This is a great short video from WHO with a view of depression and its perception that is quite unique. If you’re interested, the link is below. Just click on it and it will take you to the video in YouTube.
(353) I had a black dog, his name was depression – YouTube
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
From the perspective of an ACON (Adult Children of Narcissists) and a DONM (Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers), I could literally write a book on my experiences. In all honesty, anyone who grew up in a disordered household headed by a narcissist will have innumerable stories they could tell. The tales we can tell are our own but, sadly, the majority of them are incredibly similar at their root level. They all generally boil down to narcissistic behaviours and how they domino out to everyone in their orbit.
If I were to go to a more personal level and summarize my life as the child of a narcissist into its most basic form by using a few examples, it would be this:
As the family scapegoat, I felt from a very early age that my mom and I simply didn’t ‘jive’. The connection just wasn’t there. Being female, and through no fault of my own (from stories recounted to me, this appears to have started when I was just a baby – for example, being told many times over the course of my life that she wanted to throw me against a wall because I cried when I had colic), I triggered her own deep-seated issues, which caused her to target me and resulted in a lack of a bond between us. This woman adores, supports, encourages, brags about and idolizes my younger brother. It’s not as though she is incapable of those things. Ironically enough, when he and I have made similar decisions in our lives as adults, she has raved about how wondrous his choices were but somehow managed to find fault with all of mine. Although this narcissistic behaviour became abundantly clear to me many years ago, it was incredibly confusing when I was younger, and led to me accepting her nonsense and losing any self-esteem or confidence I may have had. This was my mother. My dad went along with it. I believed her to be the all-knowing and wise person she claimed to be. If she deemed me a disappointment and a failure, then she was probably right as far as I was concerned. That’s what narcissistic abuse has the potential to do to a person when they don’t have a knowledgeable support system or awareness to lean on.
Throughout my childhood and into my teen years, I was pressured and expected to excel at everything I did while, simultaneously, a cloud of low expectations hung over my head. My mom expected me to be the best (because in her mind this would make her look good to the outside world) while at the same time telling me I was “just average” (she’s big on labelling, especially when it comes to intelligence). To add insult to injury, no matter how well I did in school or other pursuits, it was never good enough for her. An ‘A’ on a test would result in her questioning why it wasn’t an A+. On occasions when an A+ was awarded, apparently it was obvious to my mom that the test was too easy and likely everyone in the class did well on it. Or sometimes she surmised that the teacher must have favored me and therefore the mark wasn’t truly representative of my (in her opinion, limited) abilities and was undeserved and, in fact, unfair to my classmates. The same judgments were a constant for any of my other pursuits, including sports and, especially, music. She always heard that one little mistake and, in her opinion, that ruined the entire performance. That one error would be blown out of proportion and zero credit would be given for the thousands of correct notes and other musical elements that go together with them. Looking back from an adult’s point of view, I realized that from a young age I began focusing on the negative and not looking at my strengths as a direct result of my mother’s constant judgments and criticisms as well as the almost complete lack of encouragement and support. One mistake became catastrophic in my mind.
My friends were also constantly being critiqued and negative comments made to me about them. In her mind, I never chose the ‘right’ friends (or partners as I got older). She would literally suggest the people that I should spend time with (people she felt would be “good friends”) and would badger me about it on a regular basis. There would be comments made by her that my chosen friends were abusive (ironic, isn’t it?!) and that I needed to “get a backbone” and “stand up” for myself. One time when I had a falling out (temporary, thankfully) with a friend (which, by the way, was instigated by my mom and her constant prodding), I shared with my mom just how upset I was that I felt I had lost my best friend. Rather than comfort me or say something supportive, she started crying and told me that she thought she was my best friend and that what I said had hurt her deeply! Within a couple weeks, though, she was talking about how many years she and her “best friend” had known one another!
One moment that is very vivid for me after many years was the time that I told my mom that I was feeling depressed. After getting this out in the open, I started to cry because I was feeling emotional. She slapped me across the face, told me to “snap out of it” and then stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Needless to say, that was truly a lesson in not sharing my feelings that has stuck with me since then. Working through it has been a process but is well worth it.
In terms of my family of origin (FOO), it was dysfunctional from day one. My dad, bless his heart, is a lovely man who is loyal and kind to a fault. Does he see my mom for who she is? I don’t know for certain. I’ve seen glimpses of awareness over the years but his enabling behaviour continues regardless. However, I do understand the reason for this. My mom has a strong “you’re either with me or against me” mentality with everyone in her life. If my dad even slightly appears to side with anyone but her, days or sometimes weeks of misery rain down upon him. Her vicious griping is equally as undesirable as her cold stares and silent treatment. I don’t blame him for wanting to avoid all of that. I get it because I’ve lived it, too. He has spent decades working/escaping more than he was home so I’m sure it’s nice to look forward to downtime rather than dreading it. But it’s also really difficult for me to have always been the scapegoat (my golden child sibling was, of course, rarely held accountable for anything), the black sheep, the one “in the wrong” no matter what, the one whose perspective was not allowed to be heard. As an aside, I had an absolutely wonderful grandmother who lived nearby who was supportive, loving, caring and an amazing friend. Without her … well, I wouldn’t even want to imagine how much more challenging life would have been. Although we rarely spoke of my mom or her behaviour (it’s quite likely that she had never put a name to it, and she was also someone who didn’t speak of others behind their backs), my grandma was there for me and that was what mattered.
Fittingly enough, the final narcissistic straw for me that led to many and continuing years of low and rare contact (never in-person or by phone) with my parents was, after several months of ridiculous drama, my mom pressuring my dad to the point where he informed me that I had “been the problem in this family for XX years” (the X’s represent my age at the time). Yes, folks, apparently my just being born was an issue and, in fact, the very reason our family was so disordered. After all that, I was then informed by my mom that my dad wouldn’t have said that (it was said in front of a witness) and that I needed to apologize. And that situation from start to finish is something that really sealed the deal for me in recognizing that I genuinely was not and had never been “the problem” in my family, no matter how much my narcissistic mother needed to label me as such in order to avoid dealing with or having other people focus on her many serious issues and the trouble those had caused within our family unit. Before I could walk, talk or be independent enough to even cause a problem for anyone, I was negatively labelled and that continued on because my mom needed it to and my dad felt that he was required to go along with it or else be made miserable (yes, he had choices but his blind loyalty and trying to protect his own peace traditionally came and still comes first). And then to be be informed that I had made up my dad’s words to me and should apologize … well, that was added to the already large stores of strong evidence that my mom holds neither herself (I don’t recall her ever sincerely accepting responsibility for her actions or giving a genuine apology for anything) nor anyone who acts on her behalf accountable for anything. Shifting the blame is typical behaviour, particularly blaming the family scapegoat.
So, obviously this is an incredibly shortened version of a small number of my experiences within a narcissistic family. There are hundreds, maybe thousands more that I could write about but it would take me well beyond the scope of a website post. Since becoming aware of my mother’s issues, how it impacted my family of origin, and how it has deeply affected me on more levels than I ever thought possible, I have read, researched and taken in everything possible on the subject of narcissism and its far-reaching impacts. I have worked diligently on my own recovery and committed years ago to helping and supporting others in doing the same. I also firmly believe in educating people in the realm of narcissism awareness so that some might be spared from being victims of the damage caused by individuals with this personality disorder. Difficult as they were, my experiences have made me the person I am today and also placed me in the position of being there to help others who find themselves in the grips of narcissistic abuse and/or attempting to recover from it.
Until next time,
Heather Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
For everyone who finds special occasions like today, Father’s Day, challenging for any reason, I get it. If special occasions also feel like walking on egg shells (or possibly landmines), I completely understand where you’re coming from. This can be particularly so when narcissists are in the picture.
If your family of origin involved narcissism, special occasions were likely incredibly challenging to deal with from early in your life and probably remained that way throughout your childhood and into adulthood. Maybe the narcissistically-inclined parent was your mom, or maybe your dad, or maybe both of your parents. Whoever it was, it’s highly likely that special occasions were often drama-filled, emotionally draining and confusing events during your childhood and possibly into adulthood.
