When we stand up for ourselves within a toxic family system – for instance our family of origin, especially one headed by a narcissist – there is almost definitely going to be fallout. This is especially true if we’re the scapegoat. Then we will likely be faced with silent treatments, guilt and shame tactics, other abusive behavior, and basically being ganged up on by our family members. Everyone will want things to return to what they were previously. Change in these systems tends to make everyone feel unsettled and anxious, typically because when the leader is a narcissist, they will do anything to avoid losing control of the situation. They become more angry, unreasonable, aggressive, and demanding, and their moody behavior knows no bounds. So they will wage war against us, using other family members as pawns and flying monkeys, in the hope that we will give in and they can return to complete control of us and everyone else in the family.
The above is pretty much a given for anyone going up against a disordered family unit. Preparing for it can make a big difference. When we know what the fallout will look like, we can ready ourselves for it. Whether it’s an onslaught of angry chatter or radio silence, being mentally prepared for whatever may come our way will make the process somewhat easier. Mental strength is a big advantage when it comes to these types of situations. Keep aware of the dynamics, hold that head high, and stay the course.
Reminding ourselves that we are worthy of love, respect, and kindness can be helpful, too. Also, try to remember why we’re standing up to a system that causes hurt on an ongoing basis. Believe it or not, there will be better things on the other side of these situations. Peace is often waiting there, quite possibly for the first time in our lives, although it may initially feel uncomfortable and awkward. Eventually we will come to embrace peace and protect it at all costs.
So if you’re at the point, or in the middle of, standing up to a dysfunctional and toxic family system or relationship, be strong and be prepared for fallout. It won’t be easy, and you’ll likely, at some point in the process, question if it’s worth doing, but viewing it as taking steps to better days can be beneficial. You’ve got this!
Until next time,
Heather
~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
As I’ve been working on my university summer term courses, a lot of great post ideas have popped into my mind. So, I’ll try to get them into writing sooner rather than later whenever I have an opportunity.
Many of us who have grown up in dysfunctional families with a narcissist at the helm, or have been involved with friends or romantic partners who have narcissistic tendencies, may, at some point, look back at the red flags that we bulldozed over in the past. We typically see them clearly in hindsight, but at that point in time when they originally appeared, we will quite likely have run them over with great gusto and without so much as a second conscious thought. Is it that we don’t want to see them? Or do we spin them into something more positive and palatable than some pesky cautionary warning so that they’re more acceptable to us for the time being? Or are we maybe so caught up in avoiding conflict or losing a relationship that we do what we need to in the moment to squash those red flags like bugs?
Whatever coping technique we use, they all have the same effect: we can move on, quite possibly with our heads essentially in the sand, and maintain the status quo or give that toxic person just one more chance. Maybe this time they’ll see the light and change for the better?! Or just maybe we were too sensitive (gah – don’t narcissists love to put that label on us when we call them out?!) or misunderstood what they said or did and it was a simple mistake on our part?! Maybe…maybe…maybe. We ‘maybe’ ourselves into more hurt every time.
The truth of the matter is that narcissists rarely change. I don’t want to say ‘never change’ because … well, I try to avoid absolutes like ‘never’ or ‘always’. It’s too easy to use those words when you grew up listening to them or heard them often in a toxic relationship. Let’s just say that chances are that most narcissists won’t change because it requires insight and accountability that just doesn’t come easily to them. Once again, their fragile egos don’t allow for being ‘wrong’.
So if we want to possibly avoid the hurt and damage that goes along with relationships with narcissists, we need to do ourselves a favour and quit obliterating those red flags once and for all. Stop driving the bulldozer, take off the rose-colored glasses, and acknowledge when someone regularly behaves in a damaging way that we know isn’t loving and kind. We need to look at people realistically and rationally, call a spade a spade, and then decide how to deal with the situation with our best interests at heart. If we have children in the mix, our best interests and theirs are intermingled. Forget about keeping the peace, or being the ‘nice’ person in order to continue a negative relationship, or sticking around because of fear of ending up alone. Bottom line, if something someone says or does causes us pain, that behaviour needs to be looked at honestly, and it needs to happen asap. No excuses, no giving it time, no burying it. In the name of self-care and love for ourselves, those red flags need to be dealt with. If that means confronting someone, then so be it. If it entails ending a relationship or going low contact, that needs to happen. Sometimes we’ll need help to take action, and that’s when we should reach out to trusted people for whatever help we need. We have the right to protect ourselves, regardless of what disordered people may try to make us believe. If we wouldn’t stand back and watch our sister, mother, daughter, brother, father, son, other loved ones, or friends be treated the way that someone is treating us, then we need to grant ourselves that same love, protection, and respect.
See those red flags and take action. We owe it to ourselves to stop careening over them and looking the other way. I can’t stress enough that, in the end, we will pay a price for our acceptance of toxic behaviour and our choice of inaction (and, yes, inaction is still a choice).
It’s so great to see the analytics showing ever-increasing numbers of readers on this website. Beyond the cathartic exercise it is for me, it’s nice to know that other people may be benefiting from it as well.
I wanted to touch on low and no contact with toxic family members or partners. When we make a decision to protect ourselves and set boundaries, particularly with disordered people such as narcissists, there is a high probability that our action of distancing ourselves will not be accepted and will, in fact, result in heightened toxic behaviour. Most narcissistically-inclined individuals, their enablers, and any flying monkeys they may have will almost certainly push hard against any barriers we have created. They will likely also try to guilt-trip and shame us in the hope that we will return to the fold and our role of scapegoat, etc.
Sadly, we shouldn’t hold out too much hope that our efforts may possibly result in positive changes in behaviour for the toxic person or people we are holding at arm’s length. That rarely happens, particularly with narcissists, because they typically refuse to be self-aware or accountable for anything. Quite frankly, they will be more likely to be increasingly abusive and blame us even more than usual if we take a stand against them. They don’t want to lose control of us and they will fight tooth and nail to maintain the status quo.
With going low or no contact, we also need to be prepared to lose enablers of the person or people we are distancing ourselves from. If it’s a toxic parent, we may, temporarily or permanently, lose our other parent (the enabler) as well. Sometimes it’s a sacrifice that needs to be made in order to save ourselves from further harm. It’s difficult and painful but often necessary. A toxic family system never reacts well to someone stirring things up, and then it’s all hands on deck to put things back in order at any cost. I mean, what would they do without their scapegoated black sheep to bear the blame for every problem that the narcissist manufactures?
The bottom line is that when we go no contact or low contact with abusive people, it’s for our benefit … period. Creating that safe space for ourselves is what we need in order to clear away the fog of gaslighting and negativity so that we can clearly hear our own thoughts and and feel our own feelings for a change. That, along with a taste of freedom and peace, can be empowering, which then gives us further strength to move forward in a positive direction while we continue to protect ourselves from toxicity.
No or low contact is an extremely personal choice that should not be made lightly. But know for sure that escaping toxic family or relationship dynamics is never without its benefits.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
I don’t usually write specifically about my personal experiences with narcissists. However, here we go.
In honor of my growth mindset perspective and in direct opposition to biases fed to me over the course of many years, I recently reached out to family members who I was not given the opportunity to know throughout my childhood and beyond. It has been an amazing experience. Despite the lengthy amount of time that had elapsed, these people welcomed me with open arms. I have been able to start on a journey of not only knowing new perspectives of my family history, but also having the gift of these people in my life.
Without hesitation, if you so desire, I would recommend this journey. Has a narcissist kept you from getting to know someone that you wanted to have in your life? Has a narcissist been instrumental in destroying a relationship with someone important to you? If you want this person in your life, consider reaching out to them. Don’t be afraid to offer up an explanation as to your perspective on the situation (the narcissist) and why you would like to make a positive change. Show honesty and courage. Let that person know that they matter to you and that you want them in your life, despite what happened in the past. Life is too short to let narcissistic actions take people away from you permanently.
