Tag: love bombing (Page 5 of 5)

Scapegoats and Seedlings

April 17, 2024 / / 0 Comments

This little seedling is one of many that I have started for the upcoming growing season. She’s a red Bell pepper plant.

So, you may be wondering, what does a tiny, wee seedling have to do with scapegoats?

In my scapegoat experience, and from what I’ve heard from many, many other people, when we become aware of narcissism affecting our lives, we are led to make some difficult but important decisions. The main decision is rooted in the question of, “Where do I go from here?”. Will we maintain the status quo? Will we put up boundaries? Will we take steps to protect ourselves?

For me, I chose the protection option in the form of low contact and, eventually, no contact. And when I cut those ties, it freed me in ways I had never imagined possible. Without abuse, without being controlled, without being mentally and physically exhausted, I COULD FINALLY HAVE A CHANCE TO BE ME, whoever that turned out to be. I had never had an opportunity to really know myself outside of who I was told and controlled to be.

And that freedom from the choice I made felt like a completely fresh start. It felt like, even as an adult, a seed had been planted and it represented a new chapter in my life. I needed to give it optimal conditions and the best chance to germinate and grow into what it was meant to be. It was scary at times. Why? Because some seeds just don’t germinate. Germination rate: “The rate literally refers to the number of out 100 (or more) seeds which germinate successfully within an acceptable period of time” (West Coast Seeds, 2018). And then, if that seed (me) did germinate, could I ensure that it (I) would grow and thrive?

I won’t say that it was easy to get through the germination and early growing phases. At times, it felt like the best conditions couldn’t be maintained. I wanted to throw in the towel more than once. But my goal was to see this through and to find out what my full potential could be. I’m not there yet, and, honestly, I think we, as humans, will always be working toward greater potential. That’s a big part of life. However, where I’m at now is really great. The seed germinated,I grew (and continue to grow), and I’m thriving.

Out of darkness, through major challenges, and against a lot of odds, I chose a new start for myself. It felt exhilarating and terrifying all at once. But as time has gone on, I’ve gotten better and better at ensuring that the conditions I’m growing and thriving in are as close to optimal as is possible, just like I’m doing for the Bell peppers and other seedlings in my care.

So, unlike seeds, we don’t have someone cover us with soil, add some water, put grow lights over our heads and maybe a little heater off to the side, and then watch to be sure we make it to full-grown status, but when we move on from abuse and start anew, we have an opportunity to grow ourselves. And if we have people in our lives that can help us to sprout and grow, that support is always beneficial. As to what we can do for ourselves, there’s self-care, growth mindset (haha, pun intended), belief in ourselves and our new journey, good nutrition, exercise, adequate sleep, stress management, and maybe some coaching and/or therapy. And that all helps to create wellness that allows our potential to germinate, grow, and thrive. How absolutely cool is that?!

Keep growing, my friends!

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching and Wellness

naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, X (formerly Twitter)

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours*

References

West Coast Seeds. (2018, June 7). Germination Rate. West Coast Seeds. https://www.westcoastseeds.com/blogs/glossary/germination-rate

Some Ways to Wellness

March 25, 2024 / / 0 Comments

A great focus for anyone, at any age, is that of wellness. “Wellness is a holistic integration of physical, mental, and spiritual well-being, fueling the body, engaging the mind, and nurturing the spirit” (Stoewen, DL, 2017).

Whether we’re experiencing abuse or are under a serious stress load, struggling with health issues, or simply want to work towards being as well as possible, wellness is for anyone and everyone. It’s the conscious act of self-care that gets us there.

When it comes to being in an abusive situation, aiming for wellness is particularly beneficial. The trouble with this environment, though, is that it may be tremendously difficult to work towards wellness because of a lack of resources, feeling constantly fatigued, having a large number of daily responsibilities and problems to cope with, and a variety of other factors. This will vary from person to person. However, the flip side is that wellness provides a solid base for strength on all levels – physical, mental, and spiritual – and this can help us to keep putting one foot in front of the other in the face of adversity.

So, how do we bring wellness to our lives, especially if we’re currently experiencing some form of abuse? One path is to simply reach for it wherever and whenever we can, even if it seems like baby steps. Nutrition is one way. Fresh fruits and veggies are an ideal snack, side dish, or dessert, but canned and frozen still contain the nutrients. Eating as healthfully as possible under our current circumstances can make a big difference. Avoiding over-processed foods and “junk foods” can definitely help us feel better. They may bring some of us temporary emotional comfort but, in the end, they can make us feel worse while exacerbating the emotional eating cycle. If finances are a barrier, food banks are an option. There are also a variety of companies that offer daily mystery packages of baked goods, dairy products, meats, and fruit items at extremely low prices in order to avoid food waste. Staying hydrated is also incredibly important, with water being at the top of the list. Nutrition helps our bodies and minds to function better.

Exercise is another great way to work towards wellness. Do what you love! That may be jogging, cycling, skiing, skateboarding, tennis, soccer, basketball, walking (particularly in nature…fresh air can work wonders), or any number of other activities. All we need to do is move our bodies. One program that I’ve found very beneficial is called ‘Walk at Home’ (Instagram: @walkathome; Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/WalkAtHomeOfficial; Website: https://walkathome.com/). It’s in the style of a full-body walking workout that you can easily find on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVl6ZdslZz2Zj-34bMJFPbg). The founder is Leslie Sansone; she’s very motivational, knowledgeable, and easy to listen to, as are the other fitness leaders who offer instruction within ‘Walk at Home’. The program offers a variety of routines to choose from and you can tailor them to your needs. Some are 15 or 20 minutes, others are 45. The longer ones are broken into 15-minute sections that are each equivalent to one mile so that you can easily choose how far and for how long you want to participate. Resistance bands are a part of some of the programming, which provides additional strength training. All of this can be done in a small space and is geared towards all ages and all levels of ability.

Other forms of working towards or maintaining wellness include journalling, meditation, yoga, engaging in hobbies we enjoy, spending time in nature, volunteering, reading, and so on. Also, if we’re in need of professional help for our emotional and/or mental state, we can reach out. Many counsellors and therapists offer subsidized or sliding-scale fees. See your general practitioner doctor for referrals to psychiatrists that may be covered by government health plans. There are also a variety of free or low-cost mental wellness apps available. Also, look up support groups on Facebook or other platforms for an opportunity to gain insight, knowledge, and to reinforce that we are not alone. There are so many options available…we just need to seek them out.

And sleep…this is a crucial part of wellness. But between stress, worry, and maybe even an abuser who keeps us from getting enough rest, sleep can be elusive. That means that we need to make a conscious effort to get as much sleep as possible. Once we are sleep-deprived, it’s much more difficult to bounce back. So keeping on top of our sleep needs matters. And it matters a lot. According to the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute, “[s]leep deficiency can interfere with work, school, driving, and social functioning. You might have trouble learning, focusing, and reacting. Also, you might find it hard to judge other people’s emotions and reactions. Sleep deficiency also can make you feel frustrated, cranky, or worried in social situations” (NHLBI, 2022).

Wellness is integral to us as human beings. When we’re in a rough patch of our life journey, it can be difficult to maintain it, but this is the very time that we need to cling to whatever self-care measures we can. An apple here, a walk there, water as often as possible, reading a few pages of a book, a few stretches when we get out of bed…every little bit helps to contribute to our overall wellness. And even smiling can have amazing benefits: “The feel-good neurotransmitters—dopamine, endorphins and serotonin—are all released when a smile flashes across your face as well. This not only relaxes your body, but it can also lower your heart rate and blood pressure” (Stevenson, 2012). And when we achieve any level of holistic wellness, it enhances our lives and provides us with strength to face whatever challenges may come our way. It’s empowering and enriching. So, even if we have to do it in baby steps, wellness benefits all of us.

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching and Wellness

naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and X (Twitter)

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

References

National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute. (2022, March 24). Sleep Deprivation and Deficiency – What Are Sleep Deprivation and Deficiency? | NHLBI, NIH. www.nhlbi.nih.gov. https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/sleep-deprivation#:~:text=Sleep%20deficiency%20can%20interfere%20with

Stevenson, S. (2012, June 25). There’s Magic in Your Smile | Psychology Today Canada. www.psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile

Stoewen, DL. Dimensions of wellness: Change your habits, change your life. Can Vet J. 2017 Aug;58(8):861-862. PMID: 28761196; PMCID: PMC5508938.

One Foot In Front Of the Other: Self-care Matters

March 18, 2024 / / 0 Comments

One of the most important things any of us can do for ourselves when we’re dealing with abuse or stress is to take care of ourselves. It may feel like we don’t matter enough or we’re too busy or whatever the reason may be, but the truth is that we need to stay strong in all ways.

How do we do that? We pay attention to the most important factors: adequate sleep, good nutrition, physical exercise, and coping with stress as well as we can. What might that look like? Trying to keep our sleep schedule on track (8 hours is a good marker), eating as well as we can (fruits, vegetables, protein, drinking water, etc.), fitting in walks or any form of exercise that we can manage, and doing our best to manage whatever stress may be going on in our lives.

It’s not always easy to take good care of ourselves. That’s a fact. When we’re worn down from the challenges of toxic people or we have heavy stresses in our daily lives that aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, it’s often difficult to put one foot in front of the other. But every little bit of self-care effort is beneficial. No matter how small it may seem, whatever we can manage will benefit us. We need to focus on it wherever possible, cling to it if it needs to happen that way. Whatever we can do to keep ourselves as strong as possible will make a difference, even if it’s sometimes slight or barely perceptible.

When we make even the simplest of efforts to care for ourselves, our minds sense it, our bodies feel it, our spirits soak it up. And then it becomes easier to continue the trend. It feels good mentally, physically, and spiritually. It reminds us that we matter and we’re worth it, regardless of what’s going on around us. And that provides a sense of empowerment, self-worth, and strength that helps us keep going.

So, no matter where we’re at on any given day, it’s important to care for ourselves. It isn’t selfish or wasteful. It’s necessary. No matter how small the effort may be, it matters. We matter. One foot in front of the other. We can do this. ❤️

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching and Wellness

www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and X

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours*

How does the narcissist move on so quickly?

February 23, 2024 / / 1 Comment

When we split from our narcissistic partner, how can they so easily and quickly move on to someone new? That’s a question many of us have asked ourselves.

First of all, narcissists typically aren’t happy being on their own. Being single might, to them, signify being “less than”, and that isn’t how they do things. Their egos need constant bolstering. So they may spend time actively pursuing several people in their quest for a new partner, or jump straight into a new relationship.

Secondly, their depth of emotion is different than that of others. “Love”, to them, means someone giving them what they need on all levels. It isn’t usually about loving someone else, but, rather, being loved or adored or worshipped. It’s a shallow concept for narcissists, that doesn’t require time or growth; it’s simply about love-bombing their target so that real love and adulation comes back to them as soon as possible. We’ve likely figured out their games so they need to find someone who’s unaware of who they are. Love-bombing and mirroring help them to draw someone new into their trap, and it means that they don’t have to make any personal changes in order to be in a relationship.

Lastly, brain scans of people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder show that they have less brain matter in areas associated with emotional empathy (Derksen, 2019). When we break up with a narcissist (or vice versa because we’ve been discarded), they won’t feel truly saddened by the event or be sorry or accountable for any of their actions. Angry and vengeful are more apt to be their go-to responses, or behaving as though they never knew us. They just move on to someone new and appear to have forgotten our entire shared history (which is likely something that would benefit us as non-narcissists, except that we aren’t built that way). Then, they often add in smear campaigns. That’s because they need us to be the villains of the story since they won’t accept that responsibility.

So, yes, narcissists typically move on from relationships quickly and easily. There are a variety of factors at play but the above three are some of the main ones. And that’s okay if they do things that way. We feel our emotions and need to process break-ups differently. However, letting go of what the narcissist is doing and who they’re now with is the best thing we can do for our wellbeing while we’re working through it. And, no, there is nothing wrong with us simply because they moved on quickly. We loved a narcissist. They’ve moved onto something new. That’s what they do. We aren’t a part of the equation. 2 + 2 = narcissistic behaviour.

As usual, here are some book suggestions: https://amzn.to/4bLozKa

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching

naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and X

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours*

References

Derksen, S. (2019, May 17). Seeing Narcissism in the Brain. Dr. Syras Derksen. https://drsyrasderksen.com/seeing-narcissism-in-the-brain.html

When you leave a narcissist, do they try to win you back?

May 25, 2021 / / 0 Comments

The answer to that question is: Yes, most narcissists will try to win you back if you leave them. However, they don’t do this for the same reasons that non-narcissists might. A major misstep is to believe that a narcissist thinks and feels like you do. In reality, they are coming from a completely different mindset; a mindset where winning someone back is about just that – winning. As always, their actions have absolutely nothing to do with you. Their actions are based on protecting their fragile egos by controlling everything and everyone around them.

Narcissists will use the tactic known as ‘love bombing’. Here, they engage in larger-than-life demonstrations of attention and affection in an attempt to influence someone. In the case of someone leaving them, they will love bomb to get that person back in order to feel better about themselves after being left and to regain control of the person in question. Many narcissists will actually win someone back just so that they can abandon them and then move on with their next victim.

Hoovering is a similar tactic used by narcissists. Just like the vacuum cleaner brand, Hoover, the disordered person will attempt to ‘hoover’/suck in the person who left them and bring them back into the abusive relationship. They may make promises that they will never cause any more hurt, that they will change, that everything will be different this time. This can all appear to be incredibly believable and sincere. Narcissists are generally very good actors and it’s not difficult to get drawn back into their web. The unfortunate part is that it’s all an act. Nothing will improve, and if it does, it won’t stay that way for long. It is all based on empty promises in an effort to manipulate, control and further abuse a partner, family member or friend, etc.

So, yes, narcissists will typically try to win you back if you leave them. But it’s not for reasons based on love, seeing the error in their ways, changing their negative behaviour, caring or anything positive. It’s all about winning, maintaining control, keeping their ‘supply’ (your attention for the purpose of their ego-stroking) intact, making sure that they maintain a certain image for the world around them, and ultimately avoiding ‘narcissistic injury’ (the experience of narcissists when they lose, are criticized or abandoned).

If you are thinking about, in the process of, or have recently left a narcissist, it’s helpful to keep in mind the information set out above. There’s no doubt that many victims of narcissists go back to them at least once after leaving. That’s a common and understandable occurrence. It doesn’t suggest any weakness or lack of intelligence; it’s related to being a human who wants to feel loved and to not feel that they have been wasting precious time in a particular relationship. Never feel ashamed or weak if you return to a narcissist and then find yourself in the same situation in not too long. Removing oneself from narcissistic abuse happens in stages as we become increasingly aware. And wanting to believe that someone you love could change for the better is not a negative mark on your character. Believing in the potential for change and love is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, not everyone in our lives is up for the challenge. That’s their issue, not ours.

Armed with information about narcissistic tactics can help, though, to get us through the process of walking away when we feel it’s time and having the awareness of what would likely happen if we were to return. Knowledge is power. And as I mention often, asking ourselves honestly how this person truly makes us feel is an informative gauge to use in our decision-making with regard to the relationship. Do you feel loved or like a burden in their life? Are you treated with respect or disdain? Do you feel supported or sabotaged? Are your accomplishments/talents/skills encouraged and appreciated or is a never-ending list of alleged flaws being regularly highlighted? Do you feel comfortable in their presence or as though you’re walking on eggshells? Can you be yourself around them or do you need to filter or change who you are in order to be even slightly accepted and not constantly condescended to? Look at the entirety of your relationship and assess it overall with these types of questions. Honesty is integral. And listen to not only your mind but to your heart and soul. Tune out all external voices and opinions and tune in to yourself. The answers are always there when you’re ready to hear them.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin and Twitter

Newer posts »

google.com, pub-6165465005361947, DIRECT, f08c47fec0942fa0

Fees in CDN $

**Disclaimer: Not intended as a replacement for mental health services.**

© 2026 ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ Learn, Grow, Thrive

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