Tag: life coach (Page 12 of 17)

A sad but true tale of a narcissistic grandmother

July 24, 2021 / / 0 Comments

This is a situation I knew of many years ago. And it’s a cautionary tale for anyone who has children who will be interacting with an individual who is a potentially narcissistic grandparent to their children.

This particular individual (I’ll call her Darleen) set out to ‘steal’ her first grandchild in the child’s earliest days. She started out by convincing her daughter-in-law (I’ll call her Rachel) that her milk supplies were insufficient for the baby for breastfeeding (this was never corroborated by a doctor) and that bottle-feeding formula would be the best option. Sadly, trusting in Darleen, Rachel was quickly convinced of this narrative and went along with it. Darleen saw this as a way that the child could easily be fed while alone with her, making Rachel less necessary in her mind. When the child developed an ear infection, Darleen convinced Rachel to leave the child with her until such time as they were well again, which turned into many weeks. And so it all began.

Not long after, Darleen began to launch a quiet campaign to split up her son, let’s call him Larry, and Rachel’s marriage in an effort to not only keep control of her son but to lessen her daughter-in-law’s influence and involvement in her own child’s life. This wasn’t too difficult of a task because Larry, who alternated between being abused by his mother and also acting like a narcissist himself, was already having an affair with a coworker. At the urging of Darleen, Larry ultimately set out to regularly confuse and manipulate Rachel and then told her he no longer loved her, which, not surprisingly, took her to the point that she was considering taking her own life. At that stage, he had her involuntarily taken to the psychiatric ward of the local hospital “for her own safety and the safety of the child”. While she was recovering in the hospital, he and his mother, together with their lawyer, applied for and had custody of his child given solely to him (read that as essentially Darleen brought the child to live with her because Rachel’s family lived a distance away). Upon the wife’s release, she had to hire a lawyer and enter into a battle to prove that she was stable in order to obtain joint custody of her daughter, and then eventually went through a brutal divorce that left her bankrupt due to some corrupt dealings of Larry’s that she was completely unaware of.

As this child grew up with Darleen as the center of her universe, they were very susceptible to the negative messaging that Darleen constantly conveyed to them about their parents. Darleen, as a narcissist who loves to have minions to worship them, wanted to put up walls between her grandchild and their own parents. And, sadly, she was quite successful in doing so. The child had ongoing battles with both parents (and future stepparents) that led to depression, anxiety, lack of identity, confusion, dropping out of school at 16 and never finishing her education, and so on. This child’s own grandmother, in attempting to be in control and ensure that the child idolized her, did nothing but create chaos and pain in the life of her grandchild. And, believe it or not, Darleen, wanting to keep control of her daughter-in-law as well as maintain a flow of information from her about the child, in addition to ensuring continued access to her grandchild, managed to convince her that all of the suffering with the custody battle and divorce was solely caused by her son, even speaking ill of him often to make it seem more likely. In doing so, Rachel still believed Darleen to be her friend and support system years after the divorce, and she therefore continued to allow her child to spend massive amounts of time alone with Darleen. This way, Darleen could continue to control and have access to both her grandchild and ex-daughter-in-law, all while looking like a saint. Rachel was eventually clued in to Darleen’s real persona and broke ties with her, but not before years of damage had been done.

Years later, Darleen attempted to ‘steal’ the child that her son and his second wife had together as well. Fortunately, the mother was aware of what was happening and took steps to protect the child. So then, as before, the grandmother set out to manipulate her son and, once again, hoped to cause her son’s marriage to implode so that she could continue to control him and also have an opportunity to lock in another minion with her newest grandchild. However, the daughter-in-law recognized what was happening and was able to fend off those attempts as well. Eventually, narcissistic grandma gave up and put all of her energy back into her first grandchild. Believe it or not, these are just a few of the things this woman has done over the years.

And, yes, as extreme as this all sounds, every bit of this story is factual. Narcissists will go to great lengths to manipulate people, including their own family members, in order to get their way. And they believe that the damage their actions create, even involving those they claim to love, is simply a necessary step in their overall plan (aka need to control and be worshiped to feed their fragile ego) and they feel no empathy or accountability for any of it.

So, if you have children and they will be involved with a family member that you believe may be narcissistic, consider taking steps to protect your child from the potential of being damaged by that person. In doing so, you will be sparing your child from the possibility of great harm and you will also be playing a part in ending or weakening the negative cycle of generational family narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Awareness and taking action when necessary are both key in these situations.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Depression Resource

July 23, 2021 / / 0 Comments

This is a great short video from WHO with a view of depression and its perception that is quite unique. If you’re interested, the link is below. Just click on it and it will take you to the video in YouTube.

(353) I had a black dog, his name was depression – YouTube

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Life as the Family Scapegoat

July 18, 2021 / / 0 Comments

From the perspective of an ACON (Adult Children of Narcissists) and a DONM (Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers), I could literally write a book on my experiences. In all honesty, anyone who grew up in a disordered household headed by a narcissist will have innumerable stories they could tell. The tales we can tell are our own but, sadly, the majority of them are incredibly similar at their root level. They all generally boil down to narcissistic behaviours and how they domino out to everyone in their orbit.

