Most of us who have ultimately realized that we are dealing with a narcissist in a romantic relationship will question how this person was able to sneak past our defences. Just how exactly did we not notice from the start? How is it possible for us to have missed the truth of who this disordered individual really is?
First of all, try not to blame yourself. Honestly, it’s not a failing on our part. It’s not as though narcissists show their true colors from the get-go. And if they do happen to slip up and drop their mask somewhat and their real behaviour comes through for a brief moment now and then in the early stages of a relationship, we tend to overlook it or explain it away (they are also incredibly good at making light of their actions and convincing us of it). Everyone makes mistakes, right? This person seems so great – we all have our moments, don’t we? Our kind and forgiving traits, which we should be proud of, are used against us in this case. We give people the benefit of the doubt; however, some people don’t deserve it. We just don’t realize it yet.
Here’s the way narcissists worm their way into our lives and our hearts – they mirror us. What does that mean, you might ask. It means that they observe us: our beliefs, morals, values, behaviour, likes, dislikes, and then they become somewhat of a reflection of us. This works for the narcissist because on the surface we see someone who *appears* to have a lot in common with us. A kindred spirit, if you will. So, naturally, we feel an attraction and begin to put our trust in them. Then we find ourselves falling in love with them. And, bam, just like that, we’re deep in it. From there – guess what – when the narcissist’s true self begins to emerge (and it always does because they can only ‘act’ for so long), we’re in a state of confusion. We want to continue to believe that this person is who we think they are, despite them beginning to show a different side of themselves. And by this point, we’re determined to stand by this person and what we think we have been building with them, the seeming ‘love of our life’, even as their mask begins to slip and they allow their true self to come through. They know that we’re hooked (and sometimes all in on a financial level, or we now share assets, or there are children involved who we don’t want to upset, and so on) and that we’ll likely tolerate increasingly poor behaviour because we are of the mindset that it’s most likely only temporary. Oh, he’s just having a bad day and that’s why he did that, or, oh, she didn’t mean that cruel thing she just said.
You may be wondering if it’s possible to see through the narcissist’s ‘act’ before we’re potentially damaged by them in any or all ways. Taking things slowly in the early stages (and beyond for as long as we feel it will take, if we so choose) of a romantic relationship can allow us time to truly get to know someone and possibly see any red flags that might pop up. Keeping assets separate and children outside of the attachment zone are also protective measures. Narcissists can’t keep up the charade indefinitely. That’s why they try to draw us into whirlwind romances and make things happen as quickly as possible. Our best line of defence in a new relationship is to not allow ourselves to be rushed, and to take things at a pace that we’re comfortable with, all while keeping our eyes and ears wide open. That doesn’t mean being paranoid and suspicious – it means being aware and honest with yourself about what you are observing.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter