Tag: mental health awareness (Page 9 of 11)

Put the focus on healing

July 19, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I’ve written about this topic in the past but felt that it was worth talking about again.

When we realize that someone in our life is toxic — whether it involves narcissism or some other form of dysfunction — it’s incredibly important to focus on our healing. It’s easy to get tangled up in the why’s of the situation … why do/did they treat me that way? … why are/were they like this? … and so on. The truth is, though, that  we can spend all kinds of time wondering about someone else and their intentions and behaviour, but it’s unlikely that we’ll ever truly know the why’s of it. And that’s okay. We don’t need to understand anything more than that toxic people are toxic people. The priority is to heal ourselves and not waste precious time wondering about someone else.

And the most amazing things happen when we heal ourselves from the acts of abusive people, including the improved abilities to pick up quickly on red flags, create and maintain boundaries, and, best of all, know our value and the steps we’ll bravely take to protect ourselves if anyone disrespects us in any way in the future. Truth be told, it’s highly unlikely that healed people will allow toxic people to stay in or come into their lives, or, at least, close enough to be able to cause any harm. And, yes, this includes family, partners, friends, and so on.  Toxic people come in all forms.  Regardless of who they are, we have every right to protect ourselves and our peace. Many of us will have grown up in dysfunctional environments and were trained to accept abusive behaviour as ‘normal’, but when we heal and grow, well, let’s just say that once we see dysfunction and abuse and the people who perpetrate them with open eyes, we can’t easily un-see any of it. And going back into that mess is not a desirable goal.

I’ve viewed many websites that talk about getting back at the narcissist, or trying to figure out why they hurt us. While it’s helpful to understand, in general, about toxic people and that their actions have absolutely nothing to do with us, it’s most advantageous for us to put time into our own selves and lives. That’s where the rubber meets the road, as they say. Because when we heal and learn to appreciate ourselves and our value, issues with toxic people will undoubtedly drop off. Why? We’re stronger, we learn to appreciate peace and what it’s like to have it around us, and we know without a doubt that life is too short to waste on toxic individuals and that our future happiness is worth its weight in gold.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

How not to live our lives based on toxic people’s words about us

April 21, 2023 / / 0 Comments

When we grow up in a toxic family system, which leaves us open and vulnerable to other toxic people as we move along our life’s path, we will inevitably be the target of unjustifiably critical and judgment-filled words. It may be about our appearance, intelligence, personality, social skills, athleticism, talents, and other areas of who we are. It could be as simple as ongoing criticisms or being made fun of for the sound of our voice, our freckles, our hair, or our choice of clothing. Or it might be overarching and all-encompassing negativity about who we are as a person. In short, our self-image is severely damaged.

And without a doubt, these things – sadly – often stick with us. Maybe we aren’t really aware of them.  In fact, most of the time, we aren’t aware of them until/unless some significant event opens our eyes. They accumulate with ongoing abuse and slide down into our subconscious, adding to this toxic ball of judgments that sits deep inside of us. Many of us simply see the way we’re treated as “normal”, as “love”, and that we’re deserving of these chronically harsh words. And then our lives become seriously impacted by those negative words. Sometimes they only rise up at times, with or without our awareness. Other times, they negatively influence an abundance of our thoughts about ourselves on a daily basis. We may begin to dislike the sound of our voice, the look of our freckles or hair, or the clothes we love, because we received so much unsolicited judgment about them over time. Or we might feel like we’re just an overall crap person because those were the messages we received – and may still be receiving – about ourselves. We may not be aware of where these thoughts come from – maybe (hopefully) some day we will – but it’s possible for them to just become our own unquestioned beliefs and thinking patterns about ourselves.  And we will go out into the world from this space of low self-esteem and general dislike of ourselves. We may approach everyone around us as though we’re “less than”, we’re weak, we’re not intelligent, we’re unattractive, we’re talentless and unskilled, we’re deserving of abusive behaviour, and so on. These themes are typically fed to us by people we trust and believe to be acting in our best interests, so why wouldn’t we just accept and internalize them? In reality, though, we are quite likely all the things we think we’re not, and yet we won’t see it or feel it. We won’t enjoy being who we are because someone else has sucked the joy out of it.

