Tag: lost

Separation and Divorce

February 26, 2023 / Heather / 0 Comments

Both separation and divorce are difficult experiences. This can be particularly true when dealing with a toxic person. Narcissists are often the main cause of many relationship breakdowns, although you’d never hear them taking ownership of their part in it. And they can make it more challenging when children are involved.

We may find ourselves questioning how we ended up with a narcissist or other toxic person in the first place. In some cases, if we have toxic role models in our lives, they have likely taught us a very skewed version of love. In actuality, it isn’t love, but as children, we have no way of knowing that. If we call a spade a spade, it’s control, manipulation, and abuse masquerading as what we’re expected to accept as “love”. For others, it may be that we grew up in a loving, functional, and healthy family but we meet a person who does a good job of pretending to be someone they’re not, until they get us where they want us. That place may be marriage, shared debt, children, or a multitude of other things that bind us to them and make it harder for us to walk away.

Regardless of how we’ve ended up with toxic people, if we eventually find our way to the point of leaving, we can use all the support we can get. Unfortunately, when our family of origin is dysfunctional, we’re unlikely to receive any authentic support from them. In fact, they may even make the whole situation feel even worse. For many, it’s also common to have feelings of embarrassment or shame coming into the picture, so they don’t want to turn to anyone, even healthy family and friends.

If you’re going through separation or divorce, or in the phases leading to it, reach out for support. When you are fortunate to have loving people in your life, consider talking to them about your situation. You might be surprised just how much it can help to have people behind you who understand what you’re going through. And, honestly, there’s no shame or reason to be embarrassed about leaving an unhealthy relationship. We all have our limits, and only we can decide when it’s time to close a chapter in our lives. But we don’t need to be martyrs and hang on, especially if it’s to avoid judgment by others. Let people judge. That’s their problem, not ours.

And when we don’t have anyone we feel we can to turn to on a personal level, it may be time to seek out other resources. This could be online or in-person support groups, counselling or coaching, or reading or watching videos about the various parts of relationship breakdown and how to cope. As a side note, find legal resources to protect yourself on that front as well. If you can’t afford a lawyer, search for resources that can be of assistance. Find that light at the end of the tunnel. Trust me, it’s there.

With coaching, there is someone available to hear you, to help guide you towards a new chapter with courage andempowerment, and to assist you in taking a deep dive into what you want your future to look like, no matter where you’re at in life. Check in with this website often, as there will be new online programs being released in the upcoming months that you might find helpful.

Just know, it does get better. We grow through what we go through. Even though these situations can make us feel weak and lost, we typically come out of them feeling stronger and more focused.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

The Two Sides of an Enabling Parent

January 21, 2023 / Heather / 0 Comments

Hello, everyone!

I wanted to write a bit about enabling parents and the two sides that we might see with them. There’s one side that they need to stay in character with when they are around their narcissistic partner, and there’s the other side that represents who they truly are. By that, I mean the real person that this individual is when not being controlled and overseen by their toxic mate.

What many of us may see, while the narcissist is present, is a parent who behaves in meek, mild, passive, obedient, and often child-like ways, as well as seeming that they don’t have a mind of their own. They also tend to go along with their partner, against us, often without so much as asking our perspective or possibly even considering that we have a different perspective. We may hear things like “Don’t let me hear you talking to your mother/father like that” or “Don’t talk back” or “Do as you’re told”, even when we’re teenagers, or even adults. Decisions are deferred to, and all attention is spotlighted on, the narcissist. This typically means that any children in the vicinity are all but ignored, except to blame and criticize, as though their presence is significantly lesser in comparison to the person whose ego needs constant stroking. I mean, it all makes sense, as sad as it is. Narcissists use tactics like the silent treatment, guilting, or raging out on their partners when they don’t get the full attention they want/need for their fragile ego. So the only way that enabling parents can keep some semblance of, albeit, weak peace in their lives is to make their narcissistic partner the center of the universe and fulfill their every selfish whim.

However, on those rare occasions when the non-toxic parent is away from the other parent (narcissists don’t like to let their enablers out of their sight), we may see full glimpses of their true selves. In fact, they may seem like an entirely different person. It can feel like a breath of fresh air to witness it. In my experiences and those I have heard from others, the enabling parent may suddenly seem much more confident, happy, caring, interested in you/your life, sociable, carefree, and quite willing to make decisions for themselves. I’ve even seen physical changes take place, like standing up taller as opposed to slouching, and marked, positive changes in body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. As nice as it is to see a parent as they are, even for a few moments, it’s incredibly heartbreaking to realize the full scope of the life (using that term loosely in this case) they lead with their partner. Yes, as children of narcissists, we have our own set of difficult circumstances and feel a need to cover up our authentic selves in the presence of our disordered parent. There’s no doubt about it. And it’s incredibly painful to feel unprotected and cast aside by an enabling parent. But it doesn’t make it any less difficult to see an enabling parent who may also be suffering and living as someone other than who they are, just to maintain some small fragment of peace.

It’s a crime that narcissists, using their manipulative and deceptive behaviours, are able to cause those around them to retreat into shells of their true selves and not live the full lives they are meant to live, children and partners alike. Obviously there can be exceptions to this, like families with two narcissistic parents, or an enabling parent who sometimes takes a stand for themselves and even for their children. Overall, though, rather than being what a family should be, life with narcissists can often be compared to a prison, with a warden who calls all the shots and creates a system that benefits them and them alone.

There are ways to heal from narcissists. There is hope. We need to educate ourselves – on narcissism, on boundaries, on low- and no-contact, on healing ourselves, etc. – and empower ourselves. Natural Clarity Coaching is a useful support system, as are many other resources. No one needs to be alone when grappling with these circumstances.