If I were to go to a more personal level and summarize my life as the child of a narcissist into its most basic form by using a few examples, it would be this:

As the family scapegoat, I felt from a very early age that my mom and I simply didn’t ‘jive’. The connection just wasn’t there. Being female, and through no fault of my own (from stories recounted to me, this appears to have started when I was just a baby – for example, being told many times over the course of my life that she wanted to throw me against a wall because I cried when I had colic), I triggered her own deep-seated issues, which caused her to target me and resulted in a lack of a bond between us. This woman adores, supports, encourages, brags about and idolizes my younger brother. It’s not as though she is incapable of those things. Ironically enough, when he and I have made similar decisions in our lives as adults, she has raved about how wondrous his choices were but somehow managed to find fault with all of mine. Although this narcissistic behaviour became abundantly clear to me many years ago, it was incredibly confusing when I was younger, and led to me accepting her nonsense and losing any self-esteem or confidence I may have had. This was my mother. My dad went along with it. I believed her to be the all-knowing and wise person she claimed to be. If she deemed me a disappointment and a failure, then she was probably right as far as I was concerned. That’s what narcissistic abuse has the potential to do to a person when they don’t have a knowledgeable support system or awareness to lean on.

Throughout my childhood and into my teen years, I was pressured and expected to excel at everything I did while, simultaneously, a cloud of low expectations hung over my head. My mom expected me to be the best (because in her mind this would make her look good to the outside world) while at the same time telling me I was “just average” (she’s big on labelling, especially when it comes to intelligence). To add insult to injury, no matter how well I did in school or other pursuits, it was never good enough for her. An ‘A’ on a test would result in her questioning why it wasn’t an A+. On occasions when an A+ was awarded, apparently it was obvious to my mom that the test was too easy and likely everyone in the class did well on it. Or sometimes she surmised that the teacher must have favored me and therefore the mark wasn’t truly representative of my (in her opinion, limited) abilities and was undeserved and, in fact, unfair to my classmates. The same judgments were a constant for any of my other pursuits, including sports and, especially, music. She always heard that one little mistake and, in her opinion, that ruined the entire performance. That one error would be blown out of proportion and zero credit would be given for the thousands of correct notes and other musical elements that go together with them. Looking back from an adult’s point of view, I realized that from a young age I began focusing on the negative and not looking at my strengths as a direct result of my mother’s constant judgments and criticisms as well as the almost complete lack of encouragement and support. One mistake became catastrophic in my mind.

My friends were also constantly being critiqued and negative comments made to me about them. In her mind, I never chose the ‘right’ friends (or partners as I got older). She would literally suggest the people that I should spend time with (people she felt would be “good friends”) and would badger me about it on a regular basis. There would be comments made by her that my chosen friends were abusive (ironic, isn’t it?!) and that I needed to “get a backbone” and “stand up” for myself. One time when I had a falling out (temporary, thankfully) with a friend (which, by the way, was instigated by my mom and her constant prodding), I shared with my mom just how upset I was that I felt I had lost my best friend. Rather than comfort me or say something supportive, she started crying and told me that she thought she was my best friend and that what I said had hurt her deeply! Within a couple weeks, though, she was talking about how many years she and her “best friend” had known one another!

One moment that is very vivid for me after many years was the time that I told my mom that I was feeling depressed. After getting this out in the open, I started to cry because I was feeling emotional. She slapped me across the face, told me to “snap out of it” and then stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Needless to say, that was truly a lesson in not sharing my feelings that has stuck with me since then. Working through it has been a process but is well worth it.

In terms of my family of origin (FOO), it was dysfunctional from day one. My dad, bless his heart, is a lovely man who is loyal and kind to a fault. Does he see my mom for who she is? I don’t know for certain. I’ve seen glimpses of awareness over the years but his enabling behaviour continues regardless. However, I do understand the reason for this. My mom has a strong “you’re either with me or against me” mentality with everyone in her life. If my dad even slightly appears to side with anyone but her, days or sometimes weeks of misery rain down upon him. Her vicious griping is equally as undesirable as her cold stares and silent treatment. I don’t blame him for wanting to avoid all of that. I get it because I’ve lived it, too. He has spent decades working/escaping more than he was home so I’m sure it’s nice to look forward to downtime rather than dreading it. But it’s also really difficult for me to have always been the scapegoat (my golden child sibling was, of course, rarely held accountable for anything), the black sheep, the one “in the wrong” no matter what, the one whose perspective was not allowed to be heard. As an aside, I had an absolutely wonderful grandmother who lived nearby who was supportive, loving, caring and an amazing friend. Without her … well, I wouldn’t even want to imagine how much more challenging life would have been. Although we rarely spoke of my mom or her behaviour (it’s quite likely that she had never put a name to it, and she was also someone who didn’t speak of others behind their backs), my grandma was there for me and that was what mattered.

Fittingly enough, the final narcissistic straw for me that led to many and continuing years of low and rare contact (never in-person or by phone) with my parents was, after several months of ridiculous drama, my mom pressuring my dad to the point where he informed me that I had “been the problem in this family for XX years” (the X’s represent my age at the time). Yes, folks, apparently my just being born was an issue and, in fact, the very reason our family was so disordered. After all that, I was then informed by my mom that my dad wouldn’t have said that (it was said in front of a witness) and that I needed to apologize. And that situation from start to finish is something that really sealed the deal for me in recognizing that I genuinely was not and had never been “the problem” in my family, no matter how much my narcissistic mother needed to label me as such in order to avoid dealing with or having other people focus on her many serious issues and the trouble those had caused within our family unit. Before I could walk, talk or be independent enough to even cause a problem for anyone, I was negatively labelled and that continued on because my mom needed it to and my dad felt that he was required to go along with it or else be made miserable (yes, he had choices but his blind loyalty and trying to protect his own peace traditionally came and still comes first). And then to be be informed that I had made up my dad’s words to me and should apologize … well, that was added to the already large stores of strong evidence that my mom holds neither herself (I don’t recall her ever sincerely accepting responsibility for her actions or giving a genuine apology for anything) nor anyone who acts on her behalf accountable for anything. Shifting the blame is typical behaviour, particularly blaming the family scapegoat.

So, obviously this is an incredibly shortened version of a small number of my experiences within a narcissistic family. There are hundreds, maybe thousands more that I could write about but it would take me well beyond the scope of a website post. Since becoming aware of my mother’s issues, how it impacted my family of origin, and how it has deeply affected me on more levels than I ever thought possible, I have read, researched and taken in everything possible on the subject of narcissism and its far-reaching impacts. I have worked diligently on my own recovery and committed years ago to helping and supporting others in doing the same. I also firmly believe in educating people in the realm of narcissism awareness so that some might be spared from being victims of the damage caused by individuals with this personality disorder. Difficult as they were, my experiences have made me the person I am today and also placed me in the position of being there to help others who find themselves in the grips of narcissistic abuse and/or attempting to recover from it.

Until next time,

Heather Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

When special occasions are challenging (especially where narcissists are involved)

June 20, 2021 / / 0 Comments

For everyone who finds special occasions like today, Father’s Day, challenging for any reason, I get it. If special occasions also feel like walking on egg shells (or possibly landmines), I completely understand where you’re coming from. This can be particularly so when narcissists are in the picture.

If your family of origin involved narcissism, special occasions were likely incredibly challenging to deal with from early in your life and probably remained that way throughout your childhood and into adulthood. Maybe the narcissistically-inclined parent was your mom, or maybe your dad, or maybe both of your parents. Whoever it was, it’s highly likely that special occasions were often drama-filled, emotionally draining and confusing events during your childhood and possibly into adulthood.

When it comes to narcissists, they feel the need to always be the center of attention, even on special occasions that have nothing to do with them. They will cause drama, upheaval and emotional upset by whatever means necessary. Maybe they’re sulking because the day isn’t about them but they’re making it appear as though someone slighted them and caused the issue. Or maybe they’re starting arguments because they want to take the attention away from the special occasion. It’s possible that they will criticize the people who are trying to celebrate by saying that their efforts aren’t good enough or they’ve done everything wrong. Whatever it may be, narcissists very commonly ruin special occasions, all for the need to be the constant focus of the family. And that toxic, narcissistic energy often attaches to special occasions and can bring apprehension and anxiety to other family members year after year after year. What is Mom going to do to ruin everything this year? What will Dad say to upset everyone so that he can storm off and then be free to do something he’d rather be doing?

Rather than being happy and enjoyable celebrations, special occasions in narcissistic families are often the exact opposite. They are prone to being stressful, anxiety-provoking, emotionally taxing situations that come to be dreaded every year rather than looked forward to. The narcissist’s negativity permeates virtually every special day circled on the calendar, particularly if that day doesn’t happen to be all about them. And even if it is ‘their’ day (say, a birthday), they will regularly ruin those with complaints of the celebration not being lavish enough, or no one got them what they wanted as a gift, or someone else was getting more attention than them for five minutes, or they simply feel like sulking and keeping everyone guessing by not divulging what it’s all about, and so on. There is no winning when it comes to narcissists and special events.

So, is there any way to get through these times as unscathed as possible? In the event that you decide to make a call to your family or drop by for a visit, be emotionally and mentally prepared. Know your limits as to what you are and are not willing to discuss with them. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ or ‘that’s something I don’t wish to talk about’. Boundaries are important. If you are pushed and bullied to engage in a discussion that you are uncomfortable with, it’s fine to let your parent(s)/family members know that you need to end the conversation and politely say goodbye. If you are in-person and this situation arises, let them know that you’re leaving and be on your way. No apologies, no excuses, no justifications necessary. You have the right to protect yourself and your wellbeing. Don’t allow the guilt trips or aggressiveness to sway you to stay and possibly be verbally/emotionally abused or attacked.

Obviously being low contact or no contact with your family of origin is a sure way to keep yourself safe and avoid negativity and possible verbal/emotional attacks. If you do reach out to a narcissistic parent or an enabling parent on a day such as today and a phone call or visit is not on the table (only do what you feel comfortable doing), texting and/or emailing are always viable options for sending a message. It’s okay to let your parent know you’re thinking of them in a way that allows you to avoid being drawn into an emotional maze. Sometimes it comes down to what you feel you need to do (touch base with a parent even if it’s difficult, etc.) rather than what you believe anyone else expects from you. If you’re currently in therapy or self-directed recovery work from narcissistic abuse, there is no need to set yourself back by opening doors that need to be closed either temporarily or permanently. Do what you feel safe doing. Maybe reaching out simply isn’t an option for you today; that’s absolutely fine. This is your decision and there is no right or wrong here.

Another way to cope with special occasions fraught with confusion, emotional upheaval and frustration is to create new traditions on your own or with friends, a partner, children, etc. Start a new chapter with these celebrations and rewrite what they will look like for you. Do what you can to let go of the negative energy that has been attached to these dates (likely for years or decades) and make them whatever you want them to be.

Above all else, it’s helpful to keep in mind that narcissists are extremely similar to a tired, grouchy toddler who didn’t get their own way. This may involve sulking, tantrums, childish outbursts and more, but you need to consider the source. Narcissists are disordered individuals who are protecting and seeking to feed their fragile egos at all costs. Not being the center of attention is viewed as a loss from their perspective and they will react in the most immature ways, along with lashing out and attacking those they feel have slighted them by not having their focus on the narcissist at all times. When we can understand the dynamics at play with narcissists, it can make dealing with them much less challenging. Also, keeping our own emotions out of the mix is a beneficial action. Don’t take their behaviour personally and try not to allow them to ‘get a rise out of you’.

So, Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there! To everyone for whom this day and other special occasions are difficult, I wish you the best in getting through it with grace and strength. For everyone (ACONs – Adult Children of Narcissists) who grew up in a dysfunctional family headed by a narcissist (or narcissists), step up the self-care if necessary in order to stay strong and healthy, and only do what you feel comfortable with. Not everyone understands or could even begin to understand the dynamics of the relationships within your family of origin (FOO) and the narcissist(s) at the helm, so it’s best to take all of the well-meaning societal messages with a grain of salt. No one has the right to push you into contact with someone simply because that someone happens to be a parent or family member. Listen to your intuition and only do what is right for you. Whatever feels right for you, trust it, embrace it and move forward with the knowledge that you’re doing your best and that’s all that matters.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists) and dealing with becoming aware

June 16, 2021 / / 0 Comments

As an adult child of a narcissist, life can be challenging in many ways. The shock of the realization that one’s parent(s) is/are narcissistic can be shocking, disappointing, depressing, anxiety-provoking, disillusioning, etc. Having a trustworthy support system is crucial, be it a family member, friend, therapist, life coach, online support group or another resource. This new awareness opens up not only intense emotions with regard to the narcissist parent (and possibly the other parent or family members , who may be a ‘flying monkey’, and maybe a sibling who is a ‘golden child’) but also about ourselves (and quite possibly our previously unknown role in the family as the ‘scapegoat’).

First of all, we are learning that this person, our parent, who we probably believed to be the end all and be all has turned out to be disordered. We may have thought they were any number of amazing things (mostly because they led us to believe this and brought down consequences if we questioned it) and now it may appear that none or very little of it was accurate. Our lives have been shaped by this person, often in negative ways. This realization will likely bring our entire upbringing and belief systems into massive question. Without a doubt, our relationship with this person will feel broken and confusing. Pulling away seems like a good option, temporary or otherwise. It feels as though everything is a lie and we commonly begin questioning our family, childhood, experiences, beliefs, feelings. We need to work through all of this to get to a better place.

In addition to the above, it is common to then begin analyzing ourselves in this new light. Our lives, our belief systems, our relationships … everything may seem to have been upended in a heartbeat. Turn to supports now more than ever.

With your trusted resource(s) of choice, it is beneficial to talk about your feelings. Get them out in the open in a safe environment and work on processing them. Be patient with yourself. This step takes time. (Keep in mind that Complex PTSD and/or other mental health issues may also be realities that you need to either rule out or get help for) The fog will lift and clarity will take its place. We need to believe in ourselves, our abilities and our hope for the future.

If you are not well-versed on narcissism, it never hurts to educate yourself about the traits and behaviour so that you can see this person as they are and understand what is behind their actions and words. As I always say, these are weak people with fragile egos that they spend most of their time protecting, often at the expense of the people around them as they attempt to control everything and everyone in their lives.