When it comes to narcissists, they feel the need to always be the center of attention, even on special occasions that have nothing to do with them. They will cause drama, upheaval and emotional upset by whatever means necessary. Maybe they’re sulking because the day isn’t about them but they’re making it appear as though someone slighted them and caused the issue. Or maybe they’re starting arguments because they want to take the attention away from the special occasion. It’s possible that they will criticize the people who are trying to celebrate by saying that their efforts aren’t good enough or they’ve done everything wrong. Whatever it may be, narcissists very commonly ruin special occasions, all for the need to be the constant focus of the family. And that toxic, narcissistic energy often attaches to special occasions and can bring apprehension and anxiety to other family members year after year after year. What is Mom going to do to ruin everything this year? What will Dad say to upset everyone so that he can storm off and then be free to do something he’d rather be doing?
Rather than being happy and enjoyable celebrations, special occasions in narcissistic families are often the exact opposite. They are prone to being stressful, anxiety-provoking, emotionally taxing situations that come to be dreaded every year rather than looked forward to. The narcissist’s negativity permeates virtually every special day circled on the calendar, particularly if that day doesn’t happen to be all about them. And even if it is ‘their’ day (say, a birthday), they will regularly ruin those with complaints of the celebration not being lavish enough, or no one got them what they wanted as a gift, or someone else was getting more attention than them for five minutes, or they simply feel like sulking and keeping everyone guessing by not divulging what it’s all about, and so on. There is no winning when it comes to narcissists and special events.
So, is there any way to get through these times as unscathed as possible? In the event that you decide to make a call to your family or drop by for a visit, be emotionally and mentally prepared. Know your limits as to what you are and are not willing to discuss with them. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ or ‘that’s something I don’t wish to talk about’. Boundaries are important. If you are pushed and bullied to engage in a discussion that you are uncomfortable with, it’s fine to let your parent(s)/family members know that you need to end the conversation and politely say goodbye. If you are in-person and this situation arises, let them know that you’re leaving and be on your way. No apologies, no excuses, no justifications necessary. You have the right to protect yourself and your wellbeing. Don’t allow the guilt trips or aggressiveness to sway you to stay and possibly be verbally/emotionally abused or attacked.
Obviously being low contact or no contact with your family of origin is a sure way to keep yourself safe and avoid negativity and possible verbal/emotional attacks. If you do reach out to a narcissistic parent or an enabling parent on a day such as today and a phone call or visit is not on the table (only do what you feel comfortable doing), texting and/or emailing are always viable options for sending a message. It’s okay to let your parent know you’re thinking of them in a way that allows you to avoid being drawn into an emotional maze. Sometimes it comes down to what you feel you need to do (touch base with a parent even if it’s difficult, etc.) rather than what you believe anyone else expects from you. If you’re currently in therapy or self-directed recovery work from narcissistic abuse, there is no need to set yourself back by opening doors that need to be closed either temporarily or permanently. Do what you feel safe doing. Maybe reaching out simply isn’t an option for you today; that’s absolutely fine. This is your decision and there is no right or wrong here.
Another way to cope with special occasions fraught with confusion, emotional upheaval and frustration is to create new traditions on your own or with friends, a partner, children, etc. Start a new chapter with these celebrations and rewrite what they will look like for you. Do what you can to let go of the negative energy that has been attached to these dates (likely for years or decades) and make them whatever you want them to be.
Above all else, it’s helpful to keep in mind that narcissists are extremely similar to a tired, grouchy toddler who didn’t get their own way. This may involve sulking, tantrums, childish outbursts and more, but you need to consider the source. Narcissists are disordered individuals who are protecting and seeking to feed their fragile egos at all costs. Not being the center of attention is viewed as a loss from their perspective and they will react in the most immature ways, along with lashing out and attacking those they feel have slighted them by not having their focus on the narcissist at all times. When we can understand the dynamics at play with narcissists, it can make dealing with them much less challenging. Also, keeping our own emotions out of the mix is a beneficial action. Don’t take their behaviour personally and try not to allow them to ‘get a rise out of you’.
So, Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there! To everyone for whom this day and other special occasions are difficult, I wish you the best in getting through it with grace and strength. For everyone (ACONs – Adult Children of Narcissists) who grew up in a dysfunctional family headed by a narcissist (or narcissists), step up the self-care if necessary in order to stay strong and healthy, and only do what you feel comfortable with. Not everyone understands or could even begin to understand the dynamics of the relationships within your family of origin (FOO) and the narcissist(s) at the helm, so it’s best to take all of the well-meaning societal messages with a grain of salt. No one has the right to push you into contact with someone simply because that someone happens to be a parent or family member. Listen to your intuition and only do what is right for you. Whatever feels right for you, trust it, embrace it and move forward with the knowledge that you’re doing your best and that’s all that matters.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
Many of us are natural caregivers. We enjoy looking after others (people, animals, etc.), and that’s a great and admirable trait. But one thing that can be forgotten is to give ourselves the same care and love that we so willingly give to the world around us.
When we are low on our list of priorities (or absent from the list altogether), over time, it can leave us feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, depressed, anxious or possibly unbalanced and unwell on a mental and/or physical level. Eventually, we can end up unable to look after anyone else, let alone ourselves.
Prioritizing time for self-care is essential, whether or not we are caregivers. We need to nurture ourselves holistically in every area – physical, emotional, social, spiritual and mental. Whether it’s meditation, mindfulness, therapy, exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, relaxing in a warm bath, massage therapy, spending time in nature, listening to music, and so on, every act of self-care makes a difference in our lives. It helps us to recharge, energize, clear our minds, reconnect with people, nourish and keep our bodies well, to name just a few, and feeling good further encourages the healthy cycle of self-care.
When we take care of ourselves (it’s not selfish, it’s necessary), we are helping to ensure that our holistic health and wellness is prioritized, strengthened and maintained. That way, we can enjoy our lives and continue to care for others who are important to us and help them to enjoy their lives as well.
In situations where we are in a toxic environment, such as with a narcissist or other negative individual, prioritizing ourselves can be challenging, but it is all the more important to engage in self-care so that we can withstand the toxicity without allowing it to harm us.
Prioritizing ourselves is a matter of health and wellness. No matter how small the act of self-care, it can make a positive difference. Take care of yourselves every day, my friends!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
The realization of the fact that you’ve been experiencing narcissistic abuse is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, your eyes have been opened and you are now aware, which offers you the opportunity to make well-informed choices for yourself. On the other hand, this awareness often brings with it feelings of anger, regret, sadness, shame, isolation, confusion and so on. It basically takes your emotions on a whirlwind roller coaster ride.
My advice is to allow yourself to fully feel the array of emotions. They will be intense and sometimes overwhelming but you need to feel them in order to move on to processing them. Cry, scream, punch a pillow, etc. If you feel the need to talk with someone about your journey, do your best to turn to someone you know you can trust. This could be a family member, friend, support system such as Natural Clarity Coaching, or a counsellor/therapist. It’s not advisable to share your feelings with your abuser because that will simply open more doors for them to continue abusing you and playing mind games. Clarity is incredibly important at this time, so not allowing the narcissist to muddy the waters is beneficial. Yes, you’ll want to tell them that you’ve figured them out and that you’re incredibly hurt and upset. Just remember that these are people who lack empathy and compassion; they will never sincerely take accountability for their actions let alone offer up an apology or anything else that might make you feel less damaged. Plus, their goal is to continue to control you and carry on with your focus being on them, so keeping your feelings quiet from this person is usually the best policy. Find whatever trustworthy and helpful support systems you can while you’re moving through this part of the journey. Of course, if you prefer to do this solo, by all means, do. Whatever works for you. If you want to but can’t find anyone (or even if you can but could use more connections), online support groups can be incredibly helpful. There is something comforting and empowering about being able to read posts, write posts or comments if you want, involving people who have been or are currently in a similar place as you in a relationship with a narcissist (parent, partner, friend, etc.), It helps with gaining insight, feeling understood without having to explain yourself, seeing all of the parallels in the narcissists’ behaviours, and gaining strength in the knowledge that you didn’t cause this situation. In fact, many people begin to see that most narcissists seem to operate by the same play book! Sad but true.
When you’re with the narcissist or by yourself in these early days of awareness, bring in calming and self-soothing practices such as deep breathing, mindfulness (being present in the moment without judgment), engaging in hobbies, getting out into nature, exercising, to name a few. Try to keep your mind from ruminating and replaying all of the negativity. That will just drag you into a potential state of depression and/or anxiety. And it’s okay to feel anger towards the narcissist but advisable to keep it under wraps. Now is the time to engage in self-care in order to keep yourself strong on all levels. Educate yourself on narcissism and how it has impacted you. Put some time into getting back in touch with yourself, your needs, your hopes and dreams. Focus on the future and what and who YOU want in your life from now on. You have arrived at a fork in your journey’s path and you have options from which to choose. Make plans for how you will deal with your new view of the relationship in question. Yes, there will no doubt be days that it all seems like too much and you might feel utter sadness and loss. You might even try to convince yourself that you’re wrong about this person and that you should give them a second chance. That’s perfectly ‘normal’.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, a great gauge for relationships is honestly taking a close look at how you truly feel when you’re around someone. Does the way they treat you make you feel good about yourself? Do you enjoy spending time with them? Do you feel cared for and important? Or does their behaviour make you feel unloved, unappreciated, and generally less-than? Is there often an air of condescension and disdain from this person when you interact with them? Do you regularly feel fearful in their presence, like you’re walking on eggshells, or worried that they could abandon you at any moment? Do you feel manipulated, controlled and/or under attack and as though you’re always making them upset and/or angry? Asking yourself these questions and answering them with 100 percent honesty can be a great reality check, especially if you have recently wondered if or decided that someone in your life is abusive towards you.
In summary, here are possible steps (in their simplest form) towards recovery:
Wishing you well on your journey!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, Twitter
In emotional/psychological terms, trauma can be described as a deeply disturbing or distressing experience. Another description of trauma is emotional shock following a stressful event or physical injury.
Three of the Main Forms of Trauma:
Acute – Resulting from a single dangerous or stressful event (PTSD)
Chronic – Resulting from repeated and prolonged exposure to highly stressful events (domestic violence, child abuse, bullying, etc.) (Chronic PTSD)
Complex – Resulting from exposure to multiple traumatic events (Complex PTSD)
Here are some of the signs and symptoms of emotional and psychological trauma (cascadebh.com):
Cognitive:
Behavioral:
Physical:
Psychological:
Below are some of the most common forms of trauma therapy:
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
Behaviour Therapy (Exposure Therapy)
Psychodynamic Therapy
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Hypnotherapy
Group Therapy
Pharmacotherapy (Medication).
Unfortunately, trauma is a part of many people’s lives. Becoming trauma-informed (understanding how trauma is created and the symptoms, behaviours and needs of people who have been traumatized) is beneficial on both personal and social levels, regardless of whether we have experienced trauma firsthand. Understanding, patience and compassion go a long way in being supportive of possibly yourself and/or others in your life who are suffering.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, Twitter
For anyone, whether they are recovering from narcissistic abuse, trying to depressurize from a high-stress occupation, contemplating and/or implementing major life changes, living with mental or physical wellness issues and so on, learning to seek out everyday peace or simply peaceful moments can make an enormous difference in our lives.
Finding peace isn’t as simple as closing our eyes and spinning around three times while uttering the word ‘zen’ and breathing deeply. It also doesn’t mean that all our worries and issues will magically disappear; however, finding peace can help us to stay balanced and grounded no matter what life is throwing at us. Peace is a state of mind and also a practice that, at first, requires dedicated time and a conscious effort. We can build up from short moments to being able to maintain it throughout many of our days if we choose. It can eventually become a natural event that we turn to without much thought or planning. Peace is a state that we need to become familiar with so that it becomes easily recognizable and attainable.
Peace initially arises from concerted efforts to quiet our minds and bodies from the stresses and hustle and bustle of everyday life. This practice of quieting can include anything that works for a person, from meditation to yoga to walking to swimming and anything in between. If a particular activity brings about relaxation and the letting go of stress and tension, then that’s a practice that we know works for us. We’re each unique individuals and, as such, we have unique needs. Shutting off from all electronic devices and possibly other people while you do this is incredibly helpful as well. We are also the decision-makers as to how often we engage in the practice of finding peace. Making it a routine can definitely be quite helpful in ensuring that it becomes a regular activity for us.
One thing to bear in mind is that our minds and bodies are interconnected. When we make an effort to settle our minds, it is generally easier for our bodies to follow suit, and vice versa. Peace is born out of achieving a state of calm and self-care whenever we are able to do so. As we become more adept at reaching this state, it becomes more habitual and ‘normal’ for us to do so more and more regularly. From peace can come holistic wellness and a host of other benefits on all levels.
So think about giving it a try – find your peace and see where it takes you. 🙂
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
So continuing on from Part 1 of this topic of the tactics used by narcissists in order to control and/or silence others, here are some further items:
Nitpicking and Constantly Changing the Rules – Narcissists are renowned for nitpicking their targets. They will complain about anything and everything about you and your behaviour, right down to the smallest of details. It’s a constant barrage of judgments and criticisms. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It feels like a perpetual storm cloud over your head. In terms of constantly changing the rules, no matter how much proof is provided or action is taken on your part to meet whatever expectations the narcissistic individual has created, they will continue to demand more proof and also set up new expectations (moving the goalposts). There’s definitely no winning in this situation. How to stay strong: Ensure that you validate and approve of yourself despite what you’re hearing from the narcissist. Try to spend time with people who are positive and kind.
Avoiding Accountability by Changing the Subject – Narcissists are professionals at making subject changes in order to avoid accepting accountability for their actions and behaviour. Typically these subject changes involve making you and all of your alleged flaws the topic of the conversation instead. Accountability for a narcissist equates to damaging their ego and they will do pretty much anything to avoid that scenario. How to stay strong: If you feel that you need to have this discussion, one technique is to continue to redirect the narcissist to the facts at hand. If it isn’t worth it to continue trying to make them accountable, simply disengage.
Name-Calling, Sarcasm, Condescension, Shaming, Insults Disguised as Jokes, and Covert and Overt Threats – When a narcissistic person is not getting their way in the form of controlling and/or silencing you, they will quite often resort to name-calling. The tactic here involves intimidating and belittling you into submission as well as breaking down your confidence and willingness to stand up for yourself. Narcissists will also say something offensive and insulting and then, if you call them out on it, they will claim they were ‘only joking’ and that you need to not be so sensitive and learn to recognize a joke. These dysfunctional people will also use sarcasm, condescension and shaming in very passive-aggressive ways in order to get their message across without being direct about it (which leaves their targets wondering if they truly are ‘taking things the wrong way’). In terms of threats, both covert and overt, these can arise out of a difference of opinion or as a result of your implementation or continued enforcement of boundaries. Again, this is meant to intimidate you into silence and/or compliance with the narcissist’s many rules. How to stay strong: The best response to name-calling, insults veiled as jokes, etc., and/or threats is to put a quick end to the interaction and make it clear that you won’t tolerate intimidation, bullying and disrespect. Then try to ensure that you don’t internalize any of the nonsense that was spewed at you. It’s all fiction and absolutely without substance or truth. None of it is about you; it’s all about the disordered individual and their many issues.
Baiting You and Then Feigning Innocence – A regular ploy used by most narcissists is to bait you (they love starting drama and get bored without it!) and then feign innocence. This involves doing or saying something that they know will hurt or upset you and then when you react, they behave as though they don’t know what you’re going on about plus you’ve victimized them in the bargain. “I didn’t mean anything by that. What are you talking about? How could you even think that of me? You’re such a mean person”. And just like that, they’ve upset/hurt you, made it seem like your over-sensitivity and paranoia caused you to get upset over nothing, and then you allegedly went on to victimize them when they did absolutely nothing to attract your wrath. Tripple-whammy! How to stay strong: One of the tricks to coping with this tactic is to not allow yourself to be baited in the first place. Once you become accustomed to what baiting involves (once you see the specific pattern and cues, you will know what to look for every time), you can refuse to enter the arena before the game even gets started. Shut it down and move on with your day.
There are a few other tactics used by narcissists to control and/or silence their targets but the above are the main ones. Narcissists need to control the people around them in order to maintain their ego-protecting bubble and never have to face accountability for their toddler-like and negative behaviour. If they can’t control someone in their environment, then their next step is to attempt to silence them. As I mentioned in Part 1, the best thing we can do is to educate ourselves on these tactics, learn to recognize them no matter what attempts are made to disguise them, take steps to remove or protect ourselves from these strategies (picturing yourself covered in bubble wrap that keeps the narcissist’s negativity from accessing you is a great use of imagery for strength and protection), and then ensure that we don’t allow any of it to damage our self-esteem or personal peace. If we keep in mind that the behaviours of narcissists have nothing to do with anyone but them and we learn not to personalize it, it can make a major difference in our lives and wellbeing. Knowledge is power and this is particularly true in these situations. And be aware that low contact or no contact with toxic people are always options at any point in time for any type of relationship. Stay strong!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Narcissists use a variety of tactics to get what they want, including control over or silencing others. Here are just a few of the main tactics together with ways to combat them.
Projection – Narcissists refuse to see their own shortcomings because it damages their already fragile egos. As a result, they will accuse others of their own traits and behaviours in order to displace these things from themselves. How to stay strong: Don’t project your good traits onto the narcissist (expecting them to be like you is dangerous and will be disappointing), and don’t accept their negative ones as your own.
Gaslighting – This is a technique used by narcissists to cause distortion and erosion of other people’s sense of reality. They will suggest that an event didn’t happen or that it was all a figment of someone’s imagination and so on. Eventually, people who are gaslighted regularly will begin to question themselves and their sanity. How to stay strong: Make a point of grounding yourself in your own reality. It helps to keep a journal or discuss things with friends or members of a support group.
Ridiculous Conversations – Narcissists love to argue and it often turns a conversation into complete and utter nonsense. At the root of it, these people are arguing with themselves, not you. How to stay strong: A good option is to cut the conversation short and walk away.
All or Nothing/Black and White Thinking and Generalizations – “You never do anything right”. “You always make me angry”. “That group of people are always a problem”. Narcissistically-inclined individuals make blanket statements and far-reaching generalizations about anyone and everyone. How to stay strong: Try not to engage. Walk away wherever possible.
Making Other People’s Thoughts and Feelings Appear Absurd to Invalidate Their Rights to Have Them – If a narcissist can make someone believe that their feelings and thoughts are crazy and absurd, they can eventually wear them down until they believe they aren’t deserving of those things. How to stay strong: Again, try to stay grounded in your own reality and recognize that your feelings and thoughts are relevant and important.
Triangulation – I have written previous posts on the subject of triangulation. Triangulation involves a narcissist who won’t deal directly with someone but instead brings in a third party to do their dirty work for them, thus forming a triangle. How to stay strong: If you feel you need to respond to a third party acting on behalf of a narcissist, try to keep it short and to the point. Historically, the less you engage, the better it will be for you.
Smear Campaigns, Stalking – I have also written posts on smear campaigns in the past. This is a situation in which a narcissist targets you by speaking ill of you as an alleged aggressor while making themselves appear to be the victim, and they will spew their lies to anyone who is willing to listen, including your partners, children, friends, coworkers, relatives and so on. The narcissist may also stalk you in-person or online in order to find information with which to begin new attacks against you. How to stay strong: Again, a less-is-better approach is typically beneficial. If people confront you about your supposed negative behaviour towards a narcissist, a short “There are two sides to every story” or “If you knew me, you would know better” or something similar can be helpful. Silence is another option. Eventually, most people figure out that the person who launched the smear campaign against you is a narcissist and not to be believed.
I will move on to Part 2 on this subject of manipulative tactics to silence people in a future post. In the meantime, I recommend that everyone be aware of these tactics so as to (hopefully) not fall prey to them. When we educate ourselves regarding narcissistic behaviour, we give ourselves the tools to recognize and stay safe from their disordered actions.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
If you are currently in a situation where you have to endure interactions with a narcissist, here are a few ways to stay strong, balanced and uphold your boundaries:
When it comes to dealing with narcissists, learning the tools that work best for you to stay strong and not be drawn in is a great step to take for your own wellbeing and further developing coping strategies. If you would like a support system to help you with these strategies, contact us as set out below.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
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