Tag: adult children of narcissist parents (Page 1 of 2)

Narcissists who are also scapegoats

August 28, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Yes, it’s possible for a narcissist to have been, or still be, a scapegoat. This is particularly true when they have been narcissistically abused by a parent or guardian.  It isn’t necessarily golden children who may become egotistical and/or narcissistic.

I’ll share a bit about the case of an individual (not a client) who grew up with three siblings. He has two sisters and an older brother. This brother is the golden child of the family, while the person I mentioned was – and still is – the scapegoat. His mother never has a kind or complimentary thing to say about him, and she does her best to control everything in his life, which has led him to many downfalls. And yet she raves about her oldest son while continuing to criticize her other adult son. Of note is the fact that her oldest son is quite a narcissist himself but couldn’t do wrong in her eyes if he tried.

In this particular situation, this  narcissistic mother believed herself to have been an outstanding farmer with a huge cattle operation when her children were young, and yet accounts from others – including her scapegoated son – were that they lived on a relatively small hobby farm that never amounted to much. Livestock was not well cared for, plentiful crops evaded her, and veggie gardens were not productive. But the point to be made here is that she has always placed immense importance on farming because, in her narcissistic mind,  she felt that she was exceptional at it. And so, her scapegoated son has spent his life to date attempting to become a farmer that his toxic mother would be proud of. He has poured tens of thousands of dollars into creating what he thinks would impress her. He lost his family over the obsession, although his alcoholism and narcissistic abuse were also major contributing factors.  Yet, in the end, he has never been successful at farming despite decades of trying. Why? Because it isn’t his dream. It’s his mother’s dream. And the sad fact is that even if he were to be successful, it would never be enough for her. He will never receive the love and validation that he has craved from his mother for his entire life.

This scapegoated narcissist will likely spend all his days attempting to live out someone else’s dreams in the hopes of finally being acknowledged and praised by someone who is incapable of giving that to him. His only release may come about when his mother passes on.

So, yes, narcissists can simultaneously be scapegoats. The hits to the ego that are a part of being a scapegoated child have the potential to turn a person into an ego-protecting and abusive narcissist, seeking out their own scapegoats, while continuing to be narcissistically abused by a disordered parent. Sad mixture, for certain.

Everyone has a story that has brought them to their current chapter. While it’s a challenge to feel sympathy for narcissists, simply trying to put oneself in their shoes for a few moments is often enough to shine a spotlight on their unpleasant existence. If nothing else, it allows for a glimpse into why they behave the way they do. We don’t have to forgive if we don’t choose to, but sometimes it helps to understand why narcissists are they way they are. It allows us to know that it has nothing to do with us but everything to do with their own internal chaos.

Here are some great books on narcissistic families and scapegoats:   https://amzn.to/3KYNMVI

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

‘Lack of’ can have as much of a negative impact as observable experiences

August 22, 2023 / / 0 Comments

As they say, trauma isn’t all about just the bad stuff; it’s also about the good stuff that never happened. And great malice isn’t necessary to do great harm because an absence of both empathy and understanding are sufficient.

Sometimes what is lacking can have as much of a negative impact as what is occurring. So, what happens in our childhoods within dysfunctional families can be obvious – like physical and/or verbal abuse – but it can also be invisible. And, sadly, both play out in our lives as we become adults. All of it can lead to severe insecurity, lack of confidence or self-acceptance, and issues in other relationships, to name just a few. Emotionally immature and unavailable role models often lead their children down the path of deficits in many ways.

How do we repair these emotional wounds that have major influence in our lives? My focus is always on growing an awareness of the dynamics we have experienced in our lives, and then making healing a priority. Once we see where and by whom the damage was done, it’s okay to sit with those feelings that will inevitably arise, like anger, grief, sadness, loss, and regret. Even though we’re often taught not to feel or show emotions, we need to recognize the importance of honouring and validating how we feel.

But once that step feels complete, we need to prioritize ourselves and our healing. That’s what is most important. Some online articles or books will suggest taking revenge on disordered parents or anyone who has caused us harm, but when you really think about it, what good does that do us? It only uses time that we could be putting into healing and thriving. That’s been said in previous blog posts so I won’t go into it again here.

For now, this is simply a reminder that the experiences that create trauma or challenges aren’t always loud and directly observable. They can lay within parental silent treatment, the absence of empathy and understanding from our role models, missing out on good experiences, and so on. And what creates trauma or other issues in each of us is as unique as we are.

Here’s a link to search results for books on the subject of healing trauma:  https://amzn.to/44nrV0S

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

 

Engage in ‘Flow’ for Self-Care

August 10, 2023 / / 0 Comments

From the field of what is known as positive psychology, the theory of ‘flow’ was created in the 1970s after studies were conducted on participants who were doing things for pleasure, without any form of monetary reward or fame. This research project was led by psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. 

So, what exactly is ‘flow’, you might wonder? A great definition of it is that it is a state of mind in which an individual becomes fully immersed in an activity. It’s one of those times when someone becomes completely absorbed in an experience. It is energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment of the process of the activity or experience. Time flies by and a person has the feeling of being in ‘the zone’.  Which means that everyone will have different activities in which they experience ‘flow’. It could be within the arts or sciences, athletics, personal hobbies, time in nature, and so on. Virtually anything that someone derives pleasure from and loses themselves in. For some, it may feel like only moments have passed while it has, in fact, been hours.

And ‘flow’ can be particularly useful as a form of self-help for anyone who is dealing with toxic people and/or challenging situations. It isn’t always possible to access professional help when we feel we need it, so it’s beneficial to have resources in our personal toolbox. And the more we put these into practice, the easier it is to implement self-help methods at any time. Being in a ‘flow’ state can mentally take us away from difficult circumstances and provide a temporary reprieve. Even just a few moments of listening to a favourite musical artist or taking a walk in nature, for instance, can provide someone who loves those things with much-needed self-care and empowerment.

When we’re in difficult circumstances, particularly with narcissists and other disordered people, it can be easy to forget to take care of ourselves and to do things we love. But it is especially important for us to eke out time for these activities when we are in need of inner strength and rejuvenation.  It often doesn’t take much immersion into our chosen activity to see significant benefits.

When life gets tough … when difficult and/or toxic people are at their worst … whatever the situation may be, it’s time to dig deep into self-help. And if professional resources are needed, always remember to reach out to those individuals. But in the meantime, find those experiences and activities that are meaningful.  A state of ‘flow’ is always waiting there, ready to provide a reprieve and positive energy. Go with your ‘flow’.

*Copy-and-paste link to books on the subject of the state of ‘flow’:  https://amzn.to/3s9kvkM

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

 

How to Say Goodbye to Limiting Beliefs

July 29, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Limiting beliefs are a state of mind or beliefs about yourself or the world that are restricting. These beliefs can run the gamut from “I don’t have enough time” to “I’m not good enough – smart enough – attractive enough” and so on. And, yes, we place these limits on ourselves and our environment. Sometimes they arise from a single negative experience. Other times, though, they are the result of growing up in a toxic family. Scapegoats/black sheep of narcissist parents, for instance, are regularly criticized, critiqued, berated, judged, and punished for the smallest of things. This gives the distinct message from one’s own family that a person is unworthy and unlovable. Under these conditions, it’s not difficult to fall into the belief that we’re defective and lacking.  And this can impact our entire life if we don’t intervene on our own behalf.

So, how do we go about dealing with limiting beliefs?

First of all, we need to recognize them. Like, “why am I afraid to try this? There’s something holding me back!”

Next, we need to recognize that what we have is simply a belief. It isn’t a fact. It isn’t truth. It’s just a belief we are holding about ourselves or the world around us.

Knowing that these are just beliefs, we can begin to challenge them.

The next step is to challenge our belief. Rather than accepting our negative, belief-based thoughts about, say, what we’re capable of academically, we should ask ourselves why we feel that way. If our answer to the self-posed question is that we aren’t intelligent enough to be successful in academics, then our next question to ourselves should be, “why not?”. Chances are, we might not have a justifiable response.

It is incredibly important to then recognize the potentially damaging consequences of continuing to hold limiting beliefs about ourselves and our world. Missed opportunities, self-esteem issues, lack of success, and so on.

Then, adopting new and positive beliefs is imperative. For example, if we’ve been holding the belief that we’re “not smart enough”, we can replace it with “I am capable of whatever I put my mind to”. Or if it’s “I’m not good enough”, then it needs to be something more like, “I am enough”.

Lastly, we need to put new beliefs into practice. It can be challenging to step out of a comfort zone, no matter how dysfunctional it is or that it didn’t serve us well. But it is entirely possible to overhaul our belief systems and then act in accordance with them.

As an example, many people who were raised in a narcissistic environment (narcissist, enabling parent, golden child) are likely to have limiting beliefs about many parts of themselves. A common occurrence with scapegoats is being told that they’re “average” or even “stupid”.  That can translate to difficulties in school because scapegoats will often adopt that belief about themselves (remember, as children, we trust our parents and accept what they say as truth) and it, in turn, limits them academically. From childhood, that typically carries on through adolescence and into adulthood, sometimes having negative impacts on post-secondary education and career options, for instance. But if we learn to challenge our beliefs regularly, and to implement beneficial beliefs after weeding out the limiting ones, we will begin to approach our self-image and self-beliefs, as well as our beliefs about the world, in ways that help us to stop cheating ourselves out of opportunities. Instead, we will learn to approach our lives with confidence and healthy self-esteem.

One word of warning is that, although anyone can have limiting beliefs that should be changed, scapegoats in particular need to have an awareness that anger may rise up when we’re working through the process. Why? Because it’s difficult to recognize that we adopted our beliefs about ourselves and the world from people we trusted because we were too young to question it. And then those beliefs have been carried through our lives to whatever point we’re currently at. And we may, in retrospect, see lost opportunities, self-sabotaging or destructive behaviours that have taken place. It can bring up a lot of emotions that we need to be prepared for.

In the end, what we need to remind ourselves is that we weren’t foolish to listen to our disordered or emotionally immature parents and then accept what they told us about ourselves and the world as truth. We were children. And children trust their role models. But when we become ‘awakened’ and see things as they are, it’s our opportunity to take our futures in hand and live our lives in healthy, functional ways. Holding beneficial beliefs is empowering and it frees us to thrive as we were meant to. We’ll likely discover amazing things about ourselves along the way. Resentment and anger will only hold us back if we don’t let it go. That in itself is limiting. Step into this new awareness with a growth mindset, inner strength, and the knowledge that the future is ours and it’s limitless.

Until next time,

~Heather Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

 

Put the focus on healing

July 19, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I’ve written about this topic in the past but felt that it was worth talking about again.

When we realize that someone in our life is toxic — whether it involves narcissism or some other form of dysfunction — it’s incredibly important to focus on our healing. It’s easy to get tangled up in the why’s of the situation … why do/did they treat me that way? … why are/were they like this? … and so on. The truth is, though, that  we can spend all kinds of time wondering about someone else and their intentions and behaviour, but it’s unlikely that we’ll ever truly know the why’s of it. And that’s okay. We don’t need to understand anything more than that toxic people are toxic people. The priority is to heal ourselves and not waste precious time wondering about someone else.

And the most amazing things happen when we heal ourselves from the acts of abusive people, including the improved abilities to pick up quickly on red flags, create and maintain boundaries, and, best of all, know our value and the steps we’ll bravely take to protect ourselves if anyone disrespects us in any way in the future. Truth be told, it’s highly unlikely that healed people will allow toxic people to stay in or come into their lives, or, at least, close enough to be able to cause any harm. And, yes, this includes family, partners, friends, and so on.  Toxic people come in all forms.  Regardless of who they are, we have every right to protect ourselves and our peace. Many of us will have grown up in dysfunctional environments and were trained to accept abusive behaviour as ‘normal’, but when we heal and grow, well, let’s just say that once we see dysfunction and abuse and the people who perpetrate them with open eyes, we can’t easily un-see any of it. And going back into that mess is not a desirable goal.

I’ve viewed many websites that talk about getting back at the narcissist, or trying to figure out why they hurt us. While it’s helpful to understand, in general, about toxic people and that their actions have absolutely nothing to do with us, it’s most advantageous for us to put time into our own selves and lives. That’s where the rubber meets the road, as they say. Because when we heal and learn to appreciate ourselves and our value, issues with toxic people will undoubtedly drop off. Why? We’re stronger, we learn to appreciate peace and what it’s like to have it around us, and we know without a doubt that life is too short to waste on toxic individuals and that our future happiness is worth its weight in gold.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

“Why Don’t You Just Get Over It?”

