Tag: toxic families (Page 1 of 2)

Let it RAIN

March 30, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hello All,

Thanks for being here. 🙂

RAIN is an acronym for a healing, meditative system for mindfulness and compassion regarding behaviours and thoughts that might be rooted in fear or other feelings. It stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. This is especially beneficial for those who are survivors of narcissistic abuse or other dysfunctional relationships because it is a gentle process that can be carried out alone and at any choice of pace.

The way it works is simple. We may at some point become aware, to whatever degree, of patterns of behaviour and thoughts that we are engaging in.  There could be a catalyst that brings us to this awareness. Maybe we just had a massive blow-up with our partner or a friend. Maybe we always feel like a failure despite clear evidence to the contrary. It could be anything, or nothing at all. We may have simply arrived at this point of awareness and we’re ready to look more deeply at it. From here, we begin to recognize what might be happening. We are acknowledging  that something is negatively affecting us. And we need to ask ourselves some questions from a non-judgmental state. Are we trying to control everything; to micromanage ourselves and others? Are we unintentionally harming ourselves or important relationships with others through challenging behaviours that also affect them? These are just a couple of questions we may ask ourselves but it will all depend on what we are doing and thinking, and in what context.  This doesn’t need to be a full-blown self-inquiry. It can look like quiet but intentional thoughts or even a whisper.

The next step is to allow ourselves this state of recognition, without trying to understand it or label it. Just sit peacefully with it, in the absence of judgement or blame.  This is somewhat of a purposeful pause in order to allow for deeper levels of attention.  Fear might be showing itself. Anxiety may be hovering. We can allow ourselves to quietly observe anything that arises and acknowledge its presence within ourselves or certain situations.

Next is the investigative phase. Here, we can move on to investigating more about why we might be engaging in certain behaviours that may be causing issues for us. This is an opportunity for us to listen to our body and what it might be feeling. As the saying goes, “the issues are in our tissues”. Our bodies hold a record of our thoughts and emotions, good and bad. For example, is there tightness or discomfort in certain areas? If so, what do you think might be behind this; fear, anxiety, anger, hurt? Then ask a few simple questions. What is it that we believe about ourselves or situations that results in patterns of certain thoughts and behaviours that are not beneficial? Do we do “fill in the blank” out of fear? Are we concerned about losing control and having our worst fears come to fruition? Do we have childhood trauma from toxic role models and so we unconsciously act on messages that were unjustifiably funnelled to us as children, such as inadequacy, that we’re unlovable, abandonment, rejection, fear, and so on? Do we project unresolved, fear-based feelings from past experiences and relationships onto current relationships, inadvertently causing conflict in the present?

Lastly, we move to the nurturing process of the RAIN system. Here is the space where we show ourselves compassion and love after recognizing that we are suffering in some way. We need to ask our inner selves what is needed. Is it reassurance? Is it forgiveness? Is it engaging more in connections with others?  Then we actively provide that care to ourselves. “You’re okay.” “This isn’t your fault”. “Trust yourself”. “It’s okay to reach out for connection”.

After the four RAIN steps have been completed, it’s important to simply feel our own presence and awareness. Hold onto that meditative state for as long as you need to. We don’t need to self-limit ourselves and our lives because of fear or other heavy feelings. We can seek them out within ourselves, sit with the new awareness, acknowledge our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and then nurture ourselves. In this process, we have the potential to move to new and improved spaces in our lives through self-acceptance, understanding, and compassion.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

References
Brach, T. (2020, January 1). RAIN: A practice of radical compassion. Tara Brach. https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/

 

 

Separation and Divorce

February 26, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Both separation and divorce are difficult experiences.  This can be particularly true when dealing with a toxic person.  Narcissists are often the main cause of many relationship breakdowns, although you’d never hear them taking ownership of their part in it.  And they can make it more challenging when children are involved.

We may find ourselves questioning how we ended up with a narcissist or other toxic person in the first place.  In some cases, if we have toxic role models in our lives, they have likely taught us a very skewed version of love.  In actuality, it isn’t love, but as children, we have no way of knowing that.  If we call a spade a spade, it’s control, manipulation, and abuse masquerading as what we’re expected to accept as “love”.  For others, it may be that we grew up in a loving, functional, and healthy family but we meet a person who does a good job of pretending to be someone they’re not, until they get us where they want us.  That place may be marriage, shared debt, children, or a multitude of other things that bind us to them and make it harder for us to walk away.

Regardless of how we’ve ended up with toxic people, if we eventually find our way to the point of leaving, we can use all the support we can get.  Unfortunately, when our family of origin is dysfunctional, we’re unlikely to receive any authentic support from them.  In fact, they may even make the whole situation feel even worse.  For many, it’s also common to have feelings of embarrassment or shame coming into the picture, so they don’t want to turn to anyone, even healthy family and friends.

If you’re going through separation or divorce, or in the phases leading to it, reach out for support.  When you are fortunate to have loving people in your life, consider talking to them about your situation.  You might be surprised just how much it can help to have people behind you who understand what you’re going through.  And, honestly, there’s no shame or reason to be embarrassed about leaving an unhealthy relationship.  We all have our limits, and only we can decide when it’s time to close a chapter in our lives.  But we don’t need to be martyrs and hang on, especially if it’s to avoid judgment by others.  Let people judge.  That’s their problem, not ours.

And when we don’t have anyone we feel we can to turn to on a personal level, it may be time to seek out other resources.   This could be online or in-person support groups, counselling or coaching, or reading or watching videos about the various parts of relationship breakdown and how to cope.  As a side note, find legal resources to protect yourself on that front as well.  If you can’t afford a lawyer, search for resources that can be of assistance.  Find that light at the end of the tunnel.  Trust me, it’s there.

With coaching, there is someone available to hear you, to help guide you towards a new chapter with courage andempowerment, and to assist you in taking a deep dive into what you want your future to look like, no matter where you’re at in life.  Check in with this website often, as there will be new online programs being released in the upcoming months that you might find helpful.

Just know, it does get better.  We grow through what we go through.  Even though these situations can make us feel weak and lost, we typically come out of them feeling stronger and more focused.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

What Happens When We Leave a Toxic System?

January 18, 2023 / / 0 Comments

When we decide to go low contact or no contact with dysfunctional family members, friends, partners, workplaces, and so on, what happens to those individuals and the toxic system?  It doesn’t really matter as far as our own healing and progress is concerned, but it’s interesting to consider it.

In the case of, say, a narcissistic romantic partner, there may be an initial attempt at keeping the relationship intact but they will typically move on to a new person (aka source of supply, meaning someone to keep their ego happy temporarily).  When there are children involved, there may be issues, but there is definitely an assortment of legal and other means of managing everything.  Toxic workplaces would be similar to romantic partners because there will typically be someone there to fill the void space, as would be the case with the majority of toxic friends (particularly ones with shallow bonds).

But when it comes to a toxic family system with, potentially, a narcissist at the helm, what happens when, say, the scapegoat leaves through low contact or no contact?  This is different than the relationships noted above.  Family systems have incredibly lengthy histories, with specific people who “play” certain roles.  For example, with a narcissistic mother as the dominant individual, there will quite likely be an enabling father.  And there will be a child or children who are the scapegoat or the golden child.  The dysfunctional family system, and particularly the narcissist, needs everyone to stay in order to maintain the status quo.  And the people within the system can’t simply be replaced.  This toxic system can often include extended family members, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others.  In order to survive, it needs its members to remain in the loop and to play their given parts.

So, scapegoats will often experience attempts by family members to keep them drawn into the mix.  A narcissistic parent needs the scapegoat; to talk about, complain about, blame, control, condescend to, put down, manipulate.  Without this relational dynamic, the narcissist’s system falls apart.  This is at the very root of the entire game they play to feed their fragile egos.  How can they play the victim or place blame if the scapegoat isn’t available?  Who do they compare their golden child to, if not the scapegoat?  How do they pass their time with, perhaps, an enabling partner if they don’t have their usual scapegoat fodder to regularly discuss and dissect?  It may not even be the narcissistic parent who attempts to draw a scapegoat back into the fold.  In fact, they’re more likely to play the victim of ‘abandonment’ and then encourage others to do the convincing on their behalf.  It could be the enabling parent, siblings, other relatives, or flying monkeys (people who do the narcissist’s bidding on the mistaken belief that the narcissist is being victimized) who are friends of the narcissist.  Why?  Because they likely feel ill at ease with the shift in the system, in addition to having to deal with an angry narcissist who, without their fall guy, might now be aiming their increased victim charade, outbursts, blaming, and negative behaviour at other people.  Everyone in the system wants to keep the narcissist happy, if only to make their own lives less difficult.  Just like a loss of hydro to a home, the goal of a toxic family that has lost its integral scapegoat is to reinstitute them in their role and put the system back to ‘normal’.

To sum it up, toxic family systems will be turned on their heads when a scapegoat makes the decision to remove themselves.  And those who remain will struggle with the change and will have a tendency to want to bring everything back as it was.  Holding an awareness of this can be of great benefit for scapegoats.  We may get the emotional impression management treatment from family members who want us to return to our role so that everything will be back in place.  “We all miss you, please come back.  We’re your family”.  But the sad truth is that they don’t miss ‘us’; they miss the perceived stability of the toxic system, whether they realize it or not.  Everyone needs to play their part to keep the dysfunction alive and well in order to have even the slightest chance of a bit of peace in their lives.  This system is familiar and it’s what keeps narcissists as content as they can be, which means that everything can keep rolling along, as well as it possibly can in such a disordered environment.  When we leave, they want us to return, but not for the right reasons.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Accepting Yourself

January 13, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Toxic people often try to make others feel “less than”.  Why?  Because it makes them feel superior.  It gives them someone to criticize and point fingers at.  It protects their fragile egos.

At the heart of what we need in order to be immune from the tactics of toxic people is acceptance.  Acceptance of ourselves.  When we accept ourselves – positives, flaws, all of who we are –  we empower ourselves.  If we’ve accepted (and maybe even embraced) who we are, then what others say is less likely to have a negative impact on us.  Narcissists, flying monkeys, enablers…none of them will affect us on that level.  We know who we are and that’s that.

Learning acceptance of oneself can seem like a daunting task at first.  But it gets easier the more we engage in it.  In an upcoming post will be some suggestions for seeking out and putting into practice acceptance skills.  There’s no one-size-fits-all approach because each of us is unique.  But it’s possible to find what we need and make it a way of life.  More in the next post.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Special Occasions and Toxic Families

November 25, 2022 / / 0 Comments

With Thanksgiving underway in the U.S. today, there will be many people attempting to deal with difficult situations.  This could be in the form of interacting with toxic family members or experiencing loneliness from being either no contact or ignored.  There’s no doubt that all of these situations are incredibly challenging and painful.  The big question is: what’s the best way to deal with upsetting contact and/or loneliness, especially during special occasions?

The answer to that question is not a one-size-fits-all solution.  Each individual’s situation is unique, as is where they currently are in their journey.  So, as a result, there is no perfect answer.  It comes down to knowing that we have the right and ability to do what works best for us as individuals.  That may mean expressing boundaries to toxic family members.  It may mean staying home or spending time with other people.  There are a multitude of possibilities.  But in the end, what is important is that we do what works best for us.  That looks different for each person.  For some, it may mean maintaining the status quo because conflict isn’t on the books for us right now.  For others, it may look like taking a stand and laying down lines that we will enforce at all costs.   For others still, peace and contentment may include the choice to simply stay home and avoid the toxicity.  And all of those are perfectly fine if it fits with our current needs and goals.  One tactic that rarely works in creating or keeping peace within ourselves is doing what we think will make others happy.  Most of us who have grown up in dysfunctional family systems have been trained to focus our energy primarily on the happiness of others, rather than tending to our own lives.  So it helps to be aware of this tendency and keep its potential influence in mind when we’re making decisions.

No matter what, just know that doing what is right for any of us, at this particular point in time, is the most important component.  There’s no rulebook or guides to follow.  There is no comparison necessary.  Everyone’s journey is unique.  We need to live the life we’ve been given, to the best of our abilities.  Sometimes things get confusing and difficult, but if the focus is on peace and our best interests, then we’ll find our way.

