My university courses are keeping me quite busy these days and yet the ideas for blog posts continue to flow. So, here we go!
One of the things that commonly holds people in a toxic romantic relationship is fear of change and of being alone. Many hold on to their current situation because they believe that starting over would be worse. Others may seek out new partners prior to leaving, in an effort to have a new relationship to run to, which generally won’t end well because we aren’t in the right place to make it work. That’s not fair to us or the new person we’ve escaped to.
Starting a new chapter can be an amazing opportunity, particularly when the last chapter involved abuse. And a new chapter started independently can be beneficial as well. Being on our own allows us to get to know ourselves, possibly in ways we had never experienced in the past. Once we get to know ourselves and grow into that knowledge, we will often find that there were patterns in our lives that led us down certain paths, some of which were undoubtedly not healthy for us. Time on our own can help us to build self-esteem and the clarity to spot red flags with new people who come into our lives so that we always have the tools to stand strong, put up boundaries, and protect ourselves from future harm.
An especially important part of leaving and then healing from any toxic relationship is a support system. However, many of us who have grown up in a dysfunctional family have learned that expressing emotions is not acceptable and we will often have been met with diminishing comments about how weak we are for having feelings, or maybe a flat-out refusal to even acknowledge that we are in a difficult emotional space. There’s also a good chance of being blamed for our situation, which is ironic, given that our choice of partners is typically a result of dysfunctional family experiences and belief systems handed down to us regarding the treatment we’re expected to accept from loved ones. If we’re allowed to speak of our troubles, we might also be ridiculed or have our experiences spewed out to any number of other people in the form of gossip. So the focus should be on finding a support system that we can lean on and trust. Maybe that’s an anonymous online forum or support group, a counsellor or coach, a trusted friend or family member; whoever it may be, it’s always beneficial to get our feelings out so that we can gain perspective and strength and begin healing. In the event that we aren’t yet ready to say any of it out loud or we haven’t yet found a safe space in which to do so, journaling can be helpful. Even if our feelings get written down and then we shred or burn the pages afterwards, the benefit comes from having expressed ourselves. Picture it as a form of release of negativity and hurt, helping us move forward.
Don’t be afraid of new chapters or going solo. Yes, it’s unnerving; the unknown can cause us to feel immense worry and concern. But just know that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. At the risk of sounding like a broken record from previous posts, make self-love and self-care priorities in your life. Find the courage to push forward to something better. We’re always stronger than we may give ourselves credit for. Find your support system in whatever form you feel safe with. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that new opportunities are around every corner. Eventually, you will find yourself in a better place, even if you need to fake it ’til you make it. Just don’t be deterred by fear of change or being on your own. As the saying goes, when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. Perspective is an amazing tool when we choose to utilize it.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
The realization of the fact that you’ve been experiencing narcissistic abuse is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, your eyes have been opened and you are now aware, which offers you the opportunity to make well-informed choices for yourself. On the other hand, this awareness often brings with it feelings of anger, regret, sadness, shame, isolation, confusion and so on. It basically takes your emotions on a whirlwind roller coaster ride.
My advice is to allow yourself to fully feel the array of emotions. They will be intense and sometimes overwhelming but you need to feel them in order to move on to processing them. Cry, scream, punch a pillow, etc. If you feel the need to talk with someone about your journey, do your best to turn to someone you know you can trust. This could be a family member, friend, support system such as Natural Clarity Coaching, or a counsellor/therapist. It’s not advisable to share your feelings with your abuser because that will simply open more doors for them to continue abusing you and playing mind games. Clarity is incredibly important at this time, so not allowing the narcissist to muddy the waters is beneficial. Yes, you’ll want to tell them that you’ve figured them out and that you’re incredibly hurt and upset. Just remember that these are people who lack empathy and compassion; they will never sincerely take accountability for their actions let alone offer up an apology or anything else that might make you feel less damaged. Plus, their goal is to continue to control you and carry on with your focus being on them, so keeping your feelings quiet from this person is usually the best policy. Find whatever trustworthy and helpful support systems you can while you’re moving through this part of the journey. Of course, if you prefer to do this solo, by all means, do. Whatever works for you. If you want to but can’t find anyone (or even if you can but could use more connections), online support groups can be incredibly helpful. There is something comforting and empowering about being able to read posts, write posts or comments if you want, involving people who have been or are currently in a similar place as you in a relationship with a narcissist (parent, partner, friend, etc.), It helps with gaining insight, feeling understood without having to explain yourself, seeing all of the parallels in the narcissists’ behaviours, and gaining strength in the knowledge that you didn’t cause this situation. In fact, many people begin to see that most narcissists seem to operate by the same play book! Sad but true.
The fork in your journey’s path
When you’re with the narcissist or by yourself in these early days of awareness, bring in calming and self-soothing practices such as deep breathing, mindfulness (being present in the moment without judgment), engaging in hobbies, getting out into nature, exercising, to name a few. Try to keep your mind from ruminating and replaying all of the negativity. That will just drag you into a potential state of depression and/or anxiety. And it’s okay to feel anger towards the narcissist but advisable to keep it under wraps. Now is the time to engage in self-care in order to keep yourself strong on all levels. Educate yourself on narcissism and how it has impacted you. Put some time into getting back in touch with yourself, your needs, your hopes and dreams. Focus on the future and what and who YOU want in your life from now on. You have arrived at a fork in your journey’s path and you have options from which to choose. Make plans for how you will deal with your new view of the relationship in question. Yes, there will no doubt be days that it all seems like too much and you might feel utter sadness and loss. You might even try to convince yourself that you’re wrong about this person and that you should give them a second chance. That’s perfectly ‘normal’.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, a great gauge for relationships is honestly taking a close look at how you truly feel when you’re around someone. Does the way they treat you make you feel good about yourself? Do you enjoy spending time with them? Do you feel cared for and important? Or does their behaviour make you feel unloved, unappreciated, and generally less-than? Is there often an air of condescension and disdain from this person when you interact with them? Do you regularly feel fearful in their presence, like you’re walking on eggshells, or worried that they could abandon you at any moment? Do you feel manipulated, controlled and/or under attack and as though you’re always making them upset and/or angry? Asking yourself these questions and answering them with 100 percent honesty can be a great reality check, especially if you have recently wondered if or decided that someone in your life is abusive towards you.
In summary, here are possible steps (in their simplest form) towards recovery:
Let the information about the narcissist and abuse sink in. Take all the time you need. It is typically shocking and life-altering when this revelation takes place.
Allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that come along with this realization, regardless of how difficult it may be. Do your best to not skip this step. It may seem too intense or as though you can just stuff everything down, but it doesn’t work that way. Feel them, because whether they make you angry, sad, confused, empty, or anything in between, you need to feel them. This is an integral part of the process.
While you are working on Step #2, do some research on narcissism and narcissistic abuse. You will likely discover that narcissists are disordered, dysfunctional people (most of whom have been hurt by other narcissists) who spend every waking moment trying to protect their fragile egos. If you happened to get caught up in their vortex, just know that their behaviour had nothing to do with you. You are not to blame. They are on auto-pilot in their lives, seeking to constantly fill a never-ending void (supply of attention from others) and to placate and dull their underlying feelings of weakness, neediness, low self-esteem and dysfunction. They typically demonstrate the same cycle of behaviours in most of their relationships. When you realize that, despite all the narcissist’s complaints and projections directed at you, their problems and issues are not your fault, you aren’t defective or to blame for everything that goes wrong in their life, you are deserving of kindness, respect and caring, then you will learn to expect so much more for yourself and not be willing to accept sub-par treatment.
Begin to process your emotions. You’ve taken the opportunity to feel them, and now it’s time to look at them from a more practical standpoint. Sometimes it helps to do this with a therapist or within a safe support system. But if you feel that you want to start out on your own with it, give it a try. Don’t expect this stage to be a quick one, though. The gamut of emotions has likely been run throughout your relationship with this person so there will be a lot to sort through and try to make sense of. You may even question everything you felt or believed in the past. You may need to revisit many different memories and experiences in order to look at them from a new point of view. That’s okay. In time, your mind and heart will put it all together in such a way that you can move forward more easily. For now, show yourself patience, understanding and love. You’ve been through a very difficult experience and you need to feel compassion for yourself. Whatever you do, don’t skip this step.(#4). When we leave emotions and challenging experiences unprocessed, they don’t just go away. They will interfere with our everyday lives and new relationships and friendships, sometimes in ways that the connection to your past experiences isn’t even on the radar. They will pop up at times when you least expect them, sometimes in the oddest of ways. But have no doubt, they’ll be there until you deal with them once and for all. Imagery can help here. A good exercise is to face the memories/thoughts/feelings head-on. Picture each of them as being on a sheet of paper. Be honest with yourself about how you felt at that particular time and how you feel now. You could even write everything down and then burn the papers later, or work through it out loud with a trusted support person. And then, when you feel ready, imagine placing that sheet of ‘memory’ paper into a file folder marked ‘Closed’, which then goes into a filing cabinet or even a bonfire. Whatever works for you, give it a try. EMDR and Brainspotting are also very helpful for processing difficult emotions and thoughts. Find a qualified practitioner if this interests you.
Start making plans for your future that include your hopes and dreams. It’s finally your time to fully take care of yourself and begin to look forward to what lies ahead on your journey. And now that your awareness of narcissism has grown, you will be much less likely to fall prey to a narcissist in the future.
Some of the more popular self-talk phrases have become somewhat cliched; nonetheless, they are still beneficial when it comes to talking to ourselves with positivity and encouragement. Belief in oneself is necessary for success. Unless or until we truly have faith in our abilities and positive traits, we can’t fully reach our goals and celebrate our accomplishments.
Many of us struggle with negative self-talk, a pattern we more than likely developed from a dysfunctional upbringing and/or experiences with narcissistic friends, teachers, colleagues or partners. When negativity and criticism are regularly tossed our way, it can become a challenge not to internalize it and have it become a part of how we see ourselves. But it doesn’t need to be this way.
Just as we fell into the pattern of choosing negative self-talk, we can do the same in the opposite direction. Even if you’ve had the great misfortune of never receiving a compliment from people you care about (generally happens with narcissists who always need to feel that they are the ‘best’ at the expense of everyone around them), you have the power to look at yourself from an encouraging, positive and kind standpoint. From that standpoint, try giving yourself credit for your unique talents, skills, accomplishments, personality traits and so on. Really own it. Flip the negativity on its head and focus on the positive. It’s free, simple and can change your entire outlook on yourself and the world around you. Perspective is a tool that is always at your disposal and you have the power to alter it at any given moment. Looking up at the possibilities rather than down on yourself is empowering and can have dramatic effects.
Making positive self-talk a daily habit is undoubtedly beneficial on a variety of levels. And sharing that positivity with others through compliments, encouragement and kindness will also bring with it even more positive feelings. So, cliched and simplistic as it may sound, believe in yourself, be kind to yourself and others, take care of yourself. Live your best life.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
