When we grow up in a toxic family system, which leaves us open and vulnerable to other toxic people as we move along our life’s path, we will inevitably be the target of unjustifiably critical and judgment-filled words. It may be about our appearance, intelligence, personality, social skills, athleticism, talents, and other areas of who we are. It could be as simple as ongoing criticisms or being made fun of for the sound of our voice, our freckles, our hair, or our choice of clothing. Or it might be overarching and all-encompassing negativity about who we are as a person. In short, our self-image is severely damaged.
And without a doubt, these things – sadly – often stick with us. Maybe we aren’t really aware of them. In fact, most of the time, we aren’t aware of them until/unless some significant event opens our eyes. They accumulate with ongoing abuse and slide down into our subconscious, adding to this toxic ball of judgments that sits deep inside of us. Many of us simply see the way we’re treated as “normal”, as “love”, and that we’re deserving of these chronically harsh words. And then our lives become seriously impacted by those negative words. Sometimes they only rise up at times, with or without our awareness. Other times, they negatively influence an abundance of our thoughts about ourselves on a daily basis. We may begin to dislike the sound of our voice, the look of our freckles or hair, or the clothes we love, because we received so much unsolicited judgment about them over time. Or we might feel like we’re just an overall crap person because those were the messages we received – and may still be receiving – about ourselves. We may not be aware of where these thoughts come from – maybe (hopefully) some day we will – but it’s possible for them to just become our own unquestioned beliefs and thinking patterns about ourselves. And we will go out into the world from this space of low self-esteem and general dislike of ourselves. We may approach everyone around us as though we’re “less than”, we’re weak, we’re not intelligent, we’re unattractive, we’re talentless and unskilled, we’re deserving of abusive behaviour, and so on. These themes are typically fed to us by people we trust and believe to be acting in our best interests, so why wouldn’t we just accept and internalize them? In reality, though, we are quite likely all the things we think we’re not, and yet we won’t see it or feel it. We won’t enjoy being who we are because someone else has sucked the joy out of it.
The bottom line here is that we aren’t who other people tell us we are. And that particularly applies to toxic people with fragile egos and unpleasant agendas towards others. Even if it’s family members who are the perpetrators – and, honestly, especially when it’s family members – it doesn’t make what they say about us the truth or valid in any way. In fact, the only truth or validity about ourselves needs to come from us. We need to look in the mirror and love and accept the person who is looking back. And we need to love that person inside and out. We need to believe in ourselves and, as the saying goes, to be our own biggest fan. In the end, what matters is that we live our best life and love the person that we are. What other people think is irrelevant. Everyone – absolutely everyone – has their own biases and opinions. No two people will ever see another person in the same way. The only person we need to impress is ourselves. That’s it. From that perspective comes confidence and self-acceptance. And then peace and happiness. No one can give that to us, we need to give it to ourselves.
If we’ve been through years, or decades, of narcissistic or other toxic-person abuse and we have an awareness of the judgments we’re making about ourselves based on other people’s words, we need to build a habit of calling those out. “Okay, I just allowed someone to disrespect me because I felt that I was less than them and deserved their abusive behaviour towards me. Why? Is it because my mother, for example, always claimed superiority over me and made me feel that I didn’t measure up and therefore was required to accept unkind words and actions?” Call it out. Ask the tough questions, like, why did I just react that way? Or why do I feel so small compared to [fill in the blank]? Whatever it may be, put it under a spotlight, brainstorm about what may have been said in the past and how that might still be having an impact, and then hold that awareness so that these reactions can be stopped in their tracks the next time they rear their ugly head. Eventually, we can win out over these knee-jerk reactions based in the untrue beliefs we may hold about ourselves. We are all capable of seeing ourselves as we are. What we may have been taught about ourselves by people with less than stellar intentions are not of use to us. And if they’ve snuck their way into our subconscious, it’s time to weed them out for good. It may take some time but it’s well worth the effort.
Keep coming back here for more on how to work through negative internalized messages and improve self-esteem and confidence.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
Above all else, toxic families present the ultimate betrayal. They leave members, particularly scapegoats, feeling unloved, insignificant, alone, abused, confused, bullied, useless, responsible for all that is wrong in the family, and flawed beyond hope. And then all of these feelings and beliefs, based on the type of ‘love’ (which is not love at all) experienced in this family system, set members up to be at high risk for winding up in other toxic relationships as adults.