As a child of a narcissist parent, it can be all the more devastating to witness the other parent behaving in an enabling fashion. It can create painful feelings of betrayal, loss, loneliness, fear, shame and disappointment that never completely dissipate. The enabler will more often than not take the side of the narcissist at all costs, even assuming the role of a flying monkey when required. For a child in this situation, it can feel as though there is no one on their side and nowhere safe to turn, unless they have the good fortune of other non-narcissist/non-enabling adults in their life (grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings, etc.).
The main reasons that a parent may become an enabler to their narcissistic partner are a) they are completely oblivious with regard to narcissism and that they are involved with a narcissist (they often operate with a blind loyalty to their partner); b) whether or not they are aware of narcissism and that their partner is a narcissist, their life is less challenging when they go along with them.
To go into those reasons more deeply, many people have heard the terms ‘narcissism’ and ‘narcissist’ but they don’t truly understand what it means. As a result, they will remain unaware of the dysfunctional web in which they exist. There’s also a very high likelihood that the enabling parent grew up in a narcissistic family and were then drawn to narcissists as adults because of the feeling of familiarity within that form of dysfunction and abuse.
On the second point, there is no doubt that going along with and even catering to a narcissistic partner, often against one’s own children, is the path of least resistance for an enabling parent. The partner recognizes that both they and their children need to revolve around the narcissist in an attempt to pacify them and hopefully bring some relief from the abusive environment. The thinking is that maybe if we all just do what the narcissist wants, life will be more tolerable, even temporarily. However, if the non-narcissistic parent does not go along with the narcissist in every way, even so far as scapegoating one of their own children, they will become the target of their partner’s wrath. In some ways, it’s an “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em’ mentality that permeates this relationship and family dynamic.
There’s no doubt that the enabling parent is in a challenging position and that they will regularly suffer abuse and punishment (silent treatment, berating, shaming, false accusations, sometimes physical violence and so on), subtle and/or direct, at the hands of their narcissistic partner if they choose not to comply as an enabler (aware or unaware, this is what it comes down to). Narcissism is literally an ongoing cycle of victimization which typically travels down through generations. However, this does not negate the fact that, as an adult, they have choices. They can make their opinions known regarding the scapegoating of their child and the likely golden child routine if there are other children and then do their best to enforce compliance in this regard. They can ‘stand up’ for their child/children. They also have the option of ending the relationship with the narcissist, although, unfortunately, this can at times leave children in the care of said narcissist without the buffer of the other parent when it comes to shared custody arrangements. There are ways to lessen the negative effects of this type of situation but I won’t go into them today.
The bottom line is that enablers are ruled by fear and will resort to disordered behaviour, even towards their own children, in an effort to avoid issues with their partner. Is this weak? Probably. However, these people, as mentioned above, have likely lived through a narcissistic childhood themselves, which has led them to the pattern of ending up with other narcissists in adulthood. They don’t know anything else but being abused and controlled. Their skewed, lifelong belief system encourages them to accept that this type of family system is ‘normal’. Unless their level of awareness is somehow raised when it comes to narcissistic family dynamics, they are more likely than not to continue with the status quo. This certainly doesn’t excuse them from accountability or responsibility; however, it does offer a probable explanation for their behaviour.
The sad reality of the family members of a narcissist is that everyone, regardless of whether they understand the dynamics or not, lives a life of walking on egg shells, enduring abusive behaviour, and doing their best to avoid being targeted by the narcissist. It’s a no-win situation and one that causes great strain and damage, especially for children. And from this dysfunction is often born more dysfunctional patterns as people carry on from a narcissistic childhood to be drawn to partners, friends, etc. who tend to have narcissistic tendencies.
How does this ever get better, you may be asking yourself. Obviously, narcissism has been around for as long as human beings have existed. This is a long-standing issue. Awareness is the key. Social education on narcissism is crucial in order to allow people to recognize and make informed decisions on toxic people in their lives and then take steps to mitigate the damage to themselves and possibly help others in the process. It’s highly unlikely for a narcissistic person to change, but everyone around them has the option to make changes, big or small, in an effort to improve the quality of their lives. There’s no hard and fast rule to follow because everyone’s situation is unique; however, no one is required to forever suffer at the hands of a narcissist. Awareness and education on narcissism, together with support systems and professional assistance for people who have been damaged, can bring about hope and positive change.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
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