If you’re interested, here’s a link to a book on the subject of narcissistic personality disorder: https://amzn.to/3PbfsJq
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours 
*
When we decide to go low contact or no contact with dysfunctional family members, friends, partners, workplaces, and so on, what happens to those individuals and the toxic system? It doesn’t really matter as far as our own healing and progress is concerned, but it’s interesting to consider it.
In the case of, say, a narcissistic romantic partner, there may be an initial attempt at keeping the relationship intact but they will typically move on to a new person (aka source of supply, meaning someone to keep their ego happy temporarily). When there are children involved, there may be issues, but there is definitely an assortment of legal and other means of managing everything. Toxic workplaces would be similar to romantic partners because there will typically be someone there to fill the void space, as would be the case with the majority of toxic friends (particularly ones with shallow bonds).
But when it comes to a toxic family system with, potentially, a narcissist at the helm, what happens when, say, the scapegoat leaves through low contact or no contact? This is different than the relationships noted above. Family systems have incredibly lengthy histories, with specific people who “play” certain roles. For example, with a narcissistic mother as the dominant individual, there will quite likely be an enabling father. And there will be a child or children who are the scapegoat or the golden child. The dysfunctional family system, and particularly the narcissist, needs everyone to stay in order to maintain the status quo. And the people within the system can’t simply be replaced. This toxic system can often include extended family members, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others. In order to survive, it needs its members to remain in the loop and to play their given parts.
So, scapegoats will often experience attempts by family members to keep them drawn into the mix. A narcissistic parent needs the scapegoat; to talk about, complain about, blame, control, condescend to, put down, manipulate. Without this relational dynamic, the narcissist’s system falls apart. This is at the very root of the entire game they play to feed their fragile egos. How can they play the victim or place blame if the scapegoat isn’t available? Who do they compare their golden child to, if not the scapegoat? How do they pass their time with, perhaps, an enabling partner if they don’t have their usual scapegoat fodder to regularly discuss and dissect? It may not even be the narcissistic parent who attempts to draw a scapegoat back into the fold. In fact, they’re more likely to play the victim of ‘abandonment’ and then encourage others to do the convincing on their behalf. It could be the enabling parent, siblings, other relatives, or flying monkeys (people who do the narcissist’s bidding on the mistaken belief that the narcissist is being victimized) who are friends of the narcissist. Why? Because they likely feel ill at ease with the shift in the system, in addition to having to deal with an angry narcissist who, without their fall guy, might now be aiming their increased victim charade, outbursts, blaming, and negative behaviour at other people. Everyone in the system wants to keep the narcissist happy, if only to make their own lives less difficult. Just like a loss of hydro to a home, the goal of a toxic family that has lost its integral scapegoat is to reinstitute them in their role and put the system back to ‘normal’.
To sum it up, toxic family systems will be turned on their heads when a scapegoat makes the decision to remove themselves. And those who remain will struggle with the change and will have a tendency to want to bring everything back as it was. Holding an awareness of this can be of great benefit for scapegoats. We may get the emotional impression management treatment from family members who want us to return to our role so that everything will be back in place. “We all miss you, please come back. We’re your family”. But the sad truth is that they don’t miss ‘us’; they miss the perceived stability of the toxic system, whether they realize it or not. Everyone needs to play their part to keep the dysfunction alive and well in order to have even the slightest chance of a bit of peace in their lives. This system is familiar and it’s what keeps narcissists as content as they can be, which means that everything can keep rolling along, as well as it possibly can in such a disordered environment. When we leave, they want us to return, but not for the right reasons.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
Yes!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
From the perspective of an ACON (Adult Children of Narcissists) and a DONM (Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers), I could literally write a book on my experiences. In all honesty, anyone who grew up in a disordered household headed by a narcissist will have innumerable stories they could tell. The tales we can tell are our own but, sadly, the majority of them are incredibly similar at their root level. They all generally boil down to narcissistic behaviours and how they domino out to everyone in their orbit.
If I were to go to a more personal level and summarize my life as the child of a narcissist into its most basic form by using a few examples, it would be this:
As the family scapegoat, I felt from a very early age that my mom and I simply didn’t ‘jive’. The connection just wasn’t there. Being female, and through no fault of my own (from stories recounted to me, this appears to have started when I was just a baby – for example, being told many times over the course of my life that she wanted to throw me against a wall because I cried when I had colic), I triggered her own deep-seated issues, which caused her to target me and resulted in a lack of a bond between us. This woman adores, supports, encourages, brags about and idolizes my younger brother. It’s not as though she is incapable of those things. Ironically enough, when he and I have made similar decisions in our lives as adults, she has raved about how wondrous his choices were but somehow managed to find fault with all of mine. Although this narcissistic behaviour became abundantly clear to me many years ago, it was incredibly confusing when I was younger, and led to me accepting her nonsense and losing any self-esteem or confidence I may have had. This was my mother. My dad went along with it. I believed her to be the all-knowing and wise person she claimed to be. If she deemed me a disappointment and a failure, then she was probably right as far as I was concerned. That’s what narcissistic abuse has the potential to do to a person when they don’t have a knowledgeable support system or awareness to lean on.
Throughout my childhood and into my teen years, I was pressured and expected to excel at everything I did while, simultaneously, a cloud of low expectations hung over my head. My mom expected me to be the best (because in her mind this would make her look good to the outside world) while at the same time telling me I was “just average” (she’s big on labelling, especially when it comes to intelligence). To add insult to injury, no matter how well I did in school or other pursuits, it was never good enough for her. An ‘A’ on a test would result in her questioning why it wasn’t an A+. On occasions when an A+ was awarded, apparently it was obvious to my mom that the test was too easy and likely everyone in the class did well on it. Or sometimes she surmised that the teacher must have favored me and therefore the mark wasn’t truly representative of my (in her opinion, limited) abilities and was undeserved and, in fact, unfair to my classmates. The same judgments were a constant for any of my other pursuits, including sports and, especially, music. She always heard that one little mistake and, in her opinion, that ruined the entire performance. That one error would be blown out of proportion and zero credit would be given for the thousands of correct notes and other musical elements that go together with them. Looking back from an adult’s point of view, I realized that from a young age I began focusing on the negative and not looking at my strengths as a direct result of my mother’s constant judgments and criticisms as well as the almost complete lack of encouragement and support. One mistake became catastrophic in my mind.
My friends were also constantly being critiqued and negative comments made to me about them. In her mind, I never chose the ‘right’ friends (or partners as I got older). She would literally suggest the people that I should spend time with (people she felt would be “good friends”) and would badger me about it on a regular basis. There would be comments made by her that my chosen friends were abusive (ironic, isn’t it?!) and that I needed to “get a backbone” and “stand up” for myself. One time when I had a falling out (temporary, thankfully) with a friend (which, by the way, was instigated by my mom and her constant prodding), I shared with my mom just how upset I was that I felt I had lost my best friend. Rather than comfort me or say something supportive, she started crying and told me that she thought she was my best friend and that what I said had hurt her deeply! Within a couple weeks, though, she was talking about how many years she and her “best friend” had known one another!
One moment that is very vivid for me after many years was the time that I told my mom that I was feeling depressed. After getting this out in the open, I started to cry because I was feeling emotional. She slapped me across the face, told me to “snap out of it” and then stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Needless to say, that was truly a lesson in not sharing my feelings that has stuck with me since then. Working through it has been a process but is well worth it.
In terms of my family of origin (FOO), it was dysfunctional from day one. My dad, bless his heart, is a lovely man who is loyal and kind to a fault. Does he see my mom for who she is? I don’t know for certain. I’ve seen glimpses of awareness over the years but his enabling behaviour continues regardless. However, I do understand the reason for this. My mom has a strong “you’re either with me or against me” mentality with everyone in her life. If my dad even slightly appears to side with anyone but her, days or sometimes weeks of misery rain down upon him. Her vicious griping is equally as undesirable as her cold stares and silent treatment. I don’t blame him for wanting to avoid all of that. I get it because I’ve lived it, too. He has spent decades working/escaping more than he was home so I’m sure it’s nice to look forward to downtime rather than dreading it. But it’s also really difficult for me to have always been the scapegoat (my golden child sibling was, of course, rarely held accountable for anything), the black sheep, the one “in the wrong” no matter what, the one whose perspective was not allowed to be heard. As an aside, I had an absolutely wonderful grandmother who lived nearby who was supportive, loving, caring and an amazing friend. Without her … well, I wouldn’t even want to imagine how much more challenging life would have been. Although we rarely spoke of my mom or her behaviour (it’s quite likely that she had never put a name to it, and she was also someone who didn’t speak of others behind their backs), my grandma was there for me and that was what mattered.
Fittingly enough, the final narcissistic straw for me that led to many and continuing years of low and rare contact (never in-person or by phone) with my parents was, after several months of ridiculous drama, my mom pressuring my dad to the point where he informed me that I had “been the problem in this family for XX years” (the X’s represent my age at the time). Yes, folks, apparently my just being born was an issue and, in fact, the very reason our family was so disordered. After all that, I was then informed by my mom that my dad wouldn’t have said that (it was said in front of a witness) and that I needed to apologize. And that situation from start to finish is something that really sealed the deal for me in recognizing that I genuinely was not and had never been “the problem” in my family, no matter how much my narcissistic mother needed to label me as such in order to avoid dealing with or having other people focus on her many serious issues and the trouble those had caused within our family unit. Before I could walk, talk or be independent enough to even cause a problem for anyone, I was negatively labelled and that continued on because my mom needed it to and my dad felt that he was required to go along with it or else be made miserable (yes, he had choices but his blind loyalty and trying to protect his own peace traditionally came and still comes first). And then to be be informed that I had made up my dad’s words to me and should apologize … well, that was added to the already large stores of strong evidence that my mom holds neither herself (I don’t recall her ever sincerely accepting responsibility for her actions or giving a genuine apology for anything) nor anyone who acts on her behalf accountable for anything. Shifting the blame is typical behaviour, particularly blaming the family scapegoat.
So, obviously this is an incredibly shortened version of a small number of my experiences within a narcissistic family. There are hundreds, maybe thousands more that I could write about but it would take me well beyond the scope of a website post. Since becoming aware of my mother’s issues, how it impacted my family of origin, and how it has deeply affected me on more levels than I ever thought possible, I have read, researched and taken in everything possible on the subject of narcissism and its far-reaching impacts. I have worked diligently on my own recovery and committed years ago to helping and supporting others in doing the same. I also firmly believe in educating people in the realm of narcissism awareness so that some might be spared from being victims of the damage caused by individuals with this personality disorder. Difficult as they were, my experiences have made me the person I am today and also placed me in the position of being there to help others who find themselves in the grips of narcissistic abuse and/or attempting to recover from it.
Until next time,
Heather Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
As an adult child of a narcissist, life can be challenging in many ways. The shock of the realization that one’s parent(s) is/are narcissistic can be shocking, disappointing, depressing, anxiety-provoking, disillusioning, etc. Having a trustworthy support system is crucial, be it a family member, friend, therapist, life coach, online support group or another resource. This new awareness opens up not only intense emotions with regard to the narcissist parent (and possibly the other parent or family members , who may be a ‘flying monkey’, and maybe a sibling who is a ‘golden child’) but also about ourselves (and quite possibly our previously unknown role in the family as the ‘scapegoat’).
First of all, we are learning that this person, our parent, who we probably believed to be the end all and be all has turned out to be disordered. We may have thought they were any number of amazing things (mostly because they led us to believe this and brought down consequences if we questioned it) and now it may appear that none or very little of it was accurate. Our lives have been shaped by this person, often in negative ways. This realization will likely bring our entire upbringing and belief systems into massive question. Without a doubt, our relationship with this person will feel broken and confusing. Pulling away seems like a good option, temporary or otherwise. It feels as though everything is a lie and we commonly begin questioning our family, childhood, experiences, beliefs, feelings. We need to work through all of this to get to a better place.
In addition to the above, it is common to then begin analyzing ourselves in this new light. Our lives, our belief systems, our relationships … everything may seem to have been upended in a heartbeat. Turn to supports now more than ever.
With your trusted resource(s) of choice, it is beneficial to talk about your feelings. Get them out in the open in a safe environment and work on processing them. Be patient with yourself. This step takes time. (Keep in mind that Complex PTSD and/or other mental health issues may also be realities that you need to either rule out or get help for) The fog will lift and clarity will take its place. We need to believe in ourselves, our abilities and our hope for the future.
If you are not well-versed on narcissism, it never hurts to educate yourself about the traits and behaviour so that you can see this person as they are and understand what is behind their actions and words. As I always say, these are weak people with fragile egos that they spend most of their time protecting, often at the expense of the people around them as they attempt to control everything and everyone in their lives.
I strongly recommend online support groups as a resource to lean on for support. Whether you post or comment or simply read the words of others, you will know that you are not alone and this can be of great comfort. People in these groups are at various stages of their recovery, but above all else, they know what you’re experiencing because they are going through or have been through similar experiences.
As ACON’s, we need to give ourselves credit for what we have survived and the steps we will continue to take to keep ourselves strong and whole with this new reality in mind. We have endured incredibly difficult situations within our family of origin (FOO) but we are still standing. If this isn’t a testament to our great strength, I don’t know what is. Try looking at this as the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new and wonderful chapter on your journey. The best is yet to come and we will find that peace and happiness that has been so elusive in the past. This is a time of awakening and awareness that can help us to thrive if we are willing to take that step for ourselves. We are worth it!!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter
For anyone, whether they are recovering from narcissistic abuse, trying to depressurize from a high-stress occupation, contemplating and/or implementing major life changes, living with mental or physical wellness issues and so on, learning to seek out everyday peace or simply peaceful moments can make an enormous difference in our lives.
Finding peace isn’t as simple as closing our eyes and spinning around three times while uttering the word ‘zen’ and breathing deeply. It also doesn’t mean that all our worries and issues will magically disappear; however, finding peace can help us to stay balanced and grounded no matter what life is throwing at us. Peace is a state of mind and also a practice that, at first, requires dedicated time and a conscious effort. We can build up from short moments to being able to maintain it throughout many of our days if we choose. It can eventually become a natural event that we turn to without much thought or planning. Peace is a state that we need to become familiar with so that it becomes easily recognizable and attainable.
Peace initially arises from concerted efforts to quiet our minds and bodies from the stresses and hustle and bustle of everyday life. This practice of quieting can include anything that works for a person, from meditation to yoga to walking to swimming and anything in between. If a particular activity brings about relaxation and the letting go of stress and tension, then that’s a practice that we know works for us. We’re each unique individuals and, as such, we have unique needs. Shutting off from all electronic devices and possibly other people while you do this is incredibly helpful as well. We are also the decision-makers as to how often we engage in the practice of finding peace. Making it a routine can definitely be quite helpful in ensuring that it becomes a regular activity for us.
One thing to bear in mind is that our minds and bodies are interconnected. When we make an effort to settle our minds, it is generally easier for our bodies to follow suit, and vice versa. Peace is born out of achieving a state of calm and self-care whenever we are able to do so. As we become more adept at reaching this state, it becomes more habitual and ‘normal’ for us to do so more and more regularly. From peace can come holistic wellness and a host of other benefits on all levels.
So think about giving it a try – find your peace and see where it takes you. 🙂
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
One of the most difficult situations I encountered after making the decision to leave my alcoholic and narcissistic spouse was finding my way out. We shared children, a home, vehicles and other assets, debts and several years of marriage. All of it felt incredibly overwhelming, and my fears and feelings ran the gamut from financial (many issues on this level, which left me feeling stuck) to emotional. The people in my life who knew about it at that time chose to ignore it – read that as my ‘narcissist of origin’ enjoyed watching me struggle. Others had no idea what I was dealing with because shame and fear kept me from disclosing the situation.
At a complete loss and feeling very fragile, I reached out to a local women’s shelter and thankfully found people willing to support me through the process of leaving an abusive partner. I was placed with an amazing social worker with the shelter who provided counselling without any fees (of note, CAMH is another organization that offers free-of-charge counselling – I spent a bit of time with them as well – and some private counselling services do have subsidized sessions based on income), helped me create a safe exit plan which could involve law enforcement if necessary, and made sure that every available resource was discussed. I can’t speak for all shelters but this particular one, whether you actually stayed there or just needed help from the outside, offered funds to pay for moving expenses (and help with the actual move) and initial rent and utility set-up bills as well as readying a home with some furnishings, groceries and other essential needs. If you require assistance and have no idea where to turn, don’t be afraid to contact a local shelter or other social service agency and ask what they might be able to help you with. There are so many people out there who are ready and willing to help.
I also attended a free legal resource centre in order to discuss with a lawyer my rights, obligations and creation of a separation agreement. In addition, a few months after leaving, I took the step to file the agreement, which had been signed by both my spouse and I in front of a witness, with the courts and then FRO (Financial Responsibility Office in Ontario) in order to ensure that child support payments would be made, which helped in the avoidance of struggles over it with my ex-spouse. Unfortunately, off the start, the child support was used as a tool to further abuse me both financially and emotionally. There were threats of it not being paid at all, or messages about delays in payment because his needs should come first, etc., which is why I took the step of filing the necessary documents and setting everything up with FRO. I refused to be further abused by or in regular contact with this person so I did my research and found yet another resource to facilitate my transition to freedom. Again, the resources are there but it’s often necessary to conduct research and then advocate for yourself to get where you need to be.
This is only a brief version of the steps I took in leaving. My goal in writing about it is to help with awareness that no one is alone when they choose to leave a narcissistic partner or family member. There are supportive resources available on many levels to aid individuals through the difficult transition of escaping from an abuser.
My advice is to not allow a lack of funds to hold you somewhere that you have chosen not to be. Reach out to friends, family, organizations – anyone you feel safe to discuss the situation with. They can help you and provide needed supports to move forward to a better, safer and more peaceful and healthy life.
Trust me – I know how grim and hopeless it feels when you have been abused by a narcissistic partner or family member, you have made the decision to end the relationship, and then you have no idea where to turn or what to do next. You’re likely already in a place of severe physical and mental exhaustion and possibly struggling with anxiety and depression as well as fear of retaliation, not to mention worrying about a major life change. Putting one foot in front of the other can feel like a significant challenge, let alone making plans and finding the means – financial, emotional, etc. – to leave and start over. My experience is that once I found support and began to feel an inkling of hope, momentum, strength and courage slowly but surely built up from there. Creating a safe plan of action and goals with my social worker gave me something to work towards. Even though I went though most of the initial part of the transition in somewhat of a fog and doing most of it on auto-pilot, I knew deep inside, despite my fears and apprehension, that a better life awaited my children and I. Turns out I was right. It didn’t happen overnight and the challenges obviously did not end immediately upon me leaving my spouse, but in time everything began to improve and my life changed in ways I had never imagined possible.
I created Natural Clarity Coaching to be an affordable support system, particularly for anyone dealing with narcissistic abuse and recovery, regardless of what stage of it they may be in. My fees are also on a sliding scale based on income (on the honor system – no need to divulge your financials). If you would like to know more, please don’t hesitate to contact me at na********************@***il.com. Initial consultations are free of charge, completely confidential and without any obligation. You don’t need to stay in an abusive situation because you believe there is nowhere to go, potentially a lack of funds to get you there, and no one to assist you, and it isn’t necessary to experience the processes of deciding to leave, leaving or recovery, without support. Reach out for whatever resources you need in order to get yourself to a better place and to further grow and thrive once you’re there.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
I think it’s natural to sometimes wonder what brings a person to a certain career choice. For anyone who might be curious as to why I write the posts contained on my website, offer recovery support services, and how it all came about, my answer is a fairly simple one:
I have experienced a great deal of narcissistic abuse over the course of my life and within a variety of relationships. It negatively impacted quite heavily on all areas of my existence over the years. When the “a-ha” moment arrived in the form of awareness of narcissistic abuse and its dynamics, my recovery began.
Since that point in time, I have made a commitment to helping others find their way on the path to recovery from narcissistic abuse. Off the start, I felt completely alone with this new realization (which is one of the many reasons that I believe the support system I offer to be so incredibly important). I wasn’t sure who to turn to or what to do next. In time, I engaged in extensive therapy, read every book on the subject of narcissism, abuse and related issues that I could get my hands on, took and continue to take courses on a variety of topics not only to further my understanding of recovery and ongoing self-care but to better help others, severely limited my interaction with narcissistic individuals and focused on finding myself after years of being controlled, manipulated and told who I needed to be. It has, as a result, become my mission to inform, assist and support anyone who is in search of recovery from narcissistic abuse. This all comes from a place of lived experience, empathy, knowledge and the strong belief that no one should have to endure suffering and sustain personal damage as a direct result of the behaviour of disordered individuals such as narcissists.
So, in simple terms, that’s my ‘why’. If you would like to know more about the recovery support and other services that I offer, please feel free to drop me an e-mail at na********************@***il.com. I will get back to you within 24 hours. There is also a wide selection of ever-growing posts to be found on my website.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter
For those of us who were raised by narcissists, there are some very common challenges that may rear their ugly heads when we are adults. Here are just a few: 1. Depression and anxiety; 2. Low self-esteem; 3. Trust and abandonment issues; 4. Feeling unworthy of love and respect; 5. Downplaying accomplishments; 6. Finding yourself in recurring dysfunctional, destructive relationships; 7. Low or no self-care.
These are just some of the possible outcomes resulting from a childhood with narcissistic parents or role models. Obviously, because we are all individuals, the specific results will be unique. For the majority of us, it takes many years to recognize and then accept the damage that has been done on so many levels. In all honesty, some people never recognize it for what it is and, subsequently, go through their entire lives suffering. It doesn’t have to be this way, and this is one of the many reasons that I have dedicated myself to helping others in the realm of narcissistic abuse awareness and recovery.
My primary recommendation, whether a person has just an inkling of a feeling that something was/is ‘off’ in their family of origin or relationship(s), or if they have a massive “a-ha” moment of realization and see the damage within themselves, is to seek out support. Forums, support groups, therapists/psychologists/counsellors who are knowledgeable in narcissistic abuse and treatment, narcissistic abuse recovery coaches such as myself, friends who understand … whatever supportive resources you can locate for yourself, just do it. Having support is absolutely key in journeying through narcissistic abuse awareness, acceptance and recovery, particularly in the early stages.
In addition to support, it is imperative, beyond educating yourself about narcissism (fragile egos and disordered individuals) so that you understand what happened and why, to shine the spotlight on your recovery. Be patient with yourself, take the time you need to make your way through the process, look after yourself on all levels – mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. You need to make yourself strong for this journey. I can’t emphasize enough just how important this is. Invest in your recovery because it will serve you well in the future. In fact, it will more than likely change your life for the better in ways you never imagined!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
© 2025 ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ Learn, Grow, Thrive
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑
