Tag: confidence (Page 2 of 3)

Difficult Realizations

January 13, 2023 / / 0 Comments

(Just a note to start off with.  As promised, more to come on self-acceptance (see previous post) in an upcoming post.)

Anyone who reaches an awareness of the toxicity of someone in their life – be it a parent, sibling, significant other, etc. – has to have experienced a major realization at some point.  That a-ha! moment where everything (months, years, or even decades) suddenly makes sense.  “Oh, wow.  My Mom behaves like a narcissist!” or “My best friend of 10 years has been plotting to steal my partner all this time!”  Something will trigger us to see what’s really been going on.  An epiphany of sorts.

For many of us, this new reality may become crushingly clear.   It could come in the form of suddenly realizing that not only has, for example, a parent not authentically supported us throughout our lives, but they have actually been actively creating and maintaining a negative narrative in their minds about us for years.  And, beyond that, they have spread this narrative to others.  Maybe we’ve been unjustifiably portrayed as stubborn, selfish, difficult, unintelligent, overly sensitive, lazy, or unable to successfully run our own lives.  And there have likely even been occasions when we have spoken up for ourselves when subtle insinuations to these narratives have been made, only to realize that no one bothered to truly hear a word we said and simply went forward as though we had never spoken.  Why?  Because they’re more interested in keeping the narrative alive, for whatever reason.  The whole dynamic of toxic people and their enablers or other people they’ve manipulated is typically a strong one, and, in the end, people will believe what they want to believe, regardless of facts.

Let’s take a closer look at this component of someone spreading false narratives about us and those on the receiving end believing what they want to believe, typically at the urging of a toxic person or people.  Let’s face it: if the person spreading falsehoods about us happens to be a parent, many people would simply assume it must be true.  Especially those who are not well-versed in toxic behaviours within families, for example, and the mechanisms of scapegoating.  And that can be a tough pill to swallow, when you can’t understand how someone could believe something so absolutely inaccurate about you.  But, really, anyone who has their head on straight would know better than to accept any narrative about someone without hearing what that individual has to say.  And they would also have the option to avoid judgment and simply disregard the information altogether.  Where does that leave us, though, when we become aware that not only has someone we may love and trust (such as a parent) been fabricating stories about who we are, but that they’ve spread it to others who are taking it at face value?  It leaves us with the opportunity of finding the strength to embrace what our truth is while acknowledging and accepting that any number of factors and variables are at play around us at any given time.  And that we don’t need to JADE – Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain – ourselves to anyone if we choose not to do so, especially about who we are as people or regarding our own lives and the choices we make.  If someone doesn’t know who we are … who we really are as a person … then that’s their issue, not ours.   If they choose to believe someone’s false narrative about us, that’s their prerogative.  In the end, other people’s opinions and beliefs about us don’t have any bearing on who we genuinely are.  It may disrupt relationships that we thought were deeper, but that’s nothing we can’t survive.  Actually, isn’t it better to know than to go along thinking people have our back when they really don’t?  I think so.

In the end, these realizations of toxic dynamics in our families and other relationships can be upsetting, disappointing, and hurtful.  Sometimes they’re traumatic.  Believing that someone has always had our best interests at heart and then finding out that it was anything but, can be gut-wrenching.   But we are strong enough to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move forward.  Yes, it can be challenging but, in the end, we’re stronger for the lessons we’ve learned and the empowerment, awareness, and knowledge we’ve gained.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Accepting Yourself

January 13, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Toxic people often try to make others feel “less than”.  Why?  Because it makes them feel superior.  It gives them someone to criticize and point fingers at.  It protects their fragile egos.

At the heart of what we need in order to be immune from the tactics of toxic people is acceptance.  Acceptance of ourselves.  When we accept ourselves – positives, flaws, all of who we are –  we empower ourselves.  If we’ve accepted (and maybe even embraced) who we are, then what others say is less likely to have a negative impact on us.  Narcissists, flying monkeys, enablers…none of them will affect us on that level.  We know who we are and that’s that.

Learning acceptance of oneself can seem like a daunting task at first.  But it gets easier the more we engage in it.  In an upcoming post will be some suggestions for seeking out and putting into practice acceptance skills.  There’s no one-size-fits-all approach because each of us is unique.  But it’s possible to find what we need and make it a way of life.  More in the next post.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Self-Care as an investment in personal health and strength

December 31, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Self-care is something that I make note of in my writing on a regular basis.  Why?  Because it matters…a lot.

“Self-care is a sustainable and holistic investment in our minds and bodies. It includes taking good care of our physical health, most notably by eating healthily, exercising, and sleeping well. But it also entails looking after our minds and emotions, which can take the form of setting time aside for activities that nourish our spirits and learning to understand how we can best replenish our energies” (Schaffner, 2020).

When we make self-care a priority, we also make our health a priority.  Without health, what are we left with?

Self-care is of particular importance when we are interacting with toxic people.  It helps to keep us strong in all ways – mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  And while it can be incredibly challenging to find time for self-care, with toxic people either demanding all of our attention or finding ourselves too upset or stressed to focus on personal care, carving out even just a few minutes whenever possible can make a major difference.  Some narcissists, for example, create situations where we can become regularly fatigued (as with events that result in sleep deprivation), which weakens us on a holistic level.  They know that their targets are easier to control and manipulate when their defences are down.  So, if we can keep ourselves as strong as possible, we can have a better chance of not becoming absolutely overwhelmed and exhausted, which leaves us unprotected from the whims of disordered individuals.  Also, if we’ve chosen low- or no-contact with a given person or people, we need strength to uphold our boundaries and adjust to and thrive in the changes that we have chosen for ourselves.

No matter who you are or where you are at in your life’s journey, self-care truly is essential.  What self-care looks like for each person – beyond the basics of healthy eating, exercising, and adequate sleep – will be unique.  We need to tune into ourselves to find what soothes our soul and gives us energy.  Once we know what works for us, self-care routines are helpful.  But, as was mentioned above, if regular times for self-care are not currently possible, then fitting it in where we can is the next best option.  A healthy snack, taking a walk, going to bed a few minutes earlier than usual, listening to music, engaging in art of some kind, chatting with friends, playing with pets…whatever it may be that we can take even a few moments to do, it all empowers us and makes an impact.

Until next time,

Heather

~Natural Clarity Coaching~

naturalclaritycoaching.com

na********************@***il.com

Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

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References

Schaffner, A. K. (2020, May 20). How To Practice Self-Care: 10 Worksheets and 12 Ideas. PositivePsychology.com.        https://positivepsychology.com/self-care-worksheets/

Say ‘No’ To the Role of Family Scapegoat

February 18, 2022 / / 0 Comments

As I sit down to write this post here in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, I’m looking out at several inches of newly fallen snow (after a day of rain) with hope that the police and protestors involved in the Freedom Convoy in the downtown core will interact as peacefully as possible. After three weeks of trucks and protestors occupying the city center, it’s difficult to guess what the final results of the ramped up police efforts of yesterday and today will ultimately be.

On to today’s post. For anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, many of which have a narcissist at the helm, the feeling of being wrong all the time is a familiar one, particularly when it comes to emotions and opinions. We were, as children, and may still be as adults, often told what to feel or what not to feel, that our opinions and beliefs are incorrect unless they fit with a certain description, and typically that we are at fault for anything considered to be an issue within the family unit. Many of us will have been asked the question, “what did you do?” at every turn. It isn’t uncommon to be told that we’ve been the main problem within the family since we came into the world. Yes, indeed, as newborn babies we were a ‘problem’ and that trend apparently just continued throughout our lives. Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn’t it? And yet that’s what many dysfunctional families, particularly those with narcissists, would have us, the scapegoats, believe. Why? Because that way the person or people who are actually the ongoing troublemaker(s) and their loyal followers can avoid accountability or any need to look at themselves or change their toxic behavior. As long as there’s someone else to constantly put the blame on, they can continue with their dysfunctional ways.

Where does a lifetime of being told we’re wrong and always at fault tend to lead us? Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, accepting unjustified blame from other toxic people who may come into our lives, believing that everything that goes wrong around us must have been caused by us in some way, and an overall feeling that our opinions and beliefs are quite simply wrong or that we don’t have a right to speak up or be heard.

Here’s the truth of the matter: we aren’t wrong any more than anyone else is; we don’t have to accept the blame or take accountability for things we didn’t say or do; we have a right to our opinions and beliefs, whether or not they fit with those of other people, and to be heard when we choose to speak up. We shouldn’t be robbed of the benefits of confidence and self-esteem simply because making ourselves small and accepting blame allows a narcissist to keep up their facade and to manipulate and control us and others in our environment. Yes, there will always be ‘flying monkeys’ who will go along with toxic people in their campaigns against us. That doesn’t make them right and us wrong, though. It’s simply the way this type of dysfunctional system operates.

We can live our lives fully and feel good about ourselves in spite of the messages conveyed to us as children and onward through our lives. The fact of the matter is that those messages of constant blame and shame are what is wrong. No one should be made to feel like a black sheep and scapegoated at every turn, especially when the main agenda at play is to maintain and strengthen the role of a narcissist or other toxic individual.

Scapegoat

How do we defend ourselves against these messages or undo the results of years of finger-pointing? Take a step back and really consider these messages from an unemotional and neutral space. For example, could a person have been a ‘problem’ in their family of origin from the moment of their birth? Nope. Could anyone always be ‘at fault’ and ‘wrong’, creating all problems within a family in every moment of every day? Nope. Could one person’s opinions be consistently ‘wrong’ and not worth hearing? Again, nope. You get the gist of what I’m trying to say. These messages from dysfunctional families to their scapegoated member(s) are ridiculous and without merit or sense. The truth of the matter is that we, as scapegoats, are chosen by a narcissistic parent or other toxic individual as a scapegoat, others are convinced to believe this to be the case in order to stay in line with the narcissist/toxic person, and then it becomes ‘the way it is’ so that the family unit can limp along with some form of consistency while ensuring the continued reign of a disordered leader. It has nothing to do with us or who we are and everything to do with our dysfunctional family of origin.

If we continue looking at these negative behaviors and messages from an unemotional standpoint and from a space of neutrality, we undoubtedly begin to see how this unfair family system operates. From there, we need to start trying to unravel the webs of this system that are within each of us as a result of this unjustified and abusive treatment. When we take action for ourselves and our well-being, it’s amazing how quickly we can become empowered with self-esteem, confidence, and the knowledge that we have every right to hold space in this world with our own opinions, beliefs and feelings. If we need help in the process, there are always resources available – counsellors, life coaches, online support groups, self-help books, etc.

Being scapegoated by one’s family is a challenging and unjustifiable experience, but we are all strong enough to save ourselves from a lifetime of being burdened by it. If we believe in ourselves, our rights, and a better future, and if we seek out help when needed, the sky’s the limit.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Sleep and why it’s so important (One person’s journey)

October 3, 2021 / / 0 Comments

For me personally, when I was married to a narcissist, I became sleep-deprived. First of all, he snored and rolled non-stop from the moment he fell asleep (which usually took less than 30 seconds) until he woke up. That was just how he was. Not much can be done about the way a person sleeps, except maybe anti-snore devices (which he, of course, refused to try). However, if he happened to wake up in the night, he would typically wake me up as well, quite intentionally, by touching me or speaking to me, and sometimes more than once. Then he’d fall right back to sleep again. Although I asked him not to do this, it continued (surprising, right?! ~sarcasm~) Here’s the picture – it would take me sometimes hours to fall asleep with all of the snoring and movement. My mind was also constantly in worry mode because of the ever-growing issues with my narcissistic and abusive husband, so it was difficult to shut it down and relax. If I was woken up, it would take the same length of time for me to get back to sleep again. Sometimes I would go and sleep on our very uncomfortable couch, but we had a cat who roamed all night and spent much of his time running across me, jumping here and there, and meowing. After all, I was in his territory at that point so I couldn’t expect much more (cats – what can you do?) Quite distracting, to say the least! So, sleep became very elusive. And the deprivation and its effects set in fairly soon. For me, it became life as usual but, looking back, it was truly debilitating and forced me into auto-pilot just to get through.

So, what was the collateral damage of sleep problems? Looking back to that time, this is what I recall experiencing:

Emotionally, my issues grew increasingly worse. Between lack of sleep and constantly being worried about everything (finances, etc.) and on edge and on guard from the abuse, I was a wreck. I began struggling with anxiety and depression, and my emotions would ping-pong all over the place. Happiness was a foreign concept. I was in fight, flight or fright mode 24/7. Muscle armoring was constant. Peace was not a word in my vocabulary.