The bottom line here is that we aren’t who other people tell us we are. And that particularly applies to toxic people with fragile egos and unpleasant agendas towards others. Even if it’s family members who are the perpetrators – and, honestly, especially when it’s family members – it doesn’t make what they say about us the truth or valid in any way. In fact, the only truth or validity about ourselves needs to come from us. We need to look in the mirror and love and accept the person who is looking back. And we need to love that person inside and out. We need to believe in ourselves and, as the saying goes, to be our own biggest fan. In the end, what matters is that we live our best life and love the person that we are. What other people think is irrelevant. Everyone – absolutely everyone – has their own biases and opinions. No two people will ever see another person in the same way. The only person we need to impress is ourselves. That’s it. From that perspective comes confidence and self-acceptance. And then peace and happiness. No one can give that to us, we need to give it to ourselves.

If we’ve been through years, or decades, of narcissistic or other toxic-person abuse and we have an awareness of the judgments we’re making about ourselves based on other people’s words, we need to build a habit of calling those out. “Okay, I just allowed someone to disrespect me because I felt that I was less than them and deserved their abusive behaviour towards me. Why? Is it because my mother, for example, always claimed superiority over me and made me feel that I didn’t measure up and therefore was required to accept unkind words and actions?” Call it out. Ask the tough questions, like, why did I just react that way? Or why do I feel so small compared to [fill in the blank]? Whatever it may be, put it under a spotlight, brainstorm about what may have been said in the past and how that might still be having an impact, and then hold that awareness so that these reactions can be stopped in their tracks the next time they rear their ugly head. Eventually, we can win out over these knee-jerk reactions based in the untrue beliefs we may hold about ourselves. We are all capable of seeing ourselves as we are. What we may have been taught about ourselves by people with less than stellar intentions are not of use to us. And if they’ve snuck their way into our subconscious, it’s time to weed them out for good. It may take some time but it’s well worth the effort.

Keep coming back here for more on how to work through negative internalized messages and improve self-esteem and confidence.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

Ways to Manage Eco-anxiety

April 14, 2023 / / 0 Comments

 

Eco-anxiety is defined as “the distress caused by climate change where people are becoming anxious about their future” (Coffey et al., 2021). This is a very real concern and cause for anxious thoughts for many people, especially given the escalating issues our planet is experiencing as a direct result of human-driven climate change. Here’s the thing, though: we are not helpless. We don’t have to resign ourselves to the ultimate demise of nature, mankind, and our planet. Read on to find out how we can take steps to make a difference, positively impact our future, and lessen our eco-anxiety.

The planet is getting warmer due to the greenhouse effect. Carbon emissions over time (from the use of coal, natural gas, and oil) have created a dome that prevents the sun’s heat from being released out of our atmosphere and into space. The increase in temperatures is affecting ecosystems and spaces – like coral reefs, the rainforest, and ice fields, for example – and creating imbalances in nature, which then affects incredibly important items such as biodiversity and the planet and its inhabitants as a whole.

We, as humans, are affected by biodiversity changes from climate change in the form of food supplies being impacted by heat, drought, diseases and pests, as well as loss of clean water sources. Biodiversity problems also often result in extinction of species. So many things on our planet are intricately connected, so much so that damage or destruction of one system creates a domino effect that eventually reaches us in negative ways.

In addition, deforestation of trees and other vegetation creates more issues for the planet with issues such as erosion, flooding, and the release of stored carbon into the earth’s atmosphere.

Severe weather systems will become more prevalent with the worsening of climate change. Heat-related illnesses and deaths will increase. Food shortages and lack of clean water will become more wide-spread. Some medications, such as certain cancer-fighting drugs, may become more difficult to produce because they come from threatened species such as corals and other natural spaces.

Climate and environmental scientists have been raising the alarm about climate change for decades now. The fact is that we humans have not, on the whole, truly been listening or doing much about it. And time is running out for us to make a difference for ourselves and our planet. We have every reason to feel anxious about this situation. Without a healthy planet, every living thing on earth is at risk. The fact of the matter is, though, that we as a species possess the tools for positive action and change.

Here are some ideas that we can all consider in our daily lives:

Taking time to understand climate change and how it can be halted.

Save energy at home. Turn off those lights when they aren’t necessary, upgrade to energy-saving appliances, etc.

Walk, cycle, or use public transport whenever possible.

Eat more vegetables. Plant trees.

Consider your travel. For example, emissions from planes are significant contributors to climate change.

Try to minimize waste.

Implement the 4 R’s – Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Repair.

Think about different sources of energy for your home, such as wind and solar power.

Make your money count by purchasing products from companies who are using resources and energy responsibly. We, as consumers, have the power – through our choices – to influence the actions taken by large corporations when it comes to what they produce and the processes they use in production.

Speak up and take action. Shout it from the rooftops if you’re so inclined. We need to advocate for our planet and our future. Talk to people about climate change and how each of us can make a difference individually and collectively. There are so many misconceptions or just plain lack of awareness and knowledge that drive climate change inaction. If global, mass social movements can be created, major progress will happen. But it all starts with each of us taking steps on an individual level first. (United Nations, 2023)

I would also suggest watching some of the ecological and nature shows that Netflix or other providers have to offer. I highly recommend ‘Chasing Coral’, ‘Seaspiracy’, ‘Our Universe’, ‘Our Planet’, ‘Our Great National Parks’ with Barack Obama, ‘A Life On Our Planet’ with the great David Attenborough (actually, anything with David Attenborough is recommended), and so many more.

We don’t have to stand idly by and watch climate change move beyond its tipping point. There is still time to halt this process. We all need to look at the big picture because there is no Planet B. And in taking action for our planet, we also take steps to empower ourselves, lessen eco-anxiety, and improve our future.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

References

Coffey, Y., Bhullar, N., Durkin, J., Islam, M. S., & Usher, K. (2021). Understanding Eco-anxiety: A Systematic Scoping Review of Current Literature and Identified Knowledge Gaps. The Journal of Climate Change and Health, 3(3), 100047. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.joclim.2021.100047

United Nations. (2023). Start with these ten actions! United Nations. https://www.un.org/en/actnow/ten-actions#speak-up

From the Ashes

April 12, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

Trust

March 21, 2023 / / 0 Comments

A warm welcome to the new visitors to the site!  I love Google Analytics for providing insight into website activities.

So, one topic that presents challenges for scapegoats is trust. When we’re treated as a scapegoat and/or abused by narcissists, whether it’s in a family or other relationship, it damages our ability to trust others. Here we are being treated unfairly by someone who’s supposed to love and care about us, but they use us as a patsy for their own behaviour. And they criticize, berate, and lie about us all for their own interests. Sometimes physical or other abuse is involved. There’s no loyalty coming from them to us. None. If it’s a parent, we may believe that their actions toward us are somehow justified. I mean, this is our parent.  A supposed role model. Someone we should be able to trust and lean on. Someone who demands to be seen as wise and all-knowing. And yet the person they portray us to be is not anything like who we feel we are. That creates a great deal of dissonance. Then, because we’ve been taught to respect this person and “do as we’re told”, we feel guilty for even questioning them in our minds. And they will be quite willing to pile more guilt on just to keep us held down. Their behaviour towards us  – control, manipulation, gaslighting, projecting, etc. – is all meant to keep us in line and under their thumb.  They may try to mask it as concern, love, discipline, or whatever else, but it’s all about keeping us firmly entrenched in our scapegoat role.

If we go on to other relationships with narcissists (which is quite common because it’s familiar), this cycle will continue. Abuse, blame, guilt. At some point, it’s only human to want to stop trusting people, unless we’re fortunate enough to have people in our lives who happen to be the real deal and wouldn’t hurt us for all the money in the world.  There’s only so much our psyches can take before we need to protect ourselves.  That’s perfectly normal. Upsetting, but normal.

How do we learn to trust people? One big piece of advice is to take your time when we’re getting to know new people. And when it comes to people who have proved to us over and over that they can’t be trusted, but they’re suddenly saying they’ve ‘changed’, we need to keep their past behaviour in mind before we let down our guard.  There truly are good people out there in the world. We just need to listen to our intuition and past experience. We need to trust ourselves and our ability to make good judgments. And if red flags turn up along the way, we have every right to remove ourselves from whatever the situation may be. Don’t worry about hurt feelings or someone getting peeved.  We need to take care of ourselves, and that includes protection from people who we feel may hurt us.

In childhood, we don’t often have protection from a narcissistic parent. Family members and other relatives tend to go along with the narrative. But we may luck out and have at least one family member who’s in our corner for support, even if they do so out of sight of the narcissist. If not, we may have friends we can turn to for support. In other relationships, we may believe that the ‘love’ we were given by a narcissist is what love should look like.  As a result, we may inadvertently end up with more narcissists. And that’s okay. We all learn as we go. Once we recognize toxic people, abuse, cycles, patterns, scapegoating, and so on, we can forgive ourselves for not recognizing it because it was all we knew and what we thought was ‘normal’. And then we can do our best to keep ourselves safe from that point forward. We may at some point be tricked by another toxic person, even when we thought we had a handle on knowing what to look for. That’s okay. We forgive ourselves again and we move on. We save our trust for people who deserve it.

Yes, being a scapegoat is a difficult experience.  Look at it this way, though – imagine being a narcissist or other toxic, miserable type of person. Having to control and manipulate others just to feel some sense of security. Protecting a fragile ego at all costs. Hurting people over and over again. No, thanks! Even though they hurt us, at least we can learn, grow, and become stronger, kinder people.  They also provide us with a spectacular model of who we don’t ever want to be. They’re absolutely stuck where they are. Very few toxic people ever change. We have so many opportunities for changing and adapting. That’s such a gift.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

Scapegoats/Black Sheep are often Truth-Tellers

March 16, 2023 / / 0 Comments

In many cases within a dysfunctional family system, the individual who is silently labelled as the scapegoat or black sheep will be a truth-teller.  By this, I mean someone who tells their truth at any cost, even when it comes to the dysfunctions of their family of origin or a close relationship with a partner or friend.

Given that narcissists, for example, create their own self-serving realities and expect everyone to accept them without question, a truth-teller is an aggravation to them.  This may be one of the reasons why the scapegoat or black sheep was targeted in the first place.  Who better to hold accountable for all the family’s or relationship’s problems than someone who has the power to blow the whistle on the entire system?  So the scapegoat is perpetually discredited and made to look like a liar, or even “crazy”, in order to protect the narcissist’s (or other toxic person’s) carefully crafted persona and to carry on the family or relationship roles and systems.

I say, embrace truth-telling.  There will always be people who dislike the truth because it doesn’t fit their narrative.  So be it.  It isn’t the end of the world.  Over time, many of us who are scapegoated, black sheep, truth-tellers eventually separate ourselves from our toxic family of origin (or other relationships in our lives) because we realize that no matter what we say or do to simply be ourselves or defend ourselves, those dynamics will continue.  As long as we continue to speak our truth, we will be targeted, blamed, and have smear campaigns launched against us by some people.

In the end, we need to be true to ourselves.  And that includes being truth-tellers and often means going no contact or low contact with certain people.  Is that challenging?  It definitely can be.  Is it impossible?  Nope.  And, in my experience, it will bring more peace and calm into daily life than was ever experienced in the past.   That’s worth its weight in gold.

Don’t be afraid to be a truth-teller.  And just know that if someone doesn’t like hearing your truth, especially about dysfunctional family or relationship systems, it’s probably because they feel threatened by it.  That’s their issue, not yours.  And don’t forget about self-care if you’re in the midst of challenges.  Here’s a great book that you might want to consider for ideas: https://amzn.to/3n2B92Y. (Just copy and paste the link into your browser and it will direct you to the book.)

