Many of us are natural caregivers. We enjoy looking after others (people, animals, etc.), and that’s a great and admirable trait. But one thing that can be forgotten is to give ourselves the same care and love that we so willingly give to the world around us.
When we are low on our list of priorities (or absent from the list altogether), over time, it can leave us feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, depressed, anxious or possibly unbalanced and unwell on a mental and/or physical level. Eventually, we can end up unable to look after anyone else, let alone ourselves.
Prioritizing time for self-care is essential, whether or not we are caregivers. We need to nurture ourselves holistically in every area – physical, emotional, social, spiritual and mental. Whether it’s meditation, mindfulness, therapy, exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, relaxing in a warm bath, massage therapy, spending time in nature, listening to music, and so on, every act of self-care makes a difference in our lives. It helps us to recharge, energize, clear our minds, reconnect with people, nourish and keep our bodies well, to name just a few, and feeling good further encourages the healthy cycle of self-care.
When we take care of ourselves (it’s not selfish, it’s necessary), we are helping to ensure that our holistic health and wellness is prioritized, strengthened and maintained. That way, we can enjoy our lives and continue to care for others who are important to us and help them to enjoy their lives as well.
In situations where we are in a toxic environment, such as with a narcissist or other negative individual, prioritizing ourselves can be challenging, but it is all the more important to engage in self-care so that we can withstand the toxicity without allowing it to harm us.
Prioritizing ourselves is a matter of health and wellness. No matter how small the act of self-care, it can make a positive difference. Take care of yourselves every day, my friends!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
The realization of the fact that you’ve been experiencing narcissistic abuse is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, your eyes have been opened and you are now aware, which offers you the opportunity to make well-informed choices for yourself. On the other hand, this awareness often brings with it feelings of anger, regret, sadness, shame, isolation, confusion and so on. It basically takes your emotions on a whirlwind roller coaster ride.
My advice is to allow yourself to fully feel the array of emotions. They will be intense and sometimes overwhelming but you need to feel them in order to move on to processing them. Cry, scream, punch a pillow, etc. If you feel the need to talk with someone about your journey, do your best to turn to someone you know you can trust. This could be a family member, friend, support system such as Natural Clarity Coaching, or a counsellor/therapist. It’s not advisable to share your feelings with your abuser because that will simply open more doors for them to continue abusing you and playing mind games. Clarity is incredibly important at this time, so not allowing the narcissist to muddy the waters is beneficial. Yes, you’ll want to tell them that you’ve figured them out and that you’re incredibly hurt and upset. Just remember that these are people who lack empathy and compassion; they will never sincerely take accountability for their actions let alone offer up an apology or anything else that might make you feel less damaged. Plus, their goal is to continue to control you and carry on with your focus being on them, so keeping your feelings quiet from this person is usually the best policy. Find whatever trustworthy and helpful support systems you can while you’re moving through this part of the journey. Of course, if you prefer to do this solo, by all means, do. Whatever works for you. If you want to but can’t find anyone (or even if you can but could use more connections), online support groups can be incredibly helpful. There is something comforting and empowering about being able to read posts, write posts or comments if you want, involving people who have been or are currently in a similar place as you in a relationship with a narcissist (parent, partner, friend, etc.), It helps with gaining insight, feeling understood without having to explain yourself, seeing all of the parallels in the narcissists’ behaviours, and gaining strength in the knowledge that you didn’t cause this situation. In fact, many people begin to see that most narcissists seem to operate by the same play book! Sad but true.
The fork in your journey’s path
When you’re with the narcissist or by yourself in these early days of awareness, bring in calming and self-soothing practices such as deep breathing, mindfulness (being present in the moment without judgment), engaging in hobbies, getting out into nature, exercising, to name a few. Try to keep your mind from ruminating and replaying all of the negativity. That will just drag you into a potential state of depression and/or anxiety. And it’s okay to feel anger towards the narcissist but advisable to keep it under wraps. Now is the time to engage in self-care in order to keep yourself strong on all levels. Educate yourself on narcissism and how it has impacted you. Put some time into getting back in touch with yourself, your needs, your hopes and dreams. Focus on the future and what and who YOU want in your life from now on. You have arrived at a fork in your journey’s path and you have options from which to choose. Make plans for how you will deal with your new view of the relationship in question. Yes, there will no doubt be days that it all seems like too much and you might feel utter sadness and loss. You might even try to convince yourself that you’re wrong about this person and that you should give them a second chance. That’s perfectly ‘normal’.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, a great gauge for relationships is honestly taking a close look at how you truly feel when you’re around someone. Does the way they treat you make you feel good about yourself? Do you enjoy spending time with them? Do you feel cared for and important? Or does their behaviour make you feel unloved, unappreciated, and generally less-than? Is there often an air of condescension and disdain from this person when you interact with them? Do you regularly feel fearful in their presence, like you’re walking on eggshells, or worried that they could abandon you at any moment? Do you feel manipulated, controlled and/or under attack and as though you’re always making them upset and/or angry? Asking yourself these questions and answering them with 100 percent honesty can be a great reality check, especially if you have recently wondered if or decided that someone in your life is abusive towards you.
In summary, here are possible steps (in their simplest form) towards recovery:
Let the information about the narcissist and abuse sink in. Take all the time you need. It is typically shocking and life-altering when this revelation takes place.
Allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that come along with this realization, regardless of how difficult it may be. Do your best to not skip this step. It may seem too intense or as though you can just stuff everything down, but it doesn’t work that way. Feel them, because whether they make you angry, sad, confused, empty, or anything in between, you need to feel them. This is an integral part of the process.
While you are working on Step #2, do some research on narcissism and narcissistic abuse. You will likely discover that narcissists are disordered, dysfunctional people (most of whom have been hurt by other narcissists) who spend every waking moment trying to protect their fragile egos. If you happened to get caught up in their vortex, just know that their behaviour had nothing to do with you. You are not to blame. They are on auto-pilot in their lives, seeking to constantly fill a never-ending void (supply of attention from others) and to placate and dull their underlying feelings of weakness, neediness, low self-esteem and dysfunction. They typically demonstrate the same cycle of behaviours in most of their relationships. When you realize that, despite all the narcissist’s complaints and projections directed at you, their problems and issues are not your fault, you aren’t defective or to blame for everything that goes wrong in their life, you are deserving of kindness, respect and caring, then you will learn to expect so much more for yourself and not be willing to accept sub-par treatment.
Begin to process your emotions. You’ve taken the opportunity to feel them, and now it’s time to look at them from a more practical standpoint. Sometimes it helps to do this with a therapist or within a safe support system. But if you feel that you want to start out on your own with it, give it a try. Don’t expect this stage to be a quick one, though. The gamut of emotions has likely been run throughout your relationship with this person so there will be a lot to sort through and try to make sense of. You may even question everything you felt or believed in the past. You may need to revisit many different memories and experiences in order to look at them from a new point of view. That’s okay. In time, your mind and heart will put it all together in such a way that you can move forward more easily. For now, show yourself patience, understanding and love. You’ve been through a very difficult experience and you need to feel compassion for yourself. Whatever you do, don’t skip this step.(#4). When we leave emotions and challenging experiences unprocessed, they don’t just go away. They will interfere with our everyday lives and new relationships and friendships, sometimes in ways that the connection to your past experiences isn’t even on the radar. They will pop up at times when you least expect them, sometimes in the oddest of ways. But have no doubt, they’ll be there until you deal with them once and for all. Imagery can help here. A good exercise is to face the memories/thoughts/feelings head-on. Picture each of them as being on a sheet of paper. Be honest with yourself about how you felt at that particular time and how you feel now. You could even write everything down and then burn the papers later, or work through it out loud with a trusted support person. And then, when you feel ready, imagine placing that sheet of ‘memory’ paper into a file folder marked ‘Closed’, which then goes into a filing cabinet or even a bonfire. Whatever works for you, give it a try. EMDR and Brainspotting are also very helpful for processing difficult emotions and thoughts. Find a qualified practitioner if this interests you.
Start making plans for your future that include your hopes and dreams. It’s finally your time to fully take care of yourself and begin to look forward to what lies ahead on your journey. And now that your awareness of narcissism has grown, you will be much less likely to fall prey to a narcissist in the future.
The bottom line when it comes to negative, unpleasant people is that you have no obligation to have them in your life. From romantic partners to family members to friends to coworkers and everyone in between, no one has an obligation to accept and endure toxic behaviour.
I’ve said this in past posts but it deserves repeating – focus on how you ‘feel’ when in the presence of a negative (potentially narcissistic) individual. How do you feel on every level (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual)? If being in the same room with someone makes you feel anxious, depressed, fearful, worried, bad about yourself (one or all of the above), it might be beneficial for you to assess your relationship with them.
Try spending time with other people whose very presence makes you feel peaceful, positive, cared for, etc. because they foster those environments and feelings, and you will notice the massive differences as compared to interacting with a toxic person. Life can be happier, more peaceful and rewarding when we interact with positive people.
What can we do if we can’t find new functional friends or spend time with these sorts of positive people right now, particularly because of COVID? It’s always a good thing to learn to be content and happy by yourself. Hobbies, activities you enjoy, relaxing … whatever it may be, you can be your own happy place. In the end, we are the only ones who can make ourselves truly happy. That isn’t something anyone else can do for us.
So, call that fun relative or friend, hang out in an online forum with others who have common interests, or spend some quality time on your own. But try to avoid believing that you have any responsibility or obligation to allow negative (especially narcissistic), unpleasant, hurtful people to be a part of your existence.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
One of the most difficult situations I encountered after making the decision to leave my alcoholic and narcissistic spouse was finding my way out. We shared children, a home, vehicles and other assets, debts and several years of marriage. All of it felt incredibly overwhelming, and my fears and feelings ran the gamut from financial (many issues on this level, which left me feeling stuck) to emotional. The people in my life who knew about it at that time chose to ignore it – read that as my ‘narcissist of origin’ enjoyed watching me struggle. Others had no idea what I was dealing with because shame and fear kept me from disclosing the situation.
At a complete loss and feeling very fragile, I reached out to a local women’s shelter and thankfully found people willing to support me through the process of leaving an abusive partner. I was placed with an amazing social worker with the shelter who provided counselling without any fees (of note, CAMH is another organization that offers free-of-charge counselling – I spent a bit of time with them as well – and some private counselling services do have subsidized sessions based on income), helped me create a safe exit plan which could involve law enforcement if necessary, and made sure that every available resource was discussed. I can’t speak for all shelters but this particular one, whether you actually stayed there or just needed help from the outside, offered funds to pay for moving expenses (and help with the actual move) and initial rent and utility set-up bills as well as readying a home with some furnishings, groceries and other essential needs. If you require assistance and have no idea where to turn, don’t be afraid to contact a local shelter or other social service agency and ask what they might be able to help you with. There are so many people out there who are ready and willing to help.
I also attended a free legal resource centre in order to discuss with a lawyer my rights, obligations and creation of a separation agreement. In addition, a few months after leaving, I took the step to file the agreement, which had been signed by both my spouse and I in front of a witness, with the courts and then FRO (Financial Responsibility Office in Ontario) in order to ensure that child support payments would be made, which helped in the avoidance of struggles over it with my ex-spouse. Unfortunately, off the start, the child support was used as a tool to further abuse me both financially and emotionally. There were threats of it not being paid at all, or messages about delays in payment because his needs should come first, etc., which is why I took the step of filing the necessary documents and setting everything up with FRO. I refused to be further abused by or in regular contact with this person so I did my research and found yet another resource to facilitate my transition to freedom. Again, the resources are there but it’s often necessary to conduct research and then advocate for yourself to get where you need to be.
This is only a brief version of the steps I took in leaving. My goal in writing about it is to help with awareness that no one is alone when they choose to leave a narcissistic partner or family member. There are supportive resources available on many levels to aid individuals through the difficult transition of escaping from an abuser.
My advice is to not allow a lack of funds to hold you somewhere that you have chosen not to be. Reach out to friends, family, organizations – anyone you feel safe to discuss the situation with. They can help you and provide needed supports to move forward to a better, safer and more peaceful and healthy life.
Trust me – I know how grim and hopeless it feels when you have been abused by a narcissistic partner or family member, you have made the decision to end the relationship, and then you have no idea where to turn or what to do next. You’re likely already in a place of severe physical and mental exhaustion and possibly struggling with anxiety and depression as well as fear of retaliation, not to mention worrying about a major life change. Putting one foot in front of the other can feel like a significant challenge, let alone making plans and finding the means – financial, emotional, etc. – to leave and start over. My experience is that once I found support and began to feel an inkling of hope, momentum, strength and courage slowly but surely built up from there. Creating a safe plan of action and goals with my social worker gave me something to work towards. Even though I went though most of the initial part of the transition in somewhat of a fog and doing most of it on auto-pilot, I knew deep inside, despite my fears and apprehension, that a better life awaited my children and I. Turns out I was right. It didn’t happen overnight and the challenges obviously did not end immediately upon me leaving my spouse, but in time everything began to improve and my life changed in ways I had never imagined possible.
I created Natural Clarity Coaching to be an affordable support system, particularly for anyone dealing with narcissistic abuse and recovery, regardless of what stage of it they may be in. My fees are also on a sliding scale based on income (on the honor system – no need to divulge your financials). If you would like to know more, please don’t hesitate to contact me at na********************@***il.com. Initial consultations are free of charge, completely confidential and without any obligation. You don’t need to stay in an abusive situation because you believe there is nowhere to go, potentially a lack of funds to get you there, and no one to assist you, and it isn’t necessary to experience the processes of deciding to leave, leaving or recovery, without support. Reach out for whatever resources you need in order to get yourself to a better place and to further grow and thrive once you’re there.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
One of the regular themes in my posts is to listen to your gut/intuition. Another one that is of importance for everybody, but particularly if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, is to listen to your body. Both of these things aim to keep us safe and healthy.
Stress doesn’t just take a toll within our minds in the form of depression, anxiety and other mental wellness symptoms; it also manifests itself in our bodies in negative ways. High blood pressure, stomach problems, headaches/migraines, muscle armoring, and the list goes on. Our minds, emotions and bodies are intricately connected; when one part is suffering, it seeps into the other parts.
Our bodies are always communicating to us about physical issues. The key is to listen and try to make positive changes that will lend themselves to healing and stability. For instance, when I recognized that my mind, soul and body were suffering from a relationship with one of the narcissists in my life (who I didn’t realize was a narcissist at the time) several years ago, I made the difficult decision to break ties with them. (And I’ve done it more than once since then.) In all honesty, I had begun to feel as though I was ‘losing my mind’, that my emotions were on a constant roller coaster ride, and that my body was literally breaking down more every day. I was in rough shape and at a point where I was terrified about what might happen to me if I didn’t take action. Stress from narcissistic abuse was constantly eating away at me from the inside. I was quickly slipping into a space that was anything but beneficial for me. The fear of becoming seriously ill eventually outweighed everything else.
Once I disconnected and found increasing amounts of peace, everything began turning around. I felt better on all levels. This all came about with a lot of therapy, introspection, mindfulness and hard work but it was much easier to do when clarity began to return to my mind because I wasn’t always operating in survival mode. Then self-care began to grow as a priority and the physical symptoms of stress from abuse began to wane. There’s no doubt in my mind that I saved my own life from losing years by listening to my intuition and body and then making choices that led the way to healing myself holistically.
It’s crucial to ‘hear’ the messages from your body, both good and bad. Our bodies are on a constant mission to maintain homeostasis (balance) but when they become overwhelmed, they let us know, through subtle signs to start – depending on the individual, for example, an ache here, a rash there, elevated blood pressure daily headaches, etc. – followed by increasingly obvious and gradually more severe symptoms and unavoidable signals that change is needed in order to remedy the situation.
The overall message is that making regular self-care a priority is incredibly important for all of us human beings, and always being open to listening to your body’s messages will help to ensure your continued wellbeing. Just like following your intuition is typically a good habit, hearing what your body is telling you is equally as vital to your overall health.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
