Tag: courage (Page 1 of 2)

Engage in ‘Flow’ for Self-Care

August 10, 2023 / / 0 Comments

From the field of what is known as positive psychology, the theory of ‘flow’ was created in the 1970s after studies were conducted on participants who were doing things for pleasure, without any form of monetary reward or fame. This research project was led by psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. 

So, what exactly is ‘flow’, you might wonder? A great definition of it is that it is a state of mind in which an individual becomes fully immersed in an activity. It’s one of those times when someone becomes completely absorbed in an experience. It is energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment of the process of the activity or experience. Time flies by and a person has the feeling of being in ‘the zone’.  Which means that everyone will have different activities in which they experience ‘flow’. It could be within the arts or sciences, athletics, personal hobbies, time in nature, and so on. Virtually anything that someone derives pleasure from and loses themselves in. For some, it may feel like only moments have passed while it has, in fact, been hours.

And ‘flow’ can be particularly useful as a form of self-help for anyone who is dealing with toxic people and/or challenging situations. It isn’t always possible to access professional help when we feel we need it, so it’s beneficial to have resources in our personal toolbox. And the more we put these into practice, the easier it is to implement self-help methods at any time. Being in a ‘flow’ state can mentally take us away from difficult circumstances and provide a temporary reprieve. Even just a few moments of listening to a favourite musical artist or taking a walk in nature, for instance, can provide someone who loves those things with much-needed self-care and empowerment.

When we’re in difficult circumstances, particularly with narcissists and other disordered people, it can be easy to forget to take care of ourselves and to do things we love. But it is especially important for us to eke out time for these activities when we are in need of inner strength and rejuvenation.  It often doesn’t take much immersion into our chosen activity to see significant benefits.

When life gets tough … when difficult and/or toxic people are at their worst … whatever the situation may be, it’s time to dig deep into self-help. And if professional resources are needed, always remember to reach out to those individuals. But in the meantime, find those experiences and activities that are meaningful.  A state of ‘flow’ is always waiting there, ready to provide a reprieve and positive energy. Go with your ‘flow’.

*Copy-and-paste link to books on the subject of the state of ‘flow’:  https://amzn.to/3s9kvkM

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

 

Toxic Family System – Basics Refresher

July 25, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hey there! So I thought it might be beneficial to go over dysfunctional and toxic family systems, such as is found with narcissists. This is a topic I’ve written about in the past, but I’m aware that there are always people coming to the blog who are in the beginning stages of trying to understand their situation.

Typically, there will be one narcissist at the helm of a family. Occasionally there will be two, but that’s a rarity. Why? Because narcissists generally gravitate towards partners who will make them the center of attention, and two narcissists couldn’t realistically supply each other with all of that ego-stroking. They want their ego stroked, and they aren’t interested in authentically doing that for anyone else. So partners of narcissists tend to be what is described as enablers. These individuals don’t take a stand for themselves or any children they may have with the narcissist. And they spend the majority of their time attempting to keep the peace and ensure that the narcissist is happy — at any cost. Enabling behaviour may also involve spending as little time at home as possible, leaving children entirely alone with the narcissist parent.

Next, in any narcissistic family there needs to be a scapegoat or black sheep amongst their children. In some cases, there’s more than one scapegoat. Scapegoats are chosen by the narcissist at birth or a young age (for any number of ridiculous reasons from gender to intelligence, physical traits, personality, and so on) and, at the urging of the narcissist parent, are blamed for everything by everyone in the family, including by their golden child sibling(s). There are many stories of scapegoats being told they have been the problem in their family since they were born! I know…it makes absolutely no sense, but that’s the way this dysfunctional system operates.

Golden child was made mention of in the previous paragraph. This child is also chosen by the narcissist, but for entirely different reasons than the scapegoat (yet it’s typically as senseless as the reasons behind the narcissist’s choice of a scapegoat). This golden child can do no wrong, ever. They are viewed as perfection itself by the narcissistic parent. The perfect baby, the smartest and funniest child, the most attractive teenager — you get the picture. And this adoration continues into adulthood for the golden child, while the scapegoat is unable to cast off their negative label no matter what they’ve accomplished in life.

The narcissistic family system requires everyone to play their assigned roles. The narcissist has all of the power and control over the family. The enabling parent needs to supply the narcissist with ongoing support, ego-stroking, and undying love. These enabling parents will throw their scapegoat child(ren) to the wolves time and again if it means keeping the peace between themselves and their narcissist partner. And this is because not only have they been told over and over again how ‘fill-in-the-blank-with-a-negative-word’ the scapegoat is, to the point that it’s simply accepted as fact, but if they don’t go along with the narcissist, their life is made miserable by narcissistic abuse. It is rare for an enabling parent to defend a scapegoat child for those very reasons. The golden child receives never-ending praise and is a source of great pride for the narcissist parent. And the scapegoat is the one who can never do anything right and is constantly having fingers pointed at them as the cause of all issues within the family (even though they probably haven’t done anything, or anything worth such berating).

From within this system, it’s easy for scapegoats to find themselves in other abusive relationships as they get older. When you’re told you’re always in the wrong and to blame for everyone’s problems, it’s easy to feel like that’s ‘normal’. It can be said that scapegoats often gravitate towards toxic people, and the reverse is also true. Toxic people need others to abuse and control, while scapegoats have been conditioned to follow orders and accept whatever is dished out to them. It’s an unfortunate but ideal pairing.

But once we see it — the abusive behaviour, controlling, gaslighting, unfairness —  it’s difficult to un-see it. And although it’s common to feel stuck, there are ways out of this role and, if we choose, out of these relationships. Boundaries, low contact, no contact, etc. To start, though, we can begin to heal by empowering ourselves and recognizing our value. There are posts about all of this within the Natural Clarity Coaching blog pages, and there will be more to come. Because it’s all about empowerment and healing. Feel free to drop in and read posts at any time. They were written to empower, support, and give hope.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

Put the focus on healing

July 19, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I’ve written about this topic in the past but felt that it was worth talking about again.

When we realize that someone in our life is toxic — whether it involves narcissism or some other form of dysfunction — it’s incredibly important to focus on our healing. It’s easy to get tangled up in the why’s of the situation … why do/did they treat me that way? … why are/were they like this? … and so on. The truth is, though, that  we can spend all kinds of time wondering about someone else and their intentions and behaviour, but it’s unlikely that we’ll ever truly know the why’s of it. And that’s okay. We don’t need to understand anything more than that toxic people are toxic people. The priority is to heal ourselves and not waste precious time wondering about someone else.

And the most amazing things happen when we heal ourselves from the acts of abusive people, including the improved abilities to pick up quickly on red flags, create and maintain boundaries, and, best of all, know our value and the steps we’ll bravely take to protect ourselves if anyone disrespects us in any way in the future. Truth be told, it’s highly unlikely that healed people will allow toxic people to stay in or come into their lives, or, at least, close enough to be able to cause any harm. And, yes, this includes family, partners, friends, and so on.  Toxic people come in all forms.  Regardless of who they are, we have every right to protect ourselves and our peace. Many of us will have grown up in dysfunctional environments and were trained to accept abusive behaviour as ‘normal’, but when we heal and grow, well, let’s just say that once we see dysfunction and abuse and the people who perpetrate them with open eyes, we can’t easily un-see any of it. And going back into that mess is not a desirable goal.

I’ve viewed many websites that talk about getting back at the narcissist, or trying to figure out why they hurt us. While it’s helpful to understand, in general, about toxic people and that their actions have absolutely nothing to do with us, it’s most advantageous for us to put time into our own selves and lives. That’s where the rubber meets the road, as they say. Because when we heal and learn to appreciate ourselves and our value, issues with toxic people will undoubtedly drop off. Why? We’re stronger, we learn to appreciate peace and what it’s like to have it around us, and we know without a doubt that life is too short to waste on toxic individuals and that our future happiness is worth its weight in gold.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

Enablers are often abused by narcissists

December 9, 2022 / / 0 Comments

 

For many of us – whether we are no contact, low contact, or still involved with our family of origin – witnessing or hearing about a narcissist abusing their enabler will be a common theme.  This could be parents, grandparents, siblings in unhealthy relationships, etc.  When we make choices to protect ourselves from narcissistic abuse, we may also lose our connection with the enabler.  It can feel like a double-whammy and a huge loss.  Although enablers can often seem like accessories to the behaviour of narcissists, let’s take a look at things from their perspective.

Enabling personalities will justify or indirectly support the often harmful behaviour of narcissists.  In most cases, this is unintentional.  It could be the result of the enabler having been raised in a toxic family and feeling that the dynamics are ‘normal’ in adulthood.  And the other main reason can be that the enabler is also narcissistically abused by their partner.  This typically rotates with special treatment in order for the narcissist to keep the enabler hooked.  In essence, though, going along with the narcissist creates the least amount of suffering for the enabler.  It’s not right or fair to anyone involved, particularly scapegoated children of any age, but it’s typically the best way for enablers to keep some semblance of peace in their lives.  While we may have high expectations of our parents, they are only human in the end.

So while looking at an enabler from the perspective of also being a target of the narcissist can sometimes be a difficult task, it can also be helpful for scapegoats to be aware of it, even if just to understand that their seemingly complicit behaviour isn’t personal against us.  This is definitely not an excuse for their being an often unwitting accessory to toxic actions, or at the very least a silent onlooker, but it’s a valid explanation.  Enablers are essentially programmed to go along with dysfunction.  In my experience and in hearing the experiences of many others, enablers suffer, too.  I’ve heard stories of enablers facing health challenges and being met with a ‘partner’ (using that term lightly) who has zero empathy, care, or concern.  In fact, the narcissist may even complain about how these health issues are inconvenient for them.  Despite the enabler’s loyalty to this person, they rarely or never see any reciprocation.  Narcissists cause suffering for everyone around them, unless we find ways to distance ourselves from them.  And when we do take steps to protect ourselves, we may then be witness to ongoing abuse against enablers.  We may even wish we could rescue them.  But, unfortunately, protecting ourselves against narcissistic people is a personal decision that needs to happen for each of us independently.  And trying to force anything can bring down a bigger storm of abuse on enablers.

Although any kind of ties with narcissists are never just, uncomplicated, or painless, it’s helpful to lessen the sting if we don’t view an enabler as part of a ‘team’ working against us with a toxic family member.  In many cases, as I’ve mentioned, enablers have grown up in abusive families, only to wind up with more abusers due to the patterns of dysfunction that they think are normal and familiar.  It’s sad, really.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

The betrayal of a toxic family system

October 27, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Toxic family systems bring with them SO much distress, pain, and harsh betrayal.  Here’s a few of the reasons (set in the context of a narcissistic family) for why that happens:

  1.  A narcissist is at the helm and center of the family, ruling it with brutal control, manipulation, and constant drama.  There’s virtually no peace to be found, particularly for the scapegoated child.
  2. A narcissist parent typically has an enabling parent by their side.  The enabler, in an effort to spare themselves and keep in good stead with the narcissist, will refuse to hear other perspectives, let alone protect or defend the scapegoat.  Scapegoats are left feeling alone, without a voice, and ganged up on.
  3. Scapegoats live a life filled with judgment, criticism, blame, and control.  The narcissist parent targets them on a regular basis, while the enabling parent either joins forces with the narcissist or silently stands back and watches it happen.
  4. Scapegoats are often pitted against the golden child(ren) of the family, and they are set up to lose every time.  And if they stand up for themselves regarding their dislike for competition with family members, the narcissist parent may tell them that they’re weak and/or jealous of their sibling.
  5. When a scapegoat takes a stand, the narcissist parent will come after them in some way.  This may involve personal attacks, silent treatments, or smear campaigns.  These tactics are used by narcissists to bring people back under their control.
  6. Toxic family systems revolve around the narcissist or other disordered individual, and there is very little normalcy within this system.  The irony is that toxic people will claim that the family is “perfect” and “better than other families”, leaving scapegoats and their siblings with a skewed picture of what healthy family systems should look like.  From there, the scene is set for these individuals to go on to other dysfunctional relationships, thinking they’re ‘normal’ if they look like the system they grew up in.

Above all else, toxic families present the ultimate betrayal.  They leave members, particularly scapegoats, feeling unloved, insignificant, alone, abused, confused, bullied, useless, responsible for all that is wrong in the family, and flawed beyond hope.  And then all of these feelings and beliefs, based on the type of ‘love’ (which is not love at all) experienced in this family system, set members up to be at high risk for winding up in other toxic relationships as adults.

There is hope, though, no matter how much time has elapsed, and it starts with self-love.  Toxic family systems, through their dysfunctional dynamics and behaviours, generally teach self-loathing and self-hatred.  When we learn to love ourselves, we start on the path of setting ourselves free from the toxicity and false narratives.  We deserve peace and love, and both of those things can be created from within ourselves.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Thanksgiving

October 8, 2022 / / 0 Comments

For those of you celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend, enjoy! Consider taking a few moments to reflect on everything for which you are grateful in your life, right down to the smallest of things.

If you’re spending time with toxic family and/or friends, you are not alone in that situation. There is a community of people behind you who are having similar experiences, and they are sending you vibes of strength and courage.

If you’re spending the occasion on your own, or being left out, or have gone no contact with family and/or friends, there is also a community of people behind you, sending you vibes of healing and empowerment. They know what you’re going through because they’re going through it, too.

No matter what a special occasion holds in terms of who is or isn’t around, just keep in mind that you always have YOU. And you are more than enough, you are important, you are deserving of love and respect, and you are strong enough to deal with anything that comes your way.

Happy Thanksgiving weekend!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

It’s YOUR Life

September 1, 2022 / / 0 Comments

As a member of many online groups on the subject of dealing with narcissists and other toxic individuals, I have observed a variety of common themes within posts. A main current is that of one’s life not feeling like their own. This typically takes the shape of people being almost constantly bombarded with opinions, criticisms, and unsolicited advice about how they should be living their lives, particularly as adults. And, taking it one step further, if the individual doesn’t conform to the opinions, criticisms, and unsolicited advice of these people (narcissistic parents, partners, friends, colleagues, etc.), they will be faced with some form of punishment such as the silent treatment or abandonment, guilt-tripping, a smear campaign, or some other manipulative treatment meant to cause someone to “do as they’re told”.

What we need to keep in mind is that this is OUR life. No one else has the right to tell us how to live it, nor do we owe anyone explanations for our decisions. If someone feels that it’s acceptable to dole out punishment because we have not followed their advice on something within our own life, that’s very telling of their character and not ours. And we have no obligation whatsoever to anyone but ourselves when it comes to our life decisions. Going forward, we may also need to evaluate our relationships with those who feel that they are justified in telling us how to live and then trying to manipulate and control us into doing what they want. There are ways (such as low or no contact, placing boundaries, etc.) to protect ourselves from that type of behaviour.

If we follow our hearts and dreams, trust ourselves as captains of our own ships, and steer clear of other people’s unsolicited interference in our decision-making (very different situation from those times we may approach a trusted individual for advice), we will be fine. And, in all honesty, we all make mistakes. We’re human. As long as we learn from those mistakes, that’s all part and parcel of a growth mindset. It makes us stronger, gives us greater knowledge and experience, and empowers us as we journey through life. No one is intended to have others run their life for them. Nor should we feel guilty or wrong if we make our own decisions. We need to take our own path, believe in ourselves, and not be held back by anyone or anything. So, get out there and live life to its fullest and on your own terms.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Understanding Narcissism So That You Can Get On With Life

November 12, 2021 / / 0 Comments

From my experience and more reading on the topic than I care to remember, narcissism can be brought down to one word: ego. But it may not be in the way you might imagine.

Narcissists actually have quite fragile egos. At some point in their lives, they have been deeply hurt (quite likely by a narcissist). In an effort to protect themselves from future damage and painful emotions, they spend a great deal of time attempting to maintain and build up their egos. This often leads to diminishing, manipulating and controlling other people when required. If they can make someone else feel ‘less than’ themselves, then their ego gets a boost. As a result, they don’t need to feel badly about themselves for the moment.

Narcissists are disordered individuals with incredibly sensitive and easily bruised egos. Consider any recent interaction with a potentially narcissistic person. When you remove their word salad of blaming and complete lack of accountability, what’s left? Typically what you will see is a person who was deflecting and projecting blame or shame or something else that they have deemed to be negative. And why? Simply because they can’t handle the feelings that go along with being wrong or flawed or…well, human. Being blamed for something might just require them to look at themselves, and for a narcissist, that’s a path filled with incredibly thorny branches. As long as they can present a puffed-up persona to the world, their hope is that everyone believes it, including them.

Coping skills are greatly lacking in narcissists. So they have their go-to patterns of dysfunctional behaviors and reactions that they predictably fall back on because they believe it will keep their egos safe from any further harm. They project, deflect, gaslight, manipulate, throw guilt around, give the silent treatment, and any number of other things. Yes, in the process they often hurt other people. But they can only hurt other people if those people allow it to hurt them. Instead, a good way to stay safe around narcissists is to filter out all of the bluster, condescension, blame, and nonsense being aimed at you or someone else, and just take a look at what and who lies beneath. What narcissists harp about is rarely in regard to the person they’re pointing fingers at. It’s a smoke and mirrors show to keep the spotlight off of themselves and their own deep-seated issues, fears and fragility. They need to maintain control and power in order to avoid their fake persona collapsing and people (the narcissist included) seeing through to the truth.

Am I suggesting that we should have sympathy for narcissists, especially given the damage they do? That’s a matter of personal choice. But what I am saying is that when we learn to tear back the layers and realize that none of it is truly about us, it makes it easier to process and then move ahead in whatever way we choose. And trust me, once you do that a few times, it becomes second nature. You will quickly notice behavior that sets off your bs alarms, followed by seeing it for what it is (a fake front with the goal of ego protection), and then possibly disengaging yourself from a no-win discussion or situation.

As someone who once spent countless hours trying to ‘figure out’ the narcissists in my life, I’m sharing my insights with you to potentially save you some time. What I learned is that it’s integral to protect your peace and happiness. Do your best to see through the smoke show, don’t shoulder someone else’s issues as your own or accept disrespectful treatment, and it’s recommended that you not expect change from a narcissist. It’s rare for them to make adjustments, simply because that would require looking deeply at themselves, which is what they spend most of their time trying to avoid.

Above all else, trust how you feel. Listen to your intuition. If someone in your life tries to make you feel badly about yourself by assigning unjustified blame and attempting assaults on your character, especially on a regular basis, remove the emotion from the situation and look at their words and actions from a neutral space. What you will more than likely find is that this is about them, not you. Then be sure to remember that you have a right to personal peace, positivity and boundaries, supportive people around you, and to be treated with respect and kindness. Try not to allow anyone else’s issues to impact negatively on your well-being.

Narcissism is fairly straightforward once you know what it looks like and why it’s happening. Armed with an understanding of it, you’ll have the skills to protect yourself and the freedom to get on with living your best life without being held back by other people’s complications.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

If You Can’t Beat Fear, Just Do It Scared

August 13, 2021 / / 0 Comments

A saying that I’m quite fond of is, “If you can’t beat fear, just do it scared”.

Sometimes “doing it scared” can be our best option for an improvement in our current situation. But, of course, taking a risk, a leap of faith, if you will, can be terrifying.

As someone who has left circumstances involving narcissistic abuse, I spent a lot of time before leaving just going over all of the risks and possible outcomes in my mind. I analyzed until there was nothing left to analyze. What I was left with was the need to make a decision. You see, I had arrived at a point where I knew that the impact of the narcissist’s behaviour (although I was completely unaware of narcissism at that time) was so damaging that I couldn’t subject myself to it much longer. I was feeling constantly anxious, depressed, worried, confused, blamed, fearful, unloved, joyless and so on. It was literally breaking me more with each passing day. In a state of sheer desperation, I reached out to a women’s shelter who then put me in touch with an in-house social worker. Finally … a support system to help me. Together, we worked through my options, made a plan and, with her strong and reliable support, I was able to remove myself from a situation that had become intolerable. Getting back to the topic of this post, I did all of this scared. Terrified, really. Getting past the fear – of leaving a significant relationship, starting over in every way and wondering if it would all work out – was not happening. That fear was going nowhere fast. So in the depths of being scared, I took the leap anyway. I couldn’t beat fear so I did it scared. And despite all of those concerns and eventual risk taken, it turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

The bottom line is that we humans sometimes have to take action while we’re scared, even terrified, of what the outcome could be. It’s a reality that some paths to a better life include what seems like rings of fire and sharp trip wires that we have to make it through. But if we need to save ourselves, we do what we need to do, even in the grips of fear.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Find Yourself

August 11, 2021 / / 0 Comments

When asked what I believe is the most important step to take towards peace, fulfillment and happiness in life, particularly during and post-narcissistic abuse and the ensuing healing journey, the answer is definitely to Find Yourself and then continue the process of building on that foundation to hone, refine and develop exactly who you feel you are and want to be.

What exactly do I mean by Find Yourself? Finding yourself means truly searching for you. It means digging through all of the biases we have been subjected to throughout our lives and really focusing on what we think, feel and place importance on. It means asking ourselves who and what in this world makes us feel loved, comforted, happy and peaceful and then sorting those out from the people and things who do the opposite. We may need to consider low contact or no contact with family, friends and others who present us with disrespect, condescension, struggle and other negativity that causes us to feel harassed, belittled, uncomfortable, unloved, sad, confused, anxious and so on.

What else might finding yourself include? Self-care and self-love are incredibly important components in this process. From the smallest of items to more obvious ones, every act of self-care and self-love is of benefit. You can read more about some self-care ideas in my previous posts.

Why is finding yourself important? Once you find yourself, you will know what is important to you, how you feel about the people and the world around you, you will know what you think and you will care enough about yourself to ensure that you take steps to protect yourself from toxic people and situations by using strategies such as boundaries and low or no contact.

So you might wonder if finding yourself is easy. The simplest answer is no, usually not. It’s a journey. But, in my opinion, it’s an essential and necessary journey that will help to bring you to a more positive, confident, self-assured place where you can feel strong enough to create and uphold boundaries and to be true to yourself every day, with anyone, in any situation.

Finding yourself is a rewarding journey, but it is especially so for those who have experienced trauma and abuse of any kind. It can help you greatly as you navigate the healing process. Working with a counsellor or life coach can also be of assistance as you move forward in your journey. Find yourself.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

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