June 24, 2023 / / 0 Comments

“Why Don’t You Just Get Over It?” – some of the most popular words of toxic people. When someone goes no- or low-contact with them, implements boundaries, and/or directly addresses their behaviour, people who are emotionally immature, narcissistic, toxic, and abusive – among many potential traits – will often turn to those seven words. And those seven words are an attempt to flip everything onto another person or people. Zero accountability is the name of the game. If they can make someone else seem too sensitive, too weak, lacking a sense of humour, like they’re being a troublemaker or a drama queen/king, to name a few, then all of that accountability might easily shift in their direction and away from the person at the root of the issues. It’s classic gaslighting, plain and simple. Additionally, it’s disrespectful, condescending, demeaning, unsupportive, and invalidating.

Let’s take a quick look at this occurrence using a fictional narcissist as an example. So, this narcissist’s adult son (the family scapegoat) went no contact with his narcissist father due to ongoing toxic behaviour. The son’s mental and physical health were suffering and he felt that he could not endure any further emotional abuse from his father. The choice to cut ties was difficult because he also lost his relationship with his enabling mother in the process, but he has a family who needs him to be whole and healthy. He also wanted better for himself and his own life, and he decided that it was time to take action. During this time of no contact with his father, the son has found peace for the first time in his life and has acknowledged that his father is highly unlikely to change his erroneous narrative about him or to treat him with respect or as an equal in their relationship. As a result, for the sake of his newfound peace and wellbeing, the son does not reconnect with his father. After a few years, the father sends a message through a shared relative asking “why don’t you just get over it” of the son.

Okay, so A) the father has always claimed to be without fault and completely unaware of why his son cut contact with him, which leads to the question, “what is this “it” that the son should be getting over?” And B) in healthy families, people communicate and support one another. So why – especially after the passing of years – has this “parent” not reached out to his son in a supportive and loving fashion rather than pointing fingers, assigning blame to someone for “not getting over it”, continuing to scapegoat his son, and then acting like the victim? When the situation is viewed from this rational perspective, the narcissistic, emotionally immature, ego-driven traits of this parent can be clearly seen.

Here’s the truth: regardless of who we are in the dynamics of a given situation – family scapegoat, workplace or friend group scapegoat, and so on – we do not have to “just get over it”. We can feel our feelings and trauma for as long as we need to. Maybe that’s a few months, a few years, or a lifetime, but it’s entirely up to us. And people who ask us why we “can’t just get over it” are simply exposing themselves as the unsupportive and unempathetic individuals they are. They’re also trying to downplay what caused the breakdown in the first place and shift the responsibility to the person who is reacting to negative behaviour. Healthy people won’t drive others away in the first place. Children of healthy parents don’t go no-contact with their parents, because there would be no need to do so. Healthy families support their members, communicate maturely, and don’t engage in toxic behaviours. If there’s a problem, they talk about it openly and with respect. They don’t sweep their actions under the rug while continuing to point fingers and play the victim.

So the next time someone asks “why can’t you just get over it?”, ask yourself what’s wrong with this behaviour. Healthy people help and support each other, communicate with respect, and continuously work to keep their relationships healthy and meaningful. They don’t gaslight and place blame when there should be a desire to improve a situation.  Everyone deserves respect, regardless of whether we’ve been raised to believe that applies to us or not. And if someone has broken us down to the point that we have cut them out of our lives, hell no(!!!!!), we are not under any obligation to just get over it. And anyone who is asking us to do so is not someone who respects us or genuinely cares about having a healthy relationship. Healthy people put in the effort to behave functionally and with respect and kindness for those around them. Expect that for yourself and be someone who gives that freely to the people in your life.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

De-stressing

June 21, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hello, all.

I wanted to do a self-care feature and touch a bit on how to de-stress in the comfort of your own home. There are some affordable and quality products that are available out there. We can all use some relaxation and stress relief that is easy to access. These self-care suggestions are all less than $25.00 each. I am not affiliated with any of these brands, but they are products I have purchased for myself or my family. Enjoy!

First of all, I would highly recommend:

   This neck stretcher is easy to use and doesn’t take long to make a difference. It helps with a sore neck quite quickly. You can find it here on Amazon: https://amzn.to/3JrDr3I. Just copy and paste the URL into your browser and hit ‘enter’! ($24.99 CDN plus a coupon for $2.00 CDN off)

Another great idea is:

Lavender Epsom Salt. I prefer Dr. Teal’s brand, but pretty much any option will work for a calming soak. Here’s the URL for your browser – https://amzn.to/3Jpz4X6. ($8.98 CDN)

Now, this next one claims to be anti-aging. I don’t know about that! But I do know that the feel of smooth and cool jade on the skin is incredibly relaxing. It can also help with lymph drainage, which is always beneficial. This is the paste-able link: https://amzn.to/44fT8Dj. Currently on special for $21.20 CDN.

 

Lastly, these hand-held massagers can promote much-needed relaxation. Here’s the URL: https://amzn.to/44fT8Dj. $9.97 CDN.

 

It’s very possible to bring relaxation to ourselves in our own homes if we choose. And self-care can make a huge difference in our day-to-day lives. Don’t forget to prioritize yourself at least once a day!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

(Always check with a healthcare provider at your discretion before using any new health and wellness products)

(If you use the URL’s listed in the above post, I will receive a small compensation for referring you to Amazon)

 

More on Self-Acceptance

April 30, 2023 / / 0 Comments

As has been mentioned in past posts, self-acceptance is incredibly important. So, here are some tips on making that happen:

________________________________

Forgive ourselves for past mistakes and know that absolutely everyone makes mistakes. Let them go, knowing that we did our best with the knowledge and circumstances we were dealing with at the time.

Try to celebrate our strengths, see the good in every situation, and stay positive and grateful (even for the smallest of things).

Avoid comparisons with others. We need to just be who we are and hold our heads high! 🙂

Hush that inner critic. It isn’t helpful anyway.

Learn to express our feelings to trusted others.

Surround ourselves with supportive people.

Help others. When we provide assistance to other people, we spend less time worrying about our own issues.

______________________________

Here’s the link to a great book by Tara Brach – Radical Self-acceptance – that is available for free on Amazon with an Audible trial: https://amzn.to/429P6Lt (copy link and paste into your browser)

It really comes down to positively shifting our way of looking at the world and ourselves. There’s no doubt that it takes some practice but it’s possible for anyone to do. And, in the end, it really can make a huge difference in our lives.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

Attachment in a Dysfunctional Family

March 12, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hi All,

I thought it might be beneficial to write a post about attachment within dysfunctional families, particularly with narcissists.

Attachment theory is based in psychology and looks at the relationship between a primary caregiver and their baby.  There are different stages of attachment, moving from birth to around two years of age.  Although there are four defined styles of attachment, both avoidant and dismissive attachment are the most common for children of narcissists.  These are insecure attachments, as compared to secure attachment with caregivers on which a child can depend.

Avoidant attachment involves a style of the child showing absolutely no preference for their caregiver or a complete stranger.  Often, this is created by caregivers who are neglectful and/or abusive.

Disorganized attachment looks like a mixture of behaviour, seeming at times confused or disoriented.  Due to caregivers who have made a child fearful of them, this style can result in the desire to defend oneself while still wanting to reach out to and form attachments with others.

Beyond the age of two, avoidant attachment often includes avoidance of seeking help from others because the individual needed to learn to be independent when their caregiver was never there for them.  Disorganized attachment individuals may display disassociation and/or symptoms of PTSD.

As adults, these attachment patterns, which formed at a young age, stay with us.  This often results in the recreation of these attachment/relationship styles throughout our lives, particularly in romantic interactions.  They shape how we see ourselves and others.

With insecure attachments, we may have more stress hormones, negative self-perception, and difficulties with emotions, cognition, and behaviour.  Anxiety, depression, and PTSD are also common outcomes.

So, where does this leave us?  When we become aware of these attachment styles and how they can impact us on many levels, we can learn to get out in front of them.  We can change our perspectives and perceptions.  We have the power and the tools to overcome these patterns.  Two of the main things we need are awareness and a desire to improve our situation.  Stop and think when an automatic response to a situation arises within: why is it that I’m feeling this way?  Is it a lifetime habit based in my childhood?  Is there another, more positive and healthy reaction that could be chosen?  What are the actual feelings at play here, rather than habitual reactions?

There is hope.  It can and does get better.  Here’s a link to a book on the subject: https://amzn.to/3JcVfid.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

Perspective Is Everything

March 8, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hi All,

Just leaving this here (click to watch or check it out on my Instagram or TikTok pages – Natural Clarity Coaching):

Perspective Is Everything

New posts coming soon!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

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