When we decide to go low contact or no contact with dysfunctional family members, friends, partners, workplaces, and so on, what happens to those individuals and the toxic system? It doesn’t really matter as far as our own healing and progress is concerned, but it’s interesting to consider it.
In the case of, say, a narcissistic romantic partner, there may be an initial attempt at keeping the relationship intact but they will typically move on to a new person (aka source of supply, meaning someone to keep their ego happy temporarily). When there are children involved, there may be issues, but there is definitely an assortment of legal and other means of managing everything. Toxic workplaces would be similar to romantic partners because there will typically be someone there to fill the void space, as would be the case with the majority of toxic friends (particularly ones with shallow bonds).
But when it comes to a toxic family system with, potentially, a narcissist at the helm, what happens when, say, the scapegoat leaves through low contact or no contact? This is different than the relationships noted above. Family systems have incredibly lengthy histories, with specific people who “play” certain roles. For example, with a narcissistic mother as the dominant individual, there will quite likely be an enabling father. And there will be a child or children who are the scapegoat or the golden child. The dysfunctional family system, and particularly the narcissist, needs everyone to stay in order to maintain the status quo. And the people within the system can’t simply be replaced. This toxic system can often include extended family members, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others. In order to survive, it needs its members to remain in the loop and to play their given parts.
So, scapegoats will often experience attempts by family members to keep them drawn into the mix. A narcissistic parent needs the scapegoat; to talk about, complain about, blame, control, condescend to, put down, manipulate. Without this relational dynamic, the narcissist’s system falls apart. This is at the very root of the entire game they play to feed their fragile egos. How can they play the victim or place blame if the scapegoat isn’t available? Who do they compare their golden child to, if not the scapegoat? How do they pass their time with, perhaps, an enabling partner if they don’t have their usual scapegoat fodder to regularly discuss and dissect? It may not even be the narcissistic parent who attempts to draw a scapegoat back into the fold. In fact, they’re more likely to play the victim of ‘abandonment’ and then encourage others to do the convincing on their behalf. It could be the enabling parent, siblings, other relatives, or flying monkeys (people who do the narcissist’s bidding on the mistaken belief that the narcissist is being victimized) who are friends of the narcissist. Why? Because they likely feel ill at ease with the shift in the system, in addition to having to deal with an angry narcissist who, without their fall guy, might now be aiming their increased victim charade, outbursts, blaming, and negative behaviour at other people. Everyone in the system wants to keep the narcissist happy, if only to make their own lives less difficult. Just like a loss of hydro to a home, the goal of a toxic family that has lost its integral scapegoat is to reinstitute them in their role and put the system back to ‘normal’.
To sum it up, toxic family systems will be turned on their heads when a scapegoat makes the decision to remove themselves. And those who remain will struggle with the change and will have a tendency to want to bring everything back as it was. Holding an awareness of this can be of great benefit for scapegoats. We may get the emotional impression management treatment from family members who want us to return to our role so that everything will be back in place. “We all miss you, please come back. We’re your family”. But the sad truth is that they don’t miss ‘us’; they miss the perceived stability of the toxic system, whether they realize it or not. Everyone needs to play their part to keep the dysfunction alive and well in order to have even the slightest chance of a bit of peace in their lives. This system is familiar and it’s what keeps narcissists as content as they can be, which means that everything can keep rolling along, as well as it possibly can in such a disordered environment. When we leave, they want us to return, but not for the right reasons.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
It’s quite the grand cover-up that narcissists create for themselves at the expense of others. So, when it looks like they have everything locked up and have left us no way out, how do we escape it? The biggest step is awareness. Just being conscious of how this disordered system works is more than half the battle. Beyond that, we have numerous options. We can go low- or no-contact with the abusive individual and their enablers. This can be challenging, whether it’s within a workplace, family, or other type of relationship. It may mean taking steps that are outside of our comfort zone. But we are never trapped unless we allow ourselves to believe that we are. There are paths out of the lair. We just need to see them and be willing to take the steps. That may mean walking away from or creating strong boundaries within family or relationships, asking for shift or department changes at work, or maybe even finding a new job with a healthy environment.