Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
Tag: empowerment (Page 10 of 15)
Hello All,
Thanks for being here. 🙂
RAIN is an acronym for a healing, meditative system for mindfulness and compassion regarding behaviours and thoughts that might be rooted in fear or other feelings. It stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. This is especially beneficial for those who are survivors of narcissistic abuse or other dysfunctional relationships because it is a gentle process that can be carried out alone and at any choice of pace.
The way it works is simple. We may at some point become aware, to whatever degree, of patterns of behaviour and thoughts that we are engaging in. There could be a catalyst that brings us to this awareness. Maybe we just had a massive blow-up with our partner or a friend. Maybe we always feel like a failure despite clear evidence to the contrary. It could be anything, or nothing at all. We may have simply arrived at this point of awareness and we’re ready to look more deeply at it. From here, we begin to recognize what might be happening. We are acknowledging that something is negatively affecting us. And we need to ask ourselves some questions from a non-judgmental state. Are we trying to control everything; to micromanage ourselves and others? Are we unintentionally harming ourselves or important relationships with others through challenging behaviours that also affect them? These are just a couple of questions we may ask ourselves but it will all depend on what we are doing and thinking, and in what context. This doesn’t need to be a full-blown self-inquiry. It can look like quiet but intentional thoughts or even a whisper.
The next step is to allow ourselves this state of recognition, without trying to understand it or label it. Just sit peacefully with it, in the absence of judgement or blame. This is somewhat of a purposeful pause in order to allow for deeper levels of attention. Fear might be showing itself. Anxiety may be hovering. We can allow ourselves to quietly observe anything that arises and acknowledge its presence within ourselves or certain situations.
Next is the investigative phase. Here, we can move on to investigating more about why we might be engaging in certain behaviours that may be causing issues for us. This is an opportunity for us to listen to our body and what it might be feeling. As the saying goes, “the issues are in our tissues”. Our bodies hold a record of our thoughts and emotions, good and bad. For example, is there tightness or discomfort in certain areas? If so, what do you think might be behind this; fear, anxiety, anger, hurt? Then ask a few simple questions. What is it that we believe about ourselves or situations that results in patterns of certain thoughts and behaviours that are not beneficial? Do we do “fill in the blank” out of fear? Are we concerned about losing control and having our worst fears come to fruition? Do we have childhood trauma from toxic role models and so we unconsciously act on messages that were unjustifiably funnelled to us as children, such as inadequacy, that we’re unlovable, abandonment, rejection, fear, and so on? Do we project unresolved, fear-based feelings from past experiences and relationships onto current relationships, inadvertently causing conflict in the present?
Lastly, we move to the nurturing process of the RAIN system. Here is the space where we show ourselves compassion and love after recognizing that we are suffering in some way. We need to ask our inner selves what is needed. Is it reassurance? Is it forgiveness? Is it engaging more in connections with others? Then we actively provide that care to ourselves. “You’re okay.” “This isn’t your fault”. “Trust yourself”. “It’s okay to reach out for connection”.
After the four RAIN steps have been completed, it’s important to simply feel our own presence and awareness. Hold onto that meditative state for as long as you need to. We don’t need to self-limit ourselves and our lives because of fear or other heavy feelings. We can seek them out within ourselves, sit with the new awareness, acknowledge our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and then nurture ourselves. In this process, we have the potential to move to new and improved spaces in our lives through self-acceptance, understanding, and compassion.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
References
Brach, T. (2020, January 1). RAIN: A practice of radical compassion. Tara Brach. https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/
A warm welcome to the new visitors to the site! I love Google Analytics for providing insight into website activities.
