(Just a note to start off with. As promised, more to come on self-acceptance (see previous post) in an upcoming post.)
Anyone who reaches an awareness of the toxicity of someone in their life – be it a parent, sibling, significant other, etc. – has to have experienced a major realization at some point. That a-ha! moment where everything (months, years, or even decades) suddenly makes sense. “Oh, wow. My Mom behaves like a narcissist!” or “My best friend of 10 years has been plotting to steal my partner all this time!” Something will trigger us to see what’s really been going on. An epiphany of sorts.
For many of us, this new reality may become crushingly clear. It could come in the form of suddenly realizing that not only has, for example, a parent not authentically supported us throughout our lives, but they have actually been actively creating and maintaining a negative narrative in their minds about us for years. And, beyond that, they have spread this narrative to others. Maybe we’ve been unjustifiably portrayed as stubborn, selfish, difficult, unintelligent, overly sensitive, lazy, or unable to successfully run our own lives. And there have likely even been occasions when we have spoken up for ourselves when subtle insinuations to these narratives have been made, only to realize that no one bothered to truly hear a word we said and simply went forward as though we had never spoken. Why? Because they’re more interested in keeping the narrative alive, for whatever reason. The whole dynamic of toxic people and their enablers or other people they’ve manipulated is typically a strong one, and, in the end, people will believe what they want to believe, regardless of facts.
Let’s take a closer look at this component of someone spreading false narratives about us and those on the receiving end believing what they want to believe, typically at the urging of a toxic person or people. Let’s face it: if the person spreading falsehoods about us happens to be a parent, many people would simply assume it must be true. Especially those who are not well-versed in toxic behaviours within families, for example, and the mechanisms of scapegoating. And that can be a tough pill to swallow, when you can’t understand how someone could believe something so absolutely inaccurate about you. But, really, anyone who has their head on straight would know better than to accept any narrative about someone without hearing what that individual has to say. And they would also have the option to avoid judgment and simply disregard the information altogether. Where does that leave us, though, when we become aware that not only has someone we may love and trust (such as a parent) been fabricating stories about who we are, but that they’ve spread it to others who are taking it at face value? It leaves us with the opportunity of finding the strength to embrace what our truth is while acknowledging and accepting that any number of factors and variables are at play around us at any given time. And that we don’t need to JADE – Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain – ourselves to anyone if we choose not to do so, especially about who we are as people or regarding our own lives and the choices we make. If someone doesn’t know who we are … who we really are as a person … then that’s their issue, not ours. If they choose to believe someone’s false narrative about us, that’s their prerogative. In the end, other people’s opinions and beliefs about us don’t have any bearing on who we genuinely are. It may disrupt relationships that we thought were deeper, but that’s nothing we can’t survive. Actually, isn’t it better to know than to go along thinking people have our back when they really don’t? I think so.
In the end, these realizations of toxic dynamics in our families and other relationships can be upsetting, disappointing, and hurtful. Sometimes they’re traumatic. Believing that someone has always had our best interests at heart and then finding out that it was anything but, can be gut-wrenching. But we are strong enough to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move forward. Yes, it can be challenging but, in the end, we’re stronger for the lessons we’ve learned and the empowerment, awareness, and knowledge we’ve gained.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
It’s quite the grand cover-up that narcissists create for themselves at the expense of others. So, when it looks like they have everything locked up and have left us no way out, how do we escape it? The biggest step is awareness. Just being conscious of how this disordered system works is more than half the battle. Beyond that, we have numerous options. We can go low- or no-contact with the abusive individual and their enablers. This can be challenging, whether it’s within a workplace, family, or other type of relationship. It may mean taking steps that are outside of our comfort zone. But we are never trapped unless we allow ourselves to believe that we are. There are paths out of the lair. We just need to see them and be willing to take the steps. That may mean walking away from or creating strong boundaries within family or relationships, asking for shift or department changes at work, or maybe even finding a new job with a healthy environment.