I strongly recommend online support groups as a resource to lean on for support. Whether you post or comment or simply read the words of others, you will know that you are not alone and this can be of great comfort. People in these groups are at various stages of their recovery, but above all else, they know what you’re experiencing because they are going through or have been through similar experiences.

As ACON’s, we need to give ourselves credit for what we have survived and the steps we will continue to take to keep ourselves strong and whole with this new reality in mind. We have endured incredibly difficult situations within our family of origin (FOO) but we are still standing. If this isn’t a testament to our great strength, I don’t know what is. Try looking at this as the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new and wonderful chapter on your journey. The best is yet to come and we will find that peace and happiness that has been so elusive in the past. This is a time of awakening and awareness that can help us to thrive if we are willing to take that step for ourselves. We are worth it!!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter

Make Yourself a Priority

June 6, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Many of us are natural caregivers. We enjoy looking after others (people, animals, etc.), and that’s a great and admirable trait. But one thing that can be forgotten is to give ourselves the same care and love that we so willingly give to the world around us.

When we are low on our list of priorities (or absent from the list altogether), over time, it can leave us feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, depressed, anxious or possibly unbalanced and unwell on a mental and/or physical level. Eventually, we can end up unable to look after anyone else, let alone ourselves.

Prioritizing time for self-care is essential, whether or not we are caregivers. We need to nurture ourselves holistically in every area – physical, emotional, social, spiritual and mental. Whether it’s meditation, mindfulness, therapy, exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, relaxing in a warm bath, massage therapy, spending time in nature, listening to music, and so on, every act of self-care makes a difference in our lives. It helps us to recharge, energize, clear our minds, reconnect with people, nourish and keep our bodies well, to name just a few, and feeling good further encourages the healthy cycle of self-care.

When we take care of ourselves (it’s not selfish, it’s necessary), we are helping to ensure that our holistic health and wellness is prioritized, strengthened and maintained. That way, we can enjoy our lives and continue to care for others who are important to us and help them to enjoy their lives as well.

In situations where we are in a toxic environment, such as with a narcissist or other negative individual, prioritizing ourselves can be challenging, but it is all the more important to engage in self-care so that we can withstand the toxicity without allowing it to harm us.

Prioritizing ourselves is a matter of health and wellness. No matter how small the act of self-care, it can make a positive difference. Take care of yourselves every day, my friends!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

When you leave a narcissist, do they try to win you back?

May 25, 2021 / / 0 Comments

The answer to that question is: Yes, most narcissists will try to win you back if you leave them. However, they don’t do this for the same reasons that non-narcissists might. A major misstep is to believe that a narcissist thinks and feels like you do. In reality, they are coming from a completely different mindset; a mindset where winning someone back is about just that – winning. As always, their actions have absolutely nothing to do with you. Their actions are based on protecting their fragile egos by controlling everything and everyone around them.

Narcissists will use the tactic known as ‘love bombing’. Here, they engage in larger-than-life demonstrations of attention and affection in an attempt to influence someone. In the case of someone leaving them, they will love bomb to get that person back in order to feel better about themselves after being left and to regain control of the person in question. Many narcissists will actually win someone back just so that they can abandon them and then move on with their next victim.

Hoovering is a similar tactic used by narcissists. Just like the vacuum cleaner brand, Hoover, the disordered person will attempt to ‘hoover’/suck in the person who left them and bring them back into the abusive relationship. They may make promises that they will never cause any more hurt, that they will change, that everything will be different this time. This can all appear to be incredibly believable and sincere. Narcissists are generally very good actors and it’s not difficult to get drawn back into their web. The unfortunate part is that it’s all an act. Nothing will improve, and if it does, it won’t stay that way for long. It is all based on empty promises in an effort to manipulate, control and further abuse a partner, family member or friend, etc.

So, yes, narcissists will typically try to win you back if you leave them. But it’s not for reasons based on love, seeing the error in their ways, changing their negative behaviour, caring or anything positive. It’s all about winning, maintaining control, keeping their ‘supply’ (your attention for the purpose of their ego-stroking) intact, making sure that they maintain a certain image for the world around them, and ultimately avoiding ‘narcissistic injury’ (the experience of narcissists when they lose, are criticized or abandoned).

If you are thinking about, in the process of, or have recently left a narcissist, it’s helpful to keep in mind the information set out above. There’s no doubt that many victims of narcissists go back to them at least once after leaving. That’s a common and understandable occurrence. It doesn’t suggest any weakness or lack of intelligence; it’s related to being a human who wants to feel loved and to not feel that they have been wasting precious time in a particular relationship. Never feel ashamed or weak if you return to a narcissist and then find yourself in the same situation in not too long. Removing oneself from narcissistic abuse happens in stages as we become increasingly aware. And wanting to believe that someone you love could change for the better is not a negative mark on your character. Believing in the potential for change and love is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, not everyone in our lives is up for the challenge. That’s their issue, not ours.