So, one topic that presents challenges for scapegoats is trust. When we’re treated as a scapegoat and/or abused by narcissists, whether it’s in a family or other relationship, it damages our ability to trust others. Here we are being treated unfairly by someone who’s supposed to love and care about us, but they use us as a patsy for their own behaviour. And they criticize, berate, and lie about us all for their own interests. Sometimes physical or other abuse is involved. There’s no loyalty coming from them to us. None. If it’s a parent, we may believe that their actions toward us are somehow justified. I mean, this is our parent. A supposed role model. Someone we should be able to trust and lean on. Someone who demands to be seen as wise and all-knowing. And yet the person they portray us to be is not anything like who we feel we are. That creates a great deal of dissonance. Then, because we’ve been taught to respect this person and “do as we’re told”, we feel guilty for even questioning them in our minds. And they will be quite willing to pile more guilt on just to keep us held down. Their behaviour towards us – control, manipulation, gaslighting, projecting, etc. – is all meant to keep us in line and under their thumb. They may try to mask it as concern, love, discipline, or whatever else, but it’s all about keeping us firmly entrenched in our scapegoat role.
If we go on to other relationships with narcissists (which is quite common because it’s familiar), this cycle will continue. Abuse, blame, guilt. At some point, it’s only human to want to stop trusting people, unless we’re fortunate enough to have people in our lives who happen to be the real deal and wouldn’t hurt us for all the money in the world. There’s only so much our psyches can take before we need to protect ourselves. That’s perfectly normal. Upsetting, but normal.
How do we learn to trust people? One big piece of advice is to take your time when we’re getting to know new people. And when it comes to people who have proved to us over and over that they can’t be trusted, but they’re suddenly saying they’ve ‘changed’, we need to keep their past behaviour in mind before we let down our guard. There truly are good people out there in the world. We just need to listen to our intuition and past experience. We need to trust ourselves and our ability to make good judgments. And if red flags turn up along the way, we have every right to remove ourselves from whatever the situation may be. Don’t worry about hurt feelings or someone getting peeved. We need to take care of ourselves, and that includes protection from people who we feel may hurt us.
In childhood, we don’t often have protection from a narcissistic parent. Family members and other relatives tend to go along with the narrative. But we may luck out and have at least one family member who’s in our corner for support, even if they do so out of sight of the narcissist. If not, we may have friends we can turn to for support. In other relationships, we may believe that the ‘love’ we were given by a narcissist is what love should look like. As a result, we may inadvertently end up with more narcissists. And that’s okay. We all learn as we go. Once we recognize toxic people, abuse, cycles, patterns, scapegoating, and so on, we can forgive ourselves for not recognizing it because it was all we knew and what we thought was ‘normal’. And then we can do our best to keep ourselves safe from that point forward. We may at some point be tricked by another toxic person, even when we thought we had a handle on knowing what to look for. That’s okay. We forgive ourselves again and we move on. We save our trust for people who deserve it.
Yes, being a scapegoat is a difficult experience. Look at it this way, though – imagine being a narcissist or other toxic, miserable type of person. Having to control and manipulate others just to feel some sense of security. Protecting a fragile ego at all costs. Hurting people over and over again. No, thanks! Even though they hurt us, at least we can learn, grow, and become stronger, kinder people. They also provide us with a spectacular model of who we don’t ever want to be. They’re absolutely stuck where they are. Very few toxic people ever change. We have so many opportunities for changing and adapting. That’s such a gift.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
When it comes to self-care, exercise, nutrition, sleep, and stress management are major components. Self-care can sometimes be challenging to quantify and keep track of, though. I’ve found over the years that fitness trackers are great tools for ensuring that my self-care efforts are at the level I want them to be. For instance, my current tracker keeps a record of steps taken. Heart rate is also tracked, which then gives me a good idea of my resting heart rate as well as the zones entered for fat burning, etc. during exercise. It also gives me a really good reference for my sleep habits, from duration and time spent in different phases (light, deep, REM, awake), to snoring (lol), restlessness, and other things. There is a Menstrual Health Tracker as well. Food and water intake can be logged into a related subscription app, allowing me to tweak calorie consumption and hydration levels as needed. Additionally, the tracker provides access to what’s going on with my heart rate during periods of stress, which can prompt me to employ relaxation techniques like deep breathing. It’s really quite amazing to watch my heart rate drop when I take deep breaths and consciously attempt to relax my body. It’s great evidence that these techniques really work! Plus, the app I use keeps a record of the tracked information so that I can view long-term trends. On the tech side, it has GPS and an ECG app, text/call/app notifications, Alexa and Google Assistant, to name a few. There’s so many great things to say about these gadgets.
