Without a doubt, being in the role of scapegoat – regardless of the relationship within which it occurs – is absolutely undesirable. And unfair. It’s truly not fair for anyone to be cast into the scapegoat role. But, unfortunately, it happens all the time.
Let’s take a look at some of the main reasons why people are chosen as scapegoats within families, as an example.
Behaviour – If a parent views a child as making mistakes – say, getting into issues at school – it can feed into negative expectations.
Intelligence – Some parents hold intelligence in unreasonably high regard and may harshly judge a child who they feel isn’t measuring up to their standards.
Looks – From hair to other physical features, a parent may take issue with a child who doesn’t have the appearance that they feel is preferred.
Reminding a parent of another scapegoat – A parent who grew up with a sibling who was the family scapegoat (yes, dysfunctional families often follow in the footsteps of previous generations) may see similarities of that person in their child and then place them in the same scapegoat role.
Gender – A parent who has major issues surrounding gender biases will be more likely to select a child as a scapegoat if they happen to be a member of a gender against which they hold these biases.
From here, it’s important to look at some of the tell-tale signs that a person is being scapegoated.
Gaslighting – This involves denying reality to another person so that they will question themselves and their sanity.
Manipulation – Just as it sounds, manipulation refers to manipulating someone in an unscrupulous way.
Triangulation – In triangulation, a parent will bring another person into the mix with themselves and their scapegoated child, and they will often have the third person do their dirty work for them. For example, they will tell the third person (often another – enabling – parent) typically untrue things about the scapegoated child so that this individual will go to the scapegoated child with accusations and complaints about them. This not only damages other relationships within a family, but it leaves the scapegoat feeling outnumbered and picked on.
Always Being Cast in a Negative Light – Here, the scapegoat is always being judged and treated as though they are doing something wrong.
Successes Aren’t Recognized – Not only is the scapegoat cast in a negative light, but their successes often go unrecognized or are diminished. Some parents may even suggest that a scapegoat child is unworthy of the success they have achieved (in school, work, relationships, etc.).
Feeling Ignored – Scapegoats will often feel ignored within a family. This is often because toxic parents will use the silent treatment in order to control situations. This involves dismissive and/or angry body language and behaviour that involves ignoring the scapegoat at all costs.
Feeling the Need to Justify Everything – Scapegoats will feel as though they need to justify every decision they make in their own lives and that they aren’t really free to make independent decisions without fear of conflict.
Finally, here are some of the effects of being the family scapegoat.
Codependent Behaviours – In this area, people change their own behaviour in order to manage other people’s emotions. For example, a scapegoated child may behave in certain ways in order to avoid angering a toxic parent or the dysfunctional family system in general.
Tendency to People-Please – Just as it says, scapegoats often people-please in order to keep everyone around them content and to avoid conflict. They will say ‘yes’ to things they truly don’t want to do, for example.
Low Self-Esteem – Scapegoats – for obvious reasons – typically struggle with low self-esteem and lack of confidence. Being targeted and blamed for years by one’s family creates negative internal viewpoints.
Trauma – Childhood trauma is a very real possibility for scapegoats. This can lead to C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), which is a result of repeated and prolonged exposure to traumatic events.
Conflict – Interpersonal conflicts erupt within dysfunctional families, usually between the scapegoat and other family members. This drives an even bigger wedge into already challenged relationships.
Self-Harming – Self-harm and self-sabotage can become ways that a scapegoat attempts to cope with the pain of isolation and constant blame, even if they aren’t aware of why they are engaging in these behaviours.
Patterns in Future Relationships – Scapegoats may repeat patterns of being scapegoated in their future relationships by unknowingly seeking out toxic partners. Other family members (such as siblings) may seek out scapegoats because that is the dynamic they are accustomed to living in.
This brings us to ways to cope with the fallout of being a scapegoat.
- Positive self-talk
- Acknowledge what you have experienced
- Learn to set healthy boundaries
- Practice self-compassion
- Avoid falling into the ‘victim’ mindset
- Journaling
- Develop friendships
Additionally, there are various types of therapy or life coaching available. Self-paced, online courses – like the ones offered here at Natural Clarity Coaching – can also be a great self-help resource.
In the end, yes, being a scapegoat is an unfair role to be cast in. It is damaging on many levels and often plays out in other relationships. But there are ways to cope and heal. Being scapegoated doesn’t determine who we are unless we allow it to do so. It’s more than possible to step out of the confines of that role, heal ourselves, and be who we are meant to be.
Until next time,
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching
na********************@***il.com
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