Tag: silence

Tactics used by Narcissists to control and/or silence others – Part 1

May 4, 2021 / Heather / 0 Comments

Narcissists use a variety of tactics to get what they want, including control over or silencing others. Here are just a few of the main tactics together with ways to combat them.

Projection – Narcissists refuse to see their own shortcomings because it damages their already fragile egos. As a result, they will accuse others of their own traits and behaviours in order to displace these things from themselves. How to stay strong: Don’t project your good traits onto the narcissist (expecting them to be like you is dangerous and will be disappointing), and don’t accept their negative ones as your own.

Gaslighting – This is a technique used by narcissists to cause distortion and erosion of other people’s sense of reality. They will suggest that an event didn’t happen or that it was all a figment of someone’s imagination and so on. Eventually, people who are gaslighted regularly will begin to question themselves and their sanity. How to stay strong: Make a point of grounding yourself in your own reality. It helps to keep a journal or discuss things with friends or members of a support group.

Ridiculous Conversations – Narcissists love to argue and it often turns a conversation into complete and utter nonsense. At the root of it, these people are arguing with themselves, not you. How to stay strong: A good option is to cut the conversation short and walk away.

All or Nothing/Black and White Thinking and Generalizations – “You never do anything right”. “You always make me angry”. “That group of people are always a problem”. Narcissistically-inclined individuals make blanket statements and far-reaching generalizations about anyone and everyone. How to stay strong: Try not to engage. Walk away wherever possible.

Making Other People’s Thoughts and Feelings Appear Absurd to Invalidate Their Rights to Have Them – If a narcissist can make someone believe that their feelings and thoughts are crazy and absurd, they can eventually wear them down until they believe they aren’t deserving of those things. How to stay strong: Again, try to stay grounded in your own reality and recognize that your feelings and thoughts are relevant and important.

Triangulation – I have written previous posts on the subject of triangulation. Triangulation involves a narcissist who won’t deal directly with someone but instead brings in a third party to do their dirty work for them, thus forming a triangle. How to stay strong: If you feel you need to respond to a third party acting on behalf of a narcissist, try to keep it short and to the point. Historically, the less you engage, the better it will be for you.

Smear Campaigns, Stalking – I have also written posts on smear campaigns in the past. This is a situation in which a narcissist targets you by speaking ill of you as an alleged aggressor while making themselves appear to be the victim, and they will spew their lies to anyone who is willing to listen, including your partners, children, friends, coworkers, relatives and so on. The narcissist may also stalk you in-person or online in order to find information with which to begin new attacks against you. How to stay strong: Again, a less-is-better approach is typically beneficial. If people confront you about your supposed negative behaviour towards a narcissist, a short “There are two sides to every story” or “If you knew me, you would know better” or something similar can be helpful. Silence is another option. Eventually, most people figure out that the person who launched the smear campaign against you is a narcissist and not to be believed.

I will move on to Part 2 on this subject of manipulative tactics to silence people in a future post. In the meantime, I recommend that everyone be aware of these tactics so as to (hopefully) not fall prey to them. When we educate ourselves regarding narcissistic behaviour, we give ourselves the tools to recognize and stay safe from their disordered actions.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

The Silent Treatment (narcissists love using it)

November 26, 2020 / Heather / 0 Comments

So, my last post touched on how narcissists use words to control. Typically, if words don’t have the desired impact that a narcissist wants, they will turn next to the silent treatment. Simply put, this involves the refusal to communicate verbally to a certain person or people. It’s a form of punishment, control, avoidance and/or disempowerment.

For example, let’s say I have stood up to a narcissistic person who has been verbally abusive towards me. They have then attempted to justify their poor behaviour by blaming it all on me and then tried to twist reality to say that I have, in fact, somehow victimized them. But I’m not having any of it and I let them know it. Next tactic – the narcissist begins giving me the silent treatment by refusing to speak to me any further in that moment and then possibly for days, weeks or more beyond that. Chances are that this will be happening in conjunction with a smear campaign (see prior blog post in archives) in an effort to turn others against me as further punishment. That’s pretty much how this process works, with minor variances.

Depending on who the narcissist/narcissists is/are in your life, being given the silent treatment can be a very challenging experience. It can bring with it feelings of guilt, shame, abandonment, loneliness, loss, betrayal and so on. But, just like most things related to narcissism, it’s all about control for them. Controlling with words, controlling with silence, controlling with other forms of abuse. Consider the source. This is a disordered individual with a hypersensitive ego that they will do almost anything to protect. Their behaviour has nothing to do with anyone but themselves and their own issues.

So, what are some potential ways to deal with someone who is behaving in such an uncommunicative, juvenile and hurtful fashion? Well, depending on your situation, you could completely ignore them and get on with things while their behaviour runs its course. Alternatively, you could let them know that you can see what they are doing and that you aren’t interested in playing that game, and then forget about them entirely until they stop with the nonsense. Low contact or no contact are also options, either temporary or permanent (see post on this topic in archives). Of course, you could beg them to speak to you or scream until you’re hoarse, but that only serves to give them exactly what they want – control and power.

The end goal in dealing with a narcissistic-type person is to keep your wellbeing and sanity in place. Do what you feel you need to do. But, also, the constant theme should be to ensure that there are boundaries in place to protect yourself on all levels, and that means not allowing yourself to be drawn into their regular attempts at manipulation and control.

No matter what, your wellbeing comes first. Focus on your own life, keep busy, exercise, engage in hobbies, spend time with non-narcissistic friends/family and try to put negativity out of your mind. Silent treatments are rarely permanent. In the meantime, see it for what it is (basically a sulking toddler) and don’t give away any of your power or sanity to it. It gets easier every time. And if you arrive at a point where you simply choose not to have much or any future contact with this individual, that’s your prerogative. It’s your life and you have the right to live it as you see fit.

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ http://www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Projection – Its everyday use by Narcissists, and choices for how to respond (or not)

November 6, 2020 / Heather / 0 Comments

So, first of all, in psychology terms, projection refers to taking one’s own feelings, beliefs and/or insecurities and projecting/placing them onto someone else. Let’s say, for example, I’m feeling anxious about something. I may then approach my friend, who at that moment is free of anxiety, and talk to her as though she’s the one who is anxious, which may, as an aside, actually make her feel anxious. If I can convince myself that my friend is actually the anxious one in the scenario, it might just lighten or entirely remove the intensity of it for me. This is typically an activity, unaware as we may be of it, that we all do from time to time.

When used by narcissists, projection becomes somewhat of a weapon. And they use it on a very regular, albeit typically subconscious, basis. Narcissistic individuals base their entire self-worth on how they are perceived by others. In order to protect their fragile egos, the disordered will deny any shortcomings, usually by shifting the blame (projecting) for any issues onto, as well as devaluing, others. If it’s a romantic relationship and they happen to be unfaithful to their partner, suddenly they treat their partner as the one who has strayed. Or the narcissist in any type of relationship or situation may use projection by claiming that you are abusive to them (aka they are the “victim”) when, in fact, it is quite the opposite. Classic narcissistic behaviour using projection.

So, what approach is useful for dealing with narcissistic projection? As set out in my previous blog post on smear campaigns (the often culminating event of projection), silence tends to work well as a response and as a strong boundary. That means avoiding JED; justifying, explaining, defending. Narcissists literally count on their victims to JED so that they can further their agenda of playing the victim and take the heat off of their own shortcomings that they can’t bear to look at. They feed on the responses to their projection behaviour. If circumstances do not allow for silence as a reaction to projection, try to say as little as you need to and without JED-ing or pointing fingers in the process. Stick to the facts and leave emotion out of it as much as is humanly possible.

Above all else, check in with yourself when you feel that you’ve been accused of or made to feel responsible for something (feelings, behaviour, etc.) that isn’t yours. Recognize that projection is a very real and common occurrence and that you don’t need to ‘own’ anyone else’s issues, especially those who are in the narcissistic category. At the very foundation of it, narcissists cannot face any shortcomings in themselves – it goes against everything they constantly do to protect their sensitive egos – and they will go to any length to deflect it onto others. Do your best not to be drawn into their maneuvers and you can be assured of much less narcissistic drama in your life together with freedom from battles that aren’t yours to fight.