Sending out vibes of positivity to each and every one of you, wherever you may be.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

The betrayal of a toxic family system

October 27, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Toxic family systems bring with them SO much distress, pain, and harsh betrayal.  Here’s a few of the reasons (set in the context of a narcissistic family) for why that happens:

  1.  A narcissist is at the helm and center of the family, ruling it with brutal control, manipulation, and constant drama.  There’s virtually no peace to be found, particularly for the scapegoated child.
  2. A narcissist parent typically has an enabling parent by their side.  The enabler, in an effort to spare themselves and keep in good stead with the narcissist, will refuse to hear other perspectives, let alone protect or defend the scapegoat.  Scapegoats are left feeling alone, without a voice, and ganged up on.
  3. Scapegoats live a life filled with judgment, criticism, blame, and control.  The narcissist parent targets them on a regular basis, while the enabling parent either joins forces with the narcissist or silently stands back and watches it happen.
  4. Scapegoats are often pitted against the golden child(ren) of the family, and they are set up to lose every time.  And if they stand up for themselves regarding their dislike for competition with family members, the narcissist parent may tell them that they’re weak and/or jealous of their sibling.
  5. When a scapegoat takes a stand, the narcissist parent will come after them in some way.  This may involve personal attacks, silent treatments, or smear campaigns.  These tactics are used by narcissists to bring people back under their control.
  6. Toxic family systems revolve around the narcissist or other disordered individual, and there is very little normalcy within this system.  The irony is that toxic people will claim that the family is “perfect” and “better than other families”, leaving scapegoats and their siblings with a skewed picture of what healthy family systems should look like.  From there, the scene is set for these individuals to go on to other dysfunctional relationships, thinking they’re ‘normal’ if they look like the system they grew up in.

Above all else, toxic families present the ultimate betrayal.  They leave members, particularly scapegoats, feeling unloved, insignificant, alone, abused, confused, bullied, useless, responsible for all that is wrong in the family, and flawed beyond hope.  And then all of these feelings and beliefs, based on the type of ‘love’ (which is not love at all) experienced in this family system, set members up to be at high risk for winding up in other toxic relationships as adults.

There is hope, though, no matter how much time has elapsed, and it starts with self-love.  Toxic family systems, through their dysfunctional dynamics and behaviours, generally teach self-loathing and self-hatred.  When we learn to love ourselves, we start on the path of setting ourselves free from the toxicity and false narratives.  We deserve peace and love, and both of those things can be created from within ourselves.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

It’s YOUR Life

September 1, 2022 / / 0 Comments

As a member of many online groups on the subject of dealing with narcissists and other toxic individuals, I have observed a variety of common themes within posts. A main current is that of one’s life not feeling like their own. This typically takes the shape of people being almost constantly bombarded with opinions, criticisms, and unsolicited advice about how they should be living their lives, particularly as adults. And, taking it one step further, if the individual doesn’t conform to the opinions, criticisms, and unsolicited advice of these people (narcissistic parents, partners, friends, colleagues, etc.), they will be faced with some form of punishment such as the silent treatment or abandonment, guilt-tripping, a smear campaign, or some other manipulative treatment meant to cause someone to “do as they’re told”.

What we need to keep in mind is that this is OUR life. No one else has the right to tell us how to live it, nor do we owe anyone explanations for our decisions. If someone feels that it’s acceptable to dole out punishment because we have not followed their advice on something within our own life, that’s very telling of their character and not ours. And we have no obligation whatsoever to anyone but ourselves when it comes to our life decisions. Going forward, we may also need to evaluate our relationships with those who feel that they are justified in telling us how to live and then trying to manipulate and control us into doing what they want. There are ways (such as low or no contact, placing boundaries, etc.) to protect ourselves from that type of behaviour.

If we follow our hearts and dreams, trust ourselves as captains of our own ships, and steer clear of other people’s unsolicited interference in our decision-making (very different situation from those times we may approach a trusted individual for advice), we will be fine. And, in all honesty, we all make mistakes. We’re human. As long as we learn from those mistakes, that’s all part and parcel of a growth mindset. It makes us stronger, gives us greater knowledge and experience, and empowers us as we journey through life. No one is intended to have others run their life for them. Nor should we feel guilty or wrong if we make our own decisions. We need to take our own path, believe in ourselves, and not be held back by anyone or anything. So, get out there and live life to its fullest and on your own terms.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Finding the ‘you’ that you never knew

August 28, 2022 / / 0 Comments

When you’ve spent time under the thumb of a narcissist, particularly from your childhood, you might never have had an opportunity to get to know who you truly are. Narcissists typically tell us who we need to be, how to be, why to be, and who we are (in negative tones), and, in order to avoid chaos and disapproval, we tend to do whatever it is they want and accept what they tell us. So we aren’t really ourselves in this mode. We’re simply who we’re told to be or are accused of being. It’s like being stuck in a shell with the real you hidden inside.