I’ll be back with new posts soon. As always, if you have requests for posts, send them through a comment here or by email to na********************@***il.com.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
Just dropping in to let you know that if you have any specific requests for topics that you’d like me to write on, please feel free to send me an email at na********************@***il.com or leave a comment on this post. I tend to write about whatever pops into my mind on any given day. However, I’d love to create posts based on requests as well. They would, of course, not include information about who made the request, etc.
So please feel free to touch base through an email or comment on this post if you have any topics that you’d like me to write about.
Looking forward to hearing from you! New posts coming soon!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter.
Hi all! I’m taking a break from writing university course research essays to … well, to write a post. Ironic, isn’t it?
So, one of the key ways to address any dealings you need to have with a narcissist is to try to leave emotion out of the interaction. Narcissists thrive on our reactions when they’ve pushed our buttons; the more emotional the response, the better, as far as they’re concerned. It makes them feel as though they’ve controlled us and “got their own way”. And, when it comes down to it, that’s very true. When we allow a narcissist to bait us into an emotional response, we are literally handing over our power. That’s exactly the reaction they always hope for, and we sometimes fall into their traps. Let’s face it – it isn’t easy to deal with a narcissist at the best of times, and they always seem to know just what to say to upset us. That’s one of the most common characteristics of narcissists.
Here’s the thing, though: when we go into an interaction with someone we believe to be toxic, if not narcissistic, we have the choice to arm ourselves with the promise that no matter what is said or done, we will not react from an emotional level. This tactic may need to be repeated a few times because most narcissists won’t give up after just one unemotional response. But, eventually, they will lose interest in attempting to draw us into their game. When they don’t get any control or other benefits from trying to force an emotional reaction, they get bored. They are getting nothing out of it anymore. More than likely, they’ll move on to someone else who will give them the response they’re hoping for.
Trust me – this gets easier and more automatic the more you do it. It takes practice but it’s very possible to master it. And the self-control and strength it will give you is amazing. It’s empowering.
So, give it a try if you feel like it’s important to you. Take back your power by not feeding the trolls. You’ll be shocked by how great it feels to turn those tables and flip that script! Good luck!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
Where I live, Family Day is celebrated. It is essentially a day to take a rest from work and spend time with family. That day is today, February 21st.
For anyone else living where this occasion is observed, Happy Family Day to you!!
I’d like to take this opportunity, though, to mention that who we include in our lives as ‘family’ is truly up to us. Our blood relatives may indeed be part of that group, but they can just as easily not be. Because ‘family’ should be people who love, respect, value, and care about us. Sadly, that doesn’t always come in the form of people to whom we’re related. Family can be partners, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and everyone in between. We have the power to make the call on who is a member of what we consider to be our family unit.
Family
So if you’re celebrating Family Day today, enjoy some much-needed downtime and enjoy the moments with whoever you call family.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
As I sit down to write this post here in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, I’m looking out at several inches of newly fallen snow (after a day of rain) with hope that the police and protestors involved in the Freedom Convoy in the downtown core will interact as peacefully as possible. After three weeks of trucks and protestors occupying the city center, it’s difficult to guess what the final results of the ramped up police efforts of yesterday and today will ultimately be.
On to today’s post. For anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, many of which have a narcissist at the helm, the feeling of being wrong all the time is a familiar one, particularly when it comes to emotions and opinions. We were, as children, and may still be as adults, often told what to feel or what not to feel, that our opinions and beliefs are incorrect unless they fit with a certain description, and typically that we are at fault for anything considered to be an issue within the family unit. Many of us will have been asked the question, “what did you do?” at every turn. It isn’t uncommon to be told that we’ve been the main problem within the family since we came into the world. Yes, indeed, as newborn babies we were a ‘problem’ and that trend apparently just continued throughout our lives. Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn’t it? And yet that’s what many dysfunctional families, particularly those with narcissists, would have us, the scapegoats, believe. Why? Because that way the person or people who are actually the ongoing troublemaker(s) and their loyal followers can avoid accountability or any need to look at themselves or change their toxic behavior. As long as there’s someone else to constantly put the blame on, they can continue with their dysfunctional ways.
