Tag: family scapegoat (Page 7 of 7)

The betrayal of a toxic family system

October 27, 2022 / Heather / 0 Comments

Toxic family systems bring with them SO much distress, pain, and harsh betrayal. Here’s a few of the reasons (set in the context of a narcissistic family) for why that happens:

A narcissist is at the helm and center of the family, ruling it with brutal control, manipulation, and constant drama. There’s virtually no peace to be found, particularly for the scapegoated child.
A narcissist parent typically has an enabling parent by their side. The enabler, in an effort to spare themselves and keep in good stead with the narcissist, will refuse to hear other perspectives, let alone protect or defend the scapegoat. Scapegoats are left feeling alone, without a voice, and ganged up on.
Scapegoats live a life filled with judgment, criticism, blame, and control. The narcissist parent targets them on a regular basis, while the enabling parent either joins forces with the narcissist or silently stands back and watches it happen.
Scapegoats are often pitted against the golden child(ren) of the family, and they are set up to lose every time. And if they stand up for themselves regarding their dislike for competition with family members, the narcissist parent may tell them that they’re weak and/or jealous of their sibling.
When a scapegoat takes a stand, the narcissist parent will come after them in some way. This may involve personal attacks, silent treatments, or smear campaigns. These tactics are used by narcissists to bring people back under their control.
Toxic family systems revolve around the narcissist or other disordered individual, and there is very little normalcy within this system. The irony is that toxic people will claim that the family is “perfect” and “better than other families”, leaving scapegoats and their siblings with a skewed picture of what healthy family systems should look like. From there, the scene is set for these individuals to go on to other dysfunctional relationships, thinking they’re ‘normal’ if they look like the system they grew up in.

Above all else, toxic families present the ultimate betrayal. They leave members, particularly scapegoats, feeling unloved, insignificant, alone, abused, confused, bullied, useless, responsible for all that is wrong in the family, and flawed beyond hope. And then all of these feelings and beliefs, based on the type of ‘love’ (which is not love at all) experienced in this family system, set members up to be at high risk for winding up in other toxic relationships as adults.

There is hope, though, no matter how much time has elapsed, and it starts with self-love. Toxic family systems, through their dysfunctional dynamics and behaviours, generally teach self-loathing and self-hatred. When we learn to love ourselves, we start on the path of setting ourselves free from the toxicity and false narratives. We deserve peace and love, and both of those things can be created from within ourselves.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

They make it about you because it can’t be about them

August 30, 2022 / Heather / 0 Comments

It’s intriguing how narcissistically-inclined individuals refuse to take the blame for anything, even when everyone involved is aware that they are clearly at fault. Definitely a case of ego protection. Fragile egos cannot withstand being wrong…ever. And one of the best add-ons to refusing to take the blame is often putting that blame onto others.

Using family as an example, if we happen to be the scapegoat, that makes us the ongoing target of narcissists or other toxic people who need to shift the direction in which fingers are pointing. Plus, it’s easy for a dysfunctional family to accept without question that the designated scapegoat is the problem, even without any evidence or so much as asking for their perspective on the matter at hand. This could also happen in the workplace, social situations, or other environments.

So the next time that you are blamed for something you didn’t do, say, or whatever the accusation entails, consider the source. Is this someone with a fragile ego? Have you thought of them being narcissistic in nature? Do they have to be ‘right’ at all costs in order to continue their mask of perfection? Have they dragged you into it as a scapegoat for their own behaviour? Or is this person a flying monkey, acting on behalf of a narcissist who’s trying to shift blame? If so, stay strong. Take the emotion out and consider the mechanics of it. When you look at the situation from a neutral state, it’s much less complicated to approach. Avoiding JADE-ing – Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain – will also be useful. None of that is necessary. Walk away if you can. Say as little as possible. Don’t engage with the blame projector or anyone who is encouraging or furthering their accusations. Hold your head high. People (particularly flying monkeys) will believe what they want to believe, no matter what we say or do. Know that this has nothing to do with you and you owe no one any explanations or apologies. If you absolutely need to speak for yourself, stick to the facts and leave that emotional component out of it.

And remember, they make it about you because they literally aren’t strong enough for it to be about them. They can’t be wrong. They refuse to be accountable as a result. This is a disordered person and, usually, their merry band of enablers on the sidelines. No amount of explaining, putting forward evidence, or pointing the finger will improve the situation. Narcissists and assorted other toxic people will not back down, especially if it involves their egos taking a hit. It helps to focus on being grateful that you don’t need to live your life like that. Think about how much energy is required to behave in that fashion and continually find ways to protect against any hits to the ego. Leave them to their devices and move forward. It isn’t easy to be blamed for other people’s actions. But accepting the blame is an entirely different aspect. Just because someone says it, doesn’t make it true, nor does it mean we need to accept it. Know yourself and stay loyal to who you are, regardless of whatever chaos may be swirling around.

Trust me when I say that the more you practice leaving the emotion out of interactions with narcissists or their supporters, the easier it gets to stay calm and not be affected by their behaviour. This leads to improved awareness and empowerment, which allows us the tools to avoid being trapped in the future webs of narcissists. Stay strong and aware, my friends! We’ve got this!