When we make the choice to go low or no contact with the narcissists in our lives, it gives us time and freedom to get in touch with our true self. We may think that we like certain things, only to discover that we don’t…at all. Those things may have been what we were told to like or that someone assessed us as liking. And we may believe ourselves to be a specific personality type, only to discover that it isn’t us…at all. That’s who we were told to be or who we were told we were in a negative way. For example, “You need to act more like your (golden child) sibling” or “You’re so (fill in the blank with a derogatory term related to character)”. We may also feel certain ways about our appearance, based on how the narcissist in our life described us, which will typically have been unflattering. Once we have a chance to look in the mirror and really assess what we see without biases, we may discover that our physical being is not what we believed it to be, either.

If we are able to free ourselves from narcissists in whatever way we choose (boundaries, low contact, no contact), we give ourselves a new lease on life and on finding who we are, possibly for the first time ever. We generally find that we don’t need to be who we’re told to be or who we’ve always been accused of being. And that’s a real gift! Be aware, though, that it can be challenging to realize that we may have never really known the ‘real’ us. Maybe someone will ask us what we like to do for a hobby and we don’t have an answer no matter how much we think about it. Or maybe we’ll be asked to do something that we’ve been led to believe we aren’t capable of and we’re hesitant to step out of our comfort zone for fear of failure and the ridicule that typically followed from narcissists.

Here’s the thing – our lives are gifts that we should make the most of each and every day. Restricting ourselves to the confines and limits of other people’s beliefs and biases does us a great disservice and creates missed opportunities. This can all lead to guilt, grief, and depression. We owe it to ourselves to find who we are and live the life we’re meant to live. It’s no simple task but it’s well worth the effort. Find that you that you never knew.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Music As a Tool For Coping

July 27, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Growing up, I spent hours upon hours soaking up music. As a musician from a young age, performing and listening to music of many genres was and continues to be a big deal for me. Music takes me to different spaces, carries me out of my body to ethereal locations, and provides calm and relaxation in ways that most other things don’t come close to achieving.

I didn’t realize it at the time but music (and my Grandma) literally kept me sane. Well, that and a cache of inner strength that existed deep inside me, outside of my young awareness. In fact, it was many years later, when a therapist mentioned this strength that she saw in me, that I was able to recognize it. When important people in your childhood constantly place so much emphasis on your supposed weaknesses, you don’t often look for the strengths in yourself. Music was my safe space and companion in an emotionally, and sometimes physically, unstable and hurtful home environment. This revelation came to me as an adult, long after I had left my childhood behind. When I revisit music from, say, my teenage years, I recognize what my subconscious was embracing in the lyrics. Back then, I don’t know if it truly registered because I believe I was – at a conscious level – unaware of my circumstances. When you’ve been taught that your family is “perfect”, you believe that everything is completely normal. In my case, I had been so well-conditioned to accept everything I was told (scapegoat, black sheep, etc.) that I didn’t question any of it. My thinking at the time was that if I was being given the silent treatment for days on end, for example, then I had done something to deserve it. End of story.

As an adult, music is still one of my main go-to’s. Happy, sad, upset, frustrated, bored…music is and has always been there for me. I can sit down at the piano and play whatever pieces I feel like playing. Or I can pick up my headphones and listen to whatever suits my mood. Both are very cathartic acts of self-care.

Music…I recommend that everyone should keep it in their coping toolbox. Looking back, I’m incredibly grateful for everything it helped carry me through, especially when I didn’t realize just how important it was for my sanity. I have no doubt that my intuition brought me to it for much-needed therapy and healing.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Requests for Post Topics

May 30, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Hi All!

Just dropping in to let you know that if you have any specific requests for topics that you’d like me to write on, please feel free to send me an email at na********************@***il.com or leave a comment on this post. I tend to write about whatever pops into my mind on any given day. However, I’d love to create posts based on requests as well. They would, of course, not include information about who made the request, etc.

So please feel free to touch base through an email or comment on this post if you have any topics that you’d like me to write about.

Looking forward to hearing from you! New posts coming soon!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter.

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