Hey there! So I thought it might be beneficial to go over dysfunctional and toxic family systems, such as is found with narcissists. This is a topic I’ve written about in the past, but I’m aware that there are always people coming to the blog who are in the beginning stages of trying to understand their situation.
Typically, there will be one narcissist at the helm of a family. Occasionally there will be two, but that’s a rarity. Why? Because narcissists generally gravitate towards partners who will make them the center of attention, and two narcissists couldn’t realistically supply each other with all of that ego-stroking. They want their ego stroked, and they aren’t interested in authentically doing that for anyone else. So partners of narcissists tend to be what is described as enablers. These individuals don’t take a stand for themselves or any children they may have with the narcissist. And they spend the majority of their time attempting to keep the peace and ensure that the narcissist is happy — at any cost. Enabling behaviour may also involve spending as little time at home as possible, leaving children entirely alone with the narcissist parent.
Next, in any narcissistic family there needs to be a scapegoat or black sheep amongst their children. In some cases, there’s more than one scapegoat. Scapegoats are chosen by the narcissist at birth or a young age (for any number of ridiculous reasons from gender to intelligence, physical traits, personality, and so on) and, at the urging of the narcissist parent, are blamed for everything by everyone in the family, including by their golden child sibling(s). There are many stories of scapegoats being told they have been the problem in their family since they were born! I know…it makes absolutely no sense, but that’s the way this dysfunctional system operates.
Golden child was made mention of in the previous paragraph. This child is also chosen by the narcissist, but for entirely different reasons than the scapegoat (yet it’s typically as senseless as the reasons behind the narcissist’s choice of a scapegoat). This golden child can do no wrong, ever. They are viewed as perfection itself by the narcissistic parent. The perfect baby, the smartest and funniest child, the most attractive teenager — you get the picture. And this adoration continues into adulthood for the golden child, while the scapegoat is unable to cast off their negative label no matter what they’ve accomplished in life.
The narcissistic family system requires everyone to play their assigned roles. The narcissist has all of the power and control over the family. The enabling parent needs to supply the narcissist with ongoing support, ego-stroking, and undying love. These enabling parents will throw their scapegoat child(ren) to the wolves time and again if it means keeping the peace between themselves and their narcissist partner. And this is because not only have they been told over and over again how ‘fill-in-the-blank-with-a-negative-word’ the scapegoat is, to the point that it’s simply accepted as fact, but if they don’t go along with the narcissist, their life is made miserable by narcissistic abuse. It is rare for an enabling parent to defend a scapegoat child for those very reasons. The golden child receives never-ending praise and is a source of great pride for the narcissist parent. And the scapegoat is the one who can never do anything right and is constantly having fingers pointed at them as the cause of all issues within the family (even though they probably haven’t done anything, or anything worth such berating).
From within this system, it’s easy for scapegoats to find themselves in other abusive relationships as they get older. When you’re told you’re always in the wrong and to blame for everyone’s problems, it’s easy to feel like that’s ‘normal’. It can be said that scapegoats often gravitate towards toxic people, and the reverse is also true. Toxic people need others to abuse and control, while scapegoats have been conditioned to follow orders and accept whatever is dished out to them. It’s an unfortunate but ideal pairing.
But once we see it — the abusive behaviour, controlling, gaslighting, unfairness — it’s difficult to un-see it. And although it’s common to feel stuck, there are ways out of this role and, if we choose, out of these relationships. Boundaries, low contact, no contact, etc. To start, though, we can begin to heal by empowering ourselves and recognizing our value. There are posts about all of this within the Natural Clarity Coaching blog pages, and there will be more to come. Because it’s all about empowerment and healing. Feel free to drop in and read posts at any time. They were written to empower, support, and give hope.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours 
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Above all else, toxic families present the ultimate betrayal. They leave members, particularly scapegoats, feeling unloved, insignificant, alone, abused, confused, bullied, useless, responsible for all that is wrong in the family, and flawed beyond hope. And then all of these feelings and beliefs, based on the type of ‘love’ (which is not love at all) experienced in this family system, set members up to be at high risk for winding up in other toxic relationships as adults.