If you’re interested, here’s a link to a book on the subject of narcissistic personality disorder: https://amzn.to/3PbfsJq
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours 
*
I’ve written about this topic in the past but felt that it was worth talking about again.
When we realize that someone in our life is toxic — whether it involves narcissism or some other form of dysfunction — it’s incredibly important to focus on our healing. It’s easy to get tangled up in the why’s of the situation … why do/did they treat me that way? … why are/were they like this? … and so on. The truth is, though, that we can spend all kinds of time wondering about someone else and their intentions and behaviour, but it’s unlikely that we’ll ever truly know the why’s of it. And that’s okay. We don’t need to understand anything more than that toxic people are toxic people. The priority is to heal ourselves and not waste precious time wondering about someone else.
And the most amazing things happen when we heal ourselves from the acts of abusive people, including the improved abilities to pick up quickly on red flags, create and maintain boundaries, and, best of all, know our value and the steps we’ll bravely take to protect ourselves if anyone disrespects us in any way in the future. Truth be told, it’s highly unlikely that healed people will allow toxic people to stay in or come into their lives, or, at least, close enough to be able to cause any harm. And, yes, this includes family, partners, friends, and so on. Toxic people come in all forms. Regardless of who they are, we have every right to protect ourselves and our peace. Many of us will have grown up in dysfunctional environments and were trained to accept abusive behaviour as ‘normal’, but when we heal and grow, well, let’s just say that once we see dysfunction and abuse and the people who perpetrate them with open eyes, we can’t easily un-see any of it. And going back into that mess is not a desirable goal.
I’ve viewed many websites that talk about getting back at the narcissist, or trying to figure out why they hurt us. While it’s helpful to understand, in general, about toxic people and that their actions have absolutely nothing to do with us, it’s most advantageous for us to put time into our own selves and lives. That’s where the rubber meets the road, as they say. Because when we heal and learn to appreciate ourselves and our value, issues with toxic people will undoubtedly drop off. Why? We’re stronger, we learn to appreciate peace and what it’s like to have it around us, and we know without a doubt that life is too short to waste on toxic individuals and that our future happiness is worth its weight in gold.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
Hello All,
Thanks for being here. 🙂
RAIN is an acronym for a healing, meditative system for mindfulness and compassion regarding behaviours and thoughts that might be rooted in fear or other feelings. It stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. This is especially beneficial for those who are survivors of narcissistic abuse or other dysfunctional relationships because it is a gentle process that can be carried out alone and at any choice of pace.
The way it works is simple. We may at some point become aware, to whatever degree, of patterns of behaviour and thoughts that we are engaging in. There could be a catalyst that brings us to this awareness. Maybe we just had a massive blow-up with our partner or a friend. Maybe we always feel like a failure despite clear evidence to the contrary. It could be anything, or nothing at all. We may have simply arrived at this point of awareness and we’re ready to look more deeply at it. From here, we begin to recognize what might be happening. We are acknowledging that something is negatively affecting us. And we need to ask ourselves some questions from a non-judgmental state. Are we trying to control everything; to micromanage ourselves and others? Are we unintentionally harming ourselves or important relationships with others through challenging behaviours that also affect them? These are just a couple of questions we may ask ourselves but it will all depend on what we are doing and thinking, and in what context. This doesn’t need to be a full-blown self-inquiry. It can look like quiet but intentional thoughts or even a whisper.
The next step is to allow ourselves this state of recognition, without trying to understand it or label it. Just sit peacefully with it, in the absence of judgement or blame. This is somewhat of a purposeful pause in order to allow for deeper levels of attention. Fear might be showing itself. Anxiety may be hovering. We can allow ourselves to quietly observe anything that arises and acknowledge its presence within ourselves or certain situations.
Next is the investigative phase. Here, we can move on to investigating more about why we might be engaging in certain behaviours that may be causing issues for us. This is an opportunity for us to listen to our body and what it might be feeling. As the saying goes, “the issues are in our tissues”. Our bodies hold a record of our thoughts and emotions, good and bad. For example, is there tightness or discomfort in certain areas? If so, what do you think might be behind this; fear, anxiety, anger, hurt? Then ask a few simple questions. What is it that we believe about ourselves or situations that results in patterns of certain thoughts and behaviours that are not beneficial? Do we do “fill in the blank” out of fear? Are we concerned about losing control and having our worst fears come to fruition? Do we have childhood trauma from toxic role models and so we unconsciously act on messages that were unjustifiably funnelled to us as children, such as inadequacy, that we’re unlovable, abandonment, rejection, fear, and so on? Do we project unresolved, fear-based feelings from past experiences and relationships onto current relationships, inadvertently causing conflict in the present?
Lastly, we move to the nurturing process of the RAIN system. Here is the space where we show ourselves compassion and love after recognizing that we are suffering in some way. We need to ask our inner selves what is needed. Is it reassurance? Is it forgiveness? Is it engaging more in connections with others? Then we actively provide that care to ourselves. “You’re okay.” “This isn’t your fault”. “Trust yourself”. “It’s okay to reach out for connection”.
After the four RAIN steps have been completed, it’s important to simply feel our own presence and awareness. Hold onto that meditative state for as long as you need to. We don’t need to self-limit ourselves and our lives because of fear or other heavy feelings. We can seek them out within ourselves, sit with the new awareness, acknowledge our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and then nurture ourselves. In this process, we have the potential to move to new and improved spaces in our lives through self-acceptance, understanding, and compassion.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
A warm welcome to the new visitors to the site! I love Google Analytics for providing insight into website activities.
So, one topic that presents challenges for scapegoats is trust. When we’re treated as a scapegoat and/or abused by narcissists, whether it’s in a family or other relationship, it damages our ability to trust others. Here we are being treated unfairly by someone who’s supposed to love and care about us, but they use us as a patsy for their own behaviour. And they criticize, berate, and lie about us all for their own interests. Sometimes physical or other abuse is involved. There’s no loyalty coming from them to us. None. If it’s a parent, we may believe that their actions toward us are somehow justified. I mean, this is our parent. A supposed role model. Someone we should be able to trust and lean on. Someone who demands to be seen as wise and all-knowing. And yet the person they portray us to be is not anything like who we feel we are. That creates a great deal of dissonance. Then, because we’ve been taught to respect this person and “do as we’re told”, we feel guilty for even questioning them in our minds. And they will be quite willing to pile more guilt on just to keep us held down. Their behaviour towards us – control, manipulation, gaslighting, projecting, etc. – is all meant to keep us in line and under their thumb. They may try to mask it as concern, love, discipline, or whatever else, but it’s all about keeping us firmly entrenched in our scapegoat role.
If we go on to other relationships with narcissists (which is quite common because it’s familiar), this cycle will continue. Abuse, blame, guilt. At some point, it’s only human to want to stop trusting people, unless we’re fortunate enough to have people in our lives who happen to be the real deal and wouldn’t hurt us for all the money in the world. There’s only so much our psyches can take before we need to protect ourselves. That’s perfectly normal. Upsetting, but normal.
How do we learn to trust people? One big piece of advice is to take your time when we’re getting to know new people. And when it comes to people who have proved to us over and over that they can’t be trusted, but they’re suddenly saying they’ve ‘changed’, we need to keep their past behaviour in mind before we let down our guard. There truly are good people out there in the world. We just need to listen to our intuition and past experience. We need to trust ourselves and our ability to make good judgments. And if red flags turn up along the way, we have every right to remove ourselves from whatever the situation may be. Don’t worry about hurt feelings or someone getting peeved. We need to take care of ourselves, and that includes protection from people who we feel may hurt us.
In childhood, we don’t often have protection from a narcissistic parent. Family members and other relatives tend to go along with the narrative. But we may luck out and have at least one family member who’s in our corner for support, even if they do so out of sight of the narcissist. If not, we may have friends we can turn to for support. In other relationships, we may believe that the ‘love’ we were given by a narcissist is what love should look like. As a result, we may inadvertently end up with more narcissists. And that’s okay. We all learn as we go. Once we recognize toxic people, abuse, cycles, patterns, scapegoating, and so on, we can forgive ourselves for not recognizing it because it was all we knew and what we thought was ‘normal’. And then we can do our best to keep ourselves safe from that point forward. We may at some point be tricked by another toxic person, even when we thought we had a handle on knowing what to look for. That’s okay. We forgive ourselves again and we move on. We save our trust for people who deserve it.
Yes, being a scapegoat is a difficult experience. Look at it this way, though – imagine being a narcissist or other toxic, miserable type of person. Having to control and manipulate others just to feel some sense of security. Protecting a fragile ego at all costs. Hurting people over and over again. No, thanks! Even though they hurt us, at least we can learn, grow, and become stronger, kinder people. They also provide us with a spectacular model of who we don’t ever want to be. They’re absolutely stuck where they are. Very few toxic people ever change. We have so many opportunities for changing and adapting. That’s such a gift.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
(Just a note to start off with. As promised, more to come on self-acceptance (see previous post) in an upcoming post.)
Anyone who reaches an awareness of the toxicity of someone in their life – be it a parent, sibling, significant other, etc. – has to have experienced a major realization at some point. That a-ha! moment where everything (months, years, or even decades) suddenly makes sense. “Oh, wow. My Mom behaves like a narcissist!” or “My best friend of 10 years has been plotting to steal my partner all this time!” Something will trigger us to see what’s really been going on. An epiphany of sorts.
For many of us, this new reality may become crushingly clear. It could come in the form of suddenly realizing that not only has, for example, a parent not authentically supported us throughout our lives, but they have actually been actively creating and maintaining a negative narrative in their minds about us for years. And, beyond that, they have spread this narrative to others. Maybe we’ve been unjustifiably portrayed as stubborn, selfish, difficult, unintelligent, overly sensitive, lazy, or unable to successfully run our own lives. And there have likely even been occasions when we have spoken up for ourselves when subtle insinuations to these narratives have been made, only to realize that no one bothered to truly hear a word we said and simply went forward as though we had never spoken. Why? Because they’re more interested in keeping the narrative alive, for whatever reason. The whole dynamic of toxic people and their enablers or other people they’ve manipulated is typically a strong one, and, in the end, people will believe what they want to believe, regardless of facts.
Let’s take a closer look at this component of someone spreading false narratives about us and those on the receiving end believing what they want to believe, typically at the urging of a toxic person or people. Let’s face it: if the person spreading falsehoods about us happens to be a parent, many people would simply assume it must be true. Especially those who are not well-versed in toxic behaviours within families, for example, and the mechanisms of scapegoating. And that can be a tough pill to swallow, when you can’t understand how someone could believe something so absolutely inaccurate about you. But, really, anyone who has their head on straight would know better than to accept any narrative about someone without hearing what that individual has to say. And they would also have the option to avoid judgment and simply disregard the information altogether. Where does that leave us, though, when we become aware that not only has someone we may love and trust (such as a parent) been fabricating stories about who we are, but that they’ve spread it to others who are taking it at face value? It leaves us with the opportunity of finding the strength to embrace what our truth is while acknowledging and accepting that any number of factors and variables are at play around us at any given time. And that we don’t need to JADE – Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain – ourselves to anyone if we choose not to do so, especially about who we are as people or regarding our own lives and the choices we make. If someone doesn’t know who we are … who we really are as a person … then that’s their issue, not ours. If they choose to believe someone’s false narrative about us, that’s their prerogative. In the end, other people’s opinions and beliefs about us don’t have any bearing on who we genuinely are. It may disrupt relationships that we thought were deeper, but that’s nothing we can’t survive. Actually, isn’t it better to know than to go along thinking people have our back when they really don’t? I think so.
In the end, these realizations of toxic dynamics in our families and other relationships can be upsetting, disappointing, and hurtful. Sometimes they’re traumatic. Believing that someone has always had our best interests at heart and then finding out that it was anything but, can be gut-wrenching. But we are strong enough to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move forward. Yes, it can be challenging but, in the end, we’re stronger for the lessons we’ve learned and the empowerment, awareness, and knowledge we’ve gained.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
I’m a little late for a New Year’s post, but here it is in the spirit of January 1st.
My wish for everyone, especially those negatively affected by narcissists and other toxic individuals, is that they find and/or maintain a life filled with peace. Peace can permeate other layers of our lives and make everything else better, or, at the very least, somewhat easier. How we attain peace will look different for each person. But it’s a possibility for everyone, no matter how challenging things may be at any given moment.
For this new year with new possibilities, think about finding your peace, or maintaining and growing the peace that you’ve already established for yourself. Peace is the key to so many other components of our lives. No matter what’s going on around us, we have the ability to cultivate peace and hold it within ourselves. It won’t always be a simple task, but it is a possibility. It might even help to think of plants and trees that manage to grow in sidewalk cracks. Sometimes we have to grow our peace in less than ideal conditions, but it will grow despite the harshest of environments.
So, I wish you all peace in 2023! 
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
Self-care is something that I make note of in my writing on a regular basis. Why? Because it matters…a lot.
“Self-care is a sustainable and holistic investment in our minds and bodies. It includes taking good care of our physical health, most notably by eating healthily, exercising, and sleeping well. But it also entails looking after our minds and emotions, which can take the form of setting time aside for activities that nourish our spirits and learning to understand how we can best replenish our energies” (Schaffner, 2020).
When we make self-care a priority, we also make our health a priority. Without health, what are we left with?
Self-care is of particular importance when we are interacting with toxic people. It helps to keep us strong in all ways – mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And while it can be incredibly challenging to find time for self-care, with toxic people either demanding all of our attention or finding ourselves too upset or stressed to focus on personal care, carving out even just a few minutes whenever possible can make a major difference. Some narcissists, for example, create situations where we can become regularly fatigued (as with events that result in sleep deprivation), which weakens us on a holistic level. They know that their targets are easier to control and manipulate when their defences are down. So, if we can keep ourselves as strong as possible, we can have a better chance of not becoming absolutely overwhelmed and exhausted, which leaves us unprotected from the whims of disordered individuals. Also, if we’ve chosen low- or no-contact with a given person or people, we need strength to uphold our boundaries and adjust to and thrive in the changes that we have chosen for ourselves.
No matter who you are or where you are at in your life’s journey, self-care truly is essential. What self-care looks like for each person – beyond the basics of healthy eating, exercising, and adequate sleep – will be unique. We need to tune into ourselves to find what soothes our soul and gives us energy. Once we know what works for us, self-care routines are helpful. But, as was mentioned above, if regular times for self-care are not currently possible, then fitting it in where we can is the next best option. A healthy snack, taking a walk, going to bed a few minutes earlier than usual, listening to music, engaging in art of some kind, chatting with friends, playing with pets…whatever it may be that we can take even a few moments to do, it all empowers us and makes an impact.
Until next time,
Heather
~Natural Clarity Coaching~
naturalclaritycoaching.com
na********************@***il.com
Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
References
Schaffner, A. K. (2020, May 20). How To Practice Self-Care: 10 Worksheets and 12 Ideas. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/self-care-worksheets/
To all of the visitors to this website, thank you for stopping by! And to those who celebrate Christmas, I’m sending out a hearty Merry Christmas to you! For anyone who’s struggling this holiday season, take a peek at the previous post for some tips.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
For many of us – whether we are no contact, low contact, or still involved with our family of origin – witnessing or hearing about a narcissist abusing their enabler will be a common theme. This could be parents, grandparents, siblings in unhealthy relationships, etc. When we make choices to protect ourselves from narcissistic abuse, we may also lose our connection with the enabler. It can feel like a double-whammy and a huge loss. Although enablers can often seem like accessories to the behaviour of narcissists, let’s take a look at things from their perspective.
Enabling personalities will justify or indirectly support the often harmful behaviour of narcissists. In most cases, this is unintentional. It could be the result of the enabler having been raised in a toxic family and feeling that the dynamics are ‘normal’ in adulthood. And the other main reason can be that the enabler is also narcissistically abused by their partner. This typically rotates with special treatment in order for the narcissist to keep the enabler hooked. In essence, though, going along with the narcissist creates the least amount of suffering for the enabler. It’s not right or fair to anyone involved, particularly scapegoated children of any age, but it’s typically the best way for enablers to keep some semblance of peace in their lives. While we may have high expectations of our parents, they are only human in the end.
So while looking at an enabler from the perspective of also being a target of the narcissist can sometimes be a difficult task, it can also be helpful for scapegoats to be aware of it, even if just to understand that their seemingly complicit behaviour isn’t personal against us. This is definitely not an excuse for their being an often unwitting accessory to toxic actions, or at the very least a silent onlooker, but it’s a valid explanation. Enablers are essentially programmed to go along with dysfunction. In my experience and in hearing the experiences of many others, enablers suffer, too. I’ve heard stories of enablers facing health challenges and being met with a ‘partner’ (using that term lightly) who has zero empathy, care, or concern. In fact, the narcissist may even complain about how these health issues are inconvenient for them. Despite the enabler’s loyalty to this person, they rarely or never see any reciprocation. Narcissists cause suffering for everyone around them, unless we find ways to distance ourselves from them. And when we do take steps to protect ourselves, we may then be witness to ongoing abuse against enablers. We may even wish we could rescue them. But, unfortunately, protecting ourselves against narcissistic people is a personal decision that needs to happen for each of us independently. And trying to force anything can bring down a bigger storm of abuse on enablers.
Although any kind of ties with narcissists are never just, uncomplicated, or painless, it’s helpful to lessen the sting if we don’t view an enabler as part of a ‘team’ working against us with a toxic family member. In many cases, as I’ve mentioned, enablers have grown up in abusive families, only to wind up with more abusers due to the patterns of dysfunction that they think are normal and familiar. It’s sad, really.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
With Thanksgiving underway in the U.S. today, there will be many people attempting to deal with difficult situations. This could be in the form of interacting with toxic family members or experiencing loneliness from being either no contact or ignored. There’s no doubt that all of these situations are incredibly challenging and painful. The big question is: what’s the best way to deal with upsetting contact and/or loneliness, especially during special occasions?
The answer to that question is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Each individual’s situation is unique, as is where they currently are in their journey. So, as a result, there is no perfect answer. It comes down to knowing that we have the right and ability to do what works best for us as individuals. That may mean expressing boundaries to toxic family members. It may mean staying home or spending time with other people. There are a multitude of possibilities. But in the end, what is important is that we do what works best for us. That looks different for each person. For some, it may mean maintaining the status quo because conflict isn’t on the books for us right now. For others, it may look like taking a stand and laying down lines that we will enforce at all costs. For others still, peace and contentment may include the choice to simply stay home and avoid the toxicity. And all of those are perfectly fine if it fits with our current needs and goals. One tactic that rarely works in creating or keeping peace within ourselves is doing what we think will make others happy. Most of us who have grown up in dysfunctional family systems have been trained to focus our energy primarily on the happiness of others, rather than tending to our own lives. So it helps to be aware of this tendency and keep its potential influence in mind when we’re making decisions.
No matter what, just know that doing what is right for any of us, at this particular point in time, is the most important component. There’s no rulebook or guides to follow. There is no comparison necessary. Everyone’s journey is unique. We need to live the life we’ve been given, to the best of our abilities. Sometimes things get confusing and difficult, but if the focus is on peace and our best interests, then we’ll find our way.
Sending out vibes of positivity to each and every one of you, wherever you may be.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
© 2026 ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ Learn, Grow, Thrive
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑
