Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
Tag: narcissistic partner
When we stand up for ourselves within a toxic family system – for instance our family of origin, especially one headed by a narcissist – there is almost definitely going to be fallout. This is especially true if we’re the scapegoat. Then we will likely be faced with silent treatments, guilt and shame tactics, other abusive behavior, and basically being ganged up on by our family members. Everyone will want things to return to what they were previously. Change in these systems tends to make everyone feel unsettled and anxious, typically because when the leader is a narcissist, they will do anything to avoid losing control of the situation. They become more angry, unreasonable, aggressive, and demanding, and their moody behavior knows no bounds. So they will wage war against us, using other family members as pawns and flying monkeys, in the hope that we will give in and they can return to complete control of us and everyone else in the family.
The above is pretty much a given for anyone going up against a disordered family unit. Preparing for it can make a big difference. When we know what the fallout will look like, we can ready ourselves for it. Whether it’s an onslaught of angry chatter or radio silence, being mentally prepared for whatever may come our way will make the process somewhat easier. Mental strength is a big advantage when it comes to these types of situations. Keep aware of the dynamics, hold that head high, and stay the course.
Reminding ourselves that we are worthy of love, respect, and kindness can be helpful, too. Also, try to remember why we’re standing up to a system that causes hurt on an ongoing basis. Believe it or not, there will be better things on the other side of these situations. Peace is often waiting there, quite possibly for the first time in our lives, although it may initially feel uncomfortable and awkward. Eventually we will come to embrace peace and protect it at all costs.
So if you’re at the point, or in the middle of, standing up to a dysfunctional and toxic family system or relationship, be strong and be prepared for fallout. It won’t be easy, and you’ll likely, at some point in the process, question if it’s worth doing, but viewing it as taking steps to better days can be beneficial. You’ve got this!
Until next time,
Heather
~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
So, it’s been a little while since I last had an opportunity to sit down and write. As I’ve posted in the past, I returned to university back in September in order to study psychology. So I’ve just finished up a multitude of assignments and midterm exams. The next term starts on January 10th, which gives me time to get caught up on a variety of items on my to-do list.
As the holidays are upon us, I wanted to touch on some tips for getting through in one piece, especially if a narcissist is involved. Maybe even more than one of them is a part of your life. Let me start by saying that you are not alone. There are many of us who are dealing with toxic family members and others in some way at this time of year. On the flip side, you might be low or no contact with those people and possibly feeling lost, lonely and down. Recognizing that others are going through what you are can lessen the challenging feelings that go along with these situations.
One great idea is to incorporate the JADE method into your interactions – Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Narcissists know how to push people’s buttons, including putting others on the defensive and feeling the need to justify their actions/words/life. Leave your emotions out of these interactions (grey rock method – little to no emotion) and recognize that someone is attempting to manipulate you because they have a need to diminish and control to feel good about themselves, and you won’t likely feel the need to JADE as often or even at all. It’s difficult to do initially but it gets easier with practice. And the bonus is that not only will you not get pulled into the drama but there’s a good chance that the person in question might just give up when they can’t get a rise out of you.
If you are alone over the holidays or missing special times that are no longer taking place, then consider making new traditions for yourself. And be sure to make time for self-care, whatever that may look like for you (exercise, bubble baths, spending time in nature or with pets, listening to music, reading, writing, etc.). Reach out to people that you trust, or chat with others in an online discussion group of your choice. Maybe it’s a group for adult children of toxic families or one that involves a hobby or topic of interest. Social connectedness can do wonders for our wellbeing, especially if it’s in a way that we feel comfortable and secure with.
That’s all for now. I’ll be back with new posts again very soon. Just try to remember that you are strong enough to get through anything from difficult people to temporary loneliness.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
The answer to that question is: Yes, most narcissists will try to win you back if you leave them. However, they don’t do this for the same reasons that non-narcissists might. A major misstep is to believe that a narcissist thinks and feels like you do. In reality, they are coming from a completely different mindset; a mindset where winning someone back is about just that – winning. As always, their actions have absolutely nothing to do with you. Their actions are based on protecting their fragile egos by controlling everything and everyone around them.
Narcissists will use the tactic known as ‘love bombing’. Here, they engage in larger-than-life demonstrations of attention and affection in an attempt to influence someone. In the case of someone leaving them, they will love bomb to get that person back in order to feel better about themselves after being left and to regain control of the person in question. Many narcissists will actually win someone back just so that they can abandon them and then move on with their next victim.
Hoovering is a similar tactic used by narcissists. Just like the vacuum cleaner brand, Hoover, the disordered person will attempt to ‘hoover’/suck in the person who left them and bring them back into the abusive relationship. They may make promises that they will never cause any more hurt, that they will change, that everything will be different this time. This can all appear to be incredibly believable and sincere. Narcissists are generally very good actors and it’s not difficult to get drawn back into their web. The unfortunate part is that it’s all an act. Nothing will improve, and if it does, it won’t stay that way for long. It is all based on empty promises in an effort to manipulate, control and further abuse a partner, family member or friend, etc.
So, yes, narcissists will typically try to win you back if you leave them. But it’s not for reasons based on love, seeing the error in their ways, changing their negative behaviour, caring or anything positive. It’s all about winning, maintaining control, keeping their ‘supply’ (your attention for the purpose of their ego-stroking) intact, making sure that they maintain a certain image for the world around them, and ultimately avoiding ‘narcissistic injury’ (the experience of narcissists when they lose, are criticized or abandoned).
If you are thinking about, in the process of, or have recently left a narcissist, it’s helpful to keep in mind the information set out above. There’s no doubt that many victims of narcissists go back to them at least once after leaving. That’s a common and understandable occurrence. It doesn’t suggest any weakness or lack of intelligence; it’s related to being a human who wants to feel loved and to not feel that they have been wasting precious time in a particular relationship. Never feel ashamed or weak if you return to a narcissist and then find yourself in the same situation in not too long. Removing oneself from narcissistic abuse happens in stages as we become increasingly aware. And wanting to believe that someone you love could change for the better is not a negative mark on your character. Believing in the potential for change and love is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, not everyone in our lives is up for the challenge. That’s their issue, not ours.
Armed with information about narcissistic tactics can help, though, to get us through the process of walking away when we feel it’s time and having the awareness of what would likely happen if we were to return. Knowledge is power. And as I mention often, asking ourselves honestly how this person truly makes us feel is an informative gauge to use in our decision-making with regard to the relationship. Do you feel loved or like a burden in their life? Are you treated with respect or disdain? Do you feel supported or sabotaged? Are your accomplishments/talents/skills encouraged and appreciated or is a never-ending list of alleged flaws being regularly highlighted? Do you feel comfortable in their presence or as though you’re walking on eggshells? Can you be yourself around them or do you need to filter or change who you are in order to be even slightly accepted and not constantly condescended to? Look at the entirety of your relationship and assess it overall with these types of questions. Honesty is integral. And listen to not only your mind but to your heart and soul. Tune out all external voices and opinions and tune in to yourself. The answers are always there when you’re ready to hear them.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin and Twitter
If you are currently in a situation where you have to endure interactions with a narcissist, here are a few ways to stay strong, balanced and uphold your boundaries:
- Do your best to avoid being drawn into their negativity. Using the ‘grey rock’ technique of being non-emotional, as boring as possible and generally rock-like can often deter a narcissist because they can’t get the reactions that they are hoping to.
- Walk away rather than being drawn into a cyclical argument or rant against you or someone meaningful in your life.
- Keep yourself grounded by taking a walk outside, talking to someone other than the narcissist, taking part in activities that keep your mind from wandering to the narcissistic nonsense, or anything else that works for you.
- Reminding yourself that you are dealing with someone whose main goal is to protect their fragile and highly sensitive ego at all costs. Recognizing that their issues are their own and that the behaviour they exhibit has nothing to do with you.
- If you so choose, begin making plans to go low or no contact with the narcissist. Just the thought of breaking free from a narcissistically-inclined person can often be enough to lift spirits and clear the mind.
- Self-care is incredibly important when regular interaction with a narcissist is necessary for whatever reason. Take a long bath, read a book, go for a walk in nature, watch something on Netflix, etc. Whatever you enjoy doing, do it. Taking care of yourself is especially beneficial when interacting with problematic people because it can help to keep your strength up on all levels.
- Mindfulness – bring your mind to the present moment, without judgment. See the narcissist’s behaviour for what it is (their issues), take a few deep breaths and go on with doing what you need to do.
When it comes to dealing with narcissists, learning the tools that work best for you to stay strong and not be drawn in is a great step to take for your own wellbeing and further developing coping strategies. If you would like a support system to help you with these strategies, contact us as set out below.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
If you are/have been in a relationship with a narcissistically-inclined individual, here are some of the most common results:
- You believe that you can’t live without the other person. (codependence)
- The other person uses you as their scapegoat.
- You feel as though you are often under attack in a variety of ways (judged, criticized, devalued, made fun of, spoken to in a condescending fashion, made to feel like you’re a problem, told that you’re responsible for the other person’s feelings and issues, yelled at or spoken to in a harsh manner, etc.).
- You have regular feelings of anxiety, depression, worry and fearfulness.
- You don’t trust your judgments or abilities, and you begin to give up on yourself and view yourself as a failure.
- You no longer feel as though you have a voice.
- You feel as though you must somehow be deserving of the poor treatment.
- You fear being abandoned (trauma bonds).
- You lose touch with other people because this person has isolated you from them.
- You don’t feel like yourself anymore, which leaves you feeling lost and hopeless.
- The roller coaster ride of silent treatments and abusive behaviour mixed with love-bombing and ‘good days’ has you confused and disoriented.
- You feel as though you are always ‘running on empty’; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted (sometimes financially as well).
- You may develop complex PTSD (C-PTSD).
This is by no means an exhaustive list but it definitely includes some of the more common items experienced by those in a relationship with a narcissist, be it romantic, family, work, etc.
If you find yourself regularly experiencing these types of symptoms in relation to someone in your life, it would be beneficial to view them as red flags. Regardless of what someone may try to tell you to explain everything away or blame it on you, no one deserves to be treated with abuse and disrespect. If someone’s treatment and attitude towards you makes you feel badly about yourself or ‘less than’, the situation needs your attention and action. It may seem simpler to maintain the status quo and give the person the benefit of the doubt that they’re just ‘having a bad day’ or ‘didn’t mean it that way’, but it isn’t worth the price you will pay for this narcissistic treatment as time goes by. Narcissistic abuse is insidious. It creeps in and gradually breaks you down. Narcissists tend to prey on kind, forgiving and non-confrontational people, and they count on those traits to allow them to continue their abusive ways. By the time you really begin to notice the negative effects, you will already have been impacted, sometimes quite deeply, in a variety of ways.
Many of us, after the fact, wish that we had listened to our intuition and heeded the red flags that we noticed early on, rather than sweeping it all under the rug and trudging forward, allowing the acceptance of abuse as a way of life until it just feels ‘normal’. Trust your gut; it will set off alarm bells but you need to be willing to listen and believe it. Trust what you have noticed in someone and within your relationship. If something seems off, there’s a good chance that it is off. Take the time you need to assess a situation but don’t be afraid to walk away from it at any point. You have the right to your own choices and you owe it to yourself to do whatever is in your best interests. Forget about what anyone else thinks. Trust yourself. You are strong enough to make things work, no matter what happens. If you can avoid a narcissistic abuse situation, it’s so much preferred to anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, etc., and the years of therapy/coaching, self-help and soul-searching that will be needed after having gone through it.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
One of the regular themes in my posts is to listen to your gut/intuition. Another one that is of importance for everybody, but particularly if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, is to listen to your body. Both of these things aim to keep us safe and healthy.
Stress doesn’t just take a toll within our minds in the form of depression, anxiety and other mental wellness symptoms; it also manifests itself in our bodies in negative ways. High blood pressure, stomach problems, headaches/migraines, muscle armoring, and the list goes on. Our minds, emotions and bodies are intricately connected; when one part is suffering, it seeps into the other parts.
Our bodies are always communicating to us about physical issues. The key is to listen and try to make positive changes that will lend themselves to healing and stability. For instance, when I recognized that my mind, soul and body were suffering from a relationship with one of the narcissists in my life (who I didn’t realize was a narcissist at the time) several years ago, I made the difficult decision to break ties with them. (And I’ve done it more than once since then.) In all honesty, I had begun to feel as though I was ‘losing my mind’, that my emotions were on a constant roller coaster ride, and that my body was literally breaking down more every day. I was in rough shape and at a point where I was terrified about what might happen to me if I didn’t take action. Stress from narcissistic abuse was constantly eating away at me from the inside. I was quickly slipping into a space that was anything but beneficial for me. The fear of becoming seriously ill eventually outweighed everything else.
Once I disconnected and found increasing amounts of peace, everything began turning around. I felt better on all levels. This all came about with a lot of therapy, introspection, mindfulness and hard work but it was much easier to do when clarity began to return to my mind because I wasn’t always operating in survival mode. Then self-care began to grow as a priority and the physical symptoms of stress from abuse began to wane. There’s no doubt in my mind that I saved my own life from losing years by listening to my intuition and body and then making choices that led the way to healing myself holistically.
It’s crucial to ‘hear’ the messages from your body, both good and bad. Our bodies are on a constant mission to maintain homeostasis (balance) but when they become overwhelmed, they let us know, through subtle signs to start – depending on the individual, for example, an ache here, a rash there, elevated blood pressure daily headaches, etc. – followed by increasingly obvious and gradually more severe symptoms and unavoidable signals that change is needed in order to remedy the situation.
The overall message is that making regular self-care a priority is incredibly important for all of us human beings, and always being open to listening to your body’s messages will help to ensure your continued wellbeing. Just like following your intuition is typically a good habit, hearing what your body is telling you is equally as vital to your overall health.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Exercise is an important part of self-care. It can be anything from stretching routines to walks to running to biking to hiking to working out with weights to swimming to skiing to skateboarding and the list goes on. Many forms of exercise don’t cost a dime to engage in.
When you add in exercise that takes place outside, it brings the element of nature to the situation. Depending upon where you are, nature often involves beautiful sights, fresh air, quiet and so on. It can help you to feel more calm and peaceful while your body experiences the many benefits of physical activity.
Sometimes the last thing we feel like doing or believe we have time for is exercise. I have often felt that way. But the truth is that after exercising, I have never once regretted doing so. In fact, I usually feel rejuvenated and energized.
Exercise can be whatever you want it to be and scheduled so that it easily fits into your life. It has a multitude of mental and physical benefits, and there are many options that come with no cost.
If you haven’t already, consider adding exercise into your life at whatever level you feel comfortable. Once you push through finding excuses not to do it, it gets easier and more enjoyable every time you engage in physical activity.
Here is a book and corresponding link to it that could be helpful if you’re interested in delving deeper into this area of self-care:
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
The definition of intuition is “the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning”.
Intuition is a tool that is always in our toolbox. The trick is to allow it to do its job by consistently listening to it and trusting in the process.
When we have narcissists in our lives, they will often convince us to listen to them rather than following our own instincts and wisdom when it comes to our life decisions. Without a doubt, this will ultimately create issues for us.
By following our intuition, in concert with using our knowledge and common sense, we tend to derive positive and beneficial outcomes. This all boils down to trusting ourselves to make good decisions. Have faith in yourself that you have the ability to manage your life. It’s never a good idea to hand over that power to anyone, especially a narcissist.
Let your intuition freely flow, listen to and trust in it, and then trust yourself to do what is best with the information available to you. Believe and trust in yourself to know what is best for you.
If you would like to delve further into the world of intuition, here is a book suggestion and link:
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
*Disclaimer: I may receive a small commission if you click on the above link and purchase the product. *