If you’re in the market for a fitness tracker to accompany you on your self-care journey, I can recommend the Fitbit Sense because it’s the model I’ve had for about 1.5 years. It’s a great-quality product, and the Fitbit app is simple to access and use (free for six months with purchase of new Fitbit, then around $12-13 CDN per month). Also, I haven’t noticed any decline in the ability of the battery to hold a charge. And for anyone who’s interested, you can purchase a variety of bands and screen covers for it in different colours, materials, and styles. Fitness trackers can be as stylish as you want them to be.
In my experience, having a fitness tracker really opened my eyes to so many positives (and negatives that needed improvement) with regard to my self-care. I can’t imagine not having one. You can view them here: https://amzn.to/3yKFZEB (copy and paste link into browser to access details).
If a fitness tracker isn’t of interest to you, consider using online trackers or good, old-fashioned pen and paper to keep track of managing your self-care.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
In many cases within a dysfunctional family system, the individual who is silently labelled as the scapegoat or black sheep will be a truth-teller. By this, I mean someone who tells their truth at any cost, even when it comes to the dysfunctions of their family of origin or a close relationship with a partner or friend.
Given that narcissists, for example, create their own self-serving realities and expect everyone to accept them without question, a truth-teller is an aggravation to them. This may be one of the reasons why the scapegoat or black sheep was targeted in the first place. Who better to hold accountable for all the family’s or relationship’s problems than someone who has the power to blow the whistle on the entire system? So the scapegoat is perpetually discredited and made to look like a liar, or even “crazy”, in order to protect the narcissist’s (or other toxic person’s) carefully crafted persona and to carry on the family or relationship roles and systems.
I say, embrace truth-telling. There will always be people who dislike the truth because it doesn’t fit their narrative. So be it. It isn’t the end of the world. Over time, many of us who are scapegoated, black sheep, truth-tellers eventually separate ourselves from our toxic family of origin (or other relationships in our lives) because we realize that no matter what we say or do to simply be ourselves or defend ourselves, those dynamics will continue. As long as we continue to speak our truth, we will be targeted, blamed, and have smear campaigns launched against us by some people.
In the end, we need to be true to ourselves. And that includes being truth-tellers and often means going no contact or low contact with certain people. Is that challenging? It definitely can be. Is it impossible? Nope. And, in my experience, it will bring more peace and calm into daily life than was ever experienced in the past.  That’s worth its weight in gold.
Don’t be afraid to be a truth-teller. And just know that if someone doesn’t like hearing your truth, especially about dysfunctional family or relationship systems, it’s probably because they feel threatened by it. That’s their issue, not yours. And don’t forget about self-care if you’re in the midst of challenges. Here’s a great book that you might want to consider for ideas: https://amzn.to/3n2B92Y. (Just copy and paste the link into your browser and it will direct you to the book.)
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
Hi All,
I thought it might be beneficial to write a post about attachment within dysfunctional families, particularly with narcissists.
Attachment theory is based in psychology and looks at the relationship between a primary caregiver and their baby. There are different stages of attachment, moving from birth to around two years of age. Although there are four defined styles of attachment, both avoidant and dismissive attachment are the most common for children of narcissists. These are insecure attachments, as compared to secure attachment with caregivers on which a child can depend.
Avoidant attachment involves a style of the child showing absolutely no preference for their caregiver or a complete stranger. Often, this is created by caregivers who are neglectful and/or abusive.
Disorganized attachment looks like a mixture of behaviour, seeming at times confused or disoriented. Due to caregivers who have made a child fearful of them, this style can result in the desire to defend oneself while still wanting to reach out to and form attachments with others.
Beyond the age of two, avoidant attachment often includes avoidance of seeking help from others because the individual needed to learn to be independent when their caregiver was never there for them. Disorganized attachment individuals may display disassociation and/or symptoms of PTSD.
As adults, these attachment patterns, which formed at a young age, stay with us. This often results in the recreation of these attachment/relationship styles throughout our lives, particularly in romantic interactions. They shape how we see ourselves and others.
With insecure attachments, we may have more stress hormones, negative self-perception, and difficulties with emotions, cognition, and behaviour. Anxiety, depression, and PTSD are also common outcomes.
So, where does this leave us? When we become aware of these attachment styles and how they can impact us on many levels, we can learn to get out in front of them. We can change our perspectives and perceptions. We have the power and the tools to overcome these patterns. Two of the main things we need are awareness and a desire to improve our situation. Stop and think when an automatic response to a situation arises within: why is it that I’m feeling this way? Is it a lifetime habit based in my childhood? Is there another, more positive and healthy reaction that could be chosen? What are the actual feelings at play here, rather than habitual reactions?
There is hope. It can and does get better. Here’s a link to a book on the subject: https://amzn.to/3JcVfid.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
Hi All,
Just leaving this here (click to watch or check it out on my Instagram or TikTok pages – Natural Clarity Coaching):
New posts coming soon!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
Childhood abuse and trauma, together with cumulative negative experiences with toxic people as our lives move forward, often results in an exaggerated physiological response to stressful situations. Our emotional reactions register within our mind and body, and this can also lead to mental and/or physical illnesses.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, shows “how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust”. This is a great book with beneficial insights into the workings of stress and trauma on our bodies and minds. (Amazon Link to this book: https://amzn.to/3SHQIsE).
When we are aware of how abuse, stress, and trauma can affect our minds and bodies, we have the opportunity to minimize our exposure to these situations and/or learn how to successfully manage it in our lives. There are many helpful activities that we can engage in, which I have discussed in previous posts, that include deep breathing, mindfulness, self-care, talking with a trusted individual, and so on. We are empowered when we learn about the impacts of certain negative situations on our wellbeing, and then take steps to minimize those impacts. Protecting ourselves from harm is imperative, and we have the right to take steps to keep ourselves safe.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
Hi All,
Hope this finds you well. Thanks to everyone who has recently joined the mailing list and to the increasing numbers of people who are touching down on the website.
Just letting you know that I’m working on a new program to be offered online. I’ll post an announcement once it’s up and running. I think it will be a beneficial program, and I’m looking forward to launching it in the next few months.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
Why am I the scapegoat in my family? Many of us ask ourselves this question on an ongoing basis. And while there are not usually black and white explanations for ending up in this role, there are some common possibilities.
We may be the scapegoat simply because our narcissistic parent needed one and chose us. Scapegoats may also be chosen due to things beyond their control, such as gender, birth order, appearance, personality, intelligence, or any other characteristic. Why? Because narcissists are easily intimidated and want to reduce threats to their fragile egos. We may be chosen as scapegoat simply because the narcissist feels threatened by us. Or we may remind them of something they dislike about themselves (not something they’d admit out loud, of course), or something they like about themselves and want to continue to feel that they’re superior. The goal is to keep the scapegoat held down so that they can’t outshine anyone.
So, the best answer to the question at play here is that there is no way of knowing exactly why we’re chosen as scapegoats. But one thing is for certain; whatever the reason is, it has absolutely nothing to do with us. Scapegoats are targeted by toxic people because we’re perceived as a threat. Maybe it’s about looks or accomplishments or athleticism or intelligence or…or…or…and the list goes on. But that’s not our problem. That’s their issue.
Shine, people! Don’t ever believe that you’re flawed, or not good enough, or that you’ve done something to deserve the scapegoat role you’ve been given within your family of origin. It literally has nothing to do with you. So be you, live your life to its fullest, and don’t ever dim your light for anyone.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter