Hi all,
I’ve been busy working on various projects and realized it had been a bit since I wrote a post.
So, for those of us who are estranged from or not looking forward to spending time with a dysfunctional family or certain members, special occasions come with mixed and challenging feelings. We may even dread them. If no-contact has been the choice, then, for the people who are not part of our life, there won’t be any celebrations of mother’s or father’s day, to name a couple that take place this time of year. On the other hand, if low-contact or interactions with strong boundaries are the current way of things, then dealing with these occasions will likely be happening.
Regardless of a person’s current situation with family – beyond dysfunction, some people’s parents have passed or they’ve lost children, for example – occasions like mother’s and father’s days can be difficult.
What are some ways of getting through, whether it’s full no-contact or a tense family gathering?
- Prepare for it mentally. Get plenty of sleep beforehand, hydrate, be realistic about what you might encounter and how you will deal with it (ie. deep breathing, keeping conversation and emotion to a minimum, leaving if necessary, finding other things to do alone or with other family or friends, etc.).
- Know your boundaries and hold to them. Toxic people love to push boundaries and it helps to be prepared for that eventuality, whether it’s happening in real time or there’s fall-out after the fact. Enabling parents and flying monkeys come out of the woodwork more often around special occasions, too. The simple fact of the matter is that each of us has the right to decide who can be in our life, and if someone is toxic and unhealthy for us, then we have the choice to disallow their access to us. If they don’t like it and if they send their lackeys to do their bidding, so be it. We can still hold strong. If it’s protection of ourselves and/or our children or other loved ones, that’s what we need to focus on rather than all of the noise and smear campaigns that come from toxic people and their army of yes-people when they don’t get their way.
- Don’t stick around or allow guests to stay in your home if there is a need to bring festivities to an end. Respect your needs and expect respect from others, particularly if they’re in your home.
- Remember to celebrate yourself if you’re a parent or for other celebratory events! These occasions aren’t only about other people; they apply to you, too. Growing up in a dysfunctional family may have created the impression that only certain people matter enough to be celebrated; bury that inaccurate narrative in a deep hole, fill it in, and then add some cement over the top!
- Go for a walk or have a relaxing bath after all is said and done – whatever works for you. Self-care can work wonders, and it doesn’t take much to have a big effect.
- If unpleasant words were spoken to you by or on behalf of a toxic person, try not to ruminate over them. Consider the source, allow yourself to see the dynamics behind the words, and then let them go and don’t give them any further energy.
Remember that if you were once a scapegoat/black sheep for your family of origin and you have stepped out of the role, remaining family members will typically want to pull you back in so that the status quo can be continued. Their dynamics will be off and they want to right them again. Special occasions are always a great opportunity for them to put things into action. That doesn’t mean that the once-scapegoat needs to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the greater good. Not at all. Scapegoats have the right to take their lives back, find peace, and keep it that way. Going back to dysfunctional situations for the sake of making other people happy (and, honestly, they aren’t “happy”) isn’t fair or healthy. If the situation had been good, we never would have left. Always keep that in mind. And, sadly, most toxic people and their enablers and golden children don’t change for the better. Going back into the fold won’t change anything. All it does is undo personal progress and cause stress and emotional struggles. It’s always best not to allow special occasions to pull us back in to a space that we thought long and hard about leaving in the first place.
No matter what this coming weekend looks like for you, know that you’re not alone and you’re stronger than you know.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
Above all else, toxic families present the ultimate betrayal. They leave members, particularly scapegoats, feeling unloved, insignificant, alone, abused, confused, bullied, useless, responsible for all that is wrong in the family, and flawed beyond hope. And then all of these feelings and beliefs, based on the type of ‘love’ (which is not love at all) experienced in this family system, set members up to be at high risk for winding up in other toxic relationships as adults.