Where does a lifetime of being told we’re wrong and always at fault tend to lead us? Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, accepting unjustified blame from other toxic people who may come into our lives, believing that everything that goes wrong around us must have been caused by us in some way, and an overall feeling that our opinions and beliefs are quite simply wrong or that we don’t have a right to speak up or be heard.
Here’s the truth of the matter: we aren’t wrong any more than anyone else is; we don’t have to accept the blame or take accountability for things we didn’t say or do; we have a right to our opinions and beliefs, whether or not they fit with those of other people, and to be heard when we choose to speak up. We shouldn’t be robbed of the benefits of confidence and self-esteem simply because making ourselves small and accepting blame allows a narcissist to keep up their facade and to manipulate and control us and others in our environment. Yes, there will always be ‘flying monkeys’ who will go along with toxic people in their campaigns against us. That doesn’t make them right and us wrong, though. It’s simply the way this type of dysfunctional system operates.
We can live our lives fully and feel good about ourselves in spite of the messages conveyed to us as children and onward through our lives. The fact of the matter is that those messages of constant blame and shame are what iswrong. No one should be made to feel like a black sheep and scapegoated at every turn, especially when the main agenda at play is to maintain and strengthen the role of a narcissist or other toxic individual.
Scapegoat
How do we defend ourselves against these messages or undo the results of years of finger-pointing? Take a step back and really consider these messages from an unemotional and neutral space. For example, could a person have been a ‘problem’ in their family of origin from the moment of their birth? Nope. Could anyone always be ‘at fault’ and ‘wrong’, creating all problems within a family in every moment of every day? Nope. Could one person’s opinions be consistently ‘wrong’ and not worth hearing? Again, nope. You get the gist of what I’m trying to say. These messages from dysfunctional families to their scapegoated member(s) are ridiculous and without merit or sense. The truth of the matter is that we, as scapegoats, are chosen by a narcissistic parent or other toxic individual as a scapegoat, others are convinced to believe this to be the case in order to stay in line with the narcissist/toxic person, and then it becomes ‘the way it is’ so that the family unit can limp along with some form of consistency while ensuring the continued reign of a disordered leader. It has nothing to do with us or who we are and everything to do with our dysfunctional family of origin.
If we continue looking at these negative behaviors and messages from an unemotional standpoint and from a space of neutrality, we undoubtedly begin to see how this unfair family system operates. From there, we need to start trying to unravel the webs of this system that are within each of us as a result of this unjustified and abusive treatment. When we take action for ourselves and our well-being, it’s amazing how quickly we can become empowered with self-esteem, confidence, and the knowledge that we have every right to hold space in this world with our own opinions, beliefs and feelings. If we need help in the process, there are always resources available – counsellors, life coaches, online support groups, self-help books, etc.
Being scapegoated by one’s family is a challenging and unjustifiable experience, but we are all strong enough to save ourselves from a lifetime of being burdened by it. If we believe in ourselves, our rights, and a better future, and if we seek out help when needed, the sky’s the limit.
My university courses are keeping me quite busy these days and yet the ideas for blog posts continue to flow. So, here we go!
One of the things that commonly holds people in a toxic romantic relationship is fear of change and of being alone. Many hold on to their current situation because they believe that starting over would be worse. Others may seek out new partners prior to leaving, in an effort to have a new relationship to run to, which generally won’t end well because we aren’t in the right place to make it work. That’s not fair to us or the new person we’ve escaped to.