Armed with information about narcissistic tactics can help, though, to get us through the process of walking away when we feel it’s time and having the awareness of what would likely happen if we were to return. Knowledge is power. And as I mention often, asking ourselves honestly how this person truly makes us feel is an informative gauge to use in our decision-making with regard to the relationship. Do you feel loved or like a burden in their life? Are you treated with respect or disdain? Do you feel supported or sabotaged? Are your accomplishments/talents/skills encouraged and appreciated or is a never-ending list of alleged flaws being regularly highlighted? Do you feel comfortable in their presence or as though you’re walking on eggshells? Can you be yourself around them or do you need to filter or change who you are in order to be even slightly accepted and not constantly condescended to? Look at the entirety of your relationship and assess it overall with these types of questions. Honesty is integral. And listen to not only your mind but to your heart and soul. Tune out all external voices and opinions and tune in to yourself. The answers are always there when you’re ready to hear them.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin and Twitter

Dealing with the emotional reaction to realizing you’ve been experiencing narcissistic abuse

May 23, 2021 / / 0 Comments

The realization of the fact that you’ve been experiencing narcissistic abuse is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, your eyes have been opened and you are now aware, which offers you the opportunity to make well-informed choices for yourself. On the other hand, this awareness often brings with it feelings of anger, regret, sadness, shame, isolation, confusion and so on. It basically takes your emotions on a whirlwind roller coaster ride.

My advice is to allow yourself to fully feel the array of emotions. They will be intense and sometimes overwhelming but you need to feel them in order to move on to processing them. Cry, scream, punch a pillow, etc. If you feel the need to talk with someone about your journey, do your best to turn to someone you know you can trust. This could be a family member, friend, support system such as Natural Clarity Coaching, or a counsellor/therapist. It’s not advisable to share your feelings with your abuser because that will simply open more doors for them to continue abusing you and playing mind games. Clarity is incredibly important at this time, so not allowing the narcissist to muddy the waters is beneficial. Yes, you’ll want to tell them that you’ve figured them out and that you’re incredibly hurt and upset. Just remember that these are people who lack empathy and compassion; they will never sincerely take accountability for their actions let alone offer up an apology or anything else that might make you feel less damaged. Plus, their goal is to continue to control you and carry on with your focus being on them, so keeping your feelings quiet from this person is usually the best policy. Find whatever trustworthy and helpful support systems you can while you’re moving through this part of the journey. Of course, if you prefer to do this solo, by all means, do. Whatever works for you. If you want to but can’t find anyone (or even if you can but could use more connections), online support groups can be incredibly helpful. There is something comforting and empowering about being able to read posts, write posts or comments if you want, involving people who have been or are currently in a similar place as you in a relationship with a narcissist (parent, partner, friend, etc.), It helps with gaining insight, feeling understood without having to explain yourself, seeing all of the parallels in the narcissists’ behaviours, and gaining strength in the knowledge that you didn’t cause this situation. In fact, many people begin to see that most narcissists seem to operate by the same play book! Sad but true.

The fork in your journey’s path

When you’re with the narcissist or by yourself in these early days of awareness, bring in calming and self-soothing practices such as deep breathing, mindfulness (being present in the moment without judgment), engaging in hobbies, getting out into nature, exercising, to name a few. Try to keep your mind from ruminating and replaying all of the negativity. That will just drag you into a potential state of depression and/or anxiety. And it’s okay to feel anger towards the narcissist but advisable to keep it under wraps. Now is the time to engage in self-care in order to keep yourself strong on all levels. Educate yourself on narcissism and how it has impacted you. Put some time into getting back in touch with yourself, your needs, your hopes and dreams. Focus on the future and what and who YOU want in your life from now on. You have arrived at a fork in your journey’s path and you have options from which to choose. Make plans for how you will deal with your new view of the relationship in question. Yes, there will no doubt be days that it all seems like too much and you might feel utter sadness and loss. You might even try to convince yourself that you’re wrong about this person and that you should give them a second chance. That’s perfectly ‘normal’.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, a great gauge for relationships is honestly taking a close look at how you truly feel when you’re around someone. Does the way they treat you make you feel good about yourself? Do you enjoy spending time with them? Do you feel cared for and important? Or does their behaviour make you feel unloved, unappreciated, and generally less-than? Is there often an air of condescension and disdain from this person when you interact with them? Do you regularly feel fearful in their presence, like you’re walking on eggshells, or worried that they could abandon you at any moment? Do you feel manipulated, controlled and/or under attack and as though you’re always making them upset and/or angry? Asking yourself these questions and answering them with 100 percent honesty can be a great reality check, especially if you have recently wondered if or decided that someone in your life is abusive towards you.

In summary, here are possible steps (in their simplest form) towards recovery:

  1. Let the information about the narcissist and abuse sink in. Take all the time you need. It is typically shocking and life-altering when this revelation takes place.
  2. Allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that come along with this realization, regardless of how difficult it may be. Do your best to not skip this step. It may seem too intense or as though you can just stuff everything down, but it doesn’t work that way. Feel them, because whether they make you angry, sad, confused, empty, or anything in between, you need to feel them. This is an integral part of the process.
  3. While you are working on Step #2, do some research on narcissism and narcissistic abuse. You will likely discover that narcissists are disordered, dysfunctional people (most of whom have been hurt by other narcissists) who spend every waking moment trying to protect their fragile egos. If you happened to get caught up in their vortex, just know that their behaviour had nothing to do with you. You are not to blame. They are on auto-pilot in their lives, seeking to constantly fill a never-ending void (supply of attention from others) and to placate and dull their underlying feelings of weakness, neediness, low self-esteem and dysfunction. They typically demonstrate the same cycle of behaviours in most of their relationships. When you realize that, despite all the narcissist’s complaints and projections directed at you, their problems and issues are not your fault, you aren’t defective or to blame for everything that goes wrong in their life, you are deserving of kindness, respect and caring, then you will learn to expect so much more for yourself and not be willing to accept sub-par treatment.
  4. Begin to process your emotions. You’ve taken the opportunity to feel them, and now it’s time to look at them from a more practical standpoint. Sometimes it helps to do this with a therapist or within a safe support system. But if you feel that you want to start out on your own with it, give it a try. Don’t expect this stage to be a quick one, though. The gamut of emotions has likely been run throughout your relationship with this person so there will be a lot to sort through and try to make sense of. You may even question everything you felt or believed in the past. You may need to revisit many different memories and experiences in order to look at them from a new point of view. That’s okay. In time, your mind and heart will put it all together in such a way that you can move forward more easily. For now, show yourself patience, understanding and love. You’ve been through a very difficult experience and you need to feel compassion for yourself.
    Whatever you do, don’t skip this step.(#4). When we leave emotions and challenging experiences unprocessed, they don’t just go away. They will interfere with our everyday lives and new relationships and friendships, sometimes in ways that the connection to your past experiences isn’t even on the radar. They will pop up at times when you least expect them, sometimes in the oddest of ways. But have no doubt, they’ll be there until you deal with them once and for all. Imagery can help here. A good exercise is to face the memories/thoughts/feelings head-on. Picture each of them as being on a sheet of paper. Be honest with yourself about how you felt at that particular time and how you feel now. You could even write everything down and then burn the papers later, or work through it out loud with a trusted support person. And then, when you feel ready, imagine placing that sheet of ‘memory’ paper into a file folder marked ‘Closed’, which then goes into a filing cabinet or even a bonfire. Whatever works for you, give it a try. EMDR and Brainspotting are also very helpful for processing difficult emotions and thoughts. Find a qualified practitioner if this interests you.
  5. Start making plans for your future that include your hopes and dreams. It’s finally your time to fully take care of yourself and begin to look forward to what lies ahead on your journey. And now that your awareness of narcissism has grown, you will be much less likely to fall prey to a narcissist in the future.

Wishing you well on your journey!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, Twitter

What is Emotional/Psychological Trauma?

May 21, 2021 / / 0 Comments

In emotional/psychological terms, trauma can be described as a deeply disturbing or distressing experience. Another description of trauma is emotional shock following a stressful event or physical injury.

Three of the Main Forms of Trauma:

Acute – Resulting from a single dangerous or stressful event (PTSD)

Chronic – Resulting from repeated and prolonged exposure to highly stressful events (domestic violence, child abuse, bullying, etc.) (Chronic PTSD)

Complex – Resulting from exposure to multiple traumatic events (Complex PTSD)

Here are some of the signs and symptoms of emotional and psychological trauma (cascadebh.com):

Cognitive:

  • Intrusive thoughts of the event that may occur out of the blue
  • Nightmares
  • Visual images of the event
  • Loss of memory and concentration abilities
  • Disorientation
  • Confusion
  • Mood swings

Behavioral:

  • Avoidance of activities or places that trigger memories of the event
  • Social isolation and withdrawal
  • Lack of interest in previously-enjoyable activities

Physical:

  • Easily startled
  • Tremendous fatigue and exhaustion
  • Tachycardia
  • Edginess
  • Insomnia
  • Chronic muscle patterns
  • Sexual dysfunction
  • Changes in sleeping and eating patterns
  • Vague complaints of aches and pains throughout the body
  • Extreme alertness; always on the lookout for warnings of potential danger

Psychological:

  • Overwhelming fear
  • Obsessive and compulsive behaviors
  • Detachment from other people and emotions
  • Emotional numbing
  • Depression
  • Guilt – especially if one lived while others perished
  • Shame
  • Emotional shock
  • Disbelief
  • Irritability
  • Anger
  • Anxiety
  • Panic attacks

Below are some of the most common forms of trauma therapy:

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

Behaviour Therapy (Exposure Therapy)

Psychodynamic Therapy

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Hypnotherapy

Group Therapy

Pharmacotherapy (Medication).

Unfortunately, trauma is a part of many people’s lives. Becoming trauma-informed (understanding how trauma is created and the symptoms, behaviours and needs of people who have been traumatized) is beneficial on both personal and social levels, regardless of whether we have experienced trauma firsthand. Understanding, patience and compassion go a long way in being supportive of possibly yourself and/or others in your life who are suffering.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, Twitter

The Enabling Parent in a Narcissistic Family System

May 19, 2021 / / 0 Comments

As a child of a narcissist parent, it can be all the more devastating to witness the other parent behaving in an enabling fashion. It can create painful feelings of betrayal, loss, loneliness, fear, shame and disappointment that never completely dissipate. The enabler will more often than not take the side of the narcissist at all costs, even assuming the role of a flying monkey when required. For a child in this situation, it can feel as though there is no one on their side and nowhere safe to turn, unless they have the good fortune of other non-narcissist/non-enabling adults in their life (grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings, etc.).

The main reasons that a parent may become an enabler to their narcissistic partner are a) they are completely oblivious with regard to narcissism and that they are involved with a narcissist (they often operate with a blind loyalty to their partner); b) whether or not they are aware of narcissism and that their partner is a narcissist, their life is less challenging when they go along with them.

To go into those reasons more deeply, many people have heard the terms ‘narcissism’ and ‘narcissist’ but they don’t truly understand what it means. As a result, they will remain unaware of the dysfunctional web in which they exist. There’s also a very high likelihood that the enabling parent grew up in a narcissistic family and were then drawn to narcissists as adults because of the feeling of familiarity within that form of dysfunction and abuse.

On the second point, there is no doubt that going along with and even catering to a narcissistic partner, often against one’s own children, is the path of least resistance for an enabling parent. The partner recognizes that both they and their children need to revolve around the narcissist in an attempt to pacify them and hopefully bring some relief from the abusive environment. The thinking is that maybe if we all just do what the narcissist wants, life will be more tolerable, even temporarily. However, if the non-narcissistic parent does not go along with the narcissist in every way, even so far as scapegoating one of their own children, they will become the target of their partner’s wrath. In some ways, it’s an “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em’ mentality that permeates this relationship and family dynamic.

An example of a family with a narcissistic mother at the helm

There’s no doubt that the enabling parent is in a challenging position and that they will regularly suffer abuse and punishment (silent treatment, berating, shaming, false accusations, sometimes physical violence and so on), subtle and/or direct, at the hands of their narcissistic partner if they choose not to comply as an enabler (aware or unaware, this is what it comes down to). Narcissism is literally an ongoing cycle of victimization which typically travels down through generations. However, this does not negate the fact that, as an adult, they have choices. They can make their opinions known regarding the scapegoating of their child and the likely golden child routine if there are other children and then do their best to enforce compliance in this regard. They can ‘stand up’ for their child/children. They also have the option of ending the relationship with the narcissist, although, unfortunately, this can at times leave children in the care of said narcissist without the buffer of the other parent when it comes to shared custody arrangements. There are ways to lessen the negative effects of this type of situation but I won’t go into them today.

The bottom line is that enablers are ruled by fear and will resort to disordered behaviour, even towards their own children, in an effort to avoid issues with their partner. Is this weak? Probably. However, these people, as mentioned above, have likely lived through a narcissistic childhood themselves, which has led them to the pattern of ending up with other narcissists in adulthood. They don’t know anything else but being abused and controlled. Their skewed, lifelong belief system encourages them to accept that this type of family system is ‘normal’. Unless their level of awareness is somehow raised when it comes to narcissistic family dynamics, they are more likely than not to continue with the status quo. This certainly doesn’t excuse them from accountability or responsibility; however, it does offer a probable explanation for their behaviour.

The sad reality of the family members of a narcissist is that everyone, regardless of whether they understand the dynamics or not, lives a life of walking on egg shells, enduring abusive behaviour, and doing their best to avoid being targeted by the narcissist. It’s a no-win situation and one that causes great strain and damage, especially for children. And from this dysfunction is often born more dysfunctional patterns as people carry on from a narcissistic childhood to be drawn to partners, friends, etc. who tend to have narcissistic tendencies.

How does this ever get better, you may be asking yourself. Obviously, narcissism has been around for as long as human beings have existed. This is a long-standing issue. Awareness is the key. Social education on narcissism is crucial in order to allow people to recognize and make informed decisions on toxic people in their lives and then take steps to mitigate the damage to themselves and possibly help others in the process. It’s highly unlikely for a narcissistic person to change, but everyone around them has the option to make changes, big or small, in an effort to improve the quality of their lives. There’s no hard and fast rule to follow because everyone’s situation is unique; however, no one is required to forever suffer at the hands of a narcissist. Awareness and education on narcissism, together with support systems and professional assistance for people who have been damaged, can bring about hope and positive change.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

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