My university courses are keeping me quite busy these days and yet the ideas for blog posts continue to flow. So, here we go!
One of the things that commonly holds people in a toxic romantic relationship is fear of change and of being alone. Many hold on to their current situation because they believe that starting over would be worse. Others may seek out new partners prior to leaving, in an effort to have a new relationship to run to, which generally won’t end well because we aren’t in the right place to make it work. That’s not fair to us or the new person we’ve escaped to.
Starting a new chapter can be an amazing opportunity, particularly when the last chapter involved abuse. And a new chapter started independently can be beneficial as well. Being on our own allows us to get to know ourselves, possibly in ways we had never experienced in the past. Once we get to know ourselves and grow into that knowledge, we will often find that there were patterns in our lives that led us down certain paths, some of which were undoubtedly not healthy for us. Time on our own can help us to build self-esteem and the clarity to spot red flags with new people who come into our lives so that we always have the tools to stand strong, put up boundaries, and protect ourselves from future harm.
An especially important part of leaving and then healing from any toxic relationship is a support system. However, many of us who have grown up in a dysfunctional family have learned that expressing emotions is not acceptable and we will often have been met with diminishing comments about how weak we are for having feelings, or maybe a flat-out refusal to even acknowledge that we are in a difficult emotional space. There’s also a good chance of being blamed for our situation, which is ironic, given that our choice of partners is typically a result of dysfunctional family experiences and belief systems handed down to us regarding the treatment we’re expected to accept from loved ones. If we’re allowed to speak of our troubles, we might also be ridiculed or have our experiences spewed out to any number of other people in the form of gossip. So the focus should be on finding a support system that we can lean on and trust. Maybe that’s an anonymous online forum or support group, a counsellor or coach, a trusted friend or family member; whoever it may be, it’s always beneficial to get our feelings out so that we can gain perspective and strength and begin healing. In the event that we aren’t yet ready to say any of it out loud or we haven’t yet found a safe space in which to do so, journaling can be helpful. Even if our feelings get written down and then we shred or burn the pages afterwards, the benefit comes from having expressed ourselves. Picture it as a form of release of negativity and hurt, helping us move forward.
Don’t be afraid of new chapters or going solo. Yes, it’s unnerving; the unknown can cause us to feel immense worry and concern. But just know that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. At the risk of sounding like a broken record from previous posts, make self-love and self-care priorities in your life. Find the courage to push forward to something better. We’re always stronger than we may give ourselves credit for. Find your support system in whatever form you feel safe with. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that new opportunities are around every corner. Eventually, you will find yourself in a better place, even if you need to fake it ’til you make it. Just don’t be deterred by fear of change or being on your own. As the saying goes, when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. Perspective is an amazing tool when we choose to utilize it.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
