Toxic family systems bring with them SO much distress, pain, and harsh betrayal. Here’s a few of the reasons (set in the context of a narcissistic family) for why that happens:
- A narcissist is at the helm and center of the family, ruling it with brutal control, manipulation, and constant drama. There’s virtually no peace to be found, particularly for the scapegoated child.
- A narcissist parent typically has an enabling parent by their side. The enabler, in an effort to spare themselves and keep in good stead with the narcissist, will refuse to hear other perspectives, let alone protect or defend the scapegoat. Scapegoats are left feeling alone, without a voice, and ganged up on.
- Scapegoats live a life filled with judgment, criticism, blame, and control. The narcissist parent targets them on a regular basis, while the enabling parent either joins forces with the narcissist or silently stands back and watches it happen.
- Scapegoats are often pitted against the golden child(ren) of the family, and they are set up to lose every time. And if they stand up for themselves regarding their dislike for competition with family members, the narcissist parent may tell them that they’re weak and/or jealous of their sibling.
- When a scapegoat takes a stand, the narcissist parent will come after them in some way. This may involve personal attacks, silent treatments, or smear campaigns. These tactics are used by narcissists to bring people back under their control.
- Toxic family systems revolve around the narcissist or other disordered individual, and there is very little normalcy within this system. The irony is that toxic people will claim that the family is “perfect” and “better than other families”, leaving scapegoats and their siblings with a skewed picture of what healthy family systems should look like. From there, the scene is set for these individuals to go on to other dysfunctional relationships, thinking they’re ‘normal’ if they look like the system they grew up in.
Above all else, toxic families present the ultimate betrayal. They leave members, particularly scapegoats, feeling unloved, insignificant, alone, abused, confused, bullied, useless, responsible for all that is wrong in the family, and flawed beyond hope. And then all of these feelings and beliefs, based on the type of ‘love’ (which is not love at all) experienced in this family system, set members up to be at high risk for winding up in other toxic relationships as adults.
There is hope, though, no matter how much time has elapsed, and it starts with self-love. Toxic family systems, through their dysfunctional dynamics and behaviours, generally teach self-loathing and self-hatred. When we learn to love ourselves, we start on the path of setting ourselves free from the toxicity and false narratives. We deserve peace and love, and both of those things can be created from within ourselves.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