Starting a new chapter can be an amazing opportunity, particularly when the last chapter involved abuse. And a new chapter started independently can be beneficial as well. Being on our own allows us to get to know ourselves, possibly in ways we had never experienced in the past. Once we get to know ourselves and grow into that knowledge, we will often find that there were patterns in our lives that led us down certain paths, some of which were undoubtedly not healthy for us. Time on our own can help us to build self-esteem and the clarity to spot red flags with new people who come into our lives so that we always have the tools to stand strong, put up boundaries, and protect ourselves from future harm.
An especially important part of leaving and then healing from any toxic relationship is a support system. However, many of us who have grown up in a dysfunctional family have learned that expressing emotions is not acceptable and we will often have been met with diminishing comments about how weak we are for having feelings, or maybe a flat-out refusal to even acknowledge that we are in a difficult emotional space. There’s also a good chance of being blamed for our situation, which is ironic, given that our choice of partners is typically a result of dysfunctional family experiences and belief systems handed down to us regarding the treatment we’re expected to accept from loved ones. If we’re allowed to speak of our troubles, we might also be ridiculed or have our experiences spewed out to any number of other people in the form of gossip. So the focus should be on finding a support system that we can lean on and trust. Maybe that’s an anonymous online forum or support group, a counsellor or coach, a trusted friend or family member; whoever it may be, it’s always beneficial to get our feelings out so that we can gain perspective and strength and begin healing. In the event that we aren’t yet ready to say any of it out loud or we haven’t yet found a safe space in which to do so, journaling can be helpful. Even if our feelings get written down and then we shred or burn the pages afterwards, the benefit comes from having expressed ourselves. Picture it as a form of release of negativity and hurt, helping us move forward.
Don’t be afraid of new chapters or going solo. Yes, it’s unnerving; the unknown can cause us to feel immense worry and concern. But just know that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. At the risk of sounding like a broken record from previous posts, make self-love and self-care priorities in your life. Find the courage to push forward to something better. We’re always stronger than we may give ourselves credit for. Find your support system in whatever form you feel safe with. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that new opportunities are around every corner. Eventually, you will find yourself in a better place, even if you need to fake it ’til you make it. Just don’t be deterred by fear of change or being on your own. As the saying goes, when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. Perspective is an amazing tool when we choose to utilize it.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
I have written posts on this subject in the past but I feel that it’s important enough to repeat. If you’ve been or are currently being damaged by a toxic individual, your most important priority should be healing and getting on with your life, and not the ‘why’s’ of that person’s behaviour. I see a lot of programs online with a major focus on the narcissist and asking questions about their thought processes when they cause damage to others. The truth is that narcissists and other toxic people are disordered and broken. Hurt people hurt people. It has nothing to do with who they hurt and everything to do with protecting their fragile egos. It really is that simple. Once we understand and accept this, our own healing should be at the forefront, along with making decisions about who is in our life and to what extent.
It’s easy and very common to get pulled into the habit of trying to analyze and understand the words and actions of someone who has caused us damage, especially when it’s someone we love. Another reaction is often a desire to help this person to see the error of their ways and how much pain they’ve caused us so that they can (hopefully) change for the better. Sadly, toxic people, narcissists in particular, rarely change, especially in any permanent, positive way. Improving themselves requires introspection, and their sensitive egos, with their need to always be right and superior, couldn’t possibly handle being wrong about anything. They need to make everyone else the scapegoat or the ‘bad guy’ because being accountable isn’t part of their vocabulary. In fact, any suggestion of them being responsible for negativity could very likely result in them lashing out even more.
So whether you will continue to have a toxic person in your life, or to go low or no contact with them, try to focus on protecting yourself from future damage and healing from the past. Honestly, the effort to understand a narcissist’s words/actions in any depth is a waste of precious time because, quite frankly, they have no depth. Their behaviour is always about one thing and one thing only: protecting their ego. They operate in this pattern in every relationship in their lives, from family to work to friendships to romantic partners to that stranger whose car they just backed into in a parking lot.
You deserve to heal and enjoy your life. Prioritize yourself. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. And make those tough decisions about who you allow in your life because that will set the tone for either peace or discontent. It’s your call. You have that power so use it wisely.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
