Tag: ego

Prioritize Yourself

January 15, 2022 / / 0 Comments

I have written posts on this subject in the past but I feel that it’s important enough to repeat. If you’ve been or are currently being damaged by a toxic individual, your most important priority should be healing and getting on with your life, and not the ‘why’s’ of that person’s behaviour. I see a lot of programs online with a major focus on the narcissist and asking questions about their thought processes when they cause damage to others. The truth is that narcissists and other toxic people are disordered and broken. Hurt people hurt people. It has nothing to do with who they hurt and everything to do with protecting their fragile egos. It really is that simple. Once we understand and accept this, our own healing should be at the forefront, along with making decisions about who is in our life and to what extent.

It’s easy and very common to get pulled into the habit of trying to analyze and understand the words and actions of someone who has caused us damage, especially when it’s someone we love. Another reaction is often a desire to help this person to see the error of their ways and how much pain they’ve caused us so that they can (hopefully) change for the better. Sadly, toxic people, narcissists in particular, rarely change, especially in any permanent, positive way. Improving themselves requires introspection, and their sensitive egos, with their need to always be right and superior, couldn’t possibly handle being wrong about anything. They need to make everyone else the scapegoat or the ‘bad guy’ because being accountable isn’t part of their vocabulary. In fact, any suggestion of them being responsible for negativity could very likely result in them lashing out even more.

So whether you will continue to have a toxic person in your life, or to go low or no contact with them, try to focus on protecting yourself from future damage and healing from the past. Honestly, the effort to understand a narcissist’s words/actions in any depth is a waste of precious time because, quite frankly, they have no depth. Their behaviour is always about one thing and one thing only: protecting their ego. They operate in this pattern in every relationship in their lives, from family to work to friendships to romantic partners to that stranger whose car they just backed into in a parking lot.

You deserve to heal and enjoy your life. Prioritize yourself. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. And make those tough decisions about who you allow in your life because that will set the tone for either peace or discontent. It’s your call. You have that power so use it wisely.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Tactics used by Narcissists to control and/or silence others – Part 2

May 10, 2021 / / 0 Comments

So continuing on from Part 1 of this topic of the tactics used by narcissists in order to control and/or silence others, here are some further items:

Nitpicking and Constantly Changing the Rules – Narcissists are renowned for nitpicking their targets. They will complain about anything and everything about you and your behaviour, right down to the smallest of details. It’s a constant barrage of judgments and criticisms. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It feels like a perpetual storm cloud over your head. In terms of constantly changing the rules, no matter how much proof is provided or action is taken on your part to meet whatever expectations the narcissistic individual has created, they will continue to demand more proof and also set up new expectations (moving the goalposts). There’s definitely no winning in this situation. How to stay strong: Ensure that you validate and approve of yourself despite what you’re hearing from the narcissist. Try to spend time with people who are positive and kind.

Avoiding Accountability by Changing the Subject – Narcissists are professionals at making subject changes in order to avoid accepting accountability for their actions and behaviour. Typically these subject changes involve making you and all of your alleged flaws the topic of the conversation instead. Accountability for a narcissist equates to damaging their ego and they will do pretty much anything to avoid that scenario. How to stay strong: If you feel that you need to have this discussion, one technique is to continue to redirect the narcissist to the facts at hand. If it isn’t worth it to continue trying to make them accountable, simply disengage.

Name-Calling, Sarcasm, Condescension, Shaming, Insults Disguised as Jokes, and Covert and Overt Threats – When a narcissistic person is not getting their way in the form of controlling and/or silencing you, they will quite often resort to name-calling. The tactic here involves intimidating and belittling you into submission as well as breaking down your confidence and willingness to stand up for yourself. Narcissists will also say something offensive and insulting and then, if you call them out on it, they will claim they were ‘only joking’ and that you need to not be so sensitive and learn to recognize a joke. These dysfunctional people will also use sarcasm, condescension and shaming in very passive-aggressive ways in order to get their message across without being direct about it (which leaves their targets wondering if they truly are ‘taking things the wrong way’). In terms of threats, both covert and overt, these can arise out of a difference of opinion or as a result of your implementation or continued enforcement of boundaries. Again, this is meant to intimidate you into silence and/or compliance with the narcissist’s many rules. How to stay strong: The best response to name-calling, insults veiled as jokes, etc., and/or threats is to put a quick end to the interaction and make it clear that you won’t tolerate intimidation, bullying and disrespect. Then try to ensure that you don’t internalize any of the nonsense that was spewed at you. It’s all fiction and absolutely without substance or truth. None of it is about you; it’s all about the disordered individual and their many issues.

Baiting You and Then Feigning Innocence – A regular ploy used by most narcissists is to bait you (they love starting drama and get bored without it!) and then feign innocence. This involves doing or saying something that they know will hurt or upset you and then when you react, they behave as though they don’t know what you’re going on about plus you’ve victimized them in the bargain. “I didn’t mean anything by that. What are you talking about? How could you even think that of me? You’re such a mean person”. And just like that, they’ve upset/hurt you, made it seem like your over-sensitivity and paranoia caused you to get upset over nothing, and then you allegedly went on to victimize them when they did absolutely nothing to attract your wrath. Tripple-whammy! How to stay strong: One of the tricks to coping with this tactic is to not allow yourself to be baited in the first place. Once you become accustomed to what baiting involves (once you see the specific pattern and cues, you will know what to look for every time), you can refuse to enter the arena before the game even gets started. Shut it down and move on with your day.

There are a few other tactics used by narcissists to control and/or silence their targets but the above are the main ones. Narcissists need to control the people around them in order to maintain their ego-protecting bubble and never have to face accountability for their toddler-like and negative behaviour. If they can’t control someone in their environment, then their next step is to attempt to silence them. As I mentioned in Part 1, the best thing we can do is to educate ourselves on these tactics, learn to recognize them no matter what attempts are made to disguise them, take steps to remove or protect ourselves from these strategies (picturing yourself covered in bubble wrap that keeps the narcissist’s negativity from accessing you is a great use of imagery for strength and protection), and then ensure that we don’t allow any of it to damage our self-esteem or personal peace. If we keep in mind that the behaviours of narcissists have nothing to do with anyone but them and we learn not to personalize it, it can make a major difference in our lives and wellbeing. Knowledge is power and this is particularly true in these situations. And be aware that low contact or no contact with toxic people are always options at any point in time for any type of relationship. Stay strong!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

It’s possible to steer clear of the narcissist’s storm

March 9, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Narcissists – they’re a dramatic bunch. Their antics often blow in like a storm. Most of what they do involves attention-seeking tactics, gossiping as though it’s their life’s mission, and over-the-top scenes to convey their false victimhood to anyone willing to listen. It’s all one big show to protect and feed their fragile egos.

In virtually all cases, narcissistic behaviour involves blaming someone else for either something they actually did or potentially for an event that is completely fictional. This allows the narcissist to shift responsibility and accountability away from themselves (or, in the case of a fictional event, create drama because they thoroughly enjoy it) while making a show of putting someone else down (which makes them feel ‘more than’) and usually creating a victim story for themselves in the process. It’s a triple-whammy against whoever their target happens to be. Not only are they accusing you of wrongdoing and berating your character for it, but they may also be adding in some false injustice that you carried out against them in the process.

My advice is to not take any of it personally. This has nothing to do with anyone but the narcissist. They may be looking for attention because they are in need of an ego boost, seeking out drama because they’re bored, trying to escape accountability, etc. You’re just a pawn in their game. Simply refuse to play.

If the narcissist’s newest ploy (bringing other people into it while putting you on the hotseat, for example) causes issues that need to be resolved, face it head-on and try to leave emotion out of it. State the facts, don’t engage with the narcissist and then move forward. Stay calm and don’t get drawn into their storm. A narcissist will bog you down in arguments and pointless details for days or more if you allow it. They thrive on drama and conflict. The best thing you can do to protect yourself is to give the situation the minimum amount of energy possible (if it’s something that even needs to be dealt with; much of what narcissists do is quite ignorable) in a business-like way and then be done with all of it. This will hopefully shut it all down and also make the narcissist less likely to target you in the future. When they realize that someone has seen through them and their ongoing trouble-making, they will typically discard that person eventually and replace them with someone who doesn’t yet ‘have their number’. Quite honestly, having a narcissistic personality must be a hellish way to go through life – so much of their energy goes into ego-stroking. It can be helpful to view a narcissist through that lens because it allows you to see that almost everything they do revolves around themselves and their fragile, overly sensitive egos. That, quite honestly, is pitiful, and awareness of it is a major key in dealing with narcissists.

To sum it up, I always recommend reacting to narcissistic behaviour as briefly as possible and attempting to keep it emotionless. They prey on our emotions so do your best to leave those out of it. Once you’ve said or done whatever is necessary to prevent or repair issues created by the narcissist’s latest manipulation, leave it be. Take away any energy or emotion so that there isn’t anything for them to feed on. This requires practice but it’s completely achievable in time. And, best of all, it works.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Narcissists and accountability – like oil and water

December 28, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Lack of accountability is a major element of narcissism. Why? Because being accountable, in the mind of the narcissist, is tantamount to being ‘wrong’ or ‘imperfect’, which would likely damage their fragile ego. As a result, accountability is not part of their vocabulary when it comes to themselves. Everyone around them, though, is required to be highly accountable for absolutely everything, including the mistakes of the narcissist.

If it isn’t positive, the narcissist wants NOTHING to do with it. Like oil and water, narcissists and accountability don’t mix. In their mind, any negative issue has to be attributable to someone else’s weakness, error or problem. As noted above, at its very root, accountability doesn’t work for narcissists because being ‘wrong’ in the eyes of others or themselves would be too damaging to the ego that they spend every waking moment trying to protect. This is one of the most basic foundations on which narcissism operates. They will deflect being accountable like it might mortally wound them if they don’t. They will outright lie, pass blame, make false accusations, throw a fit; whatever they need to do to push away accountability, they’re usually ready and willing to do so.

Keeping this in mind when dealing with someone you feel may be a narcissist is a very helpful tool. Once you’ve learned to see through all of the deflections and fabrications, you will notice that ego is virtually always behind lack of accountability for something that is clearly attributable to the individual in question. How or if we challenge them on it goes on a case-by-case basis, but ensuring that we don’t accept blame for actions that don’t belong to us helps to avoid future self-esteem issues.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Triangulation – a tactic often used by narcissists

December 14, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Triangulation is an all-time favourite tactic of many people with narcissistic tendencies. Divide and conquer. Control and manipulate for the benefit of ego. Simple yet effective.

In the family environment, a narcissist will often take the positive and negative parts of their own self-image and project them onto their children. If there are two siblings, one will become the golden child and will have all of the positive traits piled onto them. No matter what they do, they can do no wrong in the eyes of the dysfunctional parent. As for the negative traits, they will be bestowed upon the scapegoat child, who will be viewed as doing everything wrong no matter how hard they try. In a family with only one child, the narcissistic parent may at times go back and forth between the positive and negative as it is placed on this individual. Or the child may always be either all good or all bad. Where more than two children are part of the family, these dynamics can stretch to all of them at times. Going back to the case of two siblings, the narcissistic parent will regularly compare the two children and play them against each other, touting the virtues of the golden child while heavily criticizing the scapegoat child. Many times, the siblings will end up disliking one another because they are constantly being compared. In the end, what the parent wants is the drama and attention. The golden child will adore them for always giving unending amounts of praise, while the scapegoated child will likely spend much time trying to please the parent to no avail. The narcissist controls the entire narrative with manipulation. Trusting that their parent would never do them harm and that this is ‘normal’ behaviour within a family, along with being too afraid to discuss it if they did indeed notice it, the children are typically unaware of what is truly happening. This does much damage to relationships and the wellbeing of the entire family. There are also cases where the narcissist will triangulate a child with the other parent or extended family members.

This dynamic also often plays out in romantic relationships. A narcissistic partner will suddenly begin to overtly show interest in another person and will subtly (or sometimes not-so-subtly) compare their current partner with the outsider. This leads to insecurities for the partner. The narcissist will also do the same to the new person but typically on the basis of complaining about how terrible their current partner treats them, etc., leaving them feeling as though they need to fight for the narcissist and save them from the clutches of this cruel abuser. This is also an easy way for the narcissist to send messages to one person through another, without directly addressing the first person. For example, the new person may send a cruel text to the current partner, telling them something unkind (which is based on lies that they are oblivious to), while thinking that they’re defending the narcissist (who is portraying themselves as a hapless victim) against damage. These two people, the current and new partners, will generally have little or no contact with one another (often complete strangers), which leaves the situation entirely in the control of the narcissist. Why would someone do this? It gives them power, control, drama, and the attention they seek to feed their fragile ego. Eventually, they will tire of the game and will then typically discard one of the love interests. Whoever ‘wins’ the prize of the narcissist will no doubt be drawn into future triangulations, maybe even being discarded at some point. It’s a never-ending cycle. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies are never content and are always looking for whatever or whoever they think will better suit their needs.

Narcissists will use triangulation in a variety of situations (school, workplace, social groups, etc.) but the above scenarios are the most common. This tactic allows them to manipulate and control others for the benefit of their own dysfunction and ego. Does a narcissist realize what they are doing? Possibly. But in the end, it serves to fulfill their strong and constant need for ego-stroking and drama, which is most important to them. They can callously turn two people against one another while drawing what they feel is much-needed attention for themselves in order to feed and protect their sensitive ego.

If you find yourself being triangulated, the best course of action is to remove yourself from it in any way possible and remind yourself that none of it is truly about you. No one needs to be a pawn in a disordered person’s twisted games. The potential consequences are too severe – self-esteem issues, eventual trauma, broken relationships, trust issues and so on. When we refuse to play the game, we are protecting ourselves from harm. No matter what message a manipulative person may try to convey to you, no one deserves to be the victim of triangulation.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

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