As an adult child of a narcissist, life can be challenging in many ways. The shock of the realization that one’s parent(s) is/are narcissistic can be shocking, disappointing, depressing, anxiety-provoking, disillusioning, etc. Having a trustworthy support system is crucial, be it a family member, friend, therapist, life coach, online support group or another resource. This new awareness opens up not only intense emotions with regard to the narcissist parent (and possibly the other parent or family members , who may be a ‘flying monkey’, and maybe a sibling who is a ‘golden child’) but also about ourselves (and quite possibly our previously unknown role in the family as the ‘scapegoat’).
First of all, we are learning that this person, our parent, who we probably believed to be the end all and be all has turned out to be disordered. We may have thought they were any number of amazing things (mostly because they led us to believe this and brought down consequences if we questioned it) and now it may appear that none or very little of it was accurate. Our lives have been shaped by this person, often in negative ways. This realization will likely bring our entire upbringing and belief systems into massive question. Without a doubt, our relationship with this person will feel broken and confusing. Pulling away seems like a good option, temporary or otherwise. It feels as though everything is a lie and we commonly begin questioning our family, childhood, experiences, beliefs, feelings. We need to work through all of this to get to a better place.
In addition to the above, it is common to then begin analyzing ourselves in this new light. Our lives, our belief systems, our relationships … everything may seem to have been upended in a heartbeat. Turn to supports now more than ever.
With your trusted resource(s) of choice, it is beneficial to talk about your feelings. Get them out in the open in a safe environment and work on processing them. Be patient with yourself. This step takes time. (Keep in mind that Complex PTSD and/or other mental health issues may also be realities that you need to either rule out or get help for) The fog will lift and clarity will take its place. We need to believe in ourselves, our abilities and our hope for the future.
If you are not well-versed on narcissism, it never hurts to educate yourself about the traits and behaviour so that you can see this person as they are and understand what is behind their actions and words. As I always say, these are weak people with fragile egos that they spend most of their time protecting, often at the expense of the people around them as they attempt to control everything and everyone in their lives.
I strongly recommend online support groups as a resource to lean on for support. Whether you post or comment or simply read the words of others, you will know that you are not alone and this can be of great comfort. People in these groups are at various stages of their recovery, but above all else, they know what you’re experiencing because they are going through or have been through similar experiences.
As ACON’s, we need to give ourselves credit for what we have survived and the steps we will continue to take to keep ourselves strong and whole with this new reality in mind. We have endured incredibly difficult situations within our family of origin (FOO) but we are still standing. If this isn’t a testament to our great strength, I don’t know what is. Try looking at this as the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new and wonderful chapter on your journey. The best is yet to come and we will find that peace and happiness that has been so elusive in the past. This is a time of awakening and awareness that can help us to thrive if we are willing to take that step for ourselves. We are worth it!!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter