For me personally, when I was married to a narcissist, I became sleep-deprived. First of all, he snored and rolled non-stop from the moment he fell asleep (which usually took less than 30 seconds) until he woke up. That was just how he was. Not much can be done about the way a person sleeps, except maybe anti-snore devices (which he, of course, refused to try). However, if he happened to wake up in the night, he would typically wake me up as well, quite intentionally, by touching me or speaking to me, and sometimes more than once. Then he’d fall right back to sleep again. Although I asked him not to do this, it continued (surprising, right?! ~sarcasm~) Here’s the picture – it would take me sometimes hours to fall asleep with all of the snoring and movement. My mind was also constantly in worry mode because of the ever-growing issues with my narcissistic and abusive husband, so it was difficult to shut it down and relax. If I was woken up, it would take the same length of time for me to get back to sleep again. Sometimes I would go and sleep on our very uncomfortable couch, but we had a cat who roamed all night and spent much of his time running across me, jumping here and there, and meowing. After all, I was in his territory at that point so I couldn’t expect much more (cats – what can you do?) Quite distracting, to say the least! So, sleep became very elusive. And the deprivation and its effects set in fairly soon. For me, it became life as usual but, looking back, it was truly debilitating and forced me into auto-pilot just to get through.
So, what was the collateral damage of sleep problems? Looking back to that time, this is what I recall experiencing:
Emotionally, my issues grew increasingly worse. Between lack of sleep and constantly being worried about everything (finances, etc.) and on edge and on guard from the abuse, I was a wreck. I began struggling with anxiety and depression, and my emotions would ping-pong all over the place. Happiness was a foreign concept. I was in fight, flight or fright mode 24/7. Muscle armoring was constant. Peace was not a word in my vocabulary.
Physically, my body was always fatigued and sore, I had almost constant headaches and migraines, my appetite went from not wanting to eat anything one day to eating much more than was healthy the next. That, in turn, influenced my weight in a yo-yo pattern. I was often shaky and clumsy from fatigue and blood sugar issues. There were so many more symptoms but I think you likely get the picture. Looking in the mirror, I could almost see myself ageing much faster than normal. I looked weary, unhealthy and hopeless. And I was so tired that I didn’t even have the energy to care. Self-care? What was that? I was spinning out of control and the functioning of my mind and body were diminishing almost daily.
Cognitively, my thinking was highly negatively impacted and brain fog set in. My thoughts were slow, confused, erratic, often illogical and irrational. Most days I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I would sometimes get to work and wonder how I had even dressed myself, after having checked to ensure that I was actually clothed.
It goes without saying that I was being heavily affected by both the narcissistic abuse and resulting issues, including sleep deprivation.
Lack of sleep causes all of the issues mentioned above and more. It also messes with your hormones and immune system, to name just two, which can create a further tumbling domino effect, some of which can include illness. Your brain and body need sufficient and restorative sleep in order to help you to function optimally. When you are constantly running on empty, it makes it challenging for your body’s systems just to get you through the day.
When my foggy mind finally saw just how bad things had become, I left my husband. It literally took me months to catch up on my sleep after that experience. Honestly, some nights at the beginning of my efforts to get back on track, I would still lay awake – mind racing, wide awake but exhausted – until 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. before I finally fell asleep, and then I would need to be up in a couple of hours. It was a vicious cycle that I needed to put an end to. It literally felt like I was fighting to bring myself back. I needed to make a strong effort to schedule my sleeping times and even had daily naps for a while. The most challenging part was learning to relax physically and to slow down my mind in order to even have a chance at sleep. One of the steps I took right away was to avoid screens within 30 minutes of trying for sleep. I also learned some simple breathing techniques, progressive body relaxation and mindfulness to bring my thoughts to the present and stop worrying about the past and the future. After discussing it with my doctor, another resource I began using is a magnesium supplement about an hour before bedtime. I had been struggling with restless leg syndrome and it definitely helped me with that issue (I can’t even remember the last time it happened). But, for me, I also find that the magnesium makes it easy for me to drift off to sleep in just a few minutes, and I typically remain asleep for the entire night.
Getting into a healthy sleep pattern made a HUGE difference in my life. Self-regulation of emotions and behavior was no longer a problem because I became rested, alert and so much less automatically reactive. On a physical level, I began feeling better than I had in years. My lifestyle also grew to include daily exercise and a change in eating habits, so they have helped in that category as well. And when it comes to my mind and thinking processes, everything turned around in that department. My thoughts went back to a state of being faster, clearer and more organized. I started feeling like myself again. It was and continues to be an amazing feeling.
There are plenty of resources out there regarding the science behind sleep if you’re interested. There are necessary stages that we cycle through more than once during the night, and we can’t reach those stages if we’re lying awake for hours or constantly starting from step one because our sleep is being disrupted. The bottom line is that without proper sleep, our wellbeing on every level is impacted negatively. The longer the deprivation continues, the worse everything becomes. If you are in an abusive relationship or other chronically challenging situation, keep all of this in mind and do your best to avoid insufficient and/or continually disrupted sleep. Use any resource that works for you to keep things as on track as is possible.
In the event that you have left the abuse or other ongoing challenging environment and are feeling burnt out and low, know that it does get better. Working on stress management, diet (staying hydrated with water is beneficial holistically, too), exercise (walking, yoga, swimming, biking, etc. – and exercising outside increases the benefits for your mind and emotions) and regular sleep patterns brought me such amazing overall improvements and made an enormous improvement in my life. Your efforts don’t need to include massive changes if you aren’t up to it. Stick to the basics of regular exercise (whatever that looks like for you), healthy eating (and if you feel that your nutrient intake may be out of whack despite a balanced diet, talk to your GP or a nutritionist about vitamins and/or supplements), adequate and quality sleep, engaging in self-care, and learning better coping skills for daily life, and you will find yourself on an upward trajectory in short order. If you need support on your journey, feel free to touch base.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
Above all else, toxic families present the ultimate betrayal. They leave members, particularly scapegoats, feeling unloved, insignificant, alone, abused, confused, bullied, useless, responsible for all that is wrong in the family, and flawed beyond hope. And then all of these feelings and beliefs, based on the type of ‘love’ (which is not love at all) experienced in this family system, set members up to be at high risk for winding up in other toxic relationships as adults.