Physically, my body was always fatigued and sore, I had almost constant headaches and migraines, my appetite went from not wanting to eat anything one day to eating much more than was healthy the next. That, in turn, influenced my weight in a yo-yo pattern. I was often shaky and clumsy from fatigue and blood sugar issues. There were so many more symptoms but I think you likely get the picture. Looking in the mirror, I could almost see myself ageing much faster than normal. I looked weary, unhealthy and hopeless. And I was so tired that I didn’t even have the energy to care. Self-care? What was that? I was spinning out of control and the functioning of my mind and body were diminishing almost daily.

Cognitively, my thinking was highly negatively impacted and brain fog set in. My thoughts were slow, confused, erratic, often illogical and irrational. Most days I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I would sometimes get to work and wonder how I had even dressed myself, after having checked to ensure that I was actually clothed.

It goes without saying that I was being heavily affected by both the narcissistic abuse and resulting issues, including sleep deprivation.

Lack of sleep causes all of the issues mentioned above and more. It also messes with your hormones and immune system, to name just two, which can create a further tumbling domino effect, some of which can include illness. Your brain and body need sufficient and restorative sleep in order to help you to function optimally. When you are constantly running on empty, it makes it challenging for your body’s systems just to get you through the day.

When my foggy mind finally saw just how bad things had become, I left my husband. It literally took me months to catch up on my sleep after that experience. Honestly, some nights at the beginning of my efforts to get back on track, I would still lay awake – mind racing, wide awake but exhausted – until 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. before I finally fell asleep, and then I would need to be up in a couple of hours. It was a vicious cycle that I needed to put an end to. It literally felt like I was fighting to bring myself back. I needed to make a strong effort to schedule my sleeping times and even had daily naps for a while. The most challenging part was learning to relax physically and to slow down my mind in order to even have a chance at sleep. One of the steps I took right away was to avoid screens within 30 minutes of trying for sleep. I also learned some simple breathing techniques, progressive body relaxation and mindfulness to bring my thoughts to the present and stop worrying about the past and the future. After discussing it with my doctor, another resource I began using is a magnesium supplement about an hour before bedtime. I had been struggling with restless leg syndrome and it definitely helped me with that issue (I can’t even remember the last time it happened). But, for me, I also find that the magnesium makes it easy for me to drift off to sleep in just a few minutes, and I typically remain asleep for the entire night.

Getting into a healthy sleep pattern made a HUGE difference in my life. Self-regulation of emotions and behavior was no longer a problem because I became rested, alert and so much less automatically reactive. On a physical level, I began feeling better than I had in years. My lifestyle also grew to include daily exercise and a change in eating habits, so they have helped in that category as well. And when it comes to my mind and thinking processes, everything turned around in that department. My thoughts went back to a state of being faster, clearer and more organized. I started feeling like myself again. It was and continues to be an amazing feeling.

There are plenty of resources out there regarding the science behind sleep if you’re interested. There are necessary stages that we cycle through more than once during the night, and we can’t reach those stages if we’re lying awake for hours or constantly starting from step one because our sleep is being disrupted. The bottom line is that without proper sleep, our wellbeing on every level is impacted negatively. The longer the deprivation continues, the worse everything becomes. If you are in an abusive relationship or other chronically challenging situation, keep all of this in mind and do your best to avoid insufficient and/or continually disrupted sleep. Use any resource that works for you to keep things as on track as is possible.

In the event that you have left the abuse or other ongoing challenging environment and are feeling burnt out and low, know that it does get better. Working on stress management, diet (staying hydrated with water is beneficial holistically, too), exercise (walking, yoga, swimming, biking, etc. – and exercising outside increases the benefits for your mind and emotions) and regular sleep patterns brought me such amazing overall improvements and made an enormous improvement in my life. Your efforts don’t need to include massive changes if you aren’t up to it. Stick to the basics of regular exercise (whatever that looks like for you), healthy eating (and if you feel that your nutrient intake may be out of whack despite a balanced diet, talk to your GP or a nutritionist about vitamins and/or supplements), adequate and quality sleep, engaging in self-care, and learning better coping skills for daily life, and you will find yourself on an upward trajectory in short order. If you need support on your journey, feel free to touch base.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Growing up with a Narcissistic Parent

August 19, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Narcissistic parents; they aren’t what anyone would choose if we had a choice in the matter. They color so much of our lives in dark shades that aren’t easy to erase.

If you grew up in a household headed by a narcissist, whether you were a scapegoat or a golden child, my heart goes out to you. I get it because I lived it myself. Our childhoods were often filled with criticism, judgment, blaming, gaslighting, silent treatments, unattainable goals with constantly moving goalposts, lack of affection, dishonesty, physical abuse, and the list goes on. We could always count on our disordered parents (either two narcissists or a narcissist and an enabler/flying monkey) to create negative environments filled with all manner of difficult situations and emotions for us to try to cope with. One of the only things that most of us could always count on in a dysfunctional family system was that a new issue was around every corner.

Our life with a narcissistic parent shapes us in ways we did not ask for or want. They lead us down dark alleys to places where we eventually lack trust in others and ourselves, suffer low self-esteem and a total lack of confidence, isolate ourselves from the world, feel as though we’re unloved, always being judged and never measuring up, blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong within a 10-mile radius of us, and a never-ending list of behaviours and thoughts that challenge us to our very core.

As difficult as all of this is, we can find our path out from under the dark clouds. It takes hard work, introspection, courage and a strong support system but it’s more than possible and well worth it. There is a life of peace, self-love, self-care and happiness for us once we escape the negativity. How we do it is a matter of personal choice. There’s no contact, low contact, strong boundaries, and other techniques to assist us along the way. Therapy is always a good route to take (there are subsidized or free services available in many places), and a support system such as Natural Clarity Coaching can complement this work. It’s never simple, and often we need to distance ourselves from our family of origin in whatever way works for us, but if we take those first few steps and gather some momentum, nothing is impossible.

Path from dark clouds to sun

So, sons and daughters raised in narcissistic families, if you haven’t already started down the path to emotional freedom, peace and empowerment, consider prioritizing yourself and taking those steps. Baby steps are fine. Whatever you can muster. Maybe start with some small self-care measures and looking for a therapist (preferably one who is well-informed regarding narcissism and C-PTSD) to reach out to. Take it from there. The little steps will eventually become bigger ones as you move through this journey. You will find your way. And it will be well worth every step you take to get there.

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

If You Can’t Beat Fear, Just Do It Scared

August 13, 2021 / / 0 Comments

A saying that I’m quite fond of is, “If you can’t beat fear, just do it scared”.

Sometimes “doing it scared” can be our best option for an improvement in our current situation. But, of course, taking a risk, a leap of faith, if you will, can be terrifying.

As someone who has left circumstances involving narcissistic abuse, I spent a lot of time before leaving just going over all of the risks and possible outcomes in my mind. I analyzed until there was nothing left to analyze. What I was left with was the need to make a decision. You see, I had arrived at a point where I knew that the impact of the narcissist’s behaviour (although I was completely unaware of narcissism at that time) was so damaging that I couldn’t subject myself to it much longer. I was feeling constantly anxious, depressed, worried, confused, blamed, fearful, unloved, joyless and so on. It was literally breaking me more with each passing day. In a state of sheer desperation, I reached out to a women’s shelter who then put me in touch with an in-house social worker. Finally … a support system to help me. Together, we worked through my options, made a plan and, with her strong and reliable support, I was able to remove myself from a situation that had become intolerable. Getting back to the topic of this post, I did all of this scared. Terrified, really. Getting past the fear – of leaving a significant relationship, starting over in every way and wondering if it would all work out – was not happening. That fear was going nowhere fast. So in the depths of being scared, I took the leap anyway. I couldn’t beat fear so I did it scared. And despite all of those concerns and eventual risk taken, it turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

The bottom line is that we humans sometimes have to take action while we’re scared, even terrified, of what the outcome could be. It’s a reality that some paths to a better life include what seems like rings of fire and sharp trip wires that we have to make it through. But if we need to save ourselves, we do what we need to do, even in the grips of fear.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Find Yourself

August 11, 2021 / / 0 Comments

When asked what I believe is the most important step to take towards peace, fulfillment and happiness in life, particularly during and post-narcissistic abuse and the ensuing healing journey, the answer is definitely to Find Yourself and then continue the process of building on that foundation to hone, refine and develop exactly who you feel you are and want to be.

What exactly do I mean by Find Yourself? Finding yourself means truly searching for you. It means digging through all of the biases we have been subjected to throughout our lives and really focusing on what we think, feel and place importance on. It means asking ourselves who and what in this world makes us feel loved, comforted, happy and peaceful and then sorting those out from the people and things who do the opposite. We may need to consider low contact or no contact with family, friends and others who present us with disrespect, condescension, struggle and other negativity that causes us to feel harassed, belittled, uncomfortable, unloved, sad, confused, anxious and so on.

What else might finding yourself include? Self-care and self-love are incredibly important components in this process. From the smallest of items to more obvious ones, every act of self-care and self-love is of benefit. You can read more about some self-care ideas in my previous posts.

Why is finding yourself important? Once you find yourself, you will know what is important to you, how you feel about the people and the world around you, you will know what you think and you will care enough about yourself to ensure that you take steps to protect yourself from toxic people and situations by using strategies such as boundaries and low or no contact.

So you might wonder if finding yourself is easy. The simplest answer is no, usually not. It’s a journey. But, in my opinion, it’s an essential and necessary journey that will help to bring you to a more positive, confident, self-assured place where you can feel strong enough to create and uphold boundaries and to be true to yourself every day, with anyone, in any situation.

Finding yourself is a rewarding journey, but it is especially so for those who have experienced trauma and abuse of any kind. It can help you greatly as you navigate the healing process. Working with a counsellor or life coach can also be of assistance as you move forward in your journey. Find yourself.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Strength grows …

July 26, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Yes!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Life as the Family Scapegoat

July 18, 2021 / / 0 Comments

From the perspective of an ACON (Adult Children of Narcissists) and a DONM (Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers), I could literally write a book on my experiences. In all honesty, anyone who grew up in a disordered household headed by a narcissist will have innumerable stories they could tell. The tales we can tell are our own but, sadly, the majority of them are incredibly similar at their root level. They all generally boil down to narcissistic behaviours and how they domino out to everyone in their orbit.

If I were to go to a more personal level and summarize my life as the child of a narcissist into its most basic form by using a few examples, it would be this:

As the family scapegoat, I felt from a very early age that my mom and I simply didn’t ‘jive’. The connection just wasn’t there. Being female, and through no fault of my own (from stories recounted to me, this appears to have started when I was just a baby – for example, being told many times over the course of my life that she wanted to throw me against a wall because I cried when I had colic), I triggered her own deep-seated issues, which caused her to target me and resulted in a lack of a bond between us. This woman adores, supports, encourages, brags about and idolizes my younger brother. It’s not as though she is incapable of those things. Ironically enough, when he and I have made similar decisions in our lives as adults, she has raved about how wondrous his choices were but somehow managed to find fault with all of mine. Although this narcissistic behaviour became abundantly clear to me many years ago, it was incredibly confusing when I was younger, and led to me accepting her nonsense and losing any self-esteem or confidence I may have had. This was my mother. My dad went along with it. I believed her to be the all-knowing and wise person she claimed to be. If she deemed me a disappointment and a failure, then she was probably right as far as I was concerned. That’s what narcissistic abuse has the potential to do to a person when they don’t have a knowledgeable support system or awareness to lean on.

Throughout my childhood and into my teen years, I was pressured and expected to excel at everything I did while, simultaneously, a cloud of low expectations hung over my head. My mom expected me to be the best (because in her mind this would make her look good to the outside world) while at the same time telling me I was “just average” (she’s big on labelling, especially when it comes to intelligence). To add insult to injury, no matter how well I did in school or other pursuits, it was never good enough for her. An ‘A’ on a test would result in her questioning why it wasn’t an A+. On occasions when an A+ was awarded, apparently it was obvious to my mom that the test was too easy and likely everyone in the class did well on it. Or sometimes she surmised that the teacher must have favored me and therefore the mark wasn’t truly representative of my (in her opinion, limited) abilities and was undeserved and, in fact, unfair to my classmates. The same judgments were a constant for any of my other pursuits, including sports and, especially, music. She always heard that one little mistake and, in her opinion, that ruined the entire performance. That one error would be blown out of proportion and zero credit would be given for the thousands of correct notes and other musical elements that go together with them. Looking back from an adult’s point of view, I realized that from a young age I began focusing on the negative and not looking at my strengths as a direct result of my mother’s constant judgments and criticisms as well as the almost complete lack of encouragement and support. One mistake became catastrophic in my mind.

My friends were also constantly being critiqued and negative comments made to me about them. In her mind, I never chose the ‘right’ friends (or partners as I got older). She would literally suggest the people that I should spend time with (people she felt would be “good friends”) and would badger me about it on a regular basis. There would be comments made by her that my chosen friends were abusive (ironic, isn’t it?!) and that I needed to “get a backbone” and “stand up” for myself. One time when I had a falling out (temporary, thankfully) with a friend (which, by the way, was instigated by my mom and her constant prodding), I shared with my mom just how upset I was that I felt I had lost my best friend. Rather than comfort me or say something supportive, she started crying and told me that she thought she was my best friend and that what I said had hurt her deeply! Within a couple weeks, though, she was talking about how many years she and her “best friend” had known one another!

One moment that is very vivid for me after many years was the time that I told my mom that I was feeling depressed. After getting this out in the open, I started to cry because I was feeling emotional. She slapped me across the face, told me to “snap out of it” and then stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Needless to say, that was truly a lesson in not sharing my feelings that has stuck with me since then. Working through it has been a process but is well worth it.

In terms of my family of origin (FOO), it was dysfunctional from day one. My dad, bless his heart, is a lovely man who is loyal and kind to a fault. Does he see my mom for who she is? I don’t know for certain. I’ve seen glimpses of awareness over the years but his enabling behaviour continues regardless. However, I do understand the reason for this. My mom has a strong “you’re either with me or against me” mentality with everyone in her life. If my dad even slightly appears to side with anyone but her, days or sometimes weeks of misery rain down upon him. Her vicious griping is equally as undesirable as her cold stares and silent treatment. I don’t blame him for wanting to avoid all of that. I get it because I’ve lived it, too. He has spent decades working/escaping more than he was home so I’m sure it’s nice to look forward to downtime rather than dreading it. But it’s also really difficult for me to have always been the scapegoat (my golden child sibling was, of course, rarely held accountable for anything), the black sheep, the one “in the wrong” no matter what, the one whose perspective was not allowed to be heard. As an aside, I had an absolutely wonderful grandmother who lived nearby who was supportive, loving, caring and an amazing friend. Without her … well, I wouldn’t even want to imagine how much more challenging life would have been. Although we rarely spoke of my mom or her behaviour (it’s quite likely that she had never put a name to it, and she was also someone who didn’t speak of others behind their backs), my grandma was there for me and that was what mattered.

Fittingly enough, the final narcissistic straw for me that led to many and continuing years of low and rare contact (never in-person or by phone) with my parents was, after several months of ridiculous drama, my mom pressuring my dad to the point where he informed me that I had “been the problem in this family for XX years” (the X’s represent my age at the time). Yes, folks, apparently my just being born was an issue and, in fact, the very reason our family was so disordered. After all that, I was then informed by my mom that my dad wouldn’t have said that (it was said in front of a witness) and that I needed to apologize. And that situation from start to finish is something that really sealed the deal for me in recognizing that I genuinely was not and had never been “the problem” in my family, no matter how much my narcissistic mother needed to label me as such in order to avoid dealing with or having other people focus on her many serious issues and the trouble those had caused within our family unit. Before I could walk, talk or be independent enough to even cause a problem for anyone, I was negatively labelled and that continued on because my mom needed it to and my dad felt that he was required to go along with it or else be made miserable (yes, he had choices but his blind loyalty and trying to protect his own peace traditionally came and still comes first). And then to be be informed that I had made up my dad’s words to me and should apologize … well, that was added to the already large stores of strong evidence that my mom holds neither herself (I don’t recall her ever sincerely accepting responsibility for her actions or giving a genuine apology for anything) nor anyone who acts on her behalf accountable for anything. Shifting the blame is typical behaviour, particularly blaming the family scapegoat.

So, obviously this is an incredibly shortened version of a small number of my experiences within a narcissistic family. There are hundreds, maybe thousands more that I could write about but it would take me well beyond the scope of a website post. Since becoming aware of my mother’s issues, how it impacted my family of origin, and how it has deeply affected me on more levels than I ever thought possible, I have read, researched and taken in everything possible on the subject of narcissism and its far-reaching impacts. I have worked diligently on my own recovery and committed years ago to helping and supporting others in doing the same. I also firmly believe in educating people in the realm of narcissism awareness so that some might be spared from being victims of the damage caused by individuals with this personality disorder. Difficult as they were, my experiences have made me the person I am today and also placed me in the position of being there to help others who find themselves in the grips of narcissistic abuse and/or attempting to recover from it.

Until next time,

Heather Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

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