you’re a problem, told that you’re responsible for the other person’s feelings and issues, yelled at or spoken to in a harsh manner, etc.).
  4. You have regular feelings of anxiety, depression, worry and fearfulness.
  5. You don’t trust your judgments or abilities, and you begin to give up on yourself and view yourself as a failure.
  6. You no longer feel as though you have a voice.
  7. You feel as though you must somehow be deserving of the poor treatment.
  8. You fear being abandoned (trauma bonds).
  9. You lose touch with other people because this person has isolated you from them.
  10. You don’t feel like yourself anymore, which leaves you feeling lost and hopeless.
  11. The roller coaster ride of silent treatments and abusive behaviour mixed with love-bombing and ‘good days’ has you confused and disoriented.
  12. You feel as though you are always ‘running on empty’; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted (sometimes financially as well).
  13. You may develop complex PTSD (C-PTSD).

This is by no means an exhaustive list but it definitely includes some of the more common items experienced by those in a relationship with a narcissist, be it romantic, family, work, etc.

If you find yourself regularly experiencing these types of symptoms in relation to someone in your life, it would be beneficial to view them as red flags. Regardless of what someone may try to tell you to explain everything away or blame it on you, no one deserves to be treated with abuse and disrespect. If someone’s treatment and attitude towards you makes you feel badly about yourself or ‘less than’, the situation needs your attention and action. It may seem simpler to maintain the status quo and give the person the benefit of the doubt that they’re just ‘having a bad day’ or ‘didn’t mean it that way’, but it isn’t worth the price you will pay for this narcissistic treatment as time goes by. Narcissistic abuse is insidious. It creeps in and gradually breaks you down. Narcissists tend to prey on kind, forgiving and non-confrontational people, and they count on those traits to allow them to continue their abusive ways. By the time you really begin to notice the negative effects, you will already have been impacted, sometimes quite deeply, in a variety of ways.

Many of us, after the fact, wish that we had listened to our intuition and heeded the red flags that we noticed early on, rather than sweeping it all under the rug and trudging forward, allowing the acceptance of abuse as a way of life until it just feels ‘normal’. Trust your gut; it will set off alarm bells but you need to be willing to listen and believe it. Trust what you have noticed in someone and within your relationship. If something seems off, there’s a good chance that it is off. Take the time you need to assess a situation but don’t be afraid to walk away from it at any point. You have the right to your own choices and you owe it to yourself to do whatever is in your best interests. Forget about what anyone else thinks. Trust yourself. You are strong enough to make things work, no matter what happens. If you can avoid a narcissistic abuse situation, it’s so much preferred to anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, etc., and the years of therapy/coaching, self-help and soul-searching that will be needed after having gone through it.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Flying Monkeys – They can behave just as abusively as a narcissist

April 8, 2021 / / 0 Comments

You may have heard the term “flying monkeys”. Just who is this referring to? Flying monkeys refers to people who act on behalf of a narcissist against a third party, often in an abusive manner. The term originated with regard to the actual winged monkeys in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ movie, who were ordered to do the unpleasant bidding of the wicked witch, because she had cast a spell on them, against Dorothy and her friends.

Narcissists almost always have people ‘in their corner’. They spin wild stories about how they’ve been victimized, they outright lie to turn people against someone that has angered them or damaged their fragile ego, and then they often create a situation where someone (flying monkey/enabler) feels that they need to defend and join forces with the narcissist against the alleged victimizer (who is typically the actual victim). Now, I have also observed flying monkeys carry out abusive actions against someone that the narcissist dislikes simply because it temporarily quiets the narcissist and makes the life of the flying monkey less irritating for a time. It isn’t always about defending and protecting the narcissistic individual. Sometimes it’s just about shutting them up and taking the heat off the flying monkey in that moment.

When flying monkeys are prompted to be abusive towards a narcissist’s target, it can be equally as (or sometimes more) damaging as the narcissist’s abuse. Flying monkeys can be family members, friends, co-workers – people that are important to us. So it’s quite shocking and painful to be attacked by a loved one or someone who is close to us.

Depending upon the flying monkey’s relationship with the narcissist (and let’s assume that many of these people have no idea what a narcissist is, let alone that they’re caught up with one), many have their eyes opened to the reality of narcissism when the narcissist turns on them, or after they have been a part of more than one attack on others on the narcissist’s behalf and begin to question the situation. When it comes to the spouse/partner of a narcissist (again, they may have no idea that they’re involved with a narcissistic individual or know anything about narcissism), it’s more complicated. This individual is caught between a rock and a hard place. If they don’t join forces with their narcissistic partner/spouse against the target(s), they themselves risk becoming the target, being made miserable on the daily and possibly eroding their relationship with the narcissist (which can be upsetting, depending upon how much or how little they are aware of the dysfunctional dynamics). In the event that they choose to act against someone on behalf of the narcissist, particularly a family member, they will undoubtedly damage their relationship with that individual. It’s a no-win situation for a flying monkey within a family environment that includes a narcissistic partner.

Any of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse with the help of a flying monkey know all too well how hurtful it can be. My advice is to look at the big picture of where this all comes from. When you take a step back, the inner workings of this disordered system become very clear. If you can picture, within the family system, the flying monkey as stuck between a rock (their narcissist spouse/partner) and a hard place (the narcissist’s target, often the scapegoat child), it can make it much easier to process and understand. In other non-family situations, flying monkeys are generally oblivious to what is happening at the start. They have been manipulated into believing that the narcissist (a friend, co-worker, neighbour, etc.), who they may feel is a sweet, kind and wonderful person because of the fake persona the narcissist has shown them, is being victimized and they feel the need to defend them. At some point, they will likely see the light. In the meantime, it helps to recognize that these people are unaware of the truth of what is at play yet. Narcissists are good at hiding who they are when it suits their interests. There’s a pretty good chance that the flying monkey(s) that came after you will be on the receiving end of the very same narcissist’s wrath and new flying monkeys some day, too, and then it will all become abundantly clear to them.

When dealing with flying monkeys, try to keep in mind that they are often having the wool pulled over their eyes by the narcissist. They are being used and manipulated in the narcissist’s crusades against others; puppets being controlled by someone whose main goal in life is to protect their fragile ego at any and all costs. This isn’t to say that their ignorance excuses them from their actions against others at the urging of a narcissist; but when processing the damage that flying monkeys can do, it helps to understand where it all originates from.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

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