Why am I the scapegoat in my family? Many of us ask ourselves this question on an ongoing basis. And while there are not usually black and white explanations for ending up in this role, there are some common possibilities.
We may be the scapegoat simply because our narcissistic parent needed one and chose us. Scapegoats may also be chosen due to things beyond their control, such as gender, birth order, appearance, personality, intelligence, or any other characteristic. Why? Because narcissists are easily intimidated and want to reduce threats to their fragile egos. We may be chosen as scapegoat simply because the narcissist feels threatened by us. Or we may remind them of something they dislike about themselves (not something they’d admit out loud, of course), or something they like about themselves and want to continue to feel that they’re superior. The goal is to keep the scapegoat held down so that they can’t outshine anyone.
So, the best answer to the question at play here is that there is no way of knowing exactly why we’re chosen as scapegoats. But one thing is for certain; whatever the reason is, it has absolutely nothing to do with us. Scapegoats are targeted by toxic people because we’re perceived as a threat. Maybe it’s about looks or accomplishments or athleticism or intelligence or…or…or…and the list goes on. But that’s not our problem. That’s their issue.
Shine, people! Don’t ever believe that you’re flawed, or not good enough, or that you’ve done something to deserve the scapegoat role you’ve been given within your family of origin. It literally has nothing to do with you. So be you, live your life to its fullest, and don’t ever dim your light for anyone.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
This is a situation I knew of many years ago. And it’s a cautionary tale for anyone who has children who will be interacting with an individual who is a potentially narcissistic grandparent to their children.
This particular individual (I’ll call her Darleen) set out to ‘steal’ her first grandchild in the child’s earliest days. She started out by convincing her daughter-in-law (I’ll call her Rachel) that her milk supplies were insufficient for the baby for breastfeeding (this was never corroborated by a doctor) and that bottle-feeding formula would be the best option. Sadly, trusting in Darleen, Rachel was quickly convinced of this narrative and went along with it. Darleen saw this as a way that the child could easily be fed while alone with her, making Rachel less necessary in her mind. When the child developed an ear infection, Darleen convinced Rachel to leave the child with her until such time as they were well again, which turned into many weeks. And so it all began.
Not long after, Darleen began to launch a quiet campaign to split up her son, let’s call him Larry, and Rachel’s marriage in an effort to not only keep control of her son but to lessen her daughter-in-law’s influence and involvement in her own child’s life. This wasn’t too difficult of a task because Larry, who alternated between being abused by his mother and also acting like a narcissist himself, was already having an affair with a coworker. At the urging of Darleen, Larry ultimately set out to regularly confuse and manipulate Rachel and then told her he no longer loved her, which, not surprisingly, took her to the point that she was considering taking her own life. At that stage, he had her involuntarily taken to the psychiatric ward of the local hospital “for her own safety and the safety of the child”. While she was recovering in the hospital, he and his mother, together with their lawyer, applied for and had custody of his child given solely to him (read that as essentially Darleen brought the child to live with her because Rachel’s family lived a distance away). Upon the wife’s release, she had to hire a lawyer and enter into a battle to prove that she was stable in order to obtain joint custody of her daughter, and then eventually went through a brutal divorce that left her bankrupt due to some corrupt dealings of Larry’s that she was completely unaware of.
As this child grew up with Darleen as the center of her universe, they were very susceptible to the negative messaging that Darleen constantly conveyed to them about their parents. Darleen, as a narcissist who loves to have minions to worship them, wanted to put up walls between her grandchild and their own parents. And, sadly, she was quite successful in doing so. The child had ongoing battles with both parents (and future stepparents) that led to depression, anxiety, lack of identity, confusion, dropping out of school at 16 and never finishing her education, and so on. This child’s own grandmother, in attempting to be in control and ensure that the child idolized her, did nothing but create chaos and pain in the life of her grandchild. And, believe it or not, Darleen, wanting to keep control of her daughter-in-law as well as maintain a flow of information from her about the child, in addition to ensuring continued access to her grandchild, managed to convince her that all of the suffering with the custody battle and divorce was solely caused by her son, even speaking ill of him often to make it seem more likely. In doing so, Rachel still believed Darleen to be her friend and support system years after the divorce, and she therefore continued to allow her child to spend massive amounts of time alone with Darleen. This way, Darleen could continue to control and have access to both her grandchild and ex-daughter-in-law, all while looking like a saint. Rachel was eventually clued in to Darleen’s real persona and broke ties with her, but not before years of damage had been done.
Years later, Darleen attempted to ‘steal’ the child that her son and his second wife had together as well. Fortunately, the mother was aware of what was happening and took steps to protect the child. So then, as before, the grandmother set out to manipulate her son and, once again, hoped to cause her son’s marriage to implode so that she could continue to control him and also have an opportunity to lock in another minion with her newest grandchild. However, the daughter-in-law recognized what was happening and was able to fend off those attempts as well. Eventually, narcissistic grandma gave up and put all of her energy back into her first grandchild. Believe it or not, these are just a few of the things this woman has done over the years.
And, yes, as extreme as this all sounds, every bit of this story is factual. Narcissists will go to great lengths to manipulate people, including their own family members, in order to get their way. And they believe that the damage their actions create, even involving those they claim to love, is simply a necessary step in their overall plan (aka need to control and be worshiped to feed their fragile ego) and they feel no empathy or accountability for any of it.
So, if you have children and they will be involved with a family member that you believe may be narcissistic, consider taking steps to protect your child from the potential of being damaged by that person. In doing so, you will be sparing your child from the possibility of great harm and you will also be playing a part in ending or weakening the negative cycle of generational family narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Awareness and taking action when necessary are both key in these situations.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
For everyone who finds special occasions like today, Father’s Day, challenging for any reason, I get it. If special occasions also feel like walking on egg shells (or possibly landmines), I completely understand where you’re coming from. This can be particularly so when narcissists are in the picture.
If your family of origin involved narcissism, special occasions were likely incredibly challenging to deal with from early in your life and probably remained that way throughout your childhood and into adulthood. Maybe the narcissistically-inclined parent was your mom, or maybe your dad, or maybe both of your parents. Whoever it was, it’s highly likely that special occasions were often drama-filled, emotionally draining and confusing events during your childhood and possibly into adulthood.
When it comes to narcissists, they feel the need to always be the center of attention, even on special occasions that have nothing to do with them. They will cause drama, upheaval and emotional upset by whatever means necessary. Maybe they’re sulking because the day isn’t about them but they’re making it appear as though someone slighted them and caused the issue. Or maybe they’re starting arguments because they want to take the attention away from the special occasion. It’s possible that they will criticize the people who are trying to celebrate by saying that their efforts aren’t good enough or they’ve done everything wrong. Whatever it may be, narcissists very commonly ruin special occasions, all for the need to be the constant focus of the family. And that toxic, narcissistic energy often attaches to special occasions and can bring apprehension and anxiety to other family members year after year after year. What is Mom going to do to ruin everything this year? What will Dad say to upset everyone so that he can storm off and then be free to do something he’d rather be doing?
Rather than being happy and enjoyable celebrations, special occasions in narcissistic families are often the exact opposite. They are prone to being stressful, anxiety-provoking, emotionally taxing situations that come to be dreaded every year rather than looked forward to. The narcissist’s negativity permeates virtually every special day circled on the calendar, particularly if that day doesn’t happen to be all about them. And even if it is ‘their’ day (say, a birthday), they will regularly ruin those with complaints of the celebration not being lavish enough, or no one got them what they wanted as a gift, or someone else was getting more attention than them for five minutes, or they simply feel like sulking and keeping everyone guessing by not divulging what it’s all about, and so on. There is no winning when it comes to narcissists and special events.
So, is there any way to get through these times as unscathed as possible? In the event that you decide to make a call to your family or drop by for a visit, be emotionally and mentally prepared. Know your limits as to what you are and are not willing to discuss with them. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ or ‘that’s something I don’t wish to talk about’. Boundaries are important. If you are pushed and bullied to engage in a discussion that you are uncomfortable with, it’s fine to let your parent(s)/family members know that you need to end the conversation and politely say goodbye. If you are in-person and this situation arises, let them know that you’re leaving and be on your way. No apologies, no excuses, no justifications necessary. You have the right to protect yourself and your wellbeing. Don’t allow the guilt trips or aggressiveness to sway you to stay and possibly be verbally/emotionally abused or attacked.
Obviously being low contact or no contact with your family of origin is a sure way to keep yourself safe and avoid negativity and possible verbal/emotional attacks. If you do reach out to a narcissistic parent or an enabling parent on a day such as today and a phone call or visit is not on the table (only do what you feel comfortable doing), texting and/or emailing are always viable options for sending a message. It’s okay to let your parent know you’re thinking of them in a way that allows you to avoid being drawn into an emotional maze. Sometimes it comes down to what you feel you need to do (touch base with a parent even if it’s difficult, etc.) rather than what you believe anyone else expects from you. If you’re currently in therapy or self-directed recovery work from narcissistic abuse, there is no need to set yourself back by opening doors that need to be closed either temporarily or permanently. Do what you feel safe doing. Maybe reaching out simply isn’t an option for you today; that’s absolutely fine. This is your decision and there is no right or wrong here.
Another way to cope with special occasions fraught with confusion, emotional upheaval and frustration is to create new traditions on your own or with friends, a partner, children, etc. Start a new chapter with these celebrations and rewrite what they will look like for you. Do what you can to let go of the negative energy that has been attached to these dates (likely for years or decades) and make them whatever you want them to be.
Above all else, it’s helpful to keep in mind that narcissists are extremely similar to a tired, grouchy toddler who didn’t get their own way. This may involve sulking, tantrums, childish outbursts and more, but you need to consider the source. Narcissists are disordered individuals who are protecting and seeking to feed their fragile egos at all costs. Not being the center of attention is viewed as a loss from their perspective and they will react in the most immature ways, along with lashing out and attacking those they feel have slighted them by not having their focus on the narcissist at all times. When we can understand the dynamics at play with narcissists, it can make dealing with them much less challenging. Also, keeping our own emotions out of the mix is a beneficial action. Don’t take their behaviour personally and try not to allow them to ‘get a rise out of you’.
So, Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there! To everyone for whom this day and other special occasions are difficult, I wish you the best in getting through it with grace and strength. For everyone (ACONs – Adult Children of Narcissists) who grew up in a dysfunctional family headed by a narcissist (or narcissists), step up the self-care if necessary in order to stay strong and healthy, and only do what you feel comfortable with. Not everyone understands or could even begin to understand the dynamics of the relationships within your family of origin (FOO) and the narcissist(s) at the helm, so it’s best to take all of the well-meaning societal messages with a grain of salt. No one has the right to push you into contact with someone simply because that someone happens to be a parent or family member. Listen to your intuition and only do what is right foryou. Whatever feels right for you, trust it, embrace it and move forward with the knowledge that you’re doing your best and that’s all that matters.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