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

Time and Experiences Lost to Toxic People

February 2, 2023 / / 0 Comments

One of the things that I found most challenging in my own healing journey was the feeling of having lost time and positive life experiences as the result of narcissistic abuse.  And this can be the case for anyone when having dealt with or currently dealing with any type of toxic individual.  What do I mean by that?  As children and young adults being raised in a dysfunctional family, it’s common to lose our sense of identity (if we were even able to form or express one in this environment) and to miss out on common life experiences.  We may not have been permitted to socialize (in order to isolate us, or because we’re pressured for high performance in academics and other pursuits, etc.), which then impacts on belonging within social circles.  This can result in exclusion and loneliness, or even being bullied.  We may be pressured to look and act a certain way that doesn’t represent who we truly are, or made to behave and dress in provocative ways (or the exact opposite).  This impacts on our future relationships and self-image, and it may even create lifelong issues surrounding intimacy.  These are just a couple of examples.

So, in addition to being abused and all of the issues it creates for us, we may be left feeling that we lost time and positive life experiences, and that we were cheated out of all or parts of our childhood or teenage years.  Maybe we didn’t appreciate our youth because, due to family dysfunction, we were not given the opportunity to do so, or we were made to feel like we didn’t have the option to enjoy it because we needed to spend time being high achievers in absolutely everything, or that we were selfish if we enjoyed just being a kid or a teen, or we didn’t think highly of our appearance, intelligence, personality, and so on because we were criticized and put down.  All of these components may even have been the cause of lost opportunities in our futures, many that we are unaware of until further into adulthood.

As adults, this can all be difficult to accept.  I mean, we have had our childhoods damaged or completely stolen from us.  We missed out on experiences because of other people’s dysfunction and brokenness.  And we have every right to be angry, hurt, resentful, sad …    It’s absolutely okay to visit those feelings, but it’s not healthy for us to take up residence there.   Not only is it important to press forward and enjoy our lives in the now, but it’s crucial that we don’t lose more precious time.  When we get stuck in the negative feelings, we lose more time to situations that were beyond our control and are now firmly in the past.  We were unknowingly caught up in other people’s issues.

We need to be patient and kind with ourselves and our inner child.  This wasn’t our fault.  We didn’t ask for any of it.  But we do need to hold ourselves accountable for how we’ll work on healing ourselves and moving forward.  There’s a great deal of satisfaction and fulfillment to be derived from having a growth mindset and reaching for what we want our lives to look like.  And although it can’t bring back lost time, missed experiences or opportunities, it can help us to enjoy and make the most of our reclaimed lives and identities.  Look forward, not back.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

 

The Two Sides of an Enabling Parent

January 21, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hello, everyone!

I wanted to write a bit about enabling parents and the two sides that we might see with them.  There’s one side that they need to stay in character with when they are around their narcissistic partner, and there’s the other side that represents who they truly are.  By that, I mean the real person that this individual is when not being controlled and overseen by their toxic mate.

What many of us may see, while the narcissist is present, is a parent who behaves in meek, mild, passive, obedient, and often child-like ways, as well as seeming that they don’t have a mind of their own.  They also tend to go along with their partner, against us, often without so much as asking our perspective or possibly even considering that we have a different perspective.  We may hear things like “Don’t let me hear you talking to your mother/father like that” or “Don’t talk back” or “Do as you’re told”, even when we’re teenagers, or even adults.  Decisions are deferred to, and all attention is spotlighted on, the narcissist.  This typically means that any children in the vicinity are all but ignored, except to blame and criticize, as though their presence is significantly lesser in comparison to the person whose ego needs constant stroking.  I mean, it all makes sense, as sad as it is.  Narcissists use tactics like the silent treatment, guilting, or raging out on their partners when they don’t get the full attention they want/need for their fragile ego.  So the only way that enabling parents can keep some semblance of, albeit, weak peace in their lives is to make their narcissistic partner the center of the universe and fulfill their every selfish whim.

However, on those rare occasions when the non-toxic parent is away from the other parent (narcissists don’t like to let their enablers out of their sight), we may see full glimpses of their true selves.  In fact, they may seem like an entirely different person.  It can feel like a breath of fresh air to witness it.  In my experiences and those I have heard from others, the enabling parent may suddenly seem much more confident, happy, caring, interested in you/your life, sociable, carefree, and quite willing to make decisions for themselves.  I’ve even seen physical changes take place, like standing up taller as opposed to slouching, and marked, positive changes in body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.  As nice as it is to see a parent as they are, even for a few moments, it’s incredibly heartbreaking to realize the full scope of the life (using that term loosely in this case) they lead with their partner.  Yes, as children of narcissists, we have our own set of difficult circumstances and feel a need to cover up our authentic selves in the presence of our disordered parent.  There’s no doubt about it.  And it’s incredibly painful to feel unprotected and cast aside by an enabling parent.  But it doesn’t make it any less difficult to see an enabling parent who may also be suffering and living as someone other than who they are, just to maintain some small fragment of peace.

It’s a crime that narcissists, using their manipulative and deceptive behaviours, are able to cause those around them to retreat into shells of their true selves and not live the full lives they are meant to live, children and partners alike.  Obviously there can be exceptions to this, like families with two narcissistic parents, or an enabling parent who sometimes takes a stand for themselves and even for their children.  Overall, though, rather than being what a family should be, life with narcissists can often be compared to a prison, with a warden who calls all the shots and creates a system that benefits them and them alone.

There are ways to heal from narcissists.  There is hope.  We need to educate ourselves – on narcissism, on boundaries, on low- and no-contact, on healing ourselves, etc. – and empower ourselves.  Natural Clarity Coaching is a useful support system, as are many other resources.  No one needs to be alone when grappling with these circumstances.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

 

What Happens When We Leave a Toxic System?

January 18, 2023 / / 0 Comments

When we decide to go low contact or no contact with dysfunctional family members, friends, partners, workplaces, and so on, what happens to those individuals and the toxic system?  It doesn’t really matter as far as our own healing and progress is concerned, but it’s interesting to consider it.

In the case of, say, a narcissistic romantic partner, there may be an initial attempt at keeping the relationship intact but they will typically move on to a new person (aka source of supply, meaning someone to keep their ego happy temporarily).  When there are children involved, there may be issues, but there is definitely an assortment of legal and other means of managing everything.  Toxic workplaces would be similar to romantic partners because there will typically be someone there to fill the void space, as would be the case with the majority of toxic friends (particularly ones with shallow bonds).

But when it comes to a toxic family system with, potentially, a narcissist at the helm, what happens when, say, the scapegoat leaves through low contact or no contact?  This is different than the relationships noted above.  Family systems have incredibly lengthy histories, with specific people who “play” certain roles.  For example, with a narcissistic mother as the dominant individual, there will quite likely be an enabling father.  And there will be a child or children who are the scapegoat or the golden child.  The dysfunctional family system, and particularly the narcissist, needs everyone to stay in order to maintain the status quo.  And the people within the system can’t simply be replaced.  This toxic system can often include extended family members, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others.  In order to survive, it needs its members to remain in the loop and to play their given parts.

So, scapegoats will often experience attempts by family members to keep them drawn into the mix.  A narcissistic parent needs the scapegoat; to talk about, complain about, blame, control, condescend to, put down, manipulate.  Without this relational dynamic, the narcissist’s system falls apart.  This is at the very root of the entire game they play to feed their fragile egos.  How can they play the victim or place blame if the scapegoat isn’t available?  Who do they compare their golden child to, if not the scapegoat?  How do they pass their time with, perhaps, an enabling partner if they don’t have their usual scapegoat fodder to regularly discuss and dissect?  It may not even be the narcissistic parent who attempts to draw a scapegoat back into the fold.  In fact, they’re more likely to play the victim of ‘abandonment’ and then encourage others to do the convincing on their behalf.  It could be the enabling parent, siblings, other relatives, or flying monkeys (people who do the narcissist’s bidding on the mistaken belief that the narcissist is being victimized) who are friends of the narcissist.  Why?  Because they likely feel ill at ease with the shift in the system, in addition to having to deal with an angry narcissist who, without their fall guy, might now be aiming their increased victim charade, outbursts, blaming, and negative behaviour at other people.  Everyone in the system wants to keep the narcissist happy, if only to make their own lives less difficult.  Just like a loss of hydro to a home, the goal of a toxic family that has lost its integral scapegoat is to reinstitute them in their role and put the system back to ‘normal’.

To sum it up, toxic family systems will be turned on their heads when a scapegoat makes the decision to remove themselves.  And those who remain will struggle with the change and will have a tendency to want to bring everything back as it was.  Holding an awareness of this can be of great benefit for scapegoats.  We may get the emotional impression management treatment from family members who want us to return to our role so that everything will be back in place.  “We all miss you, please come back.  We’re your family”.  But the sad truth is that they don’t miss ‘us’; they miss the perceived stability of the toxic system, whether they realize it or not.  Everyone needs to play their part to keep the dysfunction alive and well in order to have even the slightest chance of a bit of peace in their lives.  This system is familiar and it’s what keeps narcissists as content as they can be, which means that everything can keep rolling along, as well as it possibly can in such a disordered environment.  When we leave, they want us to return, but not for the right reasons.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Difficult Realizations

January 13, 2023 / / 0 Comments

(Just a note to start off with.  As promised, more to come on self-acceptance (see previous post) in an upcoming post.)

Anyone who reaches an awareness of the toxicity of someone in their life – be it a parent, sibling, significant other, etc. – has to have experienced a major realization at some point.  That a-ha! moment where everything (months, years, or even decades) suddenly makes sense.  “Oh, wow.  My Mom behaves like a narcissist!” or “My best friend of 10 years has been plotting to steal my partner all this time!”  Something will trigger us to see what’s really been going on.  An epiphany of sorts.

For many of us, this new reality may become crushingly clear.   It could come in the form of suddenly realizing that not only has, for example, a parent not authentically supported us throughout our lives, but they have actually been actively creating and maintaining a negative narrative in their minds about us for years.  And, beyond that, they have spread this narrative to others.  Maybe we’ve been unjustifiably portrayed as stubborn, selfish, difficult, unintelligent, overly sensitive, lazy, or unable to successfully run our own lives.  And there have likely even been occasions when we have spoken up for ourselves when subtle insinuations to these narratives have been made, only to realize that no one bothered to truly hear a word we said and simply went forward as though we had never spoken.  Why?  Because they’re more interested in keeping the narrative alive, for whatever reason.  The whole dynamic of toxic people and their enablers or other people they’ve manipulated is typically a strong one, and, in the end, people will believe what they want to believe, regardless of facts.

Let’s take a closer look at this component of someone spreading false narratives about us and those on the receiving end believing what they want to believe, typically at the urging of a toxic person or people.  Let’s face it: if the person spreading falsehoods about us happens to be a parent, many people would simply assume it must be true.  Especially those who are not well-versed in toxic behaviours within families, for example, and the mechanisms of scapegoating.  And that can be a tough pill to swallow, when you can’t understand how someone could believe something so absolutely inaccurate about you.  But, really, anyone who has their head on straight would know better than to accept any narrative about someone without hearing what that individual has to say.  And they would also have the option to avoid judgment and simply disregard the information altogether.  Where does that leave us, though, when we become aware that not only has someone we may love and trust (such as a parent) been fabricating stories about who we are, but that they’ve spread it to others who are taking it at face value?  It leaves us with the opportunity of finding the strength to embrace what our truth is while acknowledging and accepting that any number of factors and variables are at play around us at any given time.  And that we don’t need to JADE – Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain – ourselves to anyone if we choose not to do so, especially about who we are as people or regarding our own lives and the choices we make.  If someone doesn’t know who we are … who we really are as a person … then that’s their issue, not ours.   If they choose to believe someone’s false narrative about us, that’s their prerogative.  In the end, other people’s opinions and beliefs about us don’t have any bearing on who we genuinely are.  It may disrupt relationships that we thought were deeper, but that’s nothing we can’t survive.  Actually, isn’t it better to know than to go along thinking people have our back when they really don’t?  I think so.

In the end, these realizations of toxic dynamics in our families and other relationships can be upsetting, disappointing, and hurtful.  Sometimes they’re traumatic.  Believing that someone has always had our best interests at heart and then finding out that it was anything but, can be gut-wrenching.   But we are strong enough to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move forward.  Yes, it can be challenging but, in the end, we’re stronger for the lessons we’ve learned and the empowerment, awareness, and knowledge we’ve